Ok so I get my letter Oct 31st.. yea finally get what I always wanted...HRT.
So, plan is to start low dose and see how it goes from there. I am on the fence on total transition.
The issue I have is basically I have a perfect life, perfect wife, perfect job.. I own my business.. everything is great except the lie I have lived all my life.  So if I transition do I lose more than I gain. If I transition I lose my wife, who knows about the kids and grand kids and their extended families.. will not be pretty... will be shaky at best.
Wife accepts me knowing how I feel and feels sorry for me that I have GID.. but will not stay married to a woman.. I know that for sure but if I stay a man she accepts the condition so there is no shame, no quilt.. she can find my girl stuff and would not care.. so I at least don't have to deal with the lie now.

HRT... will it help me relax and go with it to full transition..
Thinking about transition makes me so happy.. I am tired of the dysphoria I feel.. and its all the damn time.. go out to the malls I feel it..watch tv I feel it.. see people happy in their own skin I feel it.. I can hardly look in the mirror..
So HRT low dose could I just go on as I am and be happier...
Has anyone found a way to just stay a guy and be ok on low dose HRT.. what can I expect.
Honestly I am trying to fight this off and just be a guy but then it seems to be too strong.. I know when I get my letter I will start HRT.. I just can't seem to help it.
Sorry for the ramble but this is a big decision... biggest of my life.
Carrie

Quote from: carrie359 on October 09, 2013, 01:36:22 PM
Ok so I get my letter Oct 31st.. yea finally get what I always wanted...HRT.
So, plan is to start low dose and see how it goes from there. I am on the fence on total transition.

Good for you!  Congrats on taking an important step for yourself, your mental health, and your future!

Quote from: carrie359 on October 09, 2013, 01:36:22 PM
The issue I have is basically I have a perfect life, perfect wife, perfect job.. I own my business.. everything is great except the lie I have lived all my life.  So if I transition do I lose more than I gain. If I transition I lose my wife, who knows about the kids and grand kids and their extended families.. will not be pretty... will be shaky at best.
Wife accepts me knowing how I feel and feels sorry for me that I have GID.. but will not stay married to a woman.. I know that for sure but if I stay a man she accepts the condition so there is no shame, no quilt.. she can find my girl stuff and would not care.. so I at least don't have to deal with the lie now.

That sounds like a great start; she is aware of your condition and seems somewhat supportive... how long has she known?  Perhaps, over time, as familiarity with the condition and its ramifications, her stance on staying married could change?

One thing I've discovered so far (and, from reading these forums, many, many others have discovered, too, is that once we make assumptions about people (including ourselves) we are quite often proven wrong.  Here's hoping.

As far as owning a business, this can work out, too, depending on your area, your employees, etc.  If you do catering to highly conservative Christian organizations as your main line, maybe not so much... but there are a number of successful business owners who have transitioned quite successfully, some of them are active on this board. 

Quote from: carrie359 on October 09, 2013, 01:36:22 PM
HRT... will it help me relax and go with it to full transition..
Thinking about transition makes me so happy.. I am tired of the dysphoria I feel.. and its all the damn time.. go out to the malls I feel it..watch tv I feel it.. see people happy in their own skin I feel it.. I can hardly look in the mirror..
So HRT low dose could I just go on as I am and be happier...
Has anyone found a way to just stay a guy and be ok on low dose HRT.. what can I expect.
Honestly I am trying to fight this off and just be a guy but then it seems to be too strong.. I know when I get my letter I will start HRT.. I just can't seem to help it.
Sorry for the ramble but this is a big decision... biggest of my life.
Carrie

I would suggest you take it slowly.  It sounds like both you and your therapist think HRT is a good idea, so slow is probably the way to take it.  And brace yourself, too.  Even if the hormones have little effect to the way your brain and pheromones work, just making progress toward your goal of becoming a woman can have profound consequences.  Remember, this is *your* life.  Yes, you want to share it with your wife (and I hope it works out!)... but over time you will become what you desire to be, or you will shelve the whole idea, try to bury it and tough it out.  Both options are difficult paths... the second option will likely result in serious mental and physical issues over time as you spend more and more energy fighting yourself to a draw.  It sounds like you *need* to transition, or you wouldn't be where you are.  Remember you are doing no one in your life any favors by making yourself miserable.  You deserve to be happy just as much as your wife, family, and friends do.

Good luck, Sis! 

I started on a relativly low dose years ago. I totally look different now, then when I started, facewise and especially bodywise. I think I easily pass when I have makeup on. Stealthy transition for me is no longer an option, especially with a near D cup bra measurement. Next year I am getting FFS and going full time no matter what. I know what you're going through is a tough decision, I have "detransitioned" a few times myself because I didn't think what I was doing was working. In the end, what I knew and believed since I was 4 years old won out. I've passed the point of no return. Just something to think about. Hope this helps. 

Thanks for the wonderful replies.. yes I told my wife today in the least I will be starting low dose HRT just to be sane and try to just do that.. she is ok with it.
She wants me to be happy.

I was killing myself slowly with food...Since I have hope to transition I have now lost over 30lbs.. work out 2 hours a day and do not take lisinopril for high blood pressure anymore.  I am in a sense starting the transition.. no more hair cuts.. but I do have to cut my nails dang it..
My wife said I should get some blue nail polish and do my toes at least.. to make me feel better..
So thanks again.. I am feeling so good now getting in shape feeling like I have a future..
Before I came to terms with this I was giving up and my health was really going down hill fast
Yes and from my first meeting with the therapist she confirmed my condition especially since I was diagnosed in early 90's.. and I can tell she thinks I need to do something and is supportive of that... not pushy but I can tell she thinks I would be happy if my body more matched my brain...
Its an amazing journey.. life is.........seems like yesterday I was a kid praying for god to change me and here I am.. still here praying.
Carrie

Quote from: Christine Eryn on October 09, 2013, 02:41:47 PM
I started on a relativly low dose years ago. I totally look different now, then when I started, facewise and especially bodywise. I think I easily pass when I have makeup on. Stealthy transition for me is no longer an option, especially with a near D cup bra measurement. Next year I am getting FFS and going full time no matter what. I know what you're going through is a tough decision, I have "detransitioned" a few times myself because I didn't think what I was doing was working. In the end, what I knew and believed since I was 4 years old won out. I've passed the point of no return. Just something to think about. Hope this helps. 

Christine,
Thanks.. I knew at 4 too... I am fighting but she is winning... its weird..almost like I can't help  become what I am..  You would think it would be an easy decision...to finally get what we always wanted.. should be a no brainer.
Carrie

Quote from: carrie359 on October 09, 2013, 02:48:53 PM
Christine,
Thanks.. I knew at 4 too... I am fighting but she is winning... its weird..almost like I can't help  become what I am..  You would think it would be an easy decision...to finally get what we always wanted.. should be a no brainer.
Carrie

You used the word decision... To a point that's good, if you intend to not ( fully ) transition.

Beware the girly pills, they're a little too good. 

Quote from: carrie359 on October 09, 2013, 02:48:53 PM
Christine,
Thanks.. I knew at 4 too... I am fighting but she is winning... its weird..almost like I can't help  become what I am..  You would think it would be an easy decision...to finally get what we always wanted.. should be a no brainer.
Carrie

Hey, it is "You" who is winning, the only true You. Once You acknowledge that as a given, You dont want to fight and resist Yourself.
I have to admit that the HRT is some sort of drug addiction - once You start it is difficult to go back, because at first You feel euphoric, then that feeling starts to slowly subside, replaced by total mental calm and serenity and You are absolutely sure that nothing in this world can shake Your confidence - but that is a different kind of confidence, no kin to male arrogance and pride. And once You get comfortable with that... it disappears and You realise that You are looking at something unwordly beautiful (which could be an autumn coloured tree or a small fluffy kitten or...) and there are tears in Your eyes.
What I wanted to say with that is - apart of physical changes, which may or may not manifest themselves quickly and even then Your femininity could be sort of kept within limits (ouch) - the HRT affects the brain and mental changes are by far the most important ones.  Everything, which You are considering as cast in stone - You might be throwing out of the window after four months. Seriously, when I started to lurk on this board in February, I was quite skeptical about many comments and experiences shared. Somebody has started her HRT and now she cant stand guy's clothing anymore? How pathetic and defiant, and she is just probably just delusional or overly self-suggestive. Oh, how I was wrong and how all those persons were correct in their statements... On top of that, I often just cant act as a guy anymore - even if I wanted to, I just cant. My best male friend made a comment in that regard, and just for a laughter, I tried to make my usual stone-face cold expression and just act in my usual guy pattern - having watched me for about a minute, he told me that I was totally un-convincing (and he knew me for 15 years) - and I was really trying hard. He also noted that my overall presentation has changed and the way I am moving now is more fluid and softer - and I did nothing - it just happened...
Moreover, I never noticed how all those changes happened and when - they just did. So to wrap this all up - I am not trying to warn or discourage You from starting the HRT - I am sure, it is what You always needed - but be open-minded in Your journey and expect a lot small changes just piling up and driving the guy inside of You away completely .
Take care and be safe

  Hey, Carrie.  I spent 36 years of my life with nearly constant high nerves which slowly but surely drove me into serious fatigue and depression since puberty.  Originally I though it was severe anxiety but after living with it long enough and analyzing it to death I realized it was mostly unrelated.  The depression from this and not understanding myself socially and sexually as related to my current identity all drove me to the point of near hopelessness.  When it got bad enough that I concluded I didn't care if I woke up alive in the morning something finally cracked in my head and I broke through a lot of repression and began seriously researching Transition and HRT.

  HRT for me is just as much about calming my mind and body as it is about presenting it differently.  I took a great risk diving so deeply into the process and coming out as trans to many people without any strong assurances that it would make a difference.  But since starting just low-dose Spiro I have already felt some actual measurable change in my level of general physical discomfort, reduced related fatigue and better stress handling.  Some days the effect is less strong but I can always tell it is different from my life-long baseline.  It is the only thing that ever worked for me and yet it was the only solution never offered or even dreamed of by my original family doctor (he thought it might be LOW testosterone!) or anyone else I ever discussed my troubles with.  I am hoping that when Estrogen is added to my prescription it will continue the positive trend above and beyond what I've felt so far.

  All that said you had better be sure of your intentions.  My current doctor who prescribed my HRT would not likely have agreed to it had I not been settled in my direction and not done anything else major towards it.  If low-dose HRT can make you feel better in some ways that's great but from what you've said there is more to the issue whether or not you feel better.  I highly doubt HRT will allow you to settle for the status quo.  Don't count on estrogen to make any of your life emotionally smoother either while you tackle your family and public life choices.

Violet and Emily
Wow, great insight and interesting too.. I really read both posts several times.
Emily, what you describe is what I fear and at the same time long for.. acceptance and peace.
Violet, your candid insight gives me pause but at the same time.. I too want the calming effect and presenting differently for me is getting less important to me and comfort and calming is more important.
I have finally realized what being transgender has done to me all these years.. I have coped well but could have been so much more..
So thank you both..
Carrie

Quote from: carrie359 on October 09, 2013, 09:25:17 PM
I have coped well but could have been so much more..

That's so true.  You cope with the lie but you don't really live.  Your mind is always obsessing about your gender.   God if I could have 10% of the energy I've wasted running this through my brain, over and over and over again.  It amazes me that my mind doesn't just explode.

You may have a concern for sterility after taking "E". Do you want anymore children? I would address this with her. Take care!

Quote from: Violet Bloom on October 09, 2013, 07:26:43 PM
  Hey, Carrie.  I spent 36 years of my life with nearly constant high nerves which slowly but surely drove me into serious fatigue and depression since puberty.  Originally I though it was severe anxiety but after living with it long enough and analyzing it to death I realized it was mostly unrelated.  The depression from this and not understanding myself socially and sexually as related to my current identity all drove me to the point of near hopelessness.  When it got bad enough that I concluded I didn't care if I woke up alive in the morning something finally cracked in my head and I broke through a lot of repression and began seriously researching Transition and HRT.

It was very much similar for me as well... Hugs

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on October 09, 2013, 11:46:16 PM
You may have a concern for sterility after taking "E". Do you want anymore children? I would address this with her. Take care!

are you sure that is correct ?
I found this and am questioning that now
http://www.milkjunkies.net/2013/05/trans-women-and-breastfeeding-personal.html

QuotePosted by: carrie359

Honestly I am trying to fight this off and just be a guy but then it seems to be too strong.. I know when I get my letter I will start HRT.. I just can't seem to help it.

Well....as has been said, YMMV...perhaps you'll be happy on a low dose + no further transitioning (except for clothes and small details). But, you've already noticed the "I just can't help it..." feeling. Once you're on a low-dose, it might be that "you just can't help it" when your endo says, "Bloodwork is fine! I would like to increase the dosage to abc, how do you feel about that?"

You might get a wave of excitement....and you just can't help it, thinking "I can just get the Rx, but don't have to take the dose, just keep it low..." but the next morning, it's like "OMG Dr Endo said my dose should be abc...gotta take that!"

That's why you do need to plan "just in case", because transitioning can become a near-compulsive activity, once you realize how HRT affects you...you just gotta do it. (But again...some don't. They're happy at an intro level)

Beth,
I see your point and others.. that the E being something we did not get is like a drug..once we get it finally how do we stop and where does it end.
I just want the dysphoria to lighten up. Its always been there.. forever but now its like killing me. I may as well be 13 years old again having the same hopeless feelings.
I know I have a choice.. live till I die like I am or do something about it.  I think I need to give it a shot and see what happens.. At least if I try and I quit I know I tried.. If I do nothing then 5 years from now I will always wonder.. and if I get any older I will have less to gain in my opinion.
I am running on 4 cylinders right now... barely able to do my job. One day I think I can make it without taking E the next day I am like.. wow it just seems like the natural thing to do .
The girl is in charge most the time now.
Carrie

Quote from: carrie359 on October 10, 2013, 08:04:23 AM
Beth,
I see your point and others.. that the E being something we did not get is like a drug..once we get it finally how do we stop and where does it end.
I just want the dysphoria to lighten up. Its always been there.. forever but now its like killing me. I may as well be 13 years old again having the same hopeless feelings.
I know I have a choice.. live till I die like I am or do something about it.  I think I need to give it a shot and see what happens.. At least if I try and I quit I know I tried.. If I do nothing then 5 years from now I will always wonder.. and if I get any older I will have less to gain in my opinion.
I am running on 4 cylinders right now... barely able to do my job. One day I think I can make it without taking E the next day I am like.. wow it just seems like the natural thing to do .
The girl is in charge most the time now.
Carrie

Carrie, I think the time for You to act has come. I had exactly the same feelings before I finally started to search about transition and the HRT - I never thought that it was possible for me and that my time has long gone. But when it all just suddenly came back, I was unable to deal with it and for the worst part - initially, I could not figure out what was happening and just thought that I was in severe depression. And then, I started to vaguely remember those feelings, but could not clearly picture them into certain period of time (I was in very deep denial ever since I think I was 16, so I preferred to forget things which made me feel uneasy). But those feelings refused to go away and one day I remembered very clearly what were those feelings and what I was doing when I felt exactly the same - those were my long suppressed memories from early childhood-teens. And I basically freaked out, because I was sure that they are gone forever. Well, it was very far from truth... But here I am, at last

And Carrie...

Just take this process one step at a time. There's a chance you'll be happy with a low dose....and there's a chance you need more. But you won't know until you get there, and you can actually weigh the dysphoria against the effects of HRT.

And, neither will your wife. Even though she says "No!" to a girl-girl relationship...as time goes on and you keep trying to hold her in your heart...she'll weigh your transition and what it means to her, too. A breakup is never 100% guaranteed.

Hope this helps.

Quote from: -Emily- on October 10, 2013, 08:34:27 AM
Carrie, I think the time for You to act has come. I had exactly the same feelings before I finally started to search about transition and the HRT - I never thought that it was possible for me and that my time has long gone. But when it all just suddenly came back, I was unable to deal with it and for the worst part - initially, I could not figure out what was happening and just thought that I was in severe depression. And then, I started to vaguely remember those feelings, but could not clearly picture them into certain period of time (I was in very deep denial ever since I think I was 16, so I preferred to forget things which made me feel uneasy). But those feelings refused to go away and one day I remembered very clearly what were those feelings and what I was doing when I felt exactly the same - those were my long suppressed memories from early childhood-teens. And I basically freaked out, because I was sure that they are gone forever. Well, it was very far from truth... But here I am, at last

Emily exactly what happened to me.. went to a therapist for overeating and had my trans feelings tucked in a corner but I was always acting on it.. cross dressing but it was tucked away an just a little part of life hidden.
In therapy with a regular therapist she said I may have unresolved issues from childhood and I started crying and all the trans feelings memories feelings came forward and I knew I could not be honest with the therapist... to resolve my issues.
So after that I became depressed and then sought help.. at the same time this was happening another pilot came out ..Zoey and then the Navy seal came out.
I realized suddenly how real my gender issue is. My wife told me the other day she wishes I had done it the first time it came up in our marriage when I was around 30..  I have mixed emotions about full transition.. since I am 54.. testosterone has kicked my female ass...
Carrie

Quote from: Beth Andrea on October 10, 2013, 09:17:41 AM
And Carrie...

Just take this process one step at a time. There's a chance you'll be happy with a low dose....and there's a chance you need more. But you won't know until you get there, and you can actually weigh the dysphoria against the effects of HRT.

And, neither will your wife. Even though she says "No!" to a girl-girl relationship...as time goes on and you keep trying to hold her in your heart...she'll weigh your transition and what it means to her, too. A breakup is never 100% guaranteed.

Hope this helps.

Thanks Beth,
I think she would stay with me in the end...especially since its a slow process and she may even like me as a woman.. we may not have sex but we are truly soul mates so sex is not the driving factor in the success of our 31 year old marriage.. but she does say she gets ill when thinking of me as a woman..
She could not sleep the other night so was up late in the other room and a LGBT thing came on and showed a mtf transition.. and she freaked out.. bad timing.
Anyway she has agreed I should do low dose to calm things... so that is a step in the right direction.
Carrie

Quotetestosterone has kicked my female ass...
Carrie

The beauty of transitioning when one is older (I'm 49, started at 47) is that every little minute change is treasured and noticed by us. When one is younger...they might not notice the softer skin, because they still have youthful skin...they might not notice wrinkles lessening, and (often) a more youthful appearance, because they're still youthful.


But the mental and emotional changes are the biggest...and no one sees feels those but us. I can't even imagine going back to a T world...Like the song says..."Older women...make beautiful lovers...older women....they understand..."

So YAY! for older women!