How does one know if they are just merely a crossdresser or if they are a transexual? I'm curious to know if others are struggling with this question or if perhaps it's an indicator that I am deffinately a transexual and trying to avoid it? Do some transexuals that have spouses that they love who do not support their transition use crossdressing to cope? Perhaps it's just a question of which is more important to me? My relationship with my spouse or transitioning? I just don't want to hit old age and regret my choices. My spouse doesn't want to stay with me if the road ends up with transitioning as it will be wasted time for her.

Does it bother you that people in your life don't treat you like the gender you crossdress into? If that's all ok with you, you're probably not trans. If you want people to see you as a member of the opposite sex all the time, than it goes beyond crossdressing.

I can't advise you about your marriage, only to see that when people delay transition to save their marriage, they often end up in such dire straights that the marriage falls apart anyway. Someone who truly loves you will want you to be able to live as yourself.

Others may disagree.

Interesting response... thank you! When you ask "Does it bother you that people in your life don't treat you like the gender you crossdress into?" Do you mean when I'm actually dressed? Or when I'm in my bio born presentation? I'm a biological male, so when I'm dressed as a man I get treated as a man of course. I can't say if it bothers me because why would anyone treat me anything differently? I've never been treated as a woman by anyone, so I'm not sure how I would feel. I'm so used to being treated as a man that it would probably feel very strange at first. I've only been dressed in public a few times. I felt like a fake and nobody interacted with me except on one occasion when I was clocked by a very old friend. She was accepting since we were at a gay club and obviously she was a very open minded person being there. I remembered that I was quite bothered that she recognized me and felt like a failure at presenting as the opposite sex.

Some more about me....

I want HRT and complete feminization of my body. Not positive about SRS yet. But perhaps I just need to come to terms that I can't have that. I'm a genetic male and should live within that realm right? I can still be feminine without transitioning. I've been at this point before in my life and a therapist blocked me from hormones for some reason. I hated it! I wanted to start them right away. Then I turned to Buddhism and found temporary peace just accepting my physical appearance as it was. I realized that the soul is genderless and that we all end up at the same place spiritually in the end anyways, male or female. I also fell victim to gender stereo types and thought that I needed to stop doing the "manly" things that I did enjoy such as fixing things, lifting heavy things when needed, fishing, drinking beer, swearing, ect. I also don't want my father and older children to be sexually attracted to me. That scares me and makes me feel awkward and foolish. Especially since my father tends to be very derogatory towards women, sex and their bodies. I also encountered pitting and scaring during the electrolysis I started to get. I got scared that I would never look feminine enough. I'm attracted to women so that ups my odds if I stayed a man. Three years later and the whole thing hits me again. The interesting thing is that it comes at a similar time as before in that there is a lot of stress in my life. So which comes first the chicken or the egg? Does stress make me self sooth by feminizing or is my emotional net just simply overflowing now? Lastly my pregnant fiancee makes transitioning a boundary for which she can not cross with me. She doesn't want me to waste her time and I don't want to waste hers either let alone my own. I feel so guilty even bringing this stuff up right now given that she is pregnant, but we have a very emotionally open relationship and she has a super emotional radar so I can't/don't hide anything from her. I'm finding it harder and harder to mentally stay a man during sex. My mind is automatically going to female mode and I become a non-op transexual in my mind and she knows this and feels it without me even telling her even though I'm on top. Funny thing about this all is that she used to be in a serious relationship with a woman and she was the man in that relationship. But it didn't work out and she never proclaimed herself a lesbian. She is Bi with a strong lean towards men and wants to be with a man as a life long partner. Even more strange is that she wants to have a penis. So I consider myself very lucky as I'm with an amazing woman that I love and adore. I'm just not sure about living full time as a man anymore. We have yet to spend much time playing with gender roles in the bedroom. I think ordering a strap on is definitely in order! But she wants to be the feminine one in the relationship which isn't going to happen anytime soon being as pregnant as she is. I guess as I write this I'm realizing that I'm lucky to have a woman like her and that I need to just give things time and a chance for us to explore together. The answers will become apparent over time I believe.

The difference between TS and CD generally is something called gender dysphoria.

Gender dysphoria is a feeling of unwellness, anxiety, and often depression, caused by a lack of ability to express one's gender identity. In other words, for a MtF, the state of being male would actively bother this person. They would feel like being male is not right.

Cross-dressers just generally enjoy the experience of playing around with gender expression and gender roles, but don't really have much of a problem with the gender they were born as, they just enjoy becoming the opposite gender for various reasons, and fantasizing about it.

From what you've said so far, to me it sounds like you have some TG tendencies, but you didn't really mention anything about being a guy bothering you, and your main impetus seems to be fantasizing about feminization, so I don't know. I will say, though, that the fact that you have actively sought hormone treatment, as well as the fact that it appears that the primary thing keeping you from exploring transition is just societal concerns, fear over what other people would think, and outright self-denial about trying to suppress yourself for religious and personal reasons, to me sounds eerily similar to how I myself thought for a majority of my adult life. But I don't know.

Really, that's what it boils down to. Is being female just something that you enjoy fantasizing about? Or does being male actively bother you? I can't quite discern it just from what you've written.

I'm not big on being a guy. I don't feel very manly at all. I'm afraid of other men. I have no male friends and have trouble relating to other men and just simply feel awkward and nervous around them and have my whole life. I get along with women great though. I feel feminine inside with a love for gardening and creating music. I'm an extremely laid back individual and an introvert. I have been both a mom and a dad to my two oldest kids since their mom abandoned them when they were little and I got full custody of them. My kids are very open minded and wouldn't disown me or anything like that so no worries there. The same goes for my family. When I look at my body in the mirror it looks very feminine (outside of arm muscles I built up when trying to become more manly by taking up boxing training).

The question is, though, again, are you bothered by being a man? Your wording seems to circumvent this, and make it sound like you're trying to come up with reasons why you should be a woman. And to be honest, a lot of them sound like they're completely based on gender stereotypes, not on actual gender identity. You can be feminine and yet still be male. You can love gardening and music and get along better with women and still be male.

I think really you might want to talk to a therapist about this. I can't really tell just based on the things that you've posted here. You seem to have some conflicting thoughts on the matter.

Study it more. Read some articles like this one talking about what gender dysphoria is and how most people experience it: http://www.avitale.com/developmentalreview.htm Watch some Youtube videos of transgender women talking about their experiences. See if they resonate with your experiences. Talk to a gender therapist. Ultimately, the only one who can figure out if you're really TS or not is you.

Hi,
Reading your posts it sounds that you are far more than a crossdresser. However only you can know whether or not you are transgender. You are very lucky to have a relationship with your fiancee that is so open to exploring both of your genders. I think that in time you may both come to understand and accept who you are and how you will live your lives.
I wish you both happiness together whatever decisions you make.
Ciara

Generally speaking, most of us that are TG, the clothes are not what we want, we want to belong in the clothes we wear.

I am NOT a guy, so it is pointless to tell me I look handsome and saying I would look good in a suit means nothing to me, in fact it might annoy me to be told that.

I don't call wearing a dress cross dressing. I suppose that is the key distinction for many of us. Women wear women's clothing, and I am just unfortunately not a Disney Princess

I recently got a new night gown, finally one that fits nicely. Wearing it is not me cross dressing though (and predominant opinions mean little to me regarding that). Women wear night gowns.

But it needs to be sorted out in your own mind I guess. Are you ok looking like a guy. Are you ok peeing standing. Do you need to use the women's rest room to feel 'right'. Is the clothing something you can do or not do? How badly do you need to be acknowledged as male or female? You might actually be androgynous which is also not a problem. Some don't need to be either or where male and female is concerned.

But inasmuch as you are married, well there is a thread currently underway that might be good reading. Generally speaking spouses what the person they married in almost every case, and changing what they married often kills the deal for most. They are unlikely to be inclined to indulge cross dressing any more than outright transition. Being a part time woman is likely not any different to some wives I suppose.

How important is the marriage, and how much of a burden will it be to not be female for you?

While I cannot speak for your situation, I can tell you what helped me. Long ago and far away, I myself could not tell where I was in the spectrum. I knew where I thought I belonged, but I was too dammed scared to make that move, so I thought maybe I could take things part way and be happy. I had built up a preconceived notion that a TS woman was some mythical boy who was raised as a girl and was always pretty and feminine, etc etc etc. I never thought in a million years that I was a typical run of the mill candidate. So I needed some help deciding although at the time I didn't know that was what I was doing. I just wanted to know there were other people like me and hang out with them for support. This way I knew I wasn't nuts.

I joined a crossdresser group and gave it a whirl. There are 2 kinds of CDer I found. The ones deeply in the closet and afraid to walk out the front door, and the ones who like to go out and do things. From the start I knew I wasn't a fit. I just couldn't get all dressed and sit around and talk about the red sox. Likewise I didn't want to get dressed up and go to a gay bar at night. I really wanted to be where every one else was, in the mall, walking through a park, going to the movies, what have you. My attempt at defining myself as a CDer was a doomed proposition. I found I liked being around the TG and TS women more and there was a better fit. Plus I really really loved being out, being myself and doing things in the real world. It wasn't scary to me to be that way, I felt natural and normal being out.

Taking the giant step of the gender transition took me a few years of soul searching eventually to me leading almost a double life. The more I was around other ts women and admired them for their clear faces and lack of facial hair and long hair and painted nails, and feminine names,  and let's not forget the courage(!) the more I knew that was what I wanted. So I drew up my plans. The next part for me was hard, that all important therapy step. Eventually I summoned up the courage and made my move. I was afraid that because of my association with the CDing world that I wouldn't be taken seriously and would be denied surgery and hormones. But it turned out that wasn't even a factor in the equation. I controlled the transition and I could make it operate at any speed I wanted fast or slow. When my day finally came, I can tell you I was pretty much like everyone else. I wanted it all done today! Of course once I started to realize how much all this surgery was going to cost I knew this was going to take years, never mind the hundreds of hours of electrolysis spread out over about 3 years.

I can tell you this though. In my years I have run into a pretty good number of post transitioned women such as myself. There is a recurring theme that occurs over and over. It's called the transsexual imperative. It was this one thing that I and others like me were destined to do. When it hits, it just happens all by itself. I almost felt like I was outside of myself and watching me change. There was no control, it was like my whole life was to that point just a precursor to doing this one thing, and once I started it, it was like a perpetual motion machine that took off on it's own. When it was all done, it was then I realized that everything I knew about myself in life, that I should have been born a female, was true. I wasn't dreaming it up, it wasn't a passing fancy, it was a life long thing I knew about myself, until finally one day the changes happened all by itself.

I know that my favorite day of the whole thing was the day I went full time. It was awesome. I felt like I was unleashed into the world as a brand new person, but one with no social skills whatsoever! I had a lot and I mean a LOT of growing up to do. But here I am today, having lived full time for the last 12 years and post-op for the last 10, and I am still a happy camper! Hope that helps!

Quote from: Zumbagirl on October 17, 2013, 08:08:30 PM
When it hits, it just happens all by itself. I almost felt like I was outside of myself and watching me change. There was no control, it was like my whole life was to that point just a precursor to doing this one thing, and once I started it, it was like a perpetual motion machine that took off on it's own.

Wow. This is the best description of what happened to me I've ever read.

Quote from: Zumbagirl on October 17, 2013, 08:08:30 PM
While I cannot speak for your situation, I can tell you what helped me. Long ago and far away, I myself could not tell where I was in the spectrum. I knew where I thought I belonged, but I was too dammed scared to make that move, so I thought maybe I could take things part way and be happy. I had built up a preconceived notion that a TS woman was some mythical boy who was raised as a girl and was always pretty and feminine, etc etc etc. I never thought in a million years that I was a typical run of the mill candidate. So I needed some help deciding although at the time I didn't know that was what I was doing. I just wanted to know there were other people like me and hang out with them for support. This way I knew I wasn't nuts.

I joined a crossdresser group and gave it a whirl. There are 2 kinds of CDer I found. The ones deeply in the closet and afraid to walk out the front door, and the ones who like to go out and do things. From the start I knew I wasn't a fit. I just couldn't get all dressed and sit around and talk about the red sox. Likewise I didn't want to get dressed up and go to a gay bar at night. I really wanted to be where every one else was, in the mall, walking through a park, going to the movies, what have you. My attempt at defining myself as a CDer was a doomed proposition. I found I liked being around the TG and TS women more and there was a better fit. Plus I really really loved being out, being myself and doing things in the real world. It wasn't scary to me to be that way, I felt natural and normal being out.

I know that my favorite day of the whole thing was the day I went full time. It was awesome. I felt like I was unleashed into the world as a brand new person, but one with no social skills whatsoever! I had a lot and I mean a LOT of growing up to do. But here I am today, having lived full time for the last 12 years and post-op for the last 10, and I am still a happy camper! Hope that helps!

Zumbagirl, you have helped me tons with just what you posted!!!  I always thought that I was probably transsexual but I always wondered in the back of my mind if I may be CD and just into clothing?  I was never 100% sure.  I really, really LOVE female clothing, heels, and presenting as female. Wearing heels would make me very happy, but I also loved being thought of as female by others, and my personality aligns much more closely with females.  But then you mentioned that crossdresser group just felt like a bunch of guys talking about guy stuff, but enjoyed just dressing as female, and that really struck me. 

That would be really icky to me, just being 'with the guys'.  And I would rather go shopping with girlfriends at the mall, or just hanging out doing girl stuff, and it would make me so much happier if people treated me as female, and saw me as female.  So with your post,  you just helped me to understand myself completely, and to finally realize that I was 100% TS and not a CD.  Thank you!!!

I didn't want to have to be a transsexual.  Who in their right mind would want to subject themselves to our daily trials?  I definitely had severe dysphoria, but I thought transitioning could spell the end of my otherwise good life and I tried everything for years to cope and avoid doing it.  My therapist convinced me to take a low dose of estrogen just to see if it helped, and boy howdy, it did.  In just two hours, my anxiety almost disappeared.  I felt wonderfully calm, like I haven't felt since pre-adolescence.  A few weeks later, my skin got girly soft, hair began to grow back on my head and I had the beginnings of breasts that were becoming noticeable.  If I wasn't transsexual I would have probably freaked out and quit.  Instead, I just wanted MORE.  The breasts were definitely a life-affirming moment, and I went full time shortly thereafter.  Putting it off until middle age was probably a mistake.

Zumbagirl, thank you, such a wonderful insight. 

Quote from: Genzen on October 17, 2013, 10:23:09 AM
How does one know if they are just merely a crossdresser or if they are a transexual? I'm curious to know if others are struggling with this question or if perhaps it's an indicator that I am deffinately a transexual and trying to avoid it? Do some transexuals that have spouses that they love who do not support their transition use crossdressing to cope? Perhaps it's just a question of which is more important to me? My relationship with my spouse or transitioning? I just don't want to hit old age and regret my choices. My spouse doesn't want to stay with me if the road ends up with transitioning as it will be wasted time for her.

I've been struggling with these questions for a good part of my life. I wish it made me an expert on the matter but I aint.... Perhaps that is why I always thought of myself as a CD++, a bit more than a cross-dresser. A good of the reasons why is having experimented with transitioning, twice, in my 20's and my on again, off again history with HRT for a brain/emotional reseting.

My wife knew early on about my history and have been somewhat supportive. I had settled into the course of being a guy. Safe to stick with. She was OK with my ocassional (~ 1/month ) need to cross-dress. More often during high stress times. Which putting full energies into "being a guy" meant a lot of stress at times as I buried myself in my career and an endless To-Do list at home.

I really believe now that I always knew I was a TS. Taking, or trying to convince myself,  the CD route was "safer", more comfortable. Did not involve having to deal with all the unknowns, as well as all the potential losses and changes to my "it isn't always that bad" male-ish life.

After a sort of life crises, which led to a lot of life reviewing, I knew I needed to confront the trans beast head on. I found a fantastic TG support group and eventually got into therapy to address many of the side effects of being TG. Transition was the furthest thing from my mind. Been there. Tried that. Not again.

With self acceptance came a lot of other changes. I think Suzi summed it up best. I achieved my life long dream of being seen as and accepted as a woman. Now the big question plaguing me is do I "need" to transition. Something my wife isn't all that thrilled with either. Yes, I want to. I also want and need many other things in my life. Some the odds are against retaining if I transition to full-time. But if I need to. If the choice comes down to Do I? Or simply check out as it boiled to many others, then the answer is clear.

Joanne what a great way to see things. I really like what you had to say.  That full time 24/7 step is a biggie and a game changer. It definitely changed my life, thankfully for the better. It doesn't always work that way though.

When it was me I've been going out in girl clothes when I was a teenager. I got over the fear of being out when I was young. Still the coming out and getting it off my chest was hard.

The real question for the original poster is whether or not a full transition is in the cards. To do that unfortunately requires an all-in poker hand. There is not not much one can do. It to put everything on the table and answer the question "if I lost everything, home, career, family and friends just to live life in a new sex would it still be worth it?"

That's a pretty heavy question and I would urge anyone to take a good look in the mirror and then walk around the block a few hundred times before saying one way or another. Of course if the bell has already gone off then there is no point. It's going to happen like it or not