Quote from: Joules on October 22, 2013, 10:48:06 AM
Hugs Sephirah.
I'm going through something similar with my brother, also my only remaining family "of old", although I have 2 sons. I came out to him, and he did most of the PC things. They were only contrived, not from the heart. A few weeks later, he was quite stoned and blabbered out a lot of thoughtless, hurtful things. We later talked about it, and he was apologetic, but never promised to change things, such as quitting the Cannabis, or not calling me when he was stoned. I forgive him for the past trans*gressions (pun intended) but I'm just not sure about the future. Like you, I have a lot of history with my brother, that doesn't just disappear and it's so very hard to discard it if that's not necessary. I won't go through another event like the stoned phone call. I quit answering him when he calls, we haven't spoken since that day. (The discussions we've had have been by email). I miss him. Perhaps when I have made more progress, have become stronger, and he has settled in on the concept of losing a little brother and gaining a little sister, we can mend the fences.
Thank you very much, Joules.
I sincerely hope your brother reaches a point where he can accept the reality of who you are, and see you for yourself rather than the image he has of you. It is hard sometimes to trust those who have hurt us. Doubly so if it is those we thought never would. I don't think you have to change yourself more though. I think the changes have to be made by your brother. Rather than you becoming stronger, I think he has to become more... understanding. I sincerely hope that time facilitates that, and you reach a point where you can have a meaningful relationship with him again.
Quote from: Shantel on October 22, 2013, 10:52:51 AM
Sephirah,
Hugs and love to you dear! I'm not privy to what had formerly happened between you and your brother, but I do share your angst. My only brother has a controlling, overbearing spouse who has worked feverishly for years at alienating him and isolating him from his family, so I think I get a part of the picture and understand the pain. It's strange how a woman like that can exert so much negative influence on our loved ones that they can themselves become hateful towards us. Let's hope for those women's sake that there is a hell and that it's damned hot! 
Thank you, sweetie. My brother has enacted physical violence against me in the past, and I suspect orchestrated something much worse. I cannot prove anything, and the only evidence I have is circumstantial at best, so I don't speak about it here.
Your experience sounds very similar to mine. His wife seems to control everything he does, says and thinks. I was not allowed to see my niece and nephew because she deemed I would be a danger to them. That they might "catch what I have". I haven't seen either since they were born. That hurts, if I'm honest. But I try not to think about it.
Being that I am the only family from his side that he has left, too, it wasn't so hard to isolate him. He is so eager to be loved that he has willingly thrown himself into her, and her family. The family he never had. For that I cannot blame her. She gave him what he wanted. I cannot blame him for wanting that, either. Everyone wants to be loved, I guess.
There were times I hoped she would linger in the depths of Tartarus. I have a dark side which no one here ever sees. One which... yeah, better not to speak of it. It's something I have to forcibly control sometimes. Nevertheless, my pillow has often been the sole witness to the tears, the hurt, the anger. But none of that changes anything. It won't change who they are, how they act. So in the end, there is just sadness for things lost.
...
I hope that your brother reaches a point where he can see what's really important. And that you can have a relationship again, if that's what you want. *hugs*
Quote from: Amelia Pond on October 22, 2013, 11:04:24 AM
I'm sorry you're going through this Lauren. *HUGS*
I was having similar feelings when it came to my "dad." I wanted to forgive him for all of the abuse (physical, psychological, emotional) over the years and people can change but I also haven't talked to him in over 13 years for a reason. Personally, I decided that he can't be forgiven and that's that.
As for your predicament, I don't know what your brother did but if you don't think you can forgive him and have a relationship with him again, then don't, you're better off without him. As far as blood relatives go, they're really overrated. Then again, my definition of family is "people who you care about and care about you in return." So, the majority of my blood relatives are not my family. The majority of my family are not blood relatives.
*BIGS HUGS*
Amy
Thank you very much, Amy. A big part of me knows that you're totally right. That I should move on. Fill my life with other things. Meaningful ones. Other people, too. Ones I can have a relationship with.
I just... I don't know... I guess I just feel lonely sometimes. Isolated. Afraid of the future and wanting to not... hmm... it doesn't matter. I guess sometimes my humanity asserts itself in ways which I don't quite know how to deal with. Sometimes even I get scared, and feel like curling up into a ball of tears in the corner.
Sorry, I didn't mean to talk about myself so much.
Again, thank you, all of you.
