At my therapy session this morning, my therapist said I had to go in to see my psychiatrist because of state of mind and stability issues that have cropped up again in the past couple of weeks.

Then, right afterwards, I went to the doctor for a follow up because I've been having a weird reaction when I do injections. At the appointment, she started asking me about my mood stability since taking T, as I have bipolar disorder. I had to be honest with her - she and my therapist can communicate.

I told the Dr about what my therapist was concerned about, and she agreed with my therapist and said I have to go back into to see my psychiatrist right away. She also said that given what was going on with me with mental stability and allergy issues with the injections, she is pausing me on hormones for 1 month. After that, I would have to start over at a very, very low dose. To top that off, she may make me to do topical if we can't figure out what is causing the allergic reactions. I would put up with the allergic reaction instead of going topical if given the choice.

She also is going to call my psychiatrist and my therapist and talk about this with them, which sorta feels like people going over my head to make decisions for me. I do understand where they are coming from and what the concerns are for me with mood and mental stability right now. I pretty much knew that when I told them what was going on with me they would make this decision. Now, I don't know what is going to happen with anything. If I continue to be honest with them about what is going on in with me, then they could delay T even further. Medication changes are certain, which means a whole host of issues and new side effects to deal with.

I should be both angry at having to stop and scared that doctors feel like I am too unstable to make the best decisions for myself. I have no reaction at all though. Instead, I just feel numb. 2 months of T and now nothing. I feel detached from everything - like I am just an uncommitted spectator witnessing the events of my life. It is projected on a screen I occasionally glance over at when I happen to turn my head that way, and honestly it all just feels very uninteresting at this point in time.

I'm sorry to hear that you're having emotional problems, I know how that is, as well as having to stop T.

I know how much it must suck but it seems that they just want you to be healthy and happy and the T may be causing you to not be either. It's not like they're trying to be gatekeepers and keep you from transitioning, they just want to make sure it won't have any detrimental long term effects.

*HUGS* (you're not like androidnick and dislike hugs from women, right? )

Amy

I can't remember--how often were your doses? I inject more frequently so that my moods remain stable. But that's not enough for some of us; a lot of guys (and their doctors) prefer gel/cream because the steady dose is good for mood/mental issues. I guess I'm wondering why your docs don't play around with dosage and/or delivery method before stopping you completely. I guess they know best--they are physicians, after all.

I haven't been here much lately--what is going on with you?

I don't know why they don't consider t-cream (not necessarily low dose) which would give you a very steady dose. Another possibility would be shots every week. The up and down might not be best. I know people who are not bipolar who crashed on two week doses.

--Jay

Quote from: Amelia Pond on October 23, 2013, 08:14:30 PM
*HUGS*

thanks Amy

Quote from: Arch on October 23, 2013, 09:14:25 PM
I can't remember--how often were your doses? I inject more frequently so that my moods remain stable. But that's not enough for some of us; a lot of guys (and their doctors) prefer gel/cream because the steady dose is good for mood/mental issues. I guess I'm wondering why your docs don't play around with dosage and/or delivery method before stopping you completely. I guess they know best--they are physicians, after all.

I haven't been here much lately--what is going on with you?

I inject every week. I had an allergic reaction, so we have been trying different things to figure out what was causing it. During an appointment for this, my doctor realized something was wrong with me and probed me on it, and I admitted that I am pretty detached from reality and sinking to the bottom of the ocean simultaneously.  My therapist also noticed this, and they are both having me go to back to the psychiatrist.

I'm purposely not going into the details for personal reasons, but I am pretty clearly spinning up into some sorta of pseudo mania range. I feel above and below reality. No doubt why I am sharing all of this really personal information on a public forum where it will be read and judged and by strangers

if I am honest with my shrink they are going to snow me under with medication. They may even hospitalize me, which has never happened to me before, even when it should have, but honestly I wouldn't say it would be the wrong decision. I don't even know how that works. I have insurance but it has a really high deductible.

my therapist is next week and the psych appt is the day after that. I live in a state where MJ is legal and I can't stay away from it right now. It allows coasting.

I trust this doctor and my therapist on trans issues without question. once they let me go back on T, she will work with me to do everything possible to stay on injections. It is just delayed because I was really climbing the walls at my appointment. I agree with their decision, it just that the whole bundle of issues is sitting in the corner of the room holding a gun to my head making me watch while all of the progress of my last two months is drained away.

just wanted to say sorry for being a needy nancy with posts lately....and sorry for not posting this in the t sub-forum


also...

on second thought no matter how much she thinks my mood is spinning out of control, should she really have taken me off of it for now? I guess the allergy deal makes it complicated but still, but won't this make my mood tank even more?

my therapist will agree with the dr's decision on everything. My psych will be awkward and clueless.

Hey there
I think it is a terribly idea to pause your hormones, that is going to cause more emotional issues than help in my opinion. I have also been diagnosed as bipolar in the past, but I found the detached feeling that I got from testosterone to be a blessing. No more flying off the handle about small crap. I think if they can talk about you together than you should request to be a part of the conversation to clear things up. Maybe a threeway call.

I don't know what dose you are on--and we cannot discuss it here--but I have a friend whose bipolar went out of control because his dose was too low. He didn't realize it for a long time because it was unintentional. One of the docs mistakenly gave him a lower concentration of T but the same amount injected, so my friend was getting half of the dose he should have been getting. He even refilled the prescription without noticing! Once his dose was readjusted, he started feeling much better. I think they also upped his psych meds at the same time, but the increase in T seemed to be the deciding factor.

I guess this is also a good lesson that we should always check our meds before we take them home. We can't assume that everyone in the chain will get it right. Occasionally, a doc or pharmacist will make a mistake.

The allergic reaction seems odd to me. Didn't you say that you tried two different oils? Is it possible that you are allergic to both?

Quote from: chuck on October 23, 2013, 11:07:11 PM
Hey there
I think it is a terribly idea to pause your hormones, that is going to cause more emotional issues than help in my opinion. I have also been diagnosed as bipolar in the past, but I found the detached feeling that I got from testosterone to be a blessing. No more flying off the handle about small crap. I think if they can talk about you together than you should request to be a part of the conversation to clear things up. Maybe a threeway call.

I can understand wanting to 'reset' me mentally back to a default state to start from the bottom and figure out what is wrong, but after thinking about it for a bit tonight, I agree with you. I think T and the mood issue are ultimately unrelated, but they are being intertwined due to timing and weirdness.

I will have to miss my shot before I see anybody again. I have no idea when they will talk to each other. I had to fill out a bunch of forms allowing them to communicate with each other about me. I can't even sneak in that injection because if it reacts really badly, it will cause problems.

Quote from: Arch on October 23, 2013, 11:18:52 PM
I don't know what dose you are on--and we cannot discuss it here--but I have a friend whose bipolar went out of control because his dose was too low. He didn't realize it for a long time because it was unintentional. One of the docs mistakenly gave him a lower concentration of T but the same amount injected, so my friend was getting half of the dose he should have been getting. He even refilled the prescription without noticing! Once his dose was readjusted, he started feeling much better. I think they also upped his psych meds at the same time, but the increase in T seemed to be the deciding factor.

I guess this is also a good lesson that we should always check our meds before we take them home. We can't assume that everyone in the chain will get it right. Occasionally, a doc or pharmacist will make a mistake.

The allergic reaction seems odd to me. Didn't you say that you tried two different oils? Is it possible that you are allergic to both?

Yeah...first I did the cypionate in seasme oil that Stroheckers compounds. Then, I got another cypionate that calls itself a generic of depo-testosterone suspended in cottonseed oil that was not compounded, but was also ordered from them. I had two reactions in a row on the first, then I went to the doctor and she switched me, lowered my dose, told me to inject in thigh instead of stomach, and I had another reaction in pretty much the same way though not quite as severe.

The reaction may actually be due to the psych meds I am currently on. One of them causes bizarre random skin issues as a side effect, and they had me injecting subcutaneously. Before she made the decision to have me stop for now, we were going to try straight up deep IM injections to see if that bypassed a reaction.

The reaction was not all that awful - itchy as anything and looks scary initially, but it went away in ~3 days or so. I would put up with it, honestly if I had to, especially if no other option existed. She did say that my body may not be processing it the right way because of the reaction...but I have noticeable changes, so who knows.

I came out to my psychiatrist days before I started taking T as almost an aside as I was walking out to the door of my last appointment...probably not the best idea. I like him as a doctor though, I hope he is not really weirded out by all of this.

also ...the reaction happened for the first time on my 5th shot, I think it was. Right after my dose was increased a bit after the first month.

Quote from: chuck on October 23, 2013, 11:07:11 PM
Hey there
I think it is a terribly idea to pause your hormones, that is going to cause more emotional issues than help in my opinion. I have also been diagnosed as bipolar in the past, but I found the detached feeling that I got from testosterone to be a blessing. No more flying off the handle about small crap. I think if they can talk about you together than you should request to be a part of the conversation to clear things up. Maybe a threeway call.

I agree with this. Is it time for a second opinion? I don't know but it sounds like your therapist/psychiatrist might not be altogether onboard with this. I don't entirely agree with Amelia on this. SOME of them are really in this for your interests, but some of them are not so much. Gatekeeping can have power and unfortunately some of them are into that. And then some may not have the knowledge to understand what this could be.

--Jay

Quote from: aleon515 on October 24, 2013, 02:44:14 PM
I agree with this. Is it time for a second opinion? I don't know but it sounds like your therapist/psychiatrist might not be altogether onboard with this. I don't entirely agree with Amelia on this. SOME of them are really in this for your interests, but some of them are not so much. Gatekeeping can have power and unfortunately some of them are into that. And then some may not have the knowledge to understand what this could be.

--Jay

I would think this too, but my therapist and doctor are probably two of the least gatekeeper like trans healthcare related professionals in the universe. I trust both of them not to gatekeep in anyway without question.

I am actually very lucky to have them for my transition. Without a doubt, somewhere else I would be having a way rougher time with all of this. I understand their caution. Pausing me lets me handle the mood then the allergy. If the allergy is hurting the way my body absorbs the T, then it could be contributing to the mood issues, and it would just be another variable messing up stability.

I was just really upset yesterday about all of it, so I vented on here. All I can do now is try and wait until next week. Hopefully, they won't have to change my medication too much, and I can start T back again as soon as possible. I keep telling myself that getting really upset about it and doing nothing to help my mood or health will only make it worse, so I just need to stay as steady and stable as possible.

Well if you *can* talk with them then you should do that. Talk about what you feel re: stopping. I think if you feel that you are listened to, you may well be right. I think then you should talk about it all. Not sure re: the allergy. I think a compounding pharmacy can put the T into something else. Not sure what they'd use, but this is the reason that there are compounding pharmacies, potentially there are many different oils.

--Jay

I know it sucks, but it really is worth it to be sure you're completely healthy throughout transition, physically and mentally/emotionally. So don't withhold information or lie to your physician or therapist about anything. Even if it deters your transition. Do it right, do it well.