Hi, everyone.  'Tis the Kai here.

I hope this isn't against the rules (I looked over the TOS, couldn't find anything about it) but I wanted to change my username so I made a new account.  It was too long and it bugged me how it kinda bled into the topic subject at the top (I'm ocd like that ).  And I kinda just want to be Kai. 

I deleted my first intro because, well, I donno.  I kinda felt like I put myself out there too much.  I woke up this morning and read my post and felt kinda weird about it.  I wrote it in the early hours of the morning when I was delirious and sleep deprived and I felt like it was a little TMI-ish and I was kind of embarrassed. @_@ 

I would like to thank V M, Cindy and Amelia for welcoming me to the group though.

Also, I feel the need to confess just how confused I actually am...

Despite everything I've gone through, I sometimes have thoughts that I'm not really trans, and I'm terrified that I might be here for all the wrong reasons.  Although, I'm not sure what those reasons might be.  A desire to fit in somewhere, for one, I guess. 

But then, I read the stories and experiences of other FtM, and I feel like I'm reading about myself.  *trigger trigger trigger*  I read the definitions of transgender or transsexual and over and over I feel like its describing me.  *trigger trigger trigger*  And I think... how could I not be trans?

I've just been struggling with a lot of conflicting thoughts and emotions and I'm not sure how to interpret it all.  I think part of the reason is I'm still trying to figure out who I am and how to be myself and express myself.  But I'm really scared to let myself out of my shell.  I've had these walls up my entire life and I feel extremely vulnerable letting them down.  I'm just a confused mess.

I just have so much respect for the entire LGBT community, and I don't want to come in here feeling like I'm faking it for some inexplicable reason I'm not fully aware of, and I just want to let everyone know that.  I have no idea what to do with myself right now.  I think maybe I could just try to calm down and relax and give myself more time to think.  I think I'm trying to figure it out all at once, but I know that's impossible.  I'm thinking about talking to my cousin about how I'm feeling.  She and I are so close and sometimes I think she knows me better than I know myself.  And she already has a couple trans friends, so I know she would be understanding.

Either way, whether I am trans or not, I am at the very least an ally and a supporter and I hope that you will still welcome me into your community regardless of what I am or am not.

Thanks for bearing with me you guys...  Sorry I am such a mess.   

~Kai

Kai, you don't have to be anything in order to be here, hon. We try to offer the same level of friendship, support and a home to anyone, no matter who they feel they are, are not, or are in the process of finding out about.

Whoever you are, I'm pretty sure that you'll figure it out in your own time.

In the mean time, come on in, make yourself at home, and who knows, maybe in time you'll take a few steps out of your shell. *hugs* There's no rush. For now, just know that you're more than welcome here. And more than welcome to bounce any thoughts you have off the numerous folks here who will be only too happy to share their insight and support with you.

I'm with Seph on this one!!

Hi Kai, 

Welcome to Susan's.

Thanks, everyone.   I'm feeling better already.  Thank you especially, Sephirah.  You don't know how much your words mean to me.  ^_^  Joys!

Re-welcome Kai!

Amy

Hi Kai,

Is it like this? 



-maggie

Hahaha!    Yes, very much so!!!

Even though I did not read the one you had written before, I think I now can see the resemblance that you had mentioned when you posted and gave me a welcome into the forum.
I have to say, you should be proud... And when reading through yours, I could also feel like I was reading about myself, something triggering in the back of my mind.
I'm not sure if I am in any position for saying this, since I just joined a couple of hours ago.
Welcome Kai!

Quote from: Dalex on October 24, 2013, 12:43:27 AM
Even though I did not read the one you had written before, I think I now can see the resemblance that you had mentioned when you posted and gave me a welcome into the forum.
I have to say, you should be proud... And when reading through yours, I could also feel like I was reading about myself, something triggering in the back of my mind.
I'm not sure if I am in any position for saying this, since I just joined a couple of hours ago.
Welcome Kai!

Thanks Yeah, I kinda wish I wouldn't have deleted it.  I had written a lot, actually. XP  Darn.  But if you ever feel like you wanna ask me something or just chat it up you are certainly more than welcome to send me a PM! 

Quote from: ~Kai on October 24, 2013, 07:38:03 AM
Thanks Yeah, I kinda wish I wouldn't have deleted it.  I had written a lot, actually. XP  Darn.  But if you ever feel like you wanna ask me something or just chat it up you are certainly more than welcome to send me a PM! 

Sure And same to you my friend, if there is anything you would like to ask I'm a rather open person when it comes to a lot of things, and I try my best to be myself most of the time (Most of the time... Though, I try to fit in as hard as I can into the female role when I am in public... Its hard sometimes...)

Quote from: Dalex on October 24, 2013, 12:45:27 PM
Sure And same to you my friend, if there is anything you would like to ask I'm a rather open person when it comes to a lot of things, and I try my best to be myself most of the time (Most of the time... Though, I try to fit in as hard as I can into the female role when I am in public... Its hard sometimes...)

I hear ya.  I absolutely hate leaving my house feeling like I have to put on an act.  It's so hard to be myself knowing that when people look at me they see a female.