Quote from: Miranda Elizabeth on October 25, 2013, 12:50:25 AM
When I first saw this thread about half and hour ago, I thought, 'great, I need to get this off my chest.' Then I read a few posts and decided not to read anymore. I have enough depression over this very subject, and the line between what I'm doing and what I should be doing has blurred to the point that I no longer know if leaving him would be any solution at all. I've lived in reality only the last two years of my life, as the woman I've always been. I was a male impersonator before now. I pass without any problems whatsoever and although I'm very much at ease in my skin now and am never clocked, once in awhile I still think, 'Wow, Mira. You're actually doing what you wanted to do for your whole life.' Anyway, I've been seeing a man for a year now that I'm deeply in love with, and I'm sure he loves me. He's been divorced for over twenty years and has two grown kids, conservative kids he says who won't accept me if they find out I was born male. He's proud of me in public and doesn't hesitate to hold me, kiss me, open doors for me, etc., but in his private life I'm in the shadows and it hurts me badly. He's getting a surgery for a broken nose on Tuesday and because of an arrangement I signed off on, his family is, at least for now, off limits. So I won't be able to see him for at least a week or more, because he's going to stay at his daughter's house. We were on the phone today and weren't even talking about my shadow life, but I blurted out "You know we're not going to be able to see each other for awhile because I'm ->-bleeped-<-ing trans," which I don't usually think or speak of in such harsh terms, and then I said, "This just sucks, honey, I just wish I was born female, because I know I wouldn't..." He said loudly, "Stop it, Mira. You're all woman to me, I never even think of you any other way!" And he sounded disappointed in me, and I almost started crying, because we get along so well I know there'd be no issue at all if I was cis female. And I wanted to say 'if I'm all woman to you, sweetie, then why are you ashamed of your kids meeting me?' But I didn't, because we had a really terrible blow out that almost broke us up because I refused to be off in the shadows anymore. When we got back together, or back on track, he ended up telling me that I'm the only transwoman he's ever been with and he's hardly even used to it yet. And that he never expected to fall in love again with anyone, let alone me. I've been at a loss what to think till I read these two quotes tonight and each made perfect sense to me I think that's exactly what he's afraid of. Not what they're going to think of me, but him. And I'm going to tell him that tomorrow. Thank you, Sibila and Dahlia and God bless you both. Mira
Do you have children, Mira? Because this sounds that this is much more about how your man feels about his kids, rather than how he feels about you.
My grown-up children are having a VERY hard time dealing with the thought of me transitioning - and I can't blame them because they're losing the father they love and can't yet imagine having a relationship with the woman 'he' (as they see me) will eventually become. So I'm incredibly sensitive to their feelings and their needs.
Now I would love, years from now, to have a man in my life. But I know that would be incredibly tough for my kids to deal with. And that's not because they're bigoted, or transphobic, it's because it IS incredibly tough to think of your Dad becoming someone's girlfriend. It just scrambles any son or daughter's whole sense of who their parents are, what their family is and what that means about them, too.
That being the case, I can imagine being very, very cautious about introducing a male partner to my kids. it would lead a lot of careful work over a long time, preparing the ground, getting them used to the idea and generally helping them come to terms with what has happened in my life, and letting them know that none of this could ever affect the love I have for them.
Likewise, if my imaginary (for now!
) partner had kids of his own, I can understand that he might have to go through a similar process with them, because they'd find it very odd that their father was dating, as people say, 'a woman who used to be a man.'
Now, I know that YOU don't see it that way. Like all of us, you see your female self as your true self, and the male persona as the fake one. But we have to be realistic and accept that, even for people who are not prejudiced or mean, that's a very difficult idea to understand.
So if your man is trying to find a way to show his love for you, and deal with children who find it very hard to accept, then I think that's understandable. He's torn between two very different, but very powerful forms of love. I know it's terribly hard for you. Please don't think I'm at all unsympathetic to your position.
But one thing I would say is: please don't push him to the point where he has to choose between you and his children. That's an awful choice for any parent to have to make ... and in the end, the kind of decent, caring, dutiful man you'd want to love would always put his children first. Plus, I'm sure you're not the kind of woman who'd want to separate a father from his children, even if he did pick you.
It sounds to me like you've really found a keeper. So if you want to keep him, give him time. I'm sure he'll find a way to bring his children round. It could take a while. But it will all be worth it in the end.
