Hi everyone

Its with a heavy heart that I have decided that once again transitioning is not the answer for me.
I have been on HRT for just over 2 years and have had FFS.  I have been living as female for 1 year.

The past 2 years have been the most difficult and challenging of my life and I am not happy.  I have been fighting with this feeling for the past month or so but cannot shake it off no matter how hard I try.  Im tired of the stress and constant insecurity and I am not sure I can take it any more.  Thankfully I have not had SRS yet.

I have been weighing up the pros and cons and have come up with the following

Against continued transition: -
I wake most mornings with a heavy heart and feel overwhelmed with loneliness. I am a creature that loves to be in love and be loved.  I am a home maker and a companion.  The past 2 years have broken my heart as I have lost my partner due to transition and gone it alone.  Somedays its anguish and I cry often. Since transitioning I have been let down, lied to and led on by men.  I give to freely and often leave with nothing. The future feels bleak on the relationship front.  At the moment I am a "fetish" and a "fantasy" for TV/TS chasing men.  Relationships with them are often shallow and not honest, and all I ever get attention from is married men.  Even post op I will always be transsexual and will always have to confront that issue.  I am attracted to alfa males who I know do not generally cope well with this kind of thing.   For a man to love and accept me they will need to introduce me to the family, children, friends etc etc.  It will be hard and I will always be reminded of my trans satus.  I am 38 and TS, the odds are stacked against me.  I know many TS girls find love but I also know many do not.  Of course there is no guarantee I will find love as a gay male again, but the Testosterone numbs the pain to some degree and being single as a guy isn't quite as tough for me.

I am fed up with the pain and cost of laser and electrolysis.
I am fed up being super self conscious and insecure about my appearance
I have always found controlling my voice very difficult and often get gendered as male on the phone.  I use the phone all the time in my work, and I have a very public facing role.
I look pretty but I look transgendered.  Photos and videos of me portray a very female me but in the cold light of day I do look TS but not male.  I pass as female but often with a second glance or prolonged look. 
I am still not a peace with being transgender.  I don't want to be, I don't like it.  I don't want to be male either though.  What I truly want I will never get and that is to be genetically female.

It takes me 2 hours to get ready each day just to feel confident to go out the door.
I am not and can never be the kind of woman (physically) I would want to be.  I know many CIS gendered woman are not either but they are women.  Women who have periods, had a female puberty, have children and families, have husbands, boyfriends and have an endocrine system that supports that womanhood

Against detransitioning: -
Having to face failure and undoubtedly family and friends worrying about my mental health as this will be the second time I have detransitioned.
Money and time changing back all documents with associated embarrassment
I will need surgery to remove breast tissue as I am a full B cup
Loss of female identity.  I revel in being Madam and she.  Its validating and feels great
Facing the waste of thousands of pounds spent over time on all treatments and surgeries.  Not to mention the clothes.  I love my clothes and I love shopping.
I love being one of the girls.
Giving up on my dream of being a fun and vivacious woman
I have spent so much time and effort building a new life for myself as a woman and I have done things I never thought possible.
I love my femininity, it comes natural to me.
There is no guarantee that I will return to my former self. I know I wont, but I also know my body and it will spring back in time. Even then I will lack some masculinity but I know I will look ok.  I was very masculine and handsome before.  The FFS will give me a prettiness that in time will compliment the increased masculinity (or so I hope)

For detransition: -
Basically the opposite of against.
I will not worry about passing anymore (but initially for the first few months I will be very andorogynes)
I wont have to worry about my voice or my walk
I will feel more confident when going out.
I will return to the gay scene.  Its ok and im used to it.
A much as I hate to admit it, it is a mans world.  Being a man in a mans world is easier than being a woman.
I have never had an aversion to my genitals and I am comfortable with them
No more tucking
No more laser or electrolysis etc etc
I will be a son again.  I love my family so much and they have been amazingly supportive but I know they miss Jamie.  I miss Jamie too......

So there you have it.  It has been really hard writing this.  I have cried and feel empty.  One thing I must do is not discredit in anyway the fierce need to transition for the majority of trans women.  It is the only way out.  The only way to freedom and inner peace.  It takes untold courage and guts to do this.  For me, I feel that I cannot move forward anymore.  I never hated being a man, I was used to it.  I was successful and formed solid long lasting relationships.  I can do it.  I can do being a man.  I could do being a woman.  What I am struggling to do is be a transgendered woman.

I hope I haven't upset anyone.  I don't mean to.  This is just my feelings right here right now.
Thanks for letting me share this with you.

xxxx J 

I wish you peace in life.  Hugs

Big hugs and nothing but support. No need for explanations, apologies or worries. You do what makes you happy and keeps you well ♥

QuoteOne question, is it wise to stop HRT "cold turkey"?  I don't know one way or the other, but the times it's crossed my mind to quit HRT, I've wondered if there might be a medical reason to take some intermediate steps.

I would think medical advisement is always warranted when changing medications. Stopping Spiro suddenly could possibly lead to onset of rebound hypertension, possibly electrolyte abnormalities? Best to taper slowly for sure I would imagine.

Thank you ladies. I appreciate your replies very much..
I have been thinking if nothing else recently.
I am going to make an appointment with my gender specialist ASAP.
I have been on E patches and 3 monthly depot injections of GnRH analogue as my T blocker. That is due to run out mid Nov. Strangely though I have been getting morning wood again with erotic dreams?? Don't know why that would be??

*hugs*

Best wishes, may life become better for you.

Just as when therapy is advised when transitioning, it's advisable now. Not to convince you to do this (or to not), but rather to give you a resource to help smooth out the emotional bumps that may occur.

Again, best wishes.

Why not spend some time in the androgynous mode?   I get along just fine as a man with a greatly feminized body.  You don't need to give up your breasts or take testosterone to let things slide a bit toward the masculine.

I think you could butch it up a bit, but not undertake drastic body changes.   I've found a middle ground where I can feel comfortable.  I DO need boobs, a shapely butt, soft skin and a hairless body to feel comfortable.  I am also OK with being a man with boobs, a shapely butt, soft skin and a hairless body.

In my case, it's not about how others perceive me, but how it feels to be in my body and what I see when I get out of the shower.

I am attracted to women, and in that respect we are different.  I have no idea what it would take to attract men, but think at least some would be attracted to a feminized man.

I have also discovered that when my estrogen levels are high, my dysphoria is greatly decreased, and I wonder why I ever thought I needed to be female.  If the testosterone levels increase the dysphoria comes back with a vengeance.

Anne Vitale has observed and written on this effect.  It has caused several of her patients to oscillate between male and female.   I recommend reading this:

http://www.avitale.com/TNote15Testosterone.htm

Best wishes,
Randi 

Apart from the part about FFS you could have been writing about me twenty years ago. I seriously get your pain and totally understand what you're feeling and going through.

Since I've been on this forum I've realised one if the things that I needed but didn't get/seek way back when things wee so dark was the right kind of support - I had supportive friends but I was totally depressed and really needed professional emotional support (easier said than found, I know). Whatever you decide to do, please find the right person to explore it with - I was wracked with shame and guilt and denial about it for ages afterwards and, in terms of relationships, if people (especially hetro women) ever found out about my trans past they would treat me differently... getting the help to deal with all that is so important.

Also, I went cold turkey off the HRT, a totally unrecommended decision! (Lactation, mood swings, digestive problems, etc).

Strength and love to you sweetie!

Joanna, I have read this post again and again over the last thirty minutes. Your openness, your bravery, your thoroughness - all are so stunning I do not know what to offer here. I sit at my kitchen table, wrought with heartache for you - with heartache for the many like you, a number I suspect to some extent (though I have never admitted as much) includes myself.

Though I know it cannot remove the pain you are feeling, I want to share with you how beautiful you are to me. I am not looking at your photograph as I type this (I am also not not looking at your photograph!), but feeling again your words resonating about my chest. The person that comes through as I do this is stunning, gorgeous, remarkable, inspiring.

Many, many thanks for sharing your decision with us here today. Thanks, too, for including so much of the journey you have gone through to reach this place. I suspect you are going to linger with me in the hours that follow this writing and for this I am glad. For this I am very glad.

With a warm and loving heart,

Tanya

You need to do what's best for you. I can tell, from your post, just how hard all of this has been for you. I realize going back to living as male is far from your ideal, but if it gives you some peace, some comfort, and some finality, it may be the best thing. No one can decide that but you.

Wow I am deeply touched by everyone's replies on here. I really am moved. Thank you very much. I'm writing this on my iPhone from bed as I thought I would check in just before heading off to sleep. I got about an hour last night as I couldn't relax.

What you will be glad to know is that I have had all day to think long and hard about what is right for me and where to go from here. Something dawned on me that brought it all home. Although I haven't had much luck with men since transitioning, the times that have been good have actually been out of this world amazing for me. The reason for this? I held hands with a man in the street, he has kissed me in the grocery store, cuddled me at the bar while having a drink and done all if this to me the way a man treats a woman. It's the most amazing soul satisfying thing ever. I don't know how I feel about that never happening to me again. It's heartbreaking.

So I have slapped on another couple of patches and decided to take it one step at a time. No promises no expectation, just each day as it comes.

And if course you lot are fabulous and supportive. I will do a vid soon.
Thanks again
Xx Jo

With as much as you have invested in it, financially and most importantly, turning your life upside for it, give it more time. There are just as many, if not more, adjustments for you to make as there are for those people who may be in your life. It can take a while to get used to and sadly, loneliness can often be a part of it.

Good luck with whatever you ultimately do, just make sure its what is going to make you happiest in the long run, not the short term.

Sometimes all it takes to revive one's courage and resolve, is sensing even a glimmer of hope.

Welcome back, ye who never left! *hugs*

Do what brings you peace. After you've made your decision, and cannot smile about it, then you have made the wrong decision.

I've never been good at knowing my place in life, or staying there, but I hear your pain and I can't be silent...

You are much loved here, in these forums, I can tell.  I can imagine you must be lonely...

I was fearful of that, beginning my transition.  I worried that the reasons I wanted to transition were the wrong ones.  Was it just because I was never happy with myself, and changing my gender would just be a lot of heartache for no real purpose, only to leave me unhappy at the end?  Your post echoes my worst fear; that I will awaken at some point and discover I just can't be happy in any body, any gender.

That was when I took stock, evaluating the happiness in my life.  Yes, there have been times I have been happy in my male body.  I have been successful in my male body, to an extent.  So obviously I can be happy.  Then I thought to myself, well, that's me being happy as a man, right?

No, came the answer from deep inside me.  I was happy as a person.  My gender had nothing to do with it.  And I can be happy the same way, independent of my gender... but...

...I couldn't stand seeing myself in the wrong body anymore, and I just couldn't see myself growing into an old man.  I would look toward the future and I would see... nothing.  Now that I had come out to myself, I realized I have never been happy with my body, my role, how the world sees me and reacts to me.  And I realized that I would be happier even if I somehow turned out to be the most un-passable woman on the planet, incapable of finding someone to love me.  Even if I lost my family and my job, I would at least be authentic to myself.

I hope I've chosen wisely; I tend to face my fears head on rather than avoid them. 

But I wonder... does everyone go through this?  Do you?  Was this just a deep, deep low, a need for rest? 

At any rate, it seems to me you've come a long, long way.  Full time experience, two years of hormones, all that electrolysis and laser.  You must have had amazing drive and perseverance.  At some point, I could imagine, you desperately wanted to be where you are now.

So please, even though you don't know me and these are the words of a random stranger, a comparative newbie to transitioning, listen to what little guidance I feel I'm qualified to give in my near-forty years of painful experience.  Don't de-transition because you are lonely and you want to settle for someone who doesn't love *all* of you.  Life is too short, love is too precious to be squandered in half-measures.  If you de-transition, do it for *you*, because that is what *you* need to do.  As long as your decision is for you, and you alone, I'm certain that whatever you decide you'll be on your way to a better life.

Oh, and (while I'm passing out advice like I know something ) it might be wise to talk to a therapist (not a gender therapist, a more general one) on ways to work on being happy in yourself.  That way, whichever way you decide, you will be ahead of the game.  The best relationships have come into my life when I was content with myself, the worst when I was desperately lonely.

*hug*

*hug*

Quote from: Joanna on October 28, 2013, 07:59:45 AM

I have been weighing up the pros and cons and have come up with the following

Against continued transition: -
I wake most mornings with a heavy heart and feel overwhelmed with loneliness. I am a creature that loves to be in love and be loved.  I am a home maker and a companion.  The past 2 years have broken my heart as I have lost my partner due to transition and gone it alone.  Somedays its anguish and I cry often. Since transitioning I have been let down, lied to and led on by men.  I give to freely and often leave with nothing. The future feels bleak on the relationship front.  At the moment I am a "fetish" and a "fantasy" for TV/TS chasing men.  Relationships with them are often shallow and not honest, and all I ever get attention from is married men.  Even post op I will always be transsexual and will always have to confront that issue.  I am attracted to alfa males who I know do not generally cope well with this kind of thing.   For a man to love and accept me they will need to introduce me to the family, children, friends etc etc.  It will be hard and I will always be reminded of my trans satus.  I am 38 and TS, the odds are stacked against me.  I know many TS girls find love but I also know many do not.  Of course there is no guarantee I will find love as a gay male again, but the Testosterone numbs the pain to some degree and being single as a guy isn't quite as tough for me.

I am fed up with the pain and cost of laser and electrolysis.
I am fed up being super self conscious and insecure about my appearance
I have always found controlling my voice very difficult and often get gendered as male on the phone.  I use the phone all the time in my work, and I have a very public facing role.
I look pretty but I look transgendered.  Photos and videos of me portray a very female me but in the cold light of day I do look TS but not male.  I pass as female but often with a second glance or prolonged look. 
I am still not a peace with being transgender.  I don't want to be, I don't like it.  I don't want to be male either though.  What I truly want I will never get and that is to be genetically female.

It takes me 2 hours to get ready each day just to feel confident to go out the door.
I am not and can never be the kind of woman (physically) I would want to be.  I know many CIS gendered woman are not either but they are women.  Women who have periods, had a female puberty, have children and families, have husbands, boyfriends and have an endocrine system that supports that womanhood

Against detransitioning: -
Having to face failure and undoubtedly family and friends worrying about my mental health as this will be the second time I have detransitioned.
Money and time changing back all documents with associated embarrassment
I will need surgery to remove breast tissue as I am a full B cup
Loss of female identity.  I revel in being Madam and she.  Its validating and feels great
Facing the waste of thousands of pounds spent over time on all treatments and surgeries.  Not to mention the clothes.  I love my clothes and I love shopping.
I love being one of the girls.
Giving up on my dream of being a fun and vivacious woman
I have spent so much time and effort building a new life for myself as a woman and I have done things I never thought possible.
I love my femininity, it comes natural to me.
There is no guarantee that I will return to my former self. I know I wont, but I also know my body and it will spring back in time. Even then I will lack some masculinity but I know I will look ok.  I was very masculine and handsome before.  The FFS will give me a prettiness that in time will compliment the increased masculinity (or so I hope)

You have written a very eloquent and thoughtful post!! You also have some very valid reasons too and not too detransistion. The part I have highlighted in blue are some of the same reasons I have avoided dating men, you have at least tried this is something I cannot even do! I have thought many of the same things you have, the one thing that keeps me going is that I am happier with who I am now compared to before. Its not that I am happy, quite the contrary!! your thoughts about not continuing transition are vey similar to mine and this is what depresses me very much. I just know my despair and loneliness is easier to deal with knowing I am least who I have always felt I was.

You did not mention anything about trying to find employment...this is something else that has really made my life hard. Even though I have been working almost 2 years as my new legal self, it is not a career job. I have been going back to college for a 3 years now and am trying to find career employment...I have sent out so many resumes and receive 0 replies, I have had 5-8 interviews in the last year and a half with not better results. This just adds to my complete and utter despair I feel most times, I also only have my children for friendship and support....but since they are turning into teens they have essentially abandoned me as well. Much has to do with their age...but I wonder at times!!

I also had a large deduction in income due to the fact I am no longer doing as much work in my main profession, mostly because it a mans profession and I was getting no work as a women. I have tried to continue doing it but do not have the strength, help, or correct gender now. I do still enjoy some aspects of it but am fine if I don't need to rely on it...hence the reason I have returned back to school. This brings me back full circle to trying to find jobs in my new career path and gender. I seem to be screwed here as well...my new career path is even predominantly female!! 

I would never tell anyone to transition or not too....this is something that needs to be between you and yourself. Not even a therapist can do this. I  really wanted someone to help me "not to " transition....I asked my third therapist why he doesn't help me to not transition I felt he wasn't doing enough to help with this.....he said, what good would it do ,you already know its what you need! I think if someone feels they need to detransition, it too will be know to one's self.

  I wake most mornings with a heavy heart and feel overwhelmed with loneliness. I am a creature that loves to be in love and be loved.  I am a home maker and a companion.  The past 2 years have broken my heart as I have lost my partner due to transition and gone it alone.  Somedays its anguish and I cry often. Since transitioning I have been let down, lied to and led on by men.  I give to freely and often leave with nothing. The future feels bleak on the relationship front.  At the moment I am a "fetish" and a "fantasy" for TV/TS chasing men.  Relationships with them are often shallow and not honest, and all I ever get attention from is married men.  Even post op I will always be transsexual and will always have to confront that issue.  I am attracted to alfa males who I know do not generally cope well with this kind of thing.   For a man to love and accept me they will need to introduce me to the family, children, friends etc etc.  It will be hard and I will always be reminded of my trans satus.  I am 38 and TS, the odds are stacked against me.  I know many TS girls find love but I also know many do not.  Of course there is no guarantee I will find love as a gay male again, but the Testosterone numbs the pain to some degree and being single as a guy isn't quite as tough for me.

Hi Joanna, gee baby my heart goes out to you dear. I de-transitioned for two years about 14 years into it and though I had lived a really he-man previous life I found that by the end of the second year off hormones I was miserable and turned back around. I didn't and never will have half of the potential that you have, but I certainly won't cast any stones at you for your decision, you do as your heart desires, but know that we will be here with open arms if you should decide to turn back and no-one will ever criticize you. There are many who will always be trans and never be fully accepted by the women's world, it's a life that we all accept as a lesser of two evils. My very best to you always! ~Shan~

You must do what you feel is right, of course.

Joanna, I thought I recognized your face from your avatar and after clicking on your YouTube link it all came back. You videos were the first ones I could really find of transitioning in ones thirties and to be honest they are still some of the very best no matter what age one is coming into this ordeal from.

Regardless of what you decide I just wanted you to know that you really have been an inspiration in my life through this whole process. Thank you. Without you and a handful of others I'd still be in pain and hiding my break downs from friends and family. I'm in a better place now. 

Good Luck. I hope to start transition once I hit college.

Joanna,

I'm not sure I can add anything to your deliberations, and I really don't want to sway your decision, but I do want to share my initial reaction to your post.

Many of your reasons seem derived from four underlying things:

1. Loneliness
2. Depression
3. Concern with how the world views/treats you
4. Logistics/cost of transition

These could certainly all be mixed up in the same soup, but it might be worth it to look at them individually and determine whether your transition status really has that much affect on them. For example, no matter what, you can't really control how the world views you, who finds you attractive, etc. You can only control your own reaction to these things.

Beyond that, loneliness and depression are serious, and likely separate problems. They may be exacerbated by transition, but transition may not be the root cause. And if your transition is not the root cause, de-transition will not provide the solution.

I think my point is only that changing your transition status one way or the other won't necessarily affect either your loneliness (something you admit in the post) or your depression. As a purely outside observer (having also viewed some of your videos), it seems unlikely that these things are really connected at all.

If you feel the need to de-transition, by all means do it. But just like transition itself, it isn't realistic to expect that a change in gender presentation will solve such significant underlying personal issues.

I was also struck particularly by this phrase:

Quote from: Joanna on October 28, 2013, 07:59:45 AMTestosterone numbs the pain to some degree

As we all know, numbing the pain does not solve the problem. Numbing is temporary, and hardly a treatment.

There is likely work out there in your future, regardless of your transition decision. It's my hope that you can find the right professional to help you work through these things and find the personal happiness you seek. In the end, only you can do that work, but it definitely can be done (which I know from personal experience).

My best wishes to you.

Lora