I love my therapist.  She really knows how to make me think things through.
Today we talked about why I care so much what others think... the pride thing... she was very helpful with this issue.
We talked about suicide.. which I have been having thoughts of.. I feel better.  Just need to be on guard when depression sets in.
We talked about my intense concern over what I will look like as a woman...again the pride thing. She said after FFS she might be envious.. because of my face.. made me laugh.  I think she was blowing smoke because she is a good looking chick.

The plan..
Start low dose HRT.
Get involved in a LBGT group...for support...
Over the next year get rid of the beard.
Sometime in about a year go ahead with FFS..and a face lift..  Will be flying to Boston for consult.
Get my business on track..built up stronger so I can idle during the awkward stage of transition. 
I am relaxed now for the first time... knowing the plan.
Meet with Endo next week to do blood work.
Thanks for all the support here on Susan's.. I know I ramble and have had fits so appreciate everything..
Carrie

One question that I don't get. You sound like your intending to transition. You said low dose HRT. Why? Why take a weak dosage when you can take what the doctor determines a dosage that would be appropriate for you to progress?

Just don't get that line of though.

Good point Katie,
I will be discussing the dose with the endo... I suppose she will of course know what is best..
I really would love to go all out but have some fears still that I am working through therapy. I want to go slow but have an effective dose..not sure what that will end up being..
Carrie