Warning ... some TL:DR coming up but it's just something I have to get out since it's been bothering me.

Yesterday someone I know posted a link to a blog written by a guy in our local area. I happened to click on it and within a few moments realized the guy was a self-inflated, egotistical, a**hole. I drifted over to check this guy's twitter and found it full of sexist "humor" (jokes about how inferior and emotional women are, basically). I had noticed the guy I knew already had gotten some feedback, one was from a woman who was offended by the blog writer. I added that while I wasn't offended, I thought he was a self-important ass and wouldn't want to associate with him. So the original guy comes back and the first thing he writes is that he finds it "fascinating" that only women (thinking I was one of course) had complained about the article and men thought it was a good article. Without blowing my "cover", I responded that I was just being observant. I mean, I can't be the only guy out there that can spot an ego-maniac, sexist, no? But apparently other guys don't even notice how this sort of thing could be offensive to some people?

So that brought up something that is a bit of a "hot button" for me. The blog writer is local, it's a smallish town and he's already in circles that I occasionally mingle with, so I could very well bump into this guy. And what bothers me about a guy like this is that if you happen to be a female (or in my case, perceived as one), then he automatically thinks he's superior, will "talk down" to you (or worse yet, talk over you), etc. Typically, in my field and in my business dealings, my gender doesn't come up. When it comes to talking business I'm confident and direct. But I have been on the "other side" where I'm dealing with a sexist jerk, and it's one of those few things that just plain old pisses me off. Granted, if I ever do see this guy, I would avoid him like the plague, unless of course someone else I know gets the bright idea that we should be introduced. In that case I'd have to deal with him, knowing what I already know about him.

Don't get me wrong, even if the rest of the world perceived and accepted me as male, this type of guy would still piss me off. But it also brings up all those feelings that no matter what I do, I'm going to be treated a certain way by certain people. It's one of my few remaining stumbling blocks and this silly little incident yesterday just reminded me of that.

The second thing that's been bothering me lately is my parents. I love my parents, but they will never understand, and there's no way I could ever make them understand. They're old, set in their ways, and even though they know more than anyone else about my backstory and my physical attributes, they will never stop treating me as their "daughter". Now that they live close by again, I've had to sort through a whole world of feelings that I hadn't had to deal with on a regular basis for 20 years. My mom is one of those people who likes clear distinctions between genders. We were out to eat not long ago and she made an offhand comment about a little boy in the restaurant that was dressed up in a suit and tie (probably had just been to church or something) and then she said, "little boys should be dressed like that, and little girls in dresses, none of that weird in between stuff". It kind of sucker punched me if I'm being honest. She knows better than anyone else that she in fact has one of those "weird in between stuff" kids, yet she said that. Whenever she can she makes comments about how men are this way and women are that way, blah blah blah. I really have to channel some zen to allow that stuff to slip on by me, but sometimes it just builds up or still catches me off guard. And my dad is only marginally better. He's much better on the appearances front, I'll give him that. He's never said I should be dressing more "like a women" or anything like that. He always stood up for me when my mom tried to force me to wear makup when I was a teen, etc. His comments are more like the type where he's unsure if he would offend me if he didn't sometimes go out of his way to use a female pronoun or something. I sometimes think that deep down inside my dad knows ... he knows he didn't have a daughter, but he's just trying to keep up appearances here and there. My mom I think has just been in straight up denial since literally day 1. And I think it's only because of my dad that I was allowed to have a childhood that fit my gender more or else my mom would have had me in nothing but dresses with only toys for girls.

So, even though I've come so far with things, it seems I still have a ways to go to be "okay" with everything.

Society's expectations suck, especially when those closest to you are part of that. Good for you to be able to hold yourself back during those situations, I know how heavily it must weigh inside of you. As for the sexism, I am sure not everyone agrees with this a**hole, but it would be pointless to speak up against it (his ego probably blinds him). Guys like that are just trying to compensate for their insecure masculinity (which they will deny to the end of time). Don't worry about it, even if someone introduces you two, it's not like you have to be friends. You just have been notified of his existence, that's all.

Anyway, hang in there. Don a thick coat and ride through the waves.

That blogger sounds like a sexist jerk. But I'd like to give you my 2p worth about what your mother might be thinking.

Do you remember how back in the 'good old days' it was widely believed that a child's gendered behaviour is learned, not innate? Boys were taught to shun girly things so they could grow up to be 'real men'; girls were taught that they had to be meek, submissive and conciliatory so that everyone would like them. The thinking at the time was that parents have to teach their kids how to be proper boys and girls, and if they fail to do so all sorts of perversions can occur. 

Your parents are most likely from that generation, and your mother seems to have bought into the prevailing wisdom of the time. She probably grew up in a time when it was widely believed that it was a parent's job to 'teach' a child how to be a boy or a girl - but more importantly, that it is a mother's responsibility to teach her daughter how to be a girl and later a woman. That could go some way towards explaining why she is much harder on you than your father is: she's frightened that she's failing you as a mother by not teaching you 'correctly' according to what she was raised to believe. That's why she keeps making these snide remarks about gendered behaviour and presentation.

How do you fix this? That's the $64,000 question. I could suggest bringing her up-to-speed with more current research showing that gender cannot be hammered into us, but the chances are she won't want to listen; she's probably too set in her ways to be open to new evidence. So the only thing you can do is to keep gently correcting her whenever she gets it wrong, and channel as much zen as you can. Oh, and call her out for doing what I've described above.

Quote from: insideontheoutside on November 03, 2013, 02:00:06 PM
So the original guy comes back and the first thing he writes is that he finds it "fascinating" that only women (thinking I was one of course) had complained about the article and men thought it was a good article. Without blowing my "cover", I responded that I was just being observant. I mean, I can't be the only guy out there that can spot an ego-maniac, sexist, no? But apparently other guys don't even notice how this sort of thing could be offensive to some people?

I think women are just more likely to speak up about this kind of stuff for a few reasons:

• it directly affects them (and people seen as female) and so they do notice it more
  
  
• it's kind of 'expected' for them to be offended and say something whereas a guy (who's taken as such) would seem to be taking more of a stand which doesn't make them too popular. probably makes some guys who would speak up hesitate worrying how they might be seen. basically it takes a pretty strong guy to speak up. and a lot of guys don't pay much attention to what other guys are saying anyway

But at least you said something. He may just enjoy antagonizing people online.
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Anyway, your post convinced me we should try out this board: https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/board,487.0.html

Thanks, beaver.

And FTMDiaries, you are probably right. My mom grew up in the 50s. What always kind of screws with me is how she kind of let me be up until like age 12 or so, then laid it on thick.

And FA, I'm going there now to check it out, thanks!

Quote from: insideontheoutside on November 05, 2013, 11:09:53 PM
My mom grew up in the 50s. What always kind of screws with me is how she kind of let me be up until like age 12 or so, then laid it on thick.

Mine too, and my experiences are similar; it was just the way their generation was raised. She let me have some leeway whilst I was little, but put major pressure on me when I started going through puberty. Sadly for me, that started when I was 6...

Quote from: FTMDiaries on November 06, 2013, 05:34:28 AM
Mine too, and my experiences are similar; it was just the way their generation was raised. She let me have some leeway whilst I was little, but put major pressure on me when I started going through puberty. Sadly for me, that started when I was 6...

6? Jeez. I can't even imagine. When I was 12 my mom had the family doctor give me these pills that to this day I can not get a straight answer out of anyone on but I highly suspect they were some form of estrogen. From just the "symptoms" alone (crying all the time, feeling horrible, etc.) and then also curious doctor visits for the couple years leading up to that my theory is that they saw I wasn't changing. It wasn't a "phase" I was in. I also don't have a completely standard issue "female" body. The internal parts have never fully functioned properly and I think this was their attempt to get them to function (I remember having some sort of ultrasound done when I was about 8 and then again at 11). So needless to say, I had a real fun puberty and yup, that's when everything changed in the way she dealt with me.