Quote from: Beth Andrea on November 05, 2013, 10:53:30 PM
Love your butterfly avatar, Night Haven.



And actually, NCOD was October 11...

Thank you~

Really? Dammit, I was right the first time, then. *Pout* Ah, at least now I don't have to rush to finish things.

i've been thinking the whole day why i cried last night. it was such a tiny incident (as always) and i was just crying nonstop. more i cried, more i felt lonely and outlawed, more i felt the need to move out and start my life anew, though what triggered the cry was never related to GD. at one point there was my outer self weeping sobbing and spilling tears while my inner self, the wise know-it-all guy was asking 'what's this nonsense? why are you crying? stop being a fool and gather yourself together and do some school work' but the outer self wouldn't listen. it just wanted to cry on and on recalling all kinds of unhappy memories. when it finally ended i was so drained and i really needed some music. i turned on the radio and fell asleep with the earphones on. arrgh! i even went through the old childish thoughts like 'i'm not their child' or 'i should kill my brother'(it was him who triggered me) and 'no it's better to kill myself. oh! then all my friends will cry! no i shouldn't die' etc. it felt so stupid!

Sometimes you need to do things to avoid the triggers of your depression. Moving out isn't necessarily a bad thing. Is it possible? Do you have friends or relaties who you could room with for a while?

Quote from: LordKAT on November 06, 2013, 03:07:41 PM
Sometimes you need to do things to avoid the triggers of your depression. Moving out isn't necessarily a bad thing. Is it possible? Do you have friends or relaties who you could room with for a while?

well music helps a lot as i said, plus daydreaming about transition. i have a generally peaceful mind and ignore little disturbances most of the time, but once in a while something gets through and ruins it all.
thanks for the concern but i can't move out yet, not until i finish school and have my own income, and that's gonna take about an year more. i'll just have to hold on until then, if i could hold it for 18yrs, why not one more year?

I'm watching Cocktail.  It makes me realize just how old I am...

Damnit hair, just one more year and you'll be at a happier length to my shoulders.

I'm a slug. I should end up in an institution of sorts. I'd be much better off.

Sounds good in theory, My prob is, I can't care for myself much less anyone else.

Sorry, me. I shouldn't have shaved your head and forced you to be a boy (again.)

Our conscience wanted to talk to you. She was upset.

I know you don't like being a boy, she said. But girls wear dresses and you don't like wearing dresses. So maybe you're not really a girl.
I know you don't like being a boy, she said. But girls like boys and you don't like boys. So maybe you're not really a girl.
I know you don't like being a boy, she said. But girls play with dolls and you never played with dolls. So maybe you're not really a girl.
I know you don't like being a boy, she said. But girls like wearing makeup and you... oh, you do like wearing makeup? Well maybe you're just gay.
I know you don't like being a boy, she said. But girls do play with dolls and... oh, you asked for dolls but you never got one?
I know you don't like being a boy, she said. But girls like boys! What? Not all girls like boys? What is this heresy?
I know you don't like being a boy, she said. But girls definitely wear dresses! That's what make girls girls! Right? No?
I know you don't like being a boy, she said. But what makes you think you're a girl?

Girls are this and you're that.
Girls are cute and you're gross.
Girls are sweet and you're sour.
Girls are soft and you're bumpy.
Girls are perfect. And you are gross and sour and bumpy. And that!
What makes you think you're a girl?

Sorry, me. I shouldn't have let you wish you could be a girl again.

*bbzzzzz*

Quote from: Joules on November 06, 2013, 11:06:45 PM

Quote from: LordKAT on November 06, 2013, 09:42:42 PM
Sounds good in theory, My prob is, I can't care for myself much less anyone else.

LordKAT, you're breaking my heart.  Pull yourself together, you can do it!  Hugs.

LordKAT was replying a post I'd made, which I deleted shortly after. I don't wish to harm others...and like LordKAT, I'm "more alone than I have ever been."

Loneliness is literally a killer.

Quote from: Jillian on November 06, 2013, 11:44:19 PM
Sorry, me. I shouldn't have shaved your head and forced you to be a boy (again.)

Our conscience wanted to talk to you. She was upset.

I know you don't like being a boy, she said. But girls wear dresses and you don't like wearing dresses. So maybe you're not really a girl.
I know you don't like being a boy, she said. But girls like boys and you don't like boys. So maybe you're not really a girl.
I know you don't like being a boy, she said. But girls play with dolls and you never played with dolls. So maybe you're not really a girl.
I know you don't like being a boy, she said. But girls like wearing makeup and you... oh, you do like wearing makeup? Well maybe you're just gay.
I know you don't like being a boy, she said. But girls do play with dolls and... oh, you asked for dolls but you never got one?
I know you don't like being a boy, she said. But girls like boys! What? Not all girls like boys? What is this heresy?
I know you don't like being a boy, she said. But girls definitely wear dresses! That's what make girls girls! Right? No?
I know you don't like being a boy, she said. But what makes you think you're a girl?

Girls are this and you're that.
Girls are cute and you're gross.
Girls are sweet and you're sour.
Girls are soft and you're bumpy.
Girls are perfect. And you are gross and sour and bumpy. And that!
What makes you think you're a girl?

Sorry, me. I shouldn't have let you wish you could be a girl again.

*bbzzzzz*

OMG, I'm so sorry... *hugs*

Dear cis people: I see you pulling your children closer when I walk by. Hey, I get it. You don't want this dirty ->-bleeped-<- infecting your children, right? Or you think I'm going to jump over and eat them? It's not like I could possibly just be there to do some shopping or anything, I must be there looking to corrupt your precious family values.

My brother is such an unappreciative douchebag and the way he talks back to my mother pisses me off.   I know he has autism but it isn't that bad to where you can't understand how to respect your parents.  He knows right from wrong.  He's been living for almost 30 years so he should know when our mother gets ready for work.  The douchebag decides to take a bath right at the same time she needs to get ready and when my mother tells him she has to go in there he tells her "You should have gotten in there earlier when you had all this time."  I would have slapped him.  I could tell my mom was getting frustrated and told him sternly that she sets her clock on a schedule each morning and that he has all day and his response was a surprised "what??" then he starts mumbling to himself "you could have gotten in earlier" or something like that so he went in his room and watches Power Rangers until she got out.  I don't know what pisses me off more: the way he talks to our mom or how my mom just takes it and doesn't get as stern as she SHOULD get with him.  She holds me to a stricter standard and I hate that.  He can take the bus to his home and doctor and to wherever else he needs to go (or if it's out of the bus route she will take him), yet she is cramming it down my throat that I need to get my drivers licenses and drive (though to be fair, she does take me places where I need to go but still). The guy dropped out of college (and don't get me wrong, I don't think everyone needs college to be successful) and has no plans for his life as far as I can see, yet I went to the same college and got my degree with the plan to move up north at least....one day....and I can't get a moped? How hypocritical!  Many times I feel that she (and my father) favors him over me and it isn't going to get any better for me when I announce my transition plans.....if I can ever afford them since both parties are telling me to worry a job later and focus on my driver's license first, and who knows how long that will take considering I'm a slow learner. They will probably favor him even more then.  When I tell my sister my feelings, she says it's because my mom doesn't want to get into an argument with my brother and she says that typically the male children get away with more and that the "females" are held to a stricter standard and I feel there is some truth to that.  But I'm not female!  Arrrrgh!  My brother can just kick and scream and get his way (or at the very most, get a verbal slap on the wrist. Even though I have no respect for my brother at all, I envy him because he has the biological male body that I desire.  I would GLADLY trade places with him in a heartbeat even though he's like 350 pounds and autistic.  Honestly, I do think I that I may have slight autism myself, but it went so far under the radar that my parents didn't get me tested for it.

Malachite, I think you would be much happier if you were out on your own. There comes a time when you need to build your own life. Hugs, Devlyn

Quote from: Devlyn Marie on November 07, 2013, 08:02:54 AM
Malachite, I think you would be much happier if you were out on your own. There comes a time when you need to build your own life. Hugs, Devlyn

I would agree.  I just wish it were that easy at this time.

Quote from: LordKAT on November 06, 2013, 09:14:00 PM
I'm a slug. I should end up in an institution of sorts. I'd be much better off.

You and I know you are stronger than that!

Quote from: Kristal on November 07, 2013, 06:24:44 AM
Dear cis people: I see you pulling your children closer when I walk by. Hey, I get it. You don't want this dirty ->-bleeped-<- infecting your children, right? Or you think I'm going to jump over and eat them? It's not like I could possibly just be there to do some shopping or anything, I must be there looking to corrupt your precious family values.

My brother's neighbours stopped talking to him and doing favours for him when they saw he had a male friend living with him. It's really silly.

Chainsaws and jackhammers are what I love to wake up to at 6:45AM.  Especially after going to bed late.  These idiots make the barking dogs next door sound welcome.

So glad I moved to a quiet neighborhood!

Video Games

Got to pack, no got to play runescape and get off susan's, no got to pack,.......