O_O!!! I came out to my mom and brother!!
Holy monkeys, I can't believe I actually did it. I was freaking out all day. The two people I wanted to come out to first were too busy with work, so I just ended up coming out to the two people I live with, my mom and brother. I hadn't planned on coming out to them first, but I had to come out to somebody. And it went well!! I kinda knew how they'd take it, not horribly, but my family... well, they're pretty nutty. Probably where I get it from. XP
Anyway, its a funny story. Kind of long, but I thought I'd share it for anyone who needs an uplifting coming out story. Maybe it'll help someone as freaked out as I was struggling to come out to that first person/people. A warning though. My family can be very eccentric. XP
When I first came up to my mom, she was in the middle of arguing with my sister over text. I sat there probably for like an hour waiting for her to get done, having an anxiety attack the whole time. XP My heart was pounding and I was shaking and I felt like I could hardly breathe. But, I wasn't about to back down, so I stayed put. By the time she was finished texting, I felt like I was gonna throw up. She finally looked up at me and said, "Well, hi!"
I looked at her and said, "Mom, I know you're busy dealing with one of your crazy children, can you deal with two?" She kind of laughed and said, "What is it?" I just looked at her and said, "I donno how to say this, but..." And I couldn't. I couldn't get the words to come out. I just sat there scratching my head, tongue tied and feeling lost.
So, what does my mom do? She precedes to try to guess what the problem is. "Well, what happened?" She asks. "Does your ex want to get back together with you?"
"Er... no..."
"Do you got a new boyfriend?"
"No."
"Hmm... your other ex...?"
"No."
She ponders for a moment, staring off at the wall in confusion. I still can't bring myself to say it. She starts to look worried. "Are you moving out?"
"No." I shook my head.
She ponders again. "You're not pregnant, are you?"
"What? No."
Ponders again, looks suddenly shocked.
"Are you a lesbian?!"
I kinda rolled my eyes. "Well, I am bi. I told you that when I was like 14 and you thought I was full of crap."
She gave me a weird look and was like, "Really?"
I shook my head. "Yeah, but that's not what this is about." I said.
"Well, then what?" She asked.
I still couldn't bring myself to say it.
I leaned over and hugged her and she of course got really worried and started going, "Oh my god! What's wrong?! What's the matter?!"
I sat back and I said. "I don't think I'm a woman."
"You don't think you're a woman??" She repeated.
"I've never felt like a woman."
"You...? You've never felt like a woman? You're a man?"
"Yeah."
"You want a sex change?"
"Possibly..."
She laughed at me, (I knew she would XP) but then said something I wasn't quite expecting: "Is that all???" She wasn't even being sarcastic. She hugged me and told me it was okay and that I'll always be her baby no matter what.
Although, when we got to talking about it, it got kind of annoying because it seemed like she was trying to talk me out of it, or come up with excuses for it. She started by saying, "Well, honey, I think it's just your hormones." And "I think you need to get out more, you stay in too much." But I stood my ground and calmly explained to her that it's not just a phase or a passing things, that I have always felt this way and I have spend most of my life repressing it. I reminded her of how young I was when I started refusing dresses and dolls. How I always wanted to play with my brother and his friend etc. Then she moved on to telling me, "Well, it's just the Texan in you coming out. All the women in our family got a man side." To which I replied. "But I don't feel like a woman with a man side. I feel like a man with a woman side."
Then she asked me, "Well, do you like women? Are you a lesbian?" I reminded her that I'm bi. She replied, "Well, if you're not a lesbian, then you can't be a man."
Then I had to explain to her that sexual identity has nothing to do with sexual orientation.
I started to tell her about all the reasons I felt this way and explaining to her what GID and dysphoria were, and the science behind it, the physical differences in the brain etc. I think that's when she started to realize I was being totally serious. I started to tell her about my dysphoria about my chest and my difficulties with sex (but that's another thread) and all the things that lead up to me realizing I was trans. I told her about the research I'd been doing and about this wonderful forum I found with the most amazing people and how much they've helped me.
When I was done, I just sat there with her staring at me, feeling naked as a shaved sheep, and she finally said. "Well, honey. We'll get you into therapy and they'll help you straighten all this out. Just don't jump to any conclusions."
I told her it would make me SO happy to see a therapist. I have wanted to for a long time. I hadn't expected her to offer to help me get into therapy. So that made me happy.
But finally, I asked her the big question. "Mom, if I do go through therapy, and this turns out its not just something hormonal or whatever, and I really do decide to become a man, how would you feel about that?" She laughed and hugged me and said. "I'll always love you. Even if you were green with purpose pokadots, I'd still love you. Whether you decide you want to be a man or a woman or something in between, as long as you're happy."
...Phew!
After the conversation, we sat down and played cards and watched Tremors for awhile, until my brother comes upstairs, and I just come out and tell him I'm going to be going to therapy for GID. I think he thought I was joking at first. But I looked at him dead pan and told him I was serious. He just looked at me like, "Ohh, oookay!" and shrugged it off and started talking about something that had annoyed him earlier in the day. (lol) But the next thing I knew, my mom and brother were talking about bottom surgery and my mom mentioned how testosterone effects that part down there, and my brother started talking about how they harvest skin from other parts of the body to create a penis and all that stuff and I just sat there like... WHAT is going on?? I was SHOCKED. I looked at them both and said, "HOW do you two know all this?!"
It was weird though because it was just like... a normal conversation. We would veer off subject once in a while and then come back to it. They asked me a couple questions. But it wasn't like the super heavy discussion I was expecting. It was just like, "Oh, so you want to be a man? Cool. What's for dinner?" lol! XP It was kind of surreal, actually.
So yeah, it went amazingly well! And I feel so much better! Like, even more weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It was kind of a weird feeling. I was actually kind of melancholy right afterwards. I donno why, maybe I was just tired and emotionally drained. (this was at like 3 in the morning we had this conversation) But this morning I woke up and the most amazing thing happened... I donno how to explain it except that, I got up this morning and woke up as Kai. The other person I used to be is slowly fading into the background as the real me emerges. And it feels so good. I look in the mirror and I can see myself, not the "girl" I always felt like I had to be. I open my mouth and hear myself speak. Even though I'm not on T so it's not like my voice is any lower, but I don't know... I just sound more like me. I can't explain it.
I feel so grateful to have found this wonderful family. I would have never had the strength to do this without all the encouragement and support I've received these past couple weeks. I am so glad I did it. I felt frozen with fear for an entire day before I was able to say anything to anybody. But it can be done! It was quite a hurtle... I don't feel like anything can stop me now!! XP But really, I can't tell you how... peaceful I feel now. It's an incredible feeling.
So, thank you all for being so amazing!
Next will be my friends and the rest of my family >.< Oh, boy...!
