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Need Serious Help With Hostile, Crazy, Overly-Religious Family

Started by Contravene, June 30, 2013, 04:13:36 AM

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ChelseaAnn

Good to hear about your girlfriend. Sadly, your being over eighteen makes any abuse turn into assault. You have a right to be safe, as I believe I stated in my last post. If you are struck, don't wait for them to get another chance. It's not worth risking your life.
I'm nervous about going to Thanksgiving with my in-laws, but my wife and I are keeping as much packed as we can so we can leave if things get bad. Just keep your safety in mind.
it would suck if you're unable to transition due to finances, but you won't be able to at all if you're killed. And don't forget how quickly abuse can escalate.

Btw, you didn't mention whereabouts your girlfriend lived in Pennsylvania. Is she near Reading?
http://chelseatransition.blogspot.com/

MTF, transitioning in 2015
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Contravene

I definitely won't allow them another chance to hurt me. It's mostly my dad who gets aggressive but I've learned how to recognize when he's only threatening me and when he actually intends to harm me.

I'm very scared that I might not be able to afford to transition one day because of the debt my parents put me in. I was so hopeful but when I found out about the loans I kind of crashed and became very nearly suicidal because I may end up living with my parents for a few more years to pay them off and even then I'm not sure if I'll be able to because they're so much. I'm sure I'll be able to figure things out though, I'm not completely without options or at least I like to think that I'm not.

My girlfriend lives on the east coast so she's a lot closer to Reading than I am. I also have friends from school who live about 2 hours from there so that isn't too far. I'll definitely let you know if I'm ever in the area. Normally I would spend time with my friends and girlfriend for the holidays but work and my parents have me on a tight leash.

I really hope your Thanksgiving goes well. The holidays seem to be a stressful time for a lot of people so you aren't alone.
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Silvermist

Quote from: Contravene on November 12, 2013, 06:45:51 PM
Silvermist,

I have a recorder on my phone so I've used that to record both the good and bad things they say. I actually have quite a few recordings of them already, some of them are very incriminating. It's a good idea to get a second recorder as back up though. I've tried talking to them about their religious justifications but their beliefs are completely unfounded. They personally are transphobic and homophobic so they try to use religion as an excuse to keep acting on their phobias. In their minds being transgender or gay is sexual deviancy which is why they're so against it, it really has nothing to do with their religious beliefs as I've found out. Thank you for posting the article and the video, they're really informative and it makes me feel better about how I would be viewed from a sensible Christian's stand point.
How can you be so sure that your parents' belief (that homosexuality and ->-bleeped-<- are forms of sexual deviancy) really is not religiously motivated? Human natures makes people fear what they don't understand, but when they subscribe to a non-rational belief system such as a religion, their non-rational fears become amplified and justified. And that's precisely why their minds are so resistant to change. By definition, a rational worldview is open to questioning, logic, and evidence. If we examine the term "sexual deviancy" more closely, we will find that it is rather empty of meaning. Where does one draw the line between what is "deviant" sexual behavior and what is not? Under the strictest definition, any kind of sex other than male-on-top vaginal intercourse solely for purpose of procreation would be considered "deviant." Thus, disapproval of non-procreative, non-vaginal, non-male-on-top sex is ultimately arbitrary.

So what does it have to do with morality or "sin"? The Bible itself does not specify exactly what types of penetration or positions are prohibited. Valid arguments can be made about activities that result in semen landing in places other than the inside of a vagina. But because lesbian sex (assuming that it is between cisgender women, of course) does not involve penises and semen, a strong case could be made that lesbian sex wouldn't even qualify as "sex" under the Bible's criteria. A woman cannot "know" (in the biblical sense) a woman like a man can. The only degree to which concerns about "sexual deviancy" are relevant to morality are situations in which the wellbeing of a participant is directly endangered, especially when the participant has not consented. In a rational worldview, the only kinds of sex that are "wrong" are those that are non-consensual because the immorality of any consensual acts can scarcely be defended on rational grounds.

Saying that lesbianism is wrong because it is "disgusting," "unnatural," and/or nontraditional is fallacious: see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Wisdom_of_repugnance and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appeal_to_nature and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Naturalistic_fallacy and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Appeal_to_tradition

Interracial marriage was thought be disgusting and was outlawed until just a few decades ago (though some people still find it repugnant). Nylon and computers are unnatural, but very few people have moral problems with those and other synthetic/artificial things. Modern democratic nations like America, France, and the U. K. were founded on rejections of the longstanding "traditional" regimes of monarchy, autocracy, and oligarchy.

Homophobia has been so deeply engrained that most of us have been guilty of it at some point, because we learned by cultural osmosis and hadn't questioned it. Many homosexuals still suffer from internalized homophobia. But every person who has come to accept it has done so because, on closer examination, the fears and prejudices have no rational basis. But sadly, those who cling onto bigotry are motivated by non-rational justifications, religion being one of the most potent and intractable. It's no surprise: Religiously-motivated homophobia isn't just a single belief that's ripe for repudiation; it's woven into the fabric of a person's most deeply-held philosophy, the lens through which she/he makes sense of, and interacts with, the world.

I believe that the hearts and minds of religious people can be changed, even without forcing them to let go of their religions. Religious people are not totally irrational or illogical. And more often than not, their beliefs are not informed by years of thorough scholarship of scripture. For most, their beliefs are formed from gut feelings combined with whatever church leaders say. When they read scripture, the readings are always selective. What might be constructive is to challenge them to reconcile the passages that they hold dear with the ones that they prefer to avoid.

I've already listed the only passage in the Bible that talks about lesbianism. Here's the one that talks about cross-dressing:

Quote from: Deuteronomy 22:5A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the Lord your God detests anyone who does this.

If you Google it, you'll find plenty of people who vehemently assert how "obvious" and "straightforward" that it is. God does not allow cross-dressing, plain and simple. But here are two more passages from the very same chapter of the very same book:

Quote from: Deuteronomy 22:23-24If a man happens to meet in a town a virgin pledged to be married and he sleeps with her, you shall take both of them to the gate of that town and stone them to death—the young woman because she was in a town and did not scream for help, and the man because he violated another man's wife. You must purge the evil from among you.
Quote from: Deuteronomy 22:28-29If a man happens to meet a virgin who is not pledged to be married and rapes her and they are discovered, he shall pay her father fifty shekels of silver. He must marry the young woman, for he has violated her. He can never divorce her as long as he lives.

That's right. God commands that rape victims be either given the death penalty or forced to marry their rapists, depending on the circumstances. Please note that the above quotes were taken from the New International Version, which is the bestselling English translation in the world (with half a billion copies sold), so it's not like I'm just paraphrasing the Bible to make my point.

As I said, almost everyone these days disregards most of the Old Testament laws like those found in Deuteronomy chapter 22. So if we take the anti-cross-dressing verse off the table and conclude that there is nothing explicitly prohibiting lesbian sex, then the only reason why people like your parents believe that lesbianism and ->-bleeped-<- are forms of sexual deviancy are because they were told so by their church leader(s) and/or because they jumped onto the old homophobia bandwagon without another thought. If you continue to make excuses for why your parents' minds can't be changed, then they never will change, at least not on their own. Don't you owe it to yourself to try to get through to them? At least by challenging them on scripture, you can make your case using their language.


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SunKat

Quote from: Contravene on November 12, 2013, 06:45:51 PM
...but I recently found out that my parents "got student loans for me" as they put it. I had no idea, when they promised to help me pay for school I thought they were paying out of pocket but the loans are in my name so I'm stuck with them unless I decide to make a case for fraud.

I have to say,  this sounds like another good reason to move out.  Taking out loans in your name without your knowledge, even if they were to pay for your schooling, is not good.  You do have some options for talking to the lenders about deferment or forbearance of the loans until you get on your feet...  But if I were you I would be checking whether the balance you owe matches the amount of financial support you received for education.  If it doesn't then you should seriously consider talking to a lawyer about your options.

I'm sure you love your parents... but you've been talking about emotional abuse, mental abuse, manipulation... and now you're talking about possible criminal fraud?!  Don't spend another 2 years with these people.  If you can manage it, don't spend another 2 minutes.   
I know moving out on your own is uncertain and scary, but is it any more scary than the certainty of what your life will be like if you spend another 2 years with these people?  At this point, even bankruptcy sounds like a better option. 
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Xhianil

Quote from: SunKat on November 13, 2013, 12:50:12 AM
I know moving out on your own is uncertain and scary, but is it any more scary than the certainty of what your life will be like if you spend another 2 years with these people?  At this point, even bankruptcy sounds like a better option.

I  don't mean to gang up on you, but i agree with sun 100%.
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Contravene

Silvermist,

I should actually clarify that I believe my mother's transphobia is partially motivated by religion but not entirely and I don't believe my father's transphobia is religiously motivated at all. My parents' thought processes are very hard to figure out so I'll try to explain why I believe this.

My mother defines deviant sex not only as being any sex that isn't between a man and a woman but also as any sex that's used to harm. (I think that's similar to how you mentioned deviant sex being related to morality.) She also doesn't understand that gender identity and sexuality are two different things. She once told me that "being transgender is only a step above being a pedophile". So in her mind, people who are transgender are sexual deviants much like pedophiles are. I really have no idea how she could liken being trans to being a pedophile and it sickens me that she does but I think it ties back into her distorted religious beliefs because according to her, being transgender isn't harming another person as pedophilia would but it is harming my mind, body and soul which are god's creations and on top of that being transgender would mean that I wouldn't be having straight, male on female sex. She's the kind of person you mentioned who just blindly follows what church leaders have told her. I've asked her to explain her reasoning behind why being transgender is a sin from a religious stand point but she's never able to provide any explanation or real evidence as to why it would be a sin according to god or the Bible. The only explanation she could give was to say that I should accept how god made me and that it was a sin to go against his creation, that even if I feel I'm a man I should deny those feelings and force myself to be what I was born as. My mother picks and chooses to cite Bible passages that will support her own personal views. When I reminded her of other Old Testament passages that are no longer followed she doesn't want to hear it.

As for my father, he has always confided in me that he doesn't really believe in god so I don't think religion has anything to do with his transphobia and homophobia. He's more of the person who jumped on the transphobia/homophobia bandwagon. From what I've observed he seems to feel that being transgender is a deviancy because he's sexist and views women as an inferior gender therefore he believes they should not equate themselves to men in any way much less transition into men. Sometimes he's accepting of transexuality and homosexuality but other times he's vulgar in declaring his hatred for both. Based on some of his behaviors I really think that he has some latent homosexual tendencies that he represses which is why he's so overly outspoken against it sometimes. He also has always had a sadistic desire to harm and torture me so among doing other things, he has always harassed me about my sexuality even before I came out so when I told my family I was trans he jumped at the opportunity to hurt me rather than help me.

I believe that the hearts of religious people can be changed too but that's the problem with trying to changes my family members' hearts, their beliefs aren't entirely motivated by religion and they just won't open their hearts up tp being changed. I can throw knowledge and scripture at them as much as I want but it's like hitting a brick wall, nothing will get through to them until they want it to. The best I can do is keep working on them so that even if they still refuse to listen I won't have to say I didn't try.


SunKat,

My financial trouble is partially my fault for trusting my parents. In the past I've allowed them to sign for me on things so that's what they did with the loans. I really do love them despite the abuse because even though they have their bad sides, I've seen the good sides of them too. they can be really bad but they can also be really wonderful. It's not as if I'm a saint either, I've caused them some heartache too. I know my parents took out the loans innocently and had every intention to pay them but when I came out to them they became angry and decided not to help me. They even told me that I was on my own with the loans since I "decided to be transgender".

I've already considered going bankrupt but student loans can't be erased through bankruptcy except in very rare cases. There are some bills going through congress now though that may change that and allow student loans to be discharged through bankruptcy in the near future so I'm keeping my fingers crossed. I don't want to take legal action against my parents either because I know that their intentions were good when they took out the loans plus it would just open up another can of worms that I can't deal with right now. I have most of my loans deferred but the interest on them keeps building and at the rate it's going they'll be upwards of a hundred thosand dollars within just a few years. If I had known they intended to borrow so much I would have stopped them and picked up another job or two to just pay my way through school. It's too late now but I do have a few options that could save me from a life of debt.


Xhianil,

It's okay, I don't feel like anyone's ganging up on me. It's true that I do need to move out but I can't afford to. There's just no way I would be able to afford to pay rent much less basic living expenses for things like food. As soon as I can though, I'll be out of here. I figure that even though my family can be abusive it's better to have a roof over my head than to be out on the streets somewhere. I'm safer living with the dangers I know than the ones I don't.
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Xhianil

Do you have no friends at all you can't room with and pay what you can when you can? If not then that really sucks, i hope you find a way, any way, to get outta there.
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Rina

Quote from: Contravene on November 14, 2013, 10:01:23 PM
I believe that the hearts of religious people can be changed too but that's the problem with trying to changes my family members' hearts, their beliefs aren't entirely motivated by religion and they just won't open their hearts up tp being changed. I can throw knowledge and scripture at them as much as I want but it's like hitting a brick wall, nothing will get through to them until they want it to.

That's so true. I'm a theologian (I only have a Bachelor's degree, though), which means most people have a very hard time "beating" me in a religious debate. But if the subject is controversial to them, the motivation is as you say not entirely religious, it is also emotional and cultural. So when they realize they've lost the debate, they just shut down, stop listening and either repeat their (usually poor) argument, or just say "But I believe that, and you can't decide what I should believe". People like that can't be reasoned with - over time, they may soften and perhaps slowly change their mindset, but it can't be done overnight.
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Starla

My family is full of religious nuts. It's really, really tough.
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Amy The Bookworm

Geez, I hate to almost just repeat what other people are saying, but ... you really need to get the hell out of there, even if it isn't the best move financially. Even bankruptcy is better than being dead. Also, you may be able to think more clearly on your own and find that your problems aren't as unsolvable as you think they are when you don't have people screaming at you and threatening to kill you all the time. If your parents physically attack you again, you need to report it to the police. There is zero excuse not to.

I know what it's like to have overly religious family as well. Much of my family is ultra religious. However, I also live away from them.

Get out, even if it means bankruptcy and your transition has to wait a few years. I'd hate to hear your name and obituary read during a future transgender day of remembrance ceremony.
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