The title of this is pretty much what my life is now.

I dont understand. anytime i see a girl i get very depressed. I have this sick game where i pick out the girls i would like to look like the most. is this normal. all this depression has made my day into a very regimented and smoky existence as you can see below.
I dont know if what im experiencing is gender dysphoria, but its what im calling it till i find a better name.


my life day to day

get up at 6:00 Am
shower
p.e (gender dysphoria in locker room)
check susans.org on the transsexual page
come home after school
have a smoke
check susans.org on the transsexual page
have another smoke
take a shower (gender dysphoria)
have a smoke
veg on couch
watch t.v (just makes me really depressed when i see all the girls)
have a cry
have a smoke
fall asleep

Okay, it sounds like you need to break a few habits there.

You already know that smoking won't help much.  It fact, it will ruin your skin, and make it harder to pass. 

Let's talk about watching girls and becoming depressed.

Instead of worrying that you are not yet there, take the opportunity to observe and learn from girls/women your age.  It can be rather helpful in developing feminine traits.  And eventually making a seamless transition.

Life may have dealt you lemons - so make lemonade.

Honey,
Nothing happens unless we make it happen. Work out where you want to be and make aims and go for it.