Hi everybody.

It's taken a while but I've come out to my partner, made an appointment for therapy and begun living part time as a woman. My partner has been really understanding, and the time that I can spend at home as myself gives me so much peace of mind. Next we're planning a few trips away where I can spend a few days or weeks fully as Joan.

I plan to start HRT as soon as I can referred, but for a smooth transition I plan to work in male mode for at least another three years. This will give me the financial base we need for future.  I realise that there will be physical changes, but i don't intend to let what other people think bother me.

The problem is that having moved a long way toward self-acceptance I'm now finding it harder and harder interacting with people as a guy and I don't suppose hormones are going to make that any easier.

So how long did you spend on your transition? Is such a long term dual role life possible?

I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences.

Life is transition. Dual roles though is extremely difficult and makes the living a lie part so much more evident. I think you will find 3 years to be too long.

Yes, three years could be stretching it a bit. Especially if you get significant development in the breast department. Some people find swapping between gender roles to be a bit depressing too, especially when they have to present as a gender they don't want to be after spending a weekend as the gender they want to be. Take it slowly at first and see how you feel as things progress.

I had already lost my family and church and had to find a home of my own before I even made the decision that I would transition.

Jan 2011 - Joined an LGBT friendly church.
May 2011 - Moved into my own flat and soon started appearing as female to the neighbours.
Aug 2011 - Transitioned at the new church.
Oct 2011 - Transitioned at word.  Full Time and never looked back.
Dec 2012 - Lost my job.  Probably not because of transition.

I make that five months from living part time to full time.  I had been on hormones for some time before I started the process.

I couldn't stand more than a few months of living a double life, half the people knowing me as Suzi and the other half knowing me as that old name. I dressed for the first time Aug. '12, and went full time June '13

I've barely just started... but family always thinks we're moving more quickly than we are.

I came out to my wife in early August. I will start AA's in late December... that's 5 months, and just the AA's. I'm planning to start E in May, 5 months after starting AA's and 10 months after coming out.

I'd love to go FT in the summer, but I doubt I could before winter / spring. That's at least a full year to year and a half after coming out.

...and mentally I'm ready to tell everyone NOW!

Thank you all for your thoughts.  It's so good to have the input of people who are already some way down the same road.

Losing so much must have been hard Mary.  I eventually accepted that I would lose my partner before I came out to her, and the thought of that held me back for so long.

And yes, LordKat, Grace, I'm already suffering that wrench every morning as I get ready to leave the house to go off to work.  I'm worried about the strain of that long term.

I went into slow meltdown for 8 months after something triggered the latest, and this time unavoidably intense bout of dysphoria before I came out to my partner.  She has been so amazing, taking it for the most part in her stride, and helping me with so many things over the last month.  It's also made us even closer than we were before.

During the 8 months I'd planned how I would do my transition, when I would eventually go full time, have surgery, how much money I would need for everything. 

I'd also planned for a good while on hormones to make the final full time transition smoother.  I had read many people say that HRT would not be that apparent for quite a while if I didn't draw attention to it. 

The thing is it's like I've cracked open a door and now everything is pouring through and I'm in danger of getting swept away 

I really can't wait to start therapy.  I hope she's good

Suzi, I guess that once you get a first taste of what life can truly be like then that's where you want to be.

And Tarah, I see that you have a plan in place too I'm kind of ready to go too, but if I can I think it would be so much better to have money in the bank to smooth the rocky path.

I guess there's a limit to how long you can keep it up though.

I am just planning to proceed with my transition on a day-by-day basis, taking slow steps, adjusting to how people will react and pushing here and there a bit. I had pleasure to speak recently with a gender expert from a European country with probably the best TG treatment system ever. Being TG himself (he is FtM), he finally asked me this question - what are my plans and schedule. I told him that I dont really know but I am not expecting to have SRS in the next five years (I need get my finances together and I cant change my papers before SRS), so I will have to adjust my life to this. He told me, that he is not sure I would be able to manage this for five years, jumping there and back again, switching between genders - he has seen such examples and that can be quite hard - at least mentally and emotionally. I fully agreed, but there are things which are outside of our control and there are too many unknown and unpredictable variables which could affect us and force to change our plans and schedules. But one thing for sure – I already have difficulties when socialising – especially with guys, and if must present in the male mode and I know I will be observed, I need to watch myself closely – posture, gestures, gait, because things tend to slip from time to time.

Hi Emily

Thanks for sharing that.  I guess he ha seen a lot of people try to switch roles without continued success. 

I know exactly what you mean about socialising as a guy.  Last night I was out with some friends and even being with people that I know quite well who I won't be out to for a good while yet was a strain at times. 

I found that the more attainable full transition seemed, the harder it was to live in limbo. I couldn't bear presenting male by about 3 months in, although I kept it up for another few months.

Also, HRT forced me to come out at work after four months of taking it... I didn't particularly mind at that point, obviously, but you might find passing as male for three entire years to be difficult.

Quote from: Joan on November 23, 2013, 08:17:31 AM
Hi Emily

Thanks for sharing that.  I guess he ha seen a lot of people try to switch roles without continued success. 

I know exactly what you mean about socialising as a guy.  Last night I was out with some friends and even being with people that I know quite well who I won't be out to for a good while yet was a strain at times.

This and also being in the company with guys will start getting a bit... irritable? I cant really describe this feeling, but whenever I find myself in pure male company - which does not happen that often - I have this nagging feeling of not belonging there - like I am some kind of observer or "alien" . This is what happened last time - one of them dropped a line about "having to get home timely to watch the game", other nodded enthusiastically and I dropped innocently: "Oh, I had no idea that there is a game today..." and they were like - "Errr, what?"

And by the way, have You considered extensive andro mode instead of going from male to female? I am sure You did...

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on November 23, 2013, 07:51:26 AM
I am just planning to proceed with my transition on a day-by-day basis, taking slow steps, adjusting to how people will react and pushing here and there a bit. I had pleasure to speak recently with a gender expert from a European country with probably the best TG treatment system ever. Being TG himself (he is FtM), he finally asked me this question - what are my plans and schedule. I told him that I dont really know but I am not expecting to have SRS in the next five years (I need get my finances together and I cant change my papers before SRS), so I will have to adjust my life to this. He told me, that he is not sure I would be able to manage this for five years, jumping there and back again, switching between genders - he has seen such examples and that can be quite hard - at least mentally and emotionally. I fully agreed, but there are things which are outside of our control and there are too many unknown and unpredictable variables which could affect us and force to change our plans and schedules. But one thing for sure – I already have difficulties when socialising – especially with guys, and if must present in the male mode and I know I will be observed, I need to watch myself closely – posture, gestures, gait, because things tend to slip from time to time.

This. It does get very very hard to maintain the double life, and it does get hard to pretend to other people while in male mode, when all you want to do is set yourself free.

Quote from: Bardoux on November 23, 2013, 08:39:44 AM
This. It does get very very hard to maintain the double life, and it does get hard to pretend to other people while in male mode, when all you want to do is set yourself free.

If I'm not strong... this is what will put me "out" before I even start E... I can't see living half way for that long

When I dress in male mode to go to work I often check myself in the mirror and smile and say "nice disguise today!" Sounds a bit nuts perhaps, but it can help me get through some days!

As many others here already know, I am a long term transitioner.  I started HRT in Sept 2008 and, after about two years stop-go, I have continued uninterrupted since Sept 2010. I also did a very complete FFS in two steps, upper face in 2011 and lower face in 2012 plus facial hair removal and hair transplants.

Today, I am out to everyone who counts in my life, including my boss and all of my peers in the management team of the company I work for,live 100% as a woman in my private life yet to continue to have to present as a guy at work until my civil identity change comes through, a very drawn out process here in France. Hopefully it will come through next spring at the latest and if it doesn't (result depends very much on the judge), I could be stuck in limbo for a long time to come as my employer won't let me transition on the job unless my civil identity is aligned with my gender identity.

Is it fun, no, but I really have no other choice and that helps focus the mind. Interestingly, in spite of the fact that I am very much in male fail mode with third parties and while my appearance (including long hair worn in a ponytail) is very, very unusual for either a guy or a senior manager in a fairly large company, my experience to date suggests that no one at work has  guessed at the reality behind what they see before I have told them. However, when I have told them, many have said that they had already picked up on the fact that personality wise my behaviours and attitudes were noticeably feminine.

Like others have mentioned, having to present as a guy on Monday mornings after a weekend living as a woman or coming back from a two week vacation, as happened recently, is momentarily depressing but I am so busy at work that I really don't have time to dwell on it.

Also, I push dress codes to the limits, mostly wearing andryogenous female clothes, pullovers, blouses, pants & shoes, plus everthing underneath.  Most of all, as I now unambiguously see the woman myself and since I don't attempt to behave in any manner that is not me, no matter how I have to present for now , deep down inside me I know that it is only a question of time.

That being said, when that day finally comes I will definitely be throwing a party as it has been a very, very long road with many ups and downs which I probably would not have been able to handle as I did without the most extraordinary support of my dearly loved wife. I owe her so much for being always there with me, always steadfast and solid as a rock. Having such a person beside you makes a huge difference under any circomstances and even more so during a long transition.

Hope this provides another perspective compared to some of the other posts.
Hugs
Donna

P.S. I should probably also mention that I did not come out to anyone other than my wife before doing my first FFS surgery in 2011, only my children immediately after this and most other people only after my second surgery in 2012. I think that without this precaution I could never have done as I did as coming out creates expectations that you then have to live with.

My slow approach also certainly contributed to insuring that I have been able to preserve almost all of the important relationships in my life: wife, kids (from a first mariage), my siblings (apart from one) and my friends.

     

That is a different perspective.  I didn't realise it was that bad in France.

It was great to read all of your thoughts and get some new perspectives on long term transitions.

Donna especially, your transition is kind of what I hoped would be possible for me.  I don't intend to hide my real self away from now on, but I also don't intend to advertise it either.  People can take me as they find me.

I think my job is also fairly secure.  I just don't think, for various reasons, that it would be possible to continue with it after I'm finally in a position to go full time.

I want to be responsible about our future while working toward becoming my true self.

Having gone out at the weekend for the first time wearing a skirt this weekend my confidence is growing, but Monday was quite a wrench again

Hi Joan,
Very glad to learn that you found my input helpful! Also, I have just received news that my long term transition is finally coming to end.
The Administrative Court that is handling my Civil Identity Change filing has the accepted the principle and while the procedure won't be completely wrapped up before next February-March, it looks like my days having to continue presenting as a guy are counted.
I have just shed quite a few tears because it really has been a very, very long and bumpy road but these were and are tears of relief and joy.
Wishing you all the very best on your own journey!
Donna 

Oh Donna, that is such great news! Not too long until it's finally over, and that's going to be such a relief. I'm expecting problems and setbacks along the way too, but I hope I can make as successful a transition as you have