I'm done with T. Can't handle it anymore. I can't think with my brain with it. I hate the way it makes me feel, both physically and mentally. Physically, I hate the way it makes body hair grow, the acne on my chest and arms, the stupid spontaneous erections, always at the wrong moment, that just don't go away. Mentally, I hate the emotion it gives me; anger. I feel nothing but anger with testosterone in me. When I manage to get around it, I'm such more an emotional person. But when I have testosterone "highs" I can think of nothing calmly, only in an angry manner, hence the nature of the post.
I've wondered if this is my body's reaction to the impending transition my mind has planned.If it is, it's super duper annoying, and I want to start HRT ASAP, at least spiro. I don't know what will happen to me if I can't get T out of me soon.

Willow, sweetie, I can't say that I understand but I'm definitely here for you as you go through what must be a difficult time. I think a lot of people here have had similar experiences and you-like them-will definitely make it through! Emotionally, I think it may be the physical effects of the testosterone on your body, rather than its presence in your system, that's making you angry. I could be wrong but either way it's completely natural.

I'm hoping that everything works out for you, Willow!   

I'm pretty sure there's some mental effects on me. Every little inconvenience is bringing up anger, even when there's solely no reason to be angry.
Thanks for being here for me, though.

Hey Willow
Testosterone can be a right pain sometimes there's no denying it, but don't forget even pre-puberty cis girls get angry so poor ol' T ain't always at fault. But I totally get your frustration, you're pretty damned close to starting stage 1 but you just want it to be over with so you can move on to stage 2. Until that happens it's almost impossible to think straight or think of anything else and it feels like everything is getting in the way or getting on your nerves... which of course can lead to anger and you just wanna go AARRGH! I can't say anything much to help there, unfortunately it is a waiting game, but I will say that while the wait seems interminable in just a short while you will be there, and then you will be on the other side and there will be new goals to reach - in a few weeks, months, years you will reach those too and you can look back to now and know that it was the first of many steps along your way. If there's a single word that might help you wait it out it's "soon". Soon you will be there!
Hugs!

How soon is soon though? Finals week is the week after next. If I still can't think and I fail all my tests then what? I'm in trouble, and it's all T's fault. But of course, it's not a disability, so the school doesn't care. Then I'll have hell to deal with, this on top of the issues of coming out, which, when coupled with other negative news, is surely going to be not well taken.
It feels right now like I can be nothing but angry. Instead of thinking issues through I just want to fight out of them. That's not how I really feel. I want to be the real me, compassionate, caring, loving, understanding, instead I'm just all fight, kill, shoot to thrill right now and I hate it.
I don't need more antidepressants, I need the only one thing that will "cure" me.

*hug*

I know you're set on your path, Willow, and I share your pain about not being able to start HRT soon enough.

I just want to caution you, though... too often I've seen people peg their hopes on a panacea, a cure to everything.  From what I know from my trans* friends both locally and on Susan's, HRT is *not* that.  It's wonderful (or so I've heard, can't wait to try it) but it is very unlikely to cure everything, or even just frustration and anger.

I burned out of college once... and you're right, antidepressants, while they can help, are not often the complete answer.  Please hear me when I tell you that I understand where you are (as well as I can), and I know you are deeply frustrated and hurting right now.  Please, please consider talking to a behavioral counselor... someone who can help you develop habits *now* that will help you deal with the frustrations of womanhood that are yet to come (I have two daughters your age... believe me, there are PLENTY of frustrations ahead of you).  Such counselors are often free to university students, and the tricks they can teach you can help you stay in control of your brain (and your life) no matter what your hormones are doing.

*hug*

Right now, I'm looking for some relief so that I can think. Of course, estrogen is the answer, since it's obviously T that is clouding my head.
I can't afford to flunk out. There's too much at stake, and I can't imagine how horrible it would be for me if I can no longer pursue a degree.
The specific gender counsellor is booked up until April now. The entire counselling centre is booked until late February. I can't get in anywhere, and in my current condition, it just causes my blood to boil more. I can't think at all. I'm so tense. I'm reverting to pre-confident me, back into him. I don't want this. I want to move forward, not reverse, and standing still is as good as reverse right now.

You're under a huge amount of stress, what with your gender issues, impending HRT and tests on top of all that. Did you say you're currently on anti-depressants? Believe me (speaking from experience here) those things can fog your like the worst pea souper. Depends on what type you're on, some are worse than others and some of those can really stop you thinking straight. Can you talk to whoever prescribed them, chances are you don't need more just something that will help not hinder you.

Remember, there's nothing wrong with you but you are under a lot of stress and that's enough to make anyone down and angry.

Big hug. 

It's weird how all the regretful stuff that went on in my life is now starting to make sense why it happened.  I see some of you talking about anger, frustration, not being able to concentrate, etc.  That pretty much sums up my life for about the last 50 years. These thoughts are all I've known up to this point. Is there an actual life worth living somewhere out there?
I'm just now starting to grab this bull by the horns (so-to-speak) and have my initial GT appointment in 5 days.  I have a pretty good idea of what I'm going to hear when I spill my guts, which won't be easy for me. Yep, I'm terribly late to this game, but at least I'm here now.  Hang in there Willow, it's gonna be ok.

As I write this right now... I'm so on edge I want to scream. In fact... about half an hour ago I did
There's no reason for it... it has to be the T. What else could it be?
And there's just no way to burn it off.

I just try to calm down as much as I can... and think to when I can get HRT.
Please try to do the same, get through finals as best you can, and march forward toward HRT and a bit of calmness.

You can do it ♥ ♥

Quote from: Willow on November 24, 2013, 09:38:43 PM
I'm done with T. Can't handle it anymore. I can't think with my brain with it. I hate the way it makes me feel, both physically and mentally. Physically, I hate the way it makes body hair grow, the acne on my chest and arms, the stupid spontaneous erections, always at the wrong moment, that just don't go away. Mentally, I hate the emotion it gives me; anger. I feel nothing but anger with testosterone in me. When I manage to get around it, I'm such more an emotional person. But when I have testosterone "highs" I can think of nothing calmly, only in an angry manner, hence the nature of the post.
I've wondered if this is my body's reaction to the impending transition my mind has planned.If it is, it's super duper annoying, and I want to start HRT ASAP, at least spiro. I don't know what will happen to me if I can't get T out of me soon.

I'm in a pretty similar boat hun.  I'm 28, and most of the time i feel like my T is raging on me harder the last 2-3 years than the rest of my life combined.   Whenever they are raging, i dont really get angry though, just frustrated,  and i cant think straight, not to mention *sigh* horny for no reason(seriously, the most irritating of all).  I'm with you 100% on wanting to at least be on spiro or something, health effects damned, T has got me going nuts and im ready to be rid of it too.
     You might not want to hear this, but really, Fapping is one thing that seems to dump that wild hormonal feeling weather im frustrated/horny/angry w/e and i can feel the T.  Not the best of advice, but its all i got, and something i picked up from my male friends.   I think T has a way of letting us know, via instinctual drive for what it wants us to do if we let that go.  If your like me, and, hate that part of yourself, it can be an esp pain, not being in the mood....

On a side note, ive tried a few SSRI's and they made me VERY angry.   Do look at those if your finding yourself really really angry all the time.  Zoloft put me into a uncontrollable rage which caused me to nearly kill my brother.(he and i are best friends now though)  That was pretty big deviation from my regular personality, since i generally go out of my way to treat everyone around me extra good if i can.   Anyways, anti-depressants have lots of random effects sometimes, esp since they dont entirely know how they all work.  Do  check mood against pre-anti-depressants, see if they are effecting you badly. 

Quote from: Sophia Hawke on December 01, 2013, 04:38:31 AM
     You might not want to hear this, but really, Fapping is one thing that seems to dump that wild hormonal feeling weather im frustrated/horny/angry w/e and i can feel the T.  Not the best of advice, but its all i got, and something i picked up from my male friends.   I think T has a way of letting us know, via instinctual drive for what it wants us to do if we let that go.  If your like me, and, hate that part of yourself, it can be an esp pain, not being in the mood....

I have ways I like to do that... but doing it while I'm tensed up just seems like it'd make me hate the cure as much as the problem... and I don't think I could do it (I'm seldom really in the mood for that now ~ which reminds me of a funny story I should tell elsewhere -- check the laugh thread).

Quote from: kabit on December 01, 2013, 05:54:53 AM
I have ways I like to do that... but doing it while I'm tensed up just seems like it'd make me hate the cure as much as the problem... and I don't think I could do it (I'm seldom really in the mood for that now ~ which reminds me of a funny story I should tell elsewhere -- check the laugh thread).

I just close my eyes and pretend im a girl, and imagine girl bits to make it through anymore.  I originally thought i would want to get my face done first after a while on hormones.   Now, im pretty sure bottom surgery is going to be first on the list.  After HRT, i dont think ill have the desire to "stretch it" anymore, which ive heard can be a problem for SRS if you are too small and didnt stretch it to be big enough.  Really though, sometimes its the only thing i can do, just to keep my focus and make it through the day

Quote from: Sophia Hawke on December 01, 2013, 06:03:56 AM
I just close my eyes and pretend im a girl, and imagine girl bits to make it through anymore.  I originally thought i would want to get my face done first after a while on hormones.   Now, im pretty sure bottom surgery is going to be first on the list.  After HRT, i dont think ill have the desire to "stretch it" anymore, which ive heard can be a problem for SRS if you are too small and didnt stretch it to be big enough.  Really though, sometimes its the only thing i can do, just to keep my focus and make it through the day

I don't have a problem doing it... I just don't feel the need to do it often anymore (and I'm not on HRT yet . . .) ~ I also don't think I'd like to do it when I'm having a lot of T-tension... it'd put me less in the mood. T does drop if you're active (studies measured 3 weeks of abstinence) but that doesn't mean you need daily sexual activity. You are probably just feeling the dopamine release from orgasm rather than any direct hormonal effect. http://examine.com/faq/does-ejaculation-affect-testosterone-levels.html

T is also higher in the morning than in the evening, but these attacks usually hit me in the evening... it isn't T level... it's stress build up from dealing with T all day, every day.

Quote from: kabit on December 01, 2013, 06:14:40 AM
I don't have a problem doing it... I just don't feel the need to do it often anymore (and I'm not on HRT yet . . .) ~ I also don't think I'd like to do it when I'm having a lot of T-tension... it'd put me less in the mood. T does drop if you're active (studies measured 3 weeks of abstinence) but that doesn't mean you need daily sexual activity. You are probably just feeling the dopamine release from orgasm rather than any direct hormonal effect. http://examine.com/faq/does-ejaculation-affect-testosterone-levels.html

T is also higher in the morning than in the evening, but these attacks usually hit me in the evening... it isn't T level... it's stress build up from dealing with T all day, every day.

I've just grit my teeth and bear the T tonight till it passed.  But yeah, i agree every day is prolly not necc.  Ill say though, at least in my experience, real sex seems to put my hormonalness at ease far better and longer than by myself.  And the body definitely knows when its with another person and when its by itself.(there's a study somewhere, its really early am cant be arsed to look it up).  To the point even, where i sometimes wont take care of myself from feeling hormonal for a week or more.  From that faq though, it doesnt look like this topic has had very much study.  I'll also say, hormones have hit me strange, i honestly feel like puberty really hit me in my mid 20s.  My body hair magically all went super hairy on me at 25, along with acne, and a libido that just wont quit and that nagging hormonal feeling.   Before then i was still interested in sex and had a little body hair(though barely any facial).  But it was all pretty meh to me until then.  All of that a strong factor in coming out and transitioning. Mind you the hormones make the dysphoria feeling a million times worse when they kick in, not to mention the "pharamone smell" from other girls certain times of the month .
     I just know i want that to go away.  I feel like a slave to the T sometimes.   IDK about morning or night T levels, i get up at 5pm and go to bed at 8-9 am usually.   Having ample time to myself later in my day im sure doesnt help either.   I just know ill be far happier with it gone.