OK - you have probably heard it all before, but i need somewhere to voice how I feel, i hope this is ok... here goes..
I have had mixed feelings about my gender for quite some time, since i was maybe 8 or 9 years old. I have always related more to girls than with my male friends, despite having few female long term friends. I remember a movie when i was 11, it was about a transsexual, this sparked an affinity with me that i have rarely found since, my curiosity was captivated and it just felt like i could relate to what the character was experiencing...
I remember having dreams as a child, 6 or 7 about being on an island with a mirror, putting on lipstick then flying around
my perception has always just related to the female side of the spectrum, i don't know how i can KNOW this but i feel like that is the only explanation...
At the beginning of puberty it was like i had some inbuilt cognizance of wanting to be female, it is nothing but a feeling ~ like a fantasy, when i think about myself as female i get this warm feeling within myself, like a fire inside me compelling me do something about it. THEN comes a feeling of dread, denial and self-hatred. I question myself as to why this is happening, why am i a boy, but feel 'hardwired' to be a female... it is like an obsession, every day i think about it, every day i want it, but every day it push it under the rug.. and there is a quote
Sometimes i wake up in the middle of the night and the only thought that puts me back to sleep is a deep mental blueprint of wearing dresses and physically being female
I tried telling my parents once, when i was 15 turning 16, well my mother. She then went and spoke to a professional who stated that it was perfectly natural to be going through these feelings, they will pass in time... somehow i knew they wouldn't - and they haven't.
I am an only child and the focus of both parents, who are both successful and bright.. my mother is now dead
but she was the only person in the world i could speak to about it. My father found out about it and said the same thing..
when i tried to enforce that i want to change myself I can see the hurt in my mothers eyes and in order to please her i decided to try and live my life as a male, but it has been nothing short of torment, day after day of hitting my head against the wall, living a life of dreams and no action.. I am 25 now.. these feelings are still here, my father has remarried, has 4 step children - all successful and happy with families... this takes focus away from me which is great..
In the years of my early 20ties i turned to drugs and alcohol, drinking a lot, smoking a lot and trying to get away from this feeling that has always been lurking in the deep recess of my mind.. trying to run away from it, it never worked and only put me deeper into the depths of my depression and, now that i am 25 it seems like if i don't GO for it NOW then it is not going to happen!! where do i start!?!
Distance. Thats the only way to put it, it is like i am watching my life wither and waste away at a distance..
This fake persona that i put on, makes me feel like i am a liar, to my friends and family..
I desire to become self-actualized, to become female... i just don't know if i will pass, I don't even know why that is be important, it shouldn't be - I just need some strength to get through this, if that is what i want, is it always so confusing... it is a battle of willpower ><
Has anyone else experienced anything like this?? I try to put words to how i am feeling but do such a terrible job ~ there is so much more ripping through my mind surrounding this.... it just seems so unfair, i feel like i have so much more to give to the world and that my personal growth is stalled every day that i fail to act...
The reason for this is partly to dump, but partly because i don't really have anyone else to talk to about it, i am too afraid to tell my family about it as i don't want to ruin the harmony - despite the fact we don't live together and that i am about to go overseas to study, i see this as a perfect opportunity to finally do something about it!
I just don't know if this makes any sense anymore..
TKS
Sorry about the wall of txt
please feel free to ask me anything as well, i'm done running.. it's just tiring..
