I feel exactly that way about it, Kate, you said it so well. You said it perfectly. Except that I hate my alleged maleness, hate it with a burning passion, as much as I love my femaleness. I know this is kind of unbalanced, and I have reason to anticipate that once my womanhood is more firmly established in the eyes of society through transition, I will be on a firmer basis for seeking balance in my emotions about gender. It's being treated as male by others--with all the assumptions about what that gender identification supposedly means, such as separating me from the womanhood I share with other women--that gives me the heebie jeebies. I was weak before, it took me this long to become strong enough to say No to everyone trying to impose maleness on me. Like "the Japan that can say No," I've finally developed into the trans woman that can say No.
I cannot see levels of GID and transsexualism as fixed or absolute categories. This stuff can evolve over time. Even when I dropped the denial of my GID (as Kate described above, once you've opened your eyes to the reality, it is not possible to go back to deluding yourself about it), I did not want to admit I was (gasp) transsexual and on my way to SRS. But once I began consciously walking this path, it soon became clear that transsexual is exactly what I am.
It's in the nature of GID to get stronger over time, until it's really unbearable. I had to drop denial of my GID in the first place because it had kept getting stronger for years and would not leave me alone. Once I let it out of the closet, it rapidly grew in intensity and now I'm saying exactly as Morticia said above, this is it, there's no going back, I would rather be dead than male. It's unbearable now, but I am doing something about it, which gives me the hope to go on living. Estrogen is my lifeline, I would no sooner give up estrogen than I would give up oxygen (the element, not the TV network). I like Oxygen too, but I can live without TV, I can't live without my womanhood.
That's just me. I do not presume to define how others are allowed to identify themselves. I do not belittle others for the difficult choices they felt they had to make. Each person's journey is unique and individual.
