I am basically 90% stealth...but can anyone that was born a different gender really say they are 100%?? Your parents and siblings will at least know....and no one can keep a secret that well!!

I have transitioned where I live and have children therefore I cannot be 99% stealth. Doctors, teachers, relatives, pastor and some past friends know....but even though so many know I still am fairly stealth. Where I work I am completely stealth...but in this world of technology I wonder if I really am!

Even people that know about me such as teachers I still am stealth since they don't remember that I have told them or that I haven't...I am assumed to be my children's mother but I don't tell them I am, I say I am my child's parent. they still assume I am my children's mother....at times it is difficult since my children do not want to refer to me as m their mother, they have one! there are many times my children go "with the flow" .

Like today, we volunteered for a Special Olympics bowing event, at some time during the event my youngest was treating me rudely (nothing new!!) the young girl also volunteering asked if I was his mother...he said yes...she then told him he should treat me better. She then joked with him and said her mother always told her "I brought you in this world, I can take you out" It got  a bit awkward for him and me. I later did joked with him about what was said, but also wanted to make sure he knew its not something I can avoid with out telling my whole story. He understands...but I do feel really bad for my children when this happens.

I live in a fairly small community and run into people that once new me before, but rarely does anyone remember me. This helps in being stealth but also makes for a lonely life, since I do not talk with anyone that new me before.

I don't like to refer to myself as stealth, I like to feel that I am just another women. I do realize though who I once was so therefore I have no choice but describe my life as stealth. But things like todays event just remind me of the fact that I am not trying to fool anyone I am just me. There are also times that remind me of how much I missed learning growing up as a women. today was also one of them. I have had numerous affirmations of being a women for the past 3 years but today came a few new ones. One was admiring a new mothers 16 day (yes day) new born, she described much of what I was familiar with (I have 3 boys) but nothing I was intimately familiar with, I don't feel awkward...just wish I could relate better. I ended up ejecting myself from the conversation earlier than I would of like too!

In saying all this....stealth does have its advantages but also comes with regret when there is so much of a normal childhood most genetic girls share. Sure I can get by and make small talk and even relate well, but its not the same when you can't relate the feelings the same.

Quote from: Katie on December 07, 2013, 07:57:39 PM
I just think that if someone is a woman they will learn to be a woman, which means keeping their mouth shut. Now if they are a trans person they will probably be out so to say but then they aren't allowing themselves to be a woman now are they?

You know I'm not post op so maybe I'm not allowed to have the same feelings you do! but I am also a woman and its just that!! But unfortunately I have had a past life in a different gender as have you, and it does need to be known in rare instances.

No one really knows my past and no one needs to know....this is how I live my life, but there are times it needs to be known....doctors, children's teachers (not all of them) children's friends.....and men (once intimacy is wanted)....since I am pre-op

I can't remember the last time I have had to tell anyone...but I am sure I will have to again someday!!

Quote from: Just Shelly on December 07, 2013, 08:17:50 PM
You know I'm not post op so maybe I'm not allowed to have the same feelings you do! but I am also a woman and its just that!! But unfortunately I have had a past life in a different gender as have you, and it does need to be known in rare instances.

No one really knows my past and no one needs to know....this is how I live my life, but there are times it needs to be known....doctors, children's teachers (not all of them) children's friends.....and men (once intimacy is wanted)....since I am pre-op

I can't remember the last time I have had to tell anyone...but I am sure I will have to again someday!!


And you bring up a good point that I can make. The difference between pre op and post op is quite extreme. I promise you once you have srs you start a new transition and the way you see the world changes dramatically. And yes your desire to keep your mouth shut is very likely to increase. This is not dissing your pre op status it is only pointing out what happens after surgery. I am not suggesting your any less of a woman either. But when you have srs well as I said it all changes again.

You know I do believe you are right...one reason I feel only 99% a woman. Maybe once I have surgery it will feel as if it should of been that I felt only 80% of a women. 

I really don't know....but how many times in life does someone ask to see what's in between your legs...how am I any different than you or a genetic women, unless we all walk around naked.

I do want surgery very badly...in fact I feel I need it!! but how will this change how I am perceived now....the only things now would be the changing room at a pool and definitely with intimacy!....and sure it will help me perceive myself when going to the bathroom....but other than this my life isn't much different than yours.

Please do not be offended but I do get a feeling of the almighty post-op from you....but I do understand where your coming from. Yes it does help to have what all women have in between our legs....I can only dream of the day  But I am just trying to enjoy myself as the women I am accepted as..... even more than I could have ever thought possible. Getting surgery will definitely be the topping on the cake...but I already have at least a seven layer one going  

Kia Ora,

Becoming stealth (post transition) is (in a sense) just swapping one 'closet' for another....

It would seem most of us are in the closet 'prior' to coming out trans (and beginning our transition)-then stuffed back into the closet goes one's birth-sex 'post' transition "stealth"...

And the deeper the stealth, the further back into the closet ones past-life is pushed - which is a potential recipe for paranoia, which can lead to panic attacks, anxiety etc ...

However I should point out tis "Different Strokes For Different Folks" whatever floats ones boat... (my stealth-boat is 'semi'-submerged)

Metta Zenda

 You know it is totally ok for you to feel like I am speaking from that almighty. There was once a time when I felt like you and a wise post op woman told me what I told you and I was thinking hey im as much of a woman as I will ever be. Well needless to say I was wrong. You can ask any post op woman if it changed her in ways she never could have imagined and she will say yes. Perhaps thats why srs is an all important part of the process. I should point out to you that many of the changes are difficult to put into words. Perhaps the best comparison is all the changes you went through when you started hormones. Changes you could not have imagined till you lived through them.

Quote from: Just Shelly on December 07, 2013, 08:09:25 PM
I am basically 90% stealth...but can anyone that was born a different gender really say they are 100%?? Your parents and siblings will at least know....and no one can keep a secret that well!!

I agree, nobody is 100% stealth. I just find it to be an easy shorthand way of describing my postition to other TGs on this forum and on the odd occasion to a medical person. Let's face it, even a Stealth bomber was never 100% stealth, but it was when it was important.

Quote from: Just Shelly on December 07, 2013, 08:09:25 PMThere are also times that remind me of how much I missed learning growing up as a women. today was also one of them. I have had numerous affirmations of being a women for the past 3 years but today came a few new ones. One was admiring a new mothers 16 day (yes day) new born, she described much of what I was familiar with (I have 3 boys) but nothing I was intimately familiar with, I don't feel awkward...just wish I could relate better. I ended up ejecting myself from the conversation earlier than I would of like too!

In saying all this....stealth does have its advantages but also comes with regret when there is so much of a normal childhood most genetic girls share. Sure I can get by and make small talk and even relate well, but its not the same when you can't relate the feelings the same.

Although I had my GRS years ago, you and I are really similar in this respect. Sometimes the girls at work will be talking about motherhood and giving birth etc, and one of them might, for example, ask how it was for me back in the 70s when my two were born. I am now confident enough to go into a bit of detail but just swapping the roles in my mind, because I was there for both of the births.

But sometimes it can be the most simple question that can catch you out. When I changed job in the mid 80s to start my stealthy existence, I was talking to one woman and she was asking if I was married - I said I was divorced - did I have children - I said no because I knew it could lead to questions about me working long hours and who looks after them. Easier to say no. Then, to my surprise,  she asked: "What was your husband's name". I immediately replied "Steve". It was a name I just plucked out of the air, but you can't really spend time thinking about a question like that. I then made a mental note that my first husband's name was Steve.

I asked her why she had asked and she said: "I don't really know! I was expecting you to say you had children and I suppose it kinda threw me that you didn't."

Over the years I've learnt to cope with all sorts of natural questions. It became easier when my children got to their 20s and the next job I went to I just let people know I had a boy and a girl in their 20s.

Shelly, it sounds like you've got three nice boys. You must be proud of them.

Caroline
x

I concur stealth is a very specific condition, and it takes some tough choices to get there, ( like breaking all relations with friends and family then moving to a different region.) I think there is plenty of room between activist and stealth, one could call it the "easy road", but then, there is no such thing for TS people.
I do not want to be known as the "TS girl", at work, or anywhere else for the matter. So I never mention it, I went through all the proper channels to take care of legal stuff, and my old identity is fading away. At work a co-employee that was hired after my legal transition knows about my planned medical leave. He guessed it's for a boob job, hasn't got a clue it's for srs, and that's just the way I'll keep it.

Quote from: Sarah7 on December 08, 2013, 11:53:20 AM
My kind of situation is not so uncommon anymore, with people transitioning younger and younger. Especially in Canada where SRS is covered by our public healthcare. Lot of people transition during university and then just go live their lives.

I like to see myself in that situation however could I ever be truly 100% "not out"? I wonder... here in Quebec for example, I just went to change my name and gender marker in at our DMV equivalent (SAAQ). I was told by the worker that although my gender would say F and my name would be changed, there would forever be a record somewhere in a database on the computer showing that a change would be made, and my old information would be somewhere in storage  No use complaining to her, that is an issue for the politicians