Hey everyone, I'm Cameron but I would prefer to be known as Samantha.
for 6 years I've been questioning myself about my gender, and as of late I have come to accept that I am really female, but I was born in a male body. I've been spending a few weeks exploring this forum and others and I feel accepted in places like these ^^
I don't want to give a life story but after searching myself a bit I came to realize that with my family and friends I've been trying to suppress these feelings as much as possible, but by myself I have been showing a stronger dysphoria. I had myself convinced it was a "phase" or some ill-effect of puberty but I'm certain now what I am supposed to be.
I've had anxiety and paranoia in the past but the more I don't tell anyone and try to suppress the feelings of who I really am, the worse they become. I am not accepting of my self (mostly my body) and I really can't remember a time I was. In fact, during the past 6 years I have sometimes had feelings of self loathing. But everything I do that makes me feel more female does let me accept myself a little bit more
. I tremble as I type this, half because I'm kind of scared and half because I'm excited to join a community who knows how I feel and can help me.
I always felt some kind of "curiosity" I guess to being female, but probably 6 years ago I decided to try to even the most minuscule extent. Being a gamer, I just built a new character and just told people "Yeah, I'm a girl.", but being that seemed... Normal. And somewhat comforting. And that manifested into reading more "feminine" books and writing, music, and over time changing how I look (but within the bounds that my friends don't really think anything is unusual).
Lately these feelings have been overwhelming, and the more I learn about being transgender (a term that was foreign to me until earlier this year, honestly) the more I want to do something and be who I feel like I actually am. I've been trying to evolve my mannerisms and laugh but that just ends up in my friends asking if I was actually gay (I guess I'd call myself a lesbian, actually
). I'm too scared to try to crossdress in my own home (because my parents and brother have been suspicious before that I was trying to be a female) but I'd really, really like to try. I'm currently a closeted transgender and I hope that while I'm here I can work up the courage to come out and possibly take the next steps
I'm slowly learning about what it means to be transgender, and although sometimes the risk terrifies me, I am willing to do whatever I can to become the person I know I am supposed to be
-Samantha
