Just wondering there is a topic on the ftm forum that asks the question and the replies are curious. For the most part there seems to be no obligation to let any one other than yourself know your birth identity. I 'm curious how people felt about telling future partners their birth gender or the prospects of a change in gender prior to commitment.

I think so and I do. It's going to come up, better make sure they are fine with it immediately to avoid the drama and possible danger down the line.

You have no obligation as such, but it's definitely advisable. Then again, I'd be the sort of person to reveal it fairly early on, so as not to end up with somebody who would judge me for it further down the line. If it's going to be a problem for that person, then I don't want anything to do with that person.

What is an "obligation"?

To me it means that something bad might happen if I don't do it.

If I don't tell a partner that I'm trans, especially within a long term relationship, something bad will likely happen. Unless I completely wall off my past from them, they will find out on their own and be very unhappy that I wasn't open with them.

Does this form an obligation?

A question of definition, really.

Yes. Do it for yourself and avoid the pain of living in a closet.

I think it's important.

Maybe not wear a neon sign, but it's something I'd bring up within the first few dates. You don't technically have to, but you avoid problems by doing so.

ok girl code states that if its a one night stand then no you dont. your both just in it for a quickie. but now if its a relationship type thing you are supposed to tell. because if not it causes problems and makes guys feel like they have a get out of jail free card. examples of things to tell. is you use to be male, you have kids, your on parole, have super bad credit. y

You can not start a meaningful relationship on a lie. It will come out sooner or later. Later will more than likely end the relationship.

I would feel happier if they knew.  it is not nice to have this as a secret.

I've heard too many stories of transwomen getting badly injured or killed for not being honest with a partner.   Some men's sense of masculinity is a very fragile thing (ironic much?) and can have serious issues when their peer group begins to perceive them as gay.   Even finding out that someone they found attractive is trans can crush a macho man's ego to the point of violence.

This is why I am not going to get plastic surgery to the point of becoming drop dead gorgeous.  I'd like to be unmistakebly female, but being too pretty can be dangerous for you as well. 

Dudebro culture makes me sick.

Quote from: Jill F on December 07, 2013, 05:35:47 PMDudebro culture makes me sick.

AMEN sister and violence is a BIG part of that culture when things don't go how they want or if they are threatened.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on December 07, 2013, 03:07:17 PM
You can not start a meaningful relationship on a lie. It will come out sooner or later. Later will more than likely end the relationship.

why do people act like nondisclosure is a "lie"? someone's personal life is their own business, and they can choose whether to disclose it or not. i would never ask my partner's name she was given at birth, and i would feel very uncomfortable telling her mine. that doesn't mean we don't trust each other, it just means it's something that causes me a lot of pain to think about.

transitioning, being trans as a teenager, was a trauma for me. i'm not going to share or talk about that information unless i feel ready to do that. and i'm not "lying" if i choose not to share that with someone, whether in a relationship, or with anyone, ever.

Quote from: DrZoey on December 07, 2013, 10:16:24 AM
Yes. Do it for yourself and avoid the pain of living in a closet.

that's just it. it's not a closet for me, not really. not anymore. i've been post-transition long enough that it doesn't feel recent or relevant to even talk about it. there's no cis police demanding that every woman submit proof of menstruation or something, so from day to day life it's not even something i think about. it's not even something i think about in relation to those things; i mean, my first reaction to someone talking about uteruses or pregnancy or whatever is not "oh yeah, i'm trans" but "oh yeah, that's something some women can/do experience".

i don't know. my partner knows virtually everything about me. but that's not because it's my responsibility to tell her everything. it's because i feel safe in trusting her with the information.

Quote from: transtrender on December 07, 2013, 05:46:54 PM
why do people act like nondisclosure is a "lie"? someone's personal life is their own business, and they can choose whether to disclose it or not. i would never ask my partner's name she was given at birth, and i would feel very uncomfortable telling her mine. that doesn't mean we don't trust each other, it just means it's something that causes me a lot of pain to think about.

transitioning, being trans as a teenager, was a trauma for me. i'm not going to share or talk about that information unless i feel ready to do that. and i'm not "lying" if i choose not to share that with someone, whether in a relationship, or with anyone, ever.

Thank you for saying this.

Ok, let's throw another situation out there.. Say you're a post op, successfully transitioned, and intimately involved with someone of the opposite sex that knows nothing of your past. For us MTF's, this would be a man. This man says that he wants kids. What do you tell them ? Is this the point when the lies start or do you come clean to avoid potential heartache, possible violence and the stark reality that you have possibly messed someones life up. Sometimes, forgetting the friends and family you left behind to live life in your new role, you have to make it about someone else. Dont you ?

For those of us that identify as lesbians, for obvious reasons, that may well be a different matter. Then again I've seen some of the wrath that the butch, 1970's feminist transhaters can dish out and I wouldn't want to be on the receiving end of that either. 😮

I'm not going to say whether someone should or should not tell somebody that's not my business. But for me if I can't trust someone enough to be able to talk about my whole life even the parts before transition then I have no business being with that person. A relationship is built off trust and if their is no trust then that relationship is doomed from the start. Sure I may not be happy about my birth defect but my life before transition wasn't so horrible that I wouldn't want to share them stories with the person I love. 🙂

Oh great, this thread again 

Freedom to, freedom from

Every *trans person has the freedom to disclose. I see this as a very important part of your life and don't see why it should be hidden. When and how you go about this is completely up to you. And why wouldn't you? Forget about your partner for a second, think of yourself. Do you not want to share a relationship with your SO where they can see your very essence, your soul? Isn't that true love in a way, being completely naked and vulnerable to your partner? Almost as though you share the same mind?...

Every *trans person should have the freedom from disclosing. I understand that this is not always possible (don't pass, long past history etc) but as the expression goes, smoke em if you got em. Say you meet someone for a casual encounter, why are you obliged to tell? Are you seeking instant gratification with what this person has to offer? How is your transness (for lack of a better word) going to affect that situation?

TL, DR :Its your life, do as you wish!

The key word here is "obligation."  And it has made me think about the issue since this topic first was posted.

Disclaimer:  I am not post-op.  I probably never will be.  It is impossible for me to fully comprehend the issue from the perspective of a post-op woman.

With that said, I see no "obligation."  In a way, an obligation reinforces the idea that the transgendered woman is not a "real" woman.  That she is something less.

But the reality is that she is a woman.  She always has been.  No matter what Nature and society tried to do otherwise.

If I were ever in that situation, I would hope that I had a partner who loved me for who I am, flaws and scars and all.  Not for a body part.  I am not my body - I am my mind and heart and soul.

I see nothing wrong with disclosure; I just don't see it as an obligation.

Quote from: Jamie D on December 08, 2013, 11:53:02 AM
The key word here is "obligation."  And it has made me think about the issue since this topic first was posted.

Disclaimer:  I am not post-op.  I probably never will be.  It is impossible for me to fully comprehend the issue from the perspective of a post-op woman.

With that said, I see no "obligation."  In a way, an obligation reinforces the idea that the transgendered woman is not a "real" woman.  That she is something less.

But the reality is that she is a woman.  She always has been.  No matter what Nature and society tried to do otherwise.

If I were ever in that situation, I would hope that I had a partner who loved me for who I am, flaws and scars and all.  Not for a body part.  I am not my body - I am my mind and heart and soul.

I see nothing wrong with disclosure; I just don't see it as an obligation.

I can understand this perspective and somewhat agree.  Still, i can't imagine a meaningful relationship developing without disclosure.   Maybe I'm wrong, but I feel a personal obligation to tell someone.   With that said, I respect those who don't.   It's just not for me, and I wonder if a healthy relationship can really be forged under those conditions.

In the case of a long term relationship or even one that you have a hope will be long term I think you should tell your partner. There is a chance it will come out whether you like it or not and it would be terrible for a relationship to be destroyed by what is perceived to be a lie. As for casual encounters if I was postop I would not tell preop since there is a chance you could be found out it is better to tell so there are no surprises which could turn bad for you. Also for those in the Uk I recently saw this article http://www.lexplain.org.uk/criminal-law/334/ 🔗 where a Transman's consent to sexual acts with a woman was nullifyed because he did not tell her of his birth gender (warning lots of legal jargon). This is a scary precedent where you could be charged with rape by not telling your partner about your birth gender.

personally one night stands we're both just there to have a good time not a big deal. I think as the  relationship started to move I think it would pop out of me if they didn't already figure it out.