Can anyone give advice/tips etc. on what to say to my boss, that I'm transgender? (MtF) I'm unsure how else to come out at work other than to pull my boss aside and tell him I'm not a guy but a girl, that I'm transgender but after that, I don't know WHAT to say or expect. :/ What can I expect to happen? (Both the good and the bad) I would hope they'd let me wear female clothing, use the woman's bathroom and also call me Ma'am and Miss instead of Sir and Mr. or at least not call me the latter. Just thinking about how I've been able to be myself and then have to go back to being constantly being called Sir, man etc. really gets to me and I don't know how much longer I can keep enduring it... If you have any questions for me I'll try and answer them. Really, any advice/tips etc. would help, thanks...

P.S. I've already read most of the coming out at work guide here but, no offense but I don't see most people (Both employee and employer) having time to do all or even some of that.

I totally understand your frustration. I'm at least six months out from going full time, and while I can put up with being considered a man in my workplace I dearly wish for nothing more than to be there as a woman and be treated as such. I've already told my boss and she knows my situation and that I will transition when I'm ready and to a plan. As much as I'd love to go for it now, realistically I can't until I go fully full time with my transition and change my name and documents, etc... and likewise I can't do that until I know I will feel comfortable living fully full time. When I first talked to my boss I got all tongue tied trying to give her my life story, blah blah blah. A bit dramatic really. When I told my supervisor a few months later I just matter-of-factly told her I was transgendered and that I'd be transitioning in 2014 and I'd let her know a month or so before hand when I planned to do it. So much easier!

It sounds like you want to start presenting full time at work, my only question is will you be going full time in the non-work part of your life? If not, things could get a bit confusing. Also, everything I read, and it all seems to make sense, is that once you do transition at work it'll generally work best for you (and other staff) if you don't take days off from being transitioned (that is, not show up dressed as a guy on random days). If you've dealt with your beard then that's great, if not then going to  work as a woman while having to grow your beard out for laser or electrolysis can be very uncomfortable...

So if you are ready to go fully full time then it definitely is time to talk to the boss. You and they and/or the HR department need to then work out a plan to notify other staff, tell other staff what is expected of them (use your new name, proper pronouns and to be respectful), tell them you will be using the women's bathroom, etc.

Good luck!

I'm pretty much on the same schedule as Grace--I'm about six months from transitioning. I've already told one co-worker I trust and may tell another one soon. I work at an insurance company rolling out a Marketplace product and I am actually working on a "Transgendered FAQ" (not just "Is SRS covered?" which, sadly, isn't by our plan but "I am a transgendered woman, will I be denied for a prostate exam?") so I have an opening. If I tell my other co-worker I am probably going to be obligated to tell my boss (it's a small workgroup) but then I've heard that we should notify HR first. But because of my close working relationship with my boss, I want her to hear it from me.

As far as how to tell her, I plan to tell her that I am transgendered, that I've struggled with this for a long time, and that I determined that I'm finally at a point in my life where I could do something about it. I then plan to tell her that I'm in no hurry (i.e. not coming in tomorrow but maybe in six months), plan to work with HR, and will respect whatever boundaries (i.e. restrooms) they establish. I then plan to reassure her that it won't disrupt my work and that it will, if anything, relieve me of a huge burden I've carried for years and allow me to better focus on my work.

As far as restrooms, I know a lot of transgendered people like to push that envelope but I want my transition to be a positive experience at work. It's a big company so if I have to use the large restrooms on the cafeteria floor or unisex bathrooms in the other building, I won't mind--for a period at least.

Jane

Hi Shana-chan,

Not knowing what industry you work in, I'll throw a few suggestions on the table.
1. Does your industry have a union or workers association. If so, consult them to represent you to your HR department or boss
2. Contact your local TG organisation for (a) caseworker who will represent you with the company you work for, or (b) information packs they may have regarding the appropriate etiquette and methods of explaining your intentions. These info packs should also include details of your local state and Federal laws regarding discrimination.
3. Don't go into this until you are totally confident you can handle anything that is thrown at you. Discrimination is serious business and you need to know your rights and obligations. Self confidence will also pay dividends if you present yourself as totally knowledgable of your rights and TG nature.

Hope this helps
Huggs
Catherine

I told HR and then the senior benefits specialist. Next was my boss (he is the senior sponsor for 1 of 3 a diversity initiates, mentoring) then my Operations Manager and one co-worker.

I was given undisclosed Trans* procedures covered by  insurance from Benefits. Also, I was asked about the bathroom and what I wanted to do. Also, I would be provided a unisex bathroom where my office is if I liked. I said, as I present male or female I will use the appropriate bathrooms.

I am 51 and realistically I need time for hormones, procedures for my self acceptance in the world (hair, trachea, laser or electrolysis). I really want GRS and nice breasts too. I know superficial but that is me and how I see myself.  Oh, some eye work too .

There is nothing holding me back but myself. I think work would be ok after the initial disruption is over.

I think when I am ready to come out company wide pretty much everyone will already suspect.

How I told my boss. I made an appointment. When the time came I asked if we could sit under the trees among the flowers (summer in a court yard). He was nervous and asked so what is it. I told him.

There are much more informed and experienced people to share on this topic other than me, but I would make the suggestion of coming out once you feel ready.  Coming out on the job is something that most do when they are ready to go full time or preparing to do so.  Only you can decide when that is.  However, from what I've read, you are new at this job and just beginning your transition.  Neither of those things are disqualifying, but I don't know how soon you want to go full time.  So, make sure you are ready to let the cat out of the bag because once it's out it's out.  That's my only advice.

To share my experience, everyone sort of knows about me, so coming out is different in my case.  My boss was told I'm transgender and transitioning before I started.  And a few of my other coworkers knew something was going on too.  It's kind of a weird situation where everyone seems to know (or it really feels that way), but I have only discussed it with a few.   So I don't think I will have to deal with the shock aspect or fear that this will be an issue when I feel ready to go full time.  I suppose I lucked out when my friend outed me because it made things easier in the long run. 

My official coming out was a very short letter.
About 200 words. I am legally changing my name on date x. Please use correct pronouns. This is being handled professionally. Ask workplace appropriate questions at-will.

I should add I live in an extremely conservative area. I did not think a verbose letter was a good idea and may provide liability problems.

I found an opportunity to come out by my behavior. I'd already made the decision to go full time and, meanwhile at work, there was a big conference the company hosted that the employees were expected to help run. I didn't participate because I didn't trust myself to not say anything about being trans at the after party as I was feeling dysphoric at the time and would soon be starting HRT. So, BIG exciting life deals going on weighing on my mind. Afterward, I got the sense that my non-participation was viewed as me not being a "team player" so I summed up the courage to go to the HR Director cause I was worried about losing my job.

I'd done some research in the field of Human and Computer Interaction and trans people in Graduate School, even going through an RLE my last semester there. So I just told my HR director that I was the test subject for my research and that got the ball rolling. I approached coming out at work as a healing for me and think that's one of the reasons my first year (FT Jan 11th) has been so successful. I also said that I didn't go to the party or work the event because I didn't trust myself to keep my mouth shut. The HR Director said she appreciated my professionalism. Later, she would be the one to insist that I use the women's room.

Transition is coming, and it's going to make you a better employee because you won't be distracted by hiding or managing two lives. I suggest emphasizing how you'll become "a more productive resource" for them Beyond that, I do also suggest trying to setup a meeting outside of work so they can meet you as you before day one. My HR director I found out afterward was freaking out and after the fact I know some events would have gone a lot smoother had they seen for themselves that a professional, appropriately dressed woman was going to be showing up for work on that day one. Your company might be too big for the HR Director, but you might have a manager or someone else who could use a sneak preview.

Good luck!

Thank you everyone. I guess you need to know some things to better help me. I'm new to working, this is my first ever job and I've been there for a little over a month and a half. It's a fast-food restaurant with security cameras. It's a small building thus there's really only one place to talk within the building which is kind of outside but it's near the freezer, I don't think there's a camera there though and I'm not sure whether this is a good idea to talk to my boss with or without a camera. I don't know what to tell him at this point other than I'm transgender, please call me by this name, I'll be using the women's restroom and to please call me ma'am, she, woman etc. instead of sir, he, man etc. That's all I've got, I don't know how he'll go about telling the other employees but I guess I'd want him to tell them. (I hate people knowing I'm transgender when I just want them to know and see me as a woman...) Now because it's a small place and because of what kind of job it is, the employees don't usually have a lot of time to talk, let alone sit down and have a meeting. As for HR (Human resources?), I have no idea how to contact them but is it necessary? I just plan to tell my boss and have him inform the others. OH! And lastly, I am in no way near or able to afford any kind of transitioning process (Such as hair removal, voice therapy etc.) any time soon ( <-- Sad face) unless someone can cover it for me (Such as an insurance company) but I can pass as female even then. Unfortunately I have to wear my hair up thus I have no idea how passable I am then. :/

I forgot to say but, any kind of meeting outside the work place isn't happening. The reason is listed at the very bottom of this post.

P.S. fast-food restaurant=Oh my poor nails!

Quote from: Ms Grace on December 22, 2013, 02:06:59 AM
It sounds like you want to start presenting full time at work, my only question is will you be going full time in the non-work part of your life? If not, things could get a bit confusing. Also, everything I read, and it all seems to make sense, is that once you do transition at work it'll generally work best for you (and other staff) if you don't take days off from being transitioned (that is, not show up dressed as a guy on random days). If you've dealt with your beard then that's great, if not then going to  work as a woman while having to grow your beard out for laser or electrolysis can be very uncomfortable...

So if you are ready to go fully full time then it definitely is time to talk to the boss. You and they and/or the HR department need to then work out a plan to notify other staff, tell other staff what is expected of them (use your new name, proper pronouns and to be respectful), tell them you will be using the women's bathroom, etc.

Good luck!

I'm already full time everywhere except work, that also adds to the hurt, frustration etc. I wouldn't want to dress in male clothing unless I'm cosplaying so I don't think that'd be a problem. lol Wait, what!? O_O That makes no sense to me, that you'd have to grow your hair out (all over the body including if you're doing the body too) just to remove the hair by what you said. o_O (Needless to say I have no idea how laser etc. works)

Quote from: Misato on December 22, 2013, 07:34:07 PM
Later, she would be the one to insist that I use the women's room.

Transition is coming, and it's going to make you a better employee because you won't be distracted by hiding or managing two lives. I suggest emphasizing how you'll become "a more productive resource" for them Beyond that, I do also suggest trying to setup a meeting outside of work so they can meet you as you before day one.

Good luck!

Wow that is awesome and so unexpected. I'd imagine most would be against that. Lucky.

And tat hiding and managing two lives really got to me for the longest time, now it's only at work. Well for the most part, still need to come out to some family members who I rarely see. I would have never thought of that. Thank you. I'll try to remember to tell him that when I tell him. Again thanks. The work uniform is nearly identical to that of the female one, only difference here is, they recently gave us a new uniform and unlike the last one, this one is labeled "MAN." Ugh! -_- When I come out, I'll also have to ask for another uniform and to better get the women's uniform, I'll say it's a matter of religion if I have too. Anyway I don't think a meeting for that is necessary, besides, it can't be helped they have to know at work that I'm trans but it CAN be helped that the rest of the world doesn't have to know and I'm sure if I did any kind of meeting like that, it'd be a topic we'd talk about and I know I'd need to meet him/them in a public place thus I'd rather not do, since I don't want people over hearing/knowing I'm trans.

Hi Shana-chan,

Obviously you are new to this. Therefore I suggest you take charge of your life ( before someone else does) and take responsibility for it. Contact your local TG / PFLAG whatever organization and seek professional assistance from this exercise. You'll learn a lot from it.

Discrimination in the workplace is serious business. You don't need your boss sacking you just because you may represent a "too hard basket" case for him.

Transitioning is not a "do it yourself" style procedure. Nor is it a Robinson Crusoe deal whereby you go it alone. Seek professional help from a TG organization, learn from it, as there are going to be a lot more of this type of dealing as you move through the trannsition journey. There are no shortcuts or easy ways to transition, and it's going to cost heaps. So you'll need a good job to afford it all.

The quicker you learn the quicker you transition.

Bat wishes
Catherine