or is it exam stress? idk. i've been feeling so down and stressed for a few days now, which is very much not like normal me. the thing is, i have this highly important exam in coming august. my performance in it is gonna decide what i'm gonna end up as. i need to do well in that cos then only i'll get to enter the uni, and get a good job so that i'd be able to afford my transition someday in future. while the situation is so, i can't find the motivation to study. i've never had much motivation to study, basically bcos all this time it's felt like i'm doing all this for somebody else, namely the body which hosts my mind. that's not me so why should i care? but this time the exam can decide whether i finally get to be myself or not. still i can't find the motivation. for the first time in my academic life i made a study timetable today, but here i am, lying in bed and daydreaming. so i decided i should tell you guys. please help me lift my spirits. say something to make me get up and do something productive

Get your ass out of bed! 

Hugs, Devlyn

too bad i have to stick to the 1000 characters per document rule of my phone.
the results of this year's exam came this week, and everybody's giving me 'you're next' comments. that's why i'm suddenly disturbed. still, even if i'm not stressed i seriously need to work way hard. i know i'm not doing enough. i've been trying my luck at semester tests and my grades are not so bad. so teachers and everyone else think i'm working well, and are expecting me to do well at the exam. their expectations hurt. i hate competitions. the awareness that i'm in a race alone cripples me mentally and physically. all i can do is lie down and daydream about transition. i need to get off the feeling that i'm doing these studies for someone else. it's a 2 and half yr course and 2yrs have gone by now, and i've done very little in the past years. i need to move on and work hard at least in the remaining months. arghh! it feels like a nightmare now. i want to escape!

Maybe change your perspective a little, and see the studying as a chance to experience actually being yourself, doing something to finally be free.

You say you feel like you're doing it for someone else, someone who isn't you, and that makes you apathetic towards it. But, as you also say, this is the opportunity to actually allow you to become the real you. So, make a commitment to yourself that while ever you're studying, you're actually being yourself - preparing for the life you want to live. See it as an opportunity to ignore the anatomy, and use the important part of yourself. Your mind. To achieve what you want to achieve. Instead of seeing it as doing it for someone else, see it as doing it as the real you.

You may find you enjoy it more. An opportunity to free your mind and explore what it, and you, are capable of. See it as a step in your transition, not a step towards it.

Some tips: Study for about 20 minute increments. Make sure you understand it and, if not, ask for help. Read your notes out loud. Think about what you've studied without looking at your notes. See how much you can remember. Re-examine the stuff you can't and try again. Make cheat sheets (to study from, not to cheat from). Read over your notes before you go to bed and go over them again when you wake up. Get enough sleep. Eat breakfast, eat enough, and eat healthy stuff. Reward yourself. Take some time once in awhile to not think about it.
That stuff helps me anyway. I have discipline issues when it comes to studying as well.