Hello everyone,

How have you dealt with your parents refusing to call you by your preferred name?  Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and I'm grateful that they've helped me out when I was unemployed recently and allowed me to come over to their house for the first time this year for thanksgiving and christmas after transitioning but they keep calling me by my old name and I can't stand it! I've been living full time as a woman for 14 months and been on hormones for 14 months yet they won't use my preferred pronouns and name. They don't even want me to tell my cousins or aunts and uncles or any other family member that I'm trans. At least my friends, my sister and coworkers use my preferred name but it really hurts that my parents won't call me Ida. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did you deal with it?

First, your picture is ADORABLE so I don't see how they could NOT use your name. Second, some will never accept it. That is the harsh reality. My parents do not talk to me at all now, so I suppose you are fortunate to have some kind of relationship with them. Give them some more time and hopefully some day they will see what we do that you really are Cute Ida. 

I'm sorry. It might take a long time. Like Jessica said, you're still talking to them, give it more time.

14 months full time, and they're still not onboard?
Hmm, sounds hinky to me. Doesn't give them an excuse though. You're clearly presenting as Ida, so it shouldn't be a matter of denial or non-acceptance. You're clearly Ida, and there's no changing that, not even for your family.

It just sounds like they're warping things a little too far. Sit down with them, have a talk. Ask politely for them to use your name and pronouns correctly, and if they say no, ask them why not. It probably won't be a good reason.
I think that's probably the best course of action.

Mmm just for encouragement. I had my family over for Christmas and it was great, very nice. One sister in law mis-pronouns me and miss names me.

I started the morning with coffee and tea depending on preference. I then said.

My name is Cindy, I'm female, you use female pronouns to me. If you can't cope with that I love you but you can leave now.

I'll go make the coffee if you are here when I bring it back I presume you accept me.

Went really well

My brother in law was the only male present and acted as one, but I liked that as well!! Ribald jokes an all!!

I think people learned a lesson in acceptance.

Perhaps Christmas Day is not the best day to have that discussion...

It sounds like a step in the right direction that you were invited.

It's been a great Christmas, except not one family member used my preferred name or the right pronouns despite me being full time and having legally changed my name.

They've had a year to come to grips with my transition and my real name and identity. It feels so disrespectful, hurtful, and shows that they don't accept me.

While I'll make allowances for my mother for now, there's a line in the sand for everyone else.

Quote from: Cute Ida on December 25, 2013, 02:28:35 AM
Hello everyone,

How have you dealt with your parents refusing to call you by your preferred name?  Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and I'm grateful that they've helped me out when I was unemployed recently and allowed me to come over to their house for the first time this year for thanksgiving and christmas after transitioning but they keep calling me by my old name and I can't stand it! I've been living full time as a woman for 14 months and been on hormones for 14 months yet they won't use my preferred pronouns and name. They don't even want me to tell my cousins or aunts and uncles or any other family member that I'm trans. At least my friends, my sister and coworkers use my preferred name but it really hurts that my parents won't call me Ida. Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did you deal with it?

Love is not always a two way street.

You can love them 100% but, if they simply refuse to accept your new name and the fact you are not the gender they use, then it is not a 100% reciprocation and no amount of convenient financial aid is going to be sufficient to cover for that. The fact they want it kept secret is proof positive they are ashamed of you. No I am not sugar coating it. I don't know you, it is just an opinion. Take it as nothing more than that.

But that is how I see it.

Sometimes you need to force people to accept, that their lack of acceptance might have severe repercussions. How would they like being told they show less love for you than mere co workers? Hey if a co worker can do it, they have no reason to be less than a co worker.

Stop dancing around the truth.
If they won't call you Ida, it's because they don't want Ida, they want the other person.
That's basically telling you they don't want YOU.

Are you willing to deal with that?

Being a stroppy and somewhat impatient mare I gave people 6 months to stop being wazzocks and then cut off any contact if that was too difficult for them. I am amazed you have made it as far as fourteen months, I would have let rip with both barrels of verbal long ago.

Rosie

I had that problem with my adopted mom. Even after transition and SRS she continued using my old name. After a year, I simply stopped responding to my old name. If it was on the phone, I would hang up on her and if it was on the envelope of a  letter, I would send it back, unopened, and marked "Nobody here by that name". She eventually stopped using my old name and referred to me by the city in which I lived right up until her death - stubborn woman!

my mother called me by Teela (my legal name since fall) almost all year, then for christmas mailed me cards and presents under my old name thor, and she even but my old last name on it also.  Kinda hurt it was a low blow, my grandma doesnt know im trans, and she lives with them, so im wondering if everything got packed in her presence and my mother didnt want grams asking questions.  either way it hurt

Quote from: Northern Jane on December 25, 2013, 07:34:29 AM
I had that problem with my adopted mom. Even after transition and SRS she continued using my old name. After a year, I simply stopped responding to my old name. If it was on the phone, I would hang up on her and if it was on the envelope of a  letter, I would send it back, unopened, and marked "Nobody here by that name". She eventually stopped using my old name and referred to me by the city in which I lived right up until her death - stubborn woman!

hey sometimes it works out,  I got no idea what Ewen (pronounced you- win)means but its the town I used to live in, one of my college friends calls me it cause he thinks teela sounds weird lol

I'd say that if they're not using your name, then they must be talking to somebody else.  So if they say "<old name> can you come help with something?" then you shouldn't even react since they're not talking to you!

I haven't settled on a name yet, but they call me by the unisex version of my name a lot.  However, I was always called that before I even came out.  As for pronouns, no they don't use them.  I'll have to deal with the fact that they may never adjust to it.  While I haven't pushed it, I really would like them to try.  That would be quite a Christmas gift. 

By the way, I'm sorry you're family isn't adjusting.  It's not fair to you, especially since it's been so long. 

My legal full birthname is Phoenix Allyda Gene Blackwolf Anderson. Sorry it's a mouthful I know but that's part of being Native American. I'm lucky in with my name as it can be either girl or boy however I do have the same problem you do with the pronouns. And here's the funny part, Even while growing up if someone didn't know me they'd assume I was a girl and called me a "she." Even today it is like this but if I'm around my adoptive mother she will correct them -and that's what's embarrassing. Due to my age though most of my family are now passed with the exception of my mom. She lives in Orlando and we only communicate via letters. No phone calls or Christmas invitations, visits, etc., and I doubt there will be any due to her age which is why 5 years ago I decided it was my turn to be happy and live as who I am. I've told my neighbors I'm trans though I didn't have to and all of them except one refer to me as "she" and the one that doesn't well, I've no use for him anyway.

The truth is they may come around given more time, and they may not. However your lucky to be invited to family events. If I were you I'd hold on to that positive note and hope they'll come around in the near future but be prepared to have a heartfelt private conversation with them later on if they don't. Now during the holidays isn't the best time though for this conversation as there will be too many family members coming around. In my opinion your lucky your parents still invite you to family events. For over 17 years mine wanted nothing to do with me after I came out to them, and I'm an adoptee. I have a brother who's their biological and he won't accept me at all. When others asked My parents how I was doing they'd say "well, as you know he's different........" you know? I know this from talking to those people after the advent of facebook. When I explained to them what was going on they said "is that all? you always looked more like a girl anyway!", lol & we had a good laugh about it. Families can be funny sometimes I tell ya!

You have all my hopes they'll eventually come around.

What do I do? I don't do anything with them unless they cooperate.

My life, my rules.

Quote from: Cute Ida on December 25, 2013, 02:28:35 AM
They don't even want me to tell my cousins or aunts and uncles or any other family member that I'm trans.

14 months on HRT?  Isn't it kinda OBVIOUS to them that you're trans?
I'm sorry but this doesn't seem like a 'give it some more time' kind of situation to me.  You need to let them know that they're hurting you when they do this. Tell them it is totally unacceptable and it must change NOW.

Try misgendering and misnaming them. See how much they enjoy it. 

Quote from: GeWnYnNyNwEg on December 25, 2013, 01:02:58 PM
Try misgendering and misnaming them. See how much they enjoy it. 

I just want to warn anyone that tries this method that things can easily backfire.  When I tried to give my sister a taste of her own medicine, she started to refer to me as the transsexual instead using female pronouns.  I wouldn't try this because people really don't see things when you give it back.  Usually, they get more angry and spiteful.