Quote from: Heather on December 28, 2013, 07:39:29 AM
I'm sorry your going through this but really their is nothing you can do to make them change their mind, that is something only they can do on their own. Just focus on your living your life and as bad as it sounds either they come around on their own or they won't.
And I will let you in on the sad reality of coming out to someone just because you have surgeries take hormones and look totally like a woman doesn't mean they think your a woman in their eyes. In most peoples eyes if you were born male you'll always be male to them and nothing you say or do will ever change that belief and with family this is especially true sure their is some people out there that are not that closed minded but they are not many of them. So just concentrate on your life and your happiness don't focus on making family accept you because sadly it's as pointless as a cat chasing it's tail.

I would agree with this....but I feel its human nature and not something that's done intentionally. There are many examples of change that is hard to accept. You may have had a brother or sister-in-law that you were close too....its now hard to not see them as a relative anymore. They have gone off and remarried and you rarely see them any more.

You may have been a football coach and retired years later. People still call you coach even though your still not one....its who you were for many years.

Now your talking about someone's gender!!! wow I am in awe of the parents of trans children that have accepted them as their daughter or son in such a short time..... especially the fathers....they are at first so scared and their egos play such a huge part....it just goes to show how love plays an important part of acceptance.

These are parents!! Now you have people that have known you for years but do not share that same love....do you think they can just see you as the opposite gender in even a years time. Even if you "pass" and have integrated into society as just another female....for those who know...out of respect for you they will treat you the same as the others that don't..... but inside they really know....its not that they hate the new you...its that they remember the old you and its hard to forget.

I will say that being stealth does help....when the people who are close to you see that everyone else sees you as a woman then they eventually see the same thing. It gets to the point that they forget the old you!! This may even be something you may regret at times. I've had this feeling with my children....they at times view me as nothing more than a woman....but their are times that I may want to give them help or advice that I know from human experience that may have been from my past....but now I am a woman and it doesn't mean the same. Not sure if I worded that right...

Well, this truly is a pickle isn't it?

My personal opinion is that, given that you are dedicated to your family and sticking it out (good move, in my opinion) your best bet is one of a couple of options.

First of all, Francis has done some talking on things like this recently and, if your family is truly Catholic, perhaps they should listen to their Pontiff. If they balk, challenge them on their faith because, really, Voice of God.

Second, if this were me, I'd probably just have a discussion where I outlined that, yes, this very much is selfish in the same way that needing and paying for a root canal is selfish. It's self-motivated and self-interested but not so far as to not acknowledge their fears and concerns. Your family seems very afraid of losing social standing, or at least that's what I'm reading between the lines in your post. There's little that can be done about that but to acknowledge those fears without promising that you'll do anything to address it (it's not your place to do so). Further, I'd request a simple ban on any and all discussion of the topic in the "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all." kinda way. Explain that the statements that they're making are harmful and request that, if they can't be supportive, then as loved ones, perhaps they can at least be silent. Move forward with your transition. Ignore any attempts that are made to get in the way of it as just outcries of fear and ignorance and move forward knowing for certain that you know what you're about.

The other option could be to just slug it the hell out. It'll be a fight and you'll really need to hone your oratory skills as well as do some READING (Serrano, Bornstein, Boylan, ETC) so that you have more than just fluff to throw behind your arguments. Information is your best friend here and you'll do well to arm yourself well for a war of the words and ideas. Fortunately, the vast preponderance of the evidence is on your side and, if you have a GID therapist, taking your family to a few sessions couldn't hurt. It'll be a tough row to hoe but it might make you a better person. The risk is that the constant barrage of truths that they don't like may cause them to do things that they wouldn't normally do (disowning is a possibility that you're going to have to cope with before taking this option as well as protracted battles and a lot of struggle).

This isn't an easy road that you're on. It took a while and a lot of fighting in my family to get them to figure out that I was both sane and serious. You'll probably get there but just know that this is part of the package of being TS and that it makes us stronger or breaks us. Only you can decide on which path you're going to let happen.

Thanks everyone.  I realize that there is little I can do to change my family, but I really want to.  However, they are very aware that I'm transitioning no matter what and nothing can change that.  Even my mother has realized that her fighting is futile and she has given up trying to forcefully stop me.  No one is really under the delusion that I won't transition or that they will win nor are they threatening to kick me out or prevent me from transitioning.  They just want to break my spirit and make me cry I guess.  After all, they are angry with me and want to express that through aggression.  Still, they realize I'm doing what I'm doing and they know they can't stop me. If I must, I will leave before that happens, but for now it makes the most sense to stay and attempt to deal with everything.   Besides, things have improved to a degree.  Fighting isn't as common and the put downs I get aren't an everyday thing like the used to be.  Plus, my mom isn't threatening to kick me out anymore and has even allowed me to use her insurance policy which has saved my transition.  If I were to leave, it could be done, but it would cause me to push things back and I'm not willing to do that unless I have to absolutely do that.  I've waited too long to transition, I don't want to push it even further into my life.  So, I will have to put up with them and deal with the repercussions of my defiance.  I just wish there were a way that I could influence how they handle everything and make them supportive, though I realize that's foolish on my part.  I'll have to move foward and just hope they are won over.  And I love my family and they love me.  It may sound bleak, but I have faith.  Besides my transtion, they have been supportive and wonderful people.  Once they get used to this, I hope they will go back to being the people they once were.  And to be fair, they are much better people than my posts give credit for.  I tend to post only during the bad phases, so realize things aren't bad as it may appear.   In any case, I just wish there was a way to win over there hearts now so I felt more comfortable at home.

I just came back from my therapist and she told me that she thinks I need to ride things out because leaving isn't realistic for me.  If I'm going to transition and afford it, then I need to be smart about my finances and how I deal with everything.  She thinks leaving would be a poor move for me because it will set me back in the short term and that's not what I want.  Still, she thinks my support system is greatly lacking and needs improvement in order for me to keep feeing positive as I progress.  Apparently, the negative atmosphere at home is really taking its toll on my perception of myself and I need to augment it with positive interactions.  Her feeling is that I'll feel more confident in myself once I get more positive reinforcement from other people in place of my family and can put that against the negative interactions I've had so far.  However, I really don't have a great support system.  Sadly, I've got very few friends and most of them don't contact me often ( even when I reach out to them).  To be honest, I feel like I annoy my friends and they don't want to deal with my transition drama.  Whether it's the case or not, I feel like most see me as a pity friend, so I'm really cautious about bothering them. My love life is non existent and there is no sign of that ever improving.  Yeah, I'd love to have a boyfriend, but I just don't see it happening because I'm still early into my transition.   Even work is problematic because, even though there are supportive people there ,I don't know if my transfer will go through and am still waiting for a response (this is all due to a hiring freeze that came at the worst time).  At all angles of my life, there is little stability and support coming in.  I've just got my therapist and this forum.  So my therapist has a point that I need some positive people and stability in my life to get through the tough spots and feel better about myself and my path, but I feel like no one likes me and things haven't been going in my favor this month.   Right now, I'm feeling very vulnerable and it hurts.  In reality, I realize my therapist is right about me finding positives and expanding my support structure, it's just that I have no idea how to do it.  I suppose that's why I'm so desperate about winning my families support because I need support and I'm so used to having them be there when there is no one else.  Yet, their hostility is sometimes the reason why I'm in need of support so it's pretty ironic. 

Maybe I will need to leave in order to move forward.  Their criticism is hurting the way I view myself and thus how I confident I feel in my life (not just transitioning).  It might be the healthy thing overall, but I'd have to get off my insurance plan, find a new place without a possible destination, and be able to afford numerous bills on my own.  I just don't know how I could do all that and transition the way I planned because I want it all done (srs included) by 2015 or 2016, so I can live the rest of my life as the real me without issue and further delays.  At that point, I can leave without having my transition always looming over me. If staying at home allows me to save up all the money I need to fully transition at an early, it seems the best choice that I have, though I do realize what everyone here is saying because it's really destroying my self image and that's not good for transitioning either (or life for that matter). 

Anyway, if anyone has any further thoughts on winning over family, I'd appreciate it.  Thanks.   So far I have liked the suggestions, except education isn't for my family.  They refuse to hear/read "lgbt propaganda" or listen to my therapist who they dislike very much.  My mom went as far as to say that she'd make the best out of being a man if she had to live as one and that even gay people could just make themselves straight if they tried hard.  They are pretty stubborn about opening up and want to make this as hard as they can.  They don't want to understand or learn, so I'm dealing with people who are kickiing and screaming throughout the whole process.

P.S.  Sorry for rambling and clogging up the forum so much.  I'm feeling a lot of different emotions at the moment and just need to get it out.  Life isn't so bad and there is much for me to be happy about.  It's just that I have some weaknesses in my life that need improvement.  It will happen I'm sure.  Knowing me I'll look back on this thread and laugh at my vulnerability and negativity.  Maybe it's just one of those weeks and I need to get some sleep,lol.

I think I heard one member on this forum talk about group therapy with other transitioners , I don't know if that's the kind of support group your looking for

Ltl you are an admirable soul and sharing this ride with you for the last year has revealed to me a loving and caring family member.  You commitment to family and dedication to working things out may, however, set you up for some understandable pain and frustration.  Even from this virtual reality we can feel the longing for acceptance and loss you eloquently describe.  A bit like wearing our hearts on our sleeves?

Love does make us vulnerable and yet I would never want you or anyone to love less or cut people out of our emotional life.  The delicate dance we do is further confounded by the phenomena wherein people we try and reason with galvanize themselves with the mantle of their being "the oppressed and injured victim."  Now how did that happen, I too often ask myself.

No advice Hon, just genuine respect for a loving and caring girl.  What I can share from my old age platform is the observation of people who have lost or been tossed by family who then recreate an intentional family and circle of caring support.  IMO your love and considerate nature make you a stronger person and one very capable of making or being welcomed into a new or extended family.

LOVE MAKES A FAMILY  (yes I like bumper stickers)

I'm feeling a bit better this morning, so I want to apologize for being a bit moody and depressed yesterday.  All the drama in my life is catching up to me and I just had to vent.  Sometimes I focus on the pitfalls of my current situation and it get's me down, but I've definitely come along way with my family and life in general.  And my relationship isn't so bad with everyone.  Yesterday night, I was dog sitting with my sister and we watched "the Little Mermaid" and "Will and Grace" together (I swear I'm a straight girl and not a gay guy, lol). So, not all is bad.  Like I said, our interactions are more diverse than hostile.  We are very emotional people, so we react poorly in the moment and forget the potential impact of what we are saying.  To be fair to my sister, she's really trying hard but she's sad to lose her little brother.  My mom and I talked again because I felt we had to address my feelings.  As of now, she promised me she would watch what she said and be more aware of my feelings.  She couldn't extend support, but at least she is trying to be considerate of my feelings  (we'll see).  Also, she is considering seeing her own therapist to deal with her issues which I believe would be a great thing.  Even if it's hell at times, I have faith we'll make it through.  Family is important and I don't want to leave unless it's 100% needed.  It's nowhere near that point yet.

Quote from: stephaniec on December 28, 2013, 01:43:44 PM
I think I heard one member on this forum talk about group therapy with other transitioners , I don't know if that's the kind of support group your looking for

What my therapist means is that I need more stability and supportive people and positive things in my life.   Because everything is so emotional at home, she feels I should have a big support structure which augments the negative stuff.  That way I will feel more confident in myself and that will give me the strength to make it through everything.  The problem is my social life is a total disaster and it's hard for me to get support during the moment of need.  To be honest, besides this forum and a few friends, I feel very much on my own with my transition.  I've had help along the way from good friends, but they are very busy and I feel like I annoy them with this stuff  This forum been a great aid, but obviously there are limitations to it.  And these aspects, I'm pretty much on my own when dealing with everything that comes up.  My therapist feels having people that create a more postive atmosphere and a more positive environment in my life that will boast my morale andl help my self perception. It's her opinion that I'm very negative and hard on myself with my transition because I don't have much positive reinforcement or a stable environment to develop a healthier self esteem.  So, she wants me to start developing a stronger support structure by meeting new supportive people and building a social circle which should help with confidence. However, I really don't have a starting point as my social life doesn't really exist.  I feel like people don't like me and no one would want to be around or talk to me even if I tried.  Because I feel like that, I really don't know how to strengthen my support structure.  Her suggestion is to start being more social with the lgbt community and to get out and do new things and meet new accepting/supportive people.  But I'm really not good at this stuff and it's difficult for me to know what to do. 

In any event, despite my hardships, I'll get there one day.  Hey it used to be so much worse than this, so I can only keep going forward.  It's not always easy, but l'll make it through and succeed in my transition and keep improving the short comings in my life. 

do you go to callen lorde LTL? If not why? You'd havw much more money to make friends and move out if you went there. And moving out is the only way. If ur mom flips out that bad from wearing a bra what happens a year from now when you need one and are shaped like a woman and have to present? Start saving now and go to callen lorde. Hell you could meet people there. BTW before you so you can't you will want to change it to won't. I think the thing that will help you most is leaving your comfy zone. How often do you do that?

You have considered this, so ignore me if you already discarded the idea.  But ... stop into the LGBT Resource Center at the University.  You'll be surprised at how many people contact or visit them.  My old school (40 years ago) now has a house on campus that the university kind of built itself around, and they turned it into a LGBT Resource Center.  It's open to anyone (student or not), and they sponsor activities and group discussions.  I used the the Center at Michigan Tech as a way to get to know the trans community a little more when I spent the summer up there this year.  These centers are a great place to start getting involved with other trans individuals, and since it's "at school" all your family will know is that you're on campus.

Take care and have a great New Year in your growth and as a woman.  K

Quote from: Joanna Dark on December 29, 2013, 08:46:18 AM
do you go to callen lorde LTL? If not why? You'd havw much more money to make friends and move out if you went there. And moving out is the only way. If ur mom flips out that bad from wearing a bra what happens a year from now when you need one and are shaped like a woman and have to present? Start saving now and go to callen lorde. Hell you could meet people there. BTW before you so you can't you will want to change it to won't. I think the thing that will help you most is leaving your comfy zone. How often do you do that?

Well, the bra is absolutely needed at this point.  While I haven't been on hormones for too long, I have noticeable breasts at this point and everyone seems to see it.  In fact, both of my sisters pulled me aside at different points to tell me that I need to wear one.  That's one of the things my mom struggles with because my chest is no longer male in any form and I'm not really fooling anyone anymore.  She's been able to deal with it without saying anything (and I've caught her looking without saying anything) but I guess it just snapped at that moment.   I'm guessing it was a culmination of all the pent up frustration with the changes mixed in with the holiday blues.  Still, it's better than where I started with my family. Honestly, she's been handling it quite well because there have been major changes in my appearance the past two months and she's dealt with it.  While she isn't happy with it and will tell me that, she's been a lot better than she used to be.  It was just a really bad week for all of us and it's difficult for her to lose her "baby boy" as she puts it.  Holidays can bring that stuff out.  All families will have issues, so I try to understand.  The only thing is I want her to come to accept and understand it, but that isn't happening even though shes been tolerating it to a degree.  That's what irritates me and that's why I want to get them to accept everything.  I'm soon going to be wearing only female clothing in my house, so we will see where it goes from here.  Once I go part time, we'll see how she deals with it.

If I have to leave, I can and will, but it's not so bad despite the tense nature of my home.  At the moment, I don't really make all that much (though it's not so bad either), so staying at home provides me with cheap rent and a means to save for SRS and possibly rhinoplasty (as well as grad school which I still hope to do at some point after my finances are more stable and my life is on track).  I can move out with my current income, but it would set my plans further back and that's the last thing I want to do.  To be honest, I want this transition to only go on for so long and then just move on with my life and to me living at home allows me to invest into my future.  Even though it's possible to move, I'd spend most of my income on bills and rent (even with a roomate).   I live in a very expensive area, and I can't go too far because I need to be within driving distance from my job.  Of course, this is all assuming my promotion will go through despite the hiring freeze issues which I'm fairly confident it will.  So, I can move and still do everything, but it will take me more time and I'll have to focus on getting by everyday instead of investing in my future.

Callen Lorde is a bit of a distance from where I live.  While I could get over there, I would need the full day free to get there and back.  Nonetheless, I could check it out on a weekend.  I probably should do that in order to meet people and strengthen my support structure.   I'm sure they have activities and support groups I could check out. What do you mean about saving?  I'm confused on how I'd save money from going to Callen Lorde.  Right now my hormones, blood work, therapist and endo are all covered by my insurance and I have no co-pay.  Seriously, my current transition costs are $0 for the basic stuff, so I'm seriously lucky (that's not to say that I don't have many other expenses though).  This is thanks to my mother who allowed me to go on her plan and pay minimal rent at home.  Again, she's against my transition, but she does love me and wants to make sure I do everything safely.  It's more complex than it appears which is my fault because I usually post about family when they freak out on me.  The thing is though when she freaks out she really freaks out and says some of the worst things you can imagine about me (like really messed up stuff).  Of course, that hurts me and leaves me feeling like crap, but it could be worse.

Quote from: kathyk on December 29, 2013, 10:56:45 AM
You have considered this, so ignore me if you already discarded the idea.  But ... stop into the LGBT Resource Center at the University.  You'll be surprised at how many people contact or visit them.  My old school (40 years ago) now has a house on campus that the university kind of built itself around, and they turned it into a LGBT Resource Center.  It's open to anyone (student or not), and they sponsor activities and group discussions.  I used the the Center at Michigan Tech as a way to get to know the trans community a little more when I spent the summer up there this year.  These centers are a great place to start getting involved with other trans individuals, and since it's "at school" all your family will know is that you're on campus.

Take care and have a great New Year in your growth and as a woman.  K

Yeah, going to lgbt centers is a good idea.  I've been to one near me a few times with friends, but I haven't been there in a while and never went alone.  I really do need to go back as my therapist keeps encouraging me to do so.  I'm going to go to the next meeting they have and put myself out there. I've been scared and shy about this for too long. 

Quote from: kathyk on December 28, 2013, 09:13:18 AM
Please don't dislike me for saying what needs to be said in these paragraphs.

You can try to help them understand, but there really is noting more you can do if they don't or can't accept you and your transition.  Just tell them you love them, and let them go because the more you try to adjust your life to placate them the less you are as a person.  Remember, they've got their own beliefs and feelings, and they may never see the true and authentic person you have to be, or that you will become. 

You know I've had the same problem with my sons, two of my brothers, and almost all my cousins or distant relatives.  Even though it means loosing them, I finally had to let them think and feel what they wanted without my concern.  That meant not changing what I had to do, or setting aside my needs to fix their problems.  I don't argue with them, and if they can't accept me it's their problem now, not mine.  And I'm terribly sorry to tell you this, but you'll have to do the same.  Taking this step may seem irrational, misguided, and coldly selfish, but it opens the door to your own self worth.  It'll hurt, you're going to cry about it, and you'll think about them from time to time with wishes of having them back in your life.  But they may never come back to you.

In varying degrees our family members have contact with us.  And a few of us are very lucky to have wonderfully open and loving families that grace us with open arms.  But for most (including me) that not always the case, and the outcome for those family members who reject our transition has almost always been an empty separation. 

In transition there's chains holding us back.  But we all eventually find ways of breaking them, and we escape the self imposed prison that holds us.   

Hug hun. 
K

thanks for sharing

Quote from: learningtolive on December 28, 2013, 06:06:26 AM
Then I was told I'm selfish and that I'm putting everyone's life at risk

I'm trying to comprehend the logic behind this?   How are you possibly putting everyone's life at risk?
Doesn't make sense to me?

- How did you get your family to accept and tolerate your transition?
   I was just myself for long enough that they got used to it. Not only that, but they saw my happiness skyrocket and I finally was following through on my commitments. Transition made me a better person, and they couldn't deny it.

- If they were angry and totally against it, was there anything that helped ameliorate the situation?  Anyway to get them to support you, or at the very least understand the situation.
Be smart about the fights you pick. In fact it's best that you act like the stable one here and let THEM realise they are the ones acting irrationally. Bring no harm to them, no fighting...but be peacefully ADAMANT about who you are. They cannot deny that. I made it clear that I was going to transition WITH OR WITHOUT THEM.

- What are some missteps that you would advise against?

Don't get violent or argumentative it will set you back. Show them that you are in a sound state of mind and that you are very serious about this. Now is the time to show your parents that YOU are sure of who you are and that YOU can be more of an adult about this than they are!

- For those that live in the same vicinity with their family, is there a way to keep everyone comfortable and okay without compromising your own comfort?

In my experience: NO; trying to keep everyone comfortable was the worst thing I could do. It's impossible. Yes you will face unfair treatment, but you must be stronger. I decided early on that if I lose some family members due to their own ignorance, then so be it. In the end they all cam around. BTW my mother is Catholic and she came around.

- Is there any way to get them on your side and to get them to embrace what you are doing?

Use actions, not words. Be an unstoppable force that is not subject to bad opinions and expectations. Let them know this is not just a phase by remaining true to yourself. Don't waiver or seem inconsistent (this is why you cant please everyone). You need to let them see that you aren't crazy, and that the lie was your PAST, not your future.

-  If they were unwilling to educate themselves and didn't want to know about the transgender community, was there anything that helped them understand indirectly?


OMG I tried and tried to educate my parents without much initial success. I left articles I found laying about the house. I gave some to my father and mother. Their attitude was "OK now I know you're transgender and that's all that matters, so why do I need to read this?" I think after a while they must have begun to look things up on their own because one time in public my Dad vehemently defended me from a woman who insulted me...he began citing "all of the things we go through and the pain" and I know he must have read that on his own. Things started to change eventually. They saw what I was standing up to, and they decided I think they'd rather be in their child's corner to be there rather than to work against me.

- If you had anything to teach someone early in their transition about family, what would you tell them?

I had a sit-down talk with my parents to let them know I was serious. I was very calm and mature...I told them about how much went on behind their backs, and that this was not something new to me...just new to them. I let them know that their worst fears and worries about me transitioning would be better than the option of me NOT transitioning. It would have killed me. I rebutted their accusation that I was being selfish by explaining that the TRULY selfish behaviour is not allowing someone to be themselves. You are not being selfish, they are! This had never even occurred to my parents. You have an inherent right to BE YOURSELF, and when they see you are happier any good parent will know it's for the better.

When your parents had kids they surely wondered/speculated what their children would be like. Now they know! Don't apologise to them for not fitting into the pre-defined visions they may have had.

Hope I helped! Biggest tip, and you've heard it before: Time! It takes TIME for them to think and re-assess their age-old belief system just like it takes so many of us time to overcome the same thing.

Quote from: JordanBlue on December 29, 2013, 12:46:38 PM
I'm trying to comprehend the logic behind this?   How are you possibly putting everyone's life at risk?
Doesn't make sense to me?

My family is under the impression that the world hates lgbt people and bigots will target us and our families.  While lgbt violence is a legitimate concern, they really are exaggerating the reality of the situation.  In my mom's mind, I'm very likely to get violently assaulted, raped or even killed for being trans.  And since I live with my mother and sister, they are also at great risk.  Yeah, there are bigots, but it's not like we live in hate town usa which is how she is acting. These are the fear tactics I hear when I talk about my transition and they refuse to actually learn about what's really going on because they'd rather dream up some terrifying delusions to scare me into doing "the right thing". Some member of my family are a bit paranoid and very distrustful of other people which has been passed on to me and why I'm so afraid of society overall.  To be fair, my mother didn't have the greatest childhood and she always wanted to protect me and my sisters from the evils of the world and from getting hurt.  Sadly, there are things that happened in my life which has made her feel she's failed (any mother would have under the impossible standards she created for herself).  Of course, she can't blame herself for those things and she needs to let go a bit and let us all live. The whole problem is that she doesn't know how to do that and my transition has only made her try to tighten her grip.  I truly love my mother, but she needs to let me live my life and be free instead of convincing me to fear my dreams in order to maintain control.  At the end of the day, I'm her youngest child and she's simply afraid of losing me in many different ways.  This is why I feel therapy will do us all good.  Once she can stop being so overprotective and can simply let go than we both will have healthier lives and a better relationship to show for it.  I have faith we will get there even if there will inevitably be more fights and emotional brawls before we reach that point. 

Sorry for all these long posts today.  I'm in an introspective mood.

Quote from: MiaOhMya! on December 29, 2013, 01:18:00 PM
- How did you get your family to accept and tolerate your transition?
   I was just myself for long enough that they got used to it. Not only that, but they saw my happiness skyrocket and I finally was following through on my commitments. Transition made me a better person, and they couldn't deny it.

- If they were angry and totally against it, was there anything that helped ameliorate the situation?  Anyway to get them to support you, or at the very least understand the situation.
Be smart about the fights you pick. In fact it's best that you act like the stable one here and let THEM realise they are the ones acting irrationally. Bring no harm to them, no fighting...but be peacefully ADAMANT about who you are. They cannot deny that. I made it clear that I was going to transition WITH OR WITHOUT THEM.

- What are some missteps that you would advise against?

Don't get violent or argumentative it will set you back. Show them that you are in a sound state of mind and that you are very serious about this. Now is the time to show your parents that YOU are sure of who you are and that YOU can be more of an adult about this than they are!

- For those that live in the same vicinity with their family, is there a way to keep everyone comfortable and okay without compromising your own comfort?

In my experience: NO; trying to keep everyone comfortable was the worst thing I could do. It's impossible. Yes you will face unfair treatment, but you must be stronger. I decided early on that if I lose some family members due to their own ignorance, then so be it. In the end they all cam around. BTW my mother is Catholic and she came around.

- Is there any way to get them on your side and to get them to embrace what you are doing?

Use actions, not words. Be an unstoppable force that is not subject to bad opinions and expectations. Let them know this is not just a phase by remaining true to yourself. Don't waiver or seem inconsistent (this is why you cant please everyone). You need to let them see that you aren't crazy, and that the lie was your PAST, not your future.

-  If they were unwilling to educate themselves and didn't want to know about the transgender community, was there anything that helped them understand indirectly?


OMG I tried and tried to educate my parents without much initial success. I left articles I found laying about the house. I gave some to my father and mother. Their attitude was "OK now I know you're transgender and that's all that matters, so why do I need to read this?" I think after a while they must have begun to look things up on their own because one time in public my Dad vehemently defended me from a woman who insulted me...he began citing "all of the things we go through and the pain" and I know he must have read that on his own. Things started to change eventually. They saw what I was standing up to, and they decided I think they'd rather be in their child's corner to be there rather than to work against me.

- If you had anything to teach someone early in their transition about family, what would you tell them?

I had a sit-down talk with my parents to let them know I was serious. I was very calm and mature...I told them about how much went on behind their backs, and that this was not something new to me...just new to them. I let them know that their worst fears and worries about me transitioning would be better than the option of me NOT transitioning. It would have killed me. I rebutted their accusation that I was being selfish by explaining that the TRULY selfish behaviour is not allowing someone to be themselves. You are not being selfish, they are! This had never even occurred to my parents. You have an inherent right to BE YOURSELF, and when they see you are happier any good parent will know it's for the better.

When your parents had kids they surely wondered/speculated what their children would be like. Now they know! Don't apologise to them for not fitting into the pre-defined visions they may have had.

Hope I helped! Biggest tip, and you've heard it before: Time! It takes TIME for them to think and re-assess their age-old belief system just like it takes so many of us time to overcome the same thing.

Thank you!  This was all very helpful.

I was lucky, mum did most of the hard work.
She explained to all of my family what was going on and told them if they didn't support it, they'll never see us again.

I was welcomed with open arms.

I think what also helped was I dressed down for a long time around my family.