Every time that I talk to my mother she keeps telling me that she thinks I should not transition and accept that I am female. I am wondering if anyone has any advice as to how I can get it in her head that transitioning is essential to my well being. I have tried explaining and talking to her about how I feel. I am wondering if maybe I am just not wording something right because I cannot understand how she isn't getting that I have to transition.

Quote from: Caleb18 on January 01, 2014, 01:42:23 PM
Every time that I talk to my mother she keeps telling me that she thinks I should not transition and accept that I am female. I am wondering if anyone has any advice as to how I can get it in her head that transitioning is essential to my well being. I have tried explaining and talking to her about how I feel. I am wondering if maybe I am just not wording something right because I cannot understand how she isn't getting that I have to transition.

You may have a female body, but if you are gender dysphoric, it is because you have a masculine brain.40% of the transgender population attempts suicide at least once.  Too many are successful.

Perhaps a joint session with a gender therapist to explain the issues to her would help.

Quote from: Caleb18 on January 01, 2014, 01:42:23 PM
Every time that I talk to my mother she keeps telling me that she thinks I should not transition and accept that I am female. I am wondering if anyone has any advice as to how I can get it in her head that transitioning is essential to my well being. I have tried explaining and talking to her about how I feel. I am wondering if maybe I am just not wording something right because I cannot understand how she isn't getting that I have to transition.

How long has it been since you came out to her?

I came out as lesbian about exactly one year ago. I came out as transgender during Thanksgiving.

I came out early October to my Parents and mid November to my sister and her husband. I put up with the same thing every time I talk to my mom or sister or see them in person. Every time it's the same things, you never acted like a girl when you were young. "I didn't because FEAR was instilled into me at a very young age of why you don't act different". You were born male and that's what god made you so be a good Christian... You never dated much, if you have a heterosexual relationship and get married then you won't feel that way... Being a woman is no fun at all... The worst of all, you have no idea how you are feeling or what you are thinking. We know better than you....

I have tried every possible angle to get them to understand and you know what? It doesn't matter what I say at this point because THEY are stuck in their own thinking of what will people think of them if they are seen with me. I pass decently well for being very early in my transition but they can't get past their hang-ups. I have tried everything under the sun minus an attempt on my life which I DO NOT SUGGEST YOU DO OR EVEN SAY YOU WOULD! They like us have to come to terms with everything and in my case it's their belief system that is the cause of the majority of their problems with my transition. I hope that soon they will but if they don't I have zero plans to stop my transition just to keep THEM happy and make myself desperately miserable in the process. Which was a question that was asked to me is that if they rejected me would I have just stayed the way I was so I could still be around them. They didn't like my answer because I said it with the fullest of confidence and truth that I would continue on without them because this is what I have to do for my own happiness, sanity and my life.

Her own acceptance to everything that is happening is probably her hang-up. So I would do what YOU want to do and let things fall where they may because at the end of the day YOU have to live your life and they simply can't live it for you.

Sorry Caleb.  My mom's the same.  She tells me that she'd make the best of being a man if she were born that way.  Of course she's deceiving herself because I asked her to dress and present as male for a week which she refused.  If it's not such a big deal, why can't she do it?  Because it's terrible to be in the wrong body and have dysphoria. She knows it.  I'm sorry you are going through this and hope she'll come around.

Quote from: Caleb18 on January 01, 2014, 02:00:57 PM
I came out as lesbian about exactly one year ago. I came out as transgender during Thanksgiving.

That's not that long ago. My mother is finally starting to come around and it's been about eight months since I came out to her. It's going to take some time. I doubt any amount of convincing will help until the initial shock wears off. I'd save your best arguments for transitioning for when she's thinking a little more clearly about it and it's not so fresh. How old are you? I'm 23 and have been on my own for a couple of years, which helps.

Thanks for the help so far everyone.
I am 18 years old and turned 18 in October
I definitely get that she needs time, but it's starting to get annoying when she tells me things like "I am killing her". I do plan to just go ahead and continue with my transition. In fact, I saw a guy on here who I really need to PM sometime. He's a doctor and FTM (gosh I want to be like him). She's always been really paranoid about everything (my grandparents are even worse). I wasn't even allowed to leave the house without her until last year.

Oh, boy... my fiance's mother says and does the same things. It's manipulation. Call her out on that. I would even go so far as to say that a parent is supposed to be selfless, and that real love wouldn't put her desires ahead of yours. May be a little harsh, but I've seen what that kind of manipulation can do between a mother and her adult child, and it's not OK. Move out ASAP if you haven't already. Get to another state if you can, start fresh, put some distance between you for the sake of your relationship. Really. I have experience with this, not as the person with a controlling mother but as the partner of someone who does.

Quote from: Caleb18 on January 01, 2014, 02:19:23 PM
Thanks for the help so far everyone.
I am 18 years old and turned 18 in October
I definitely get that she needs time, but it's starting to get annoying when she tells me things like "I am killing her". I do plan to just go ahead and continue with my transition. In fact, I saw a guy on here who I really need to PM sometime. He's a doctor and FTM (gosh I want to be like him). She's always been really paranoid about everything (my grandparents are even worse). I wasn't even allowed to leave the house without her until last year.

Believe me, I know what it's like to have an overprotective mother (to the point of insanity sometimes).  Whenever I leave the house at night, I get at least 5-10 texts checking up on me to make sure I'm safe.  She once called the cops because she thought I was abducted by a black suv when in reality I went out for coffee and came back 5 minutes later.  To be fair, that one happened the day after a major hurricane and she was worried, still I hear you on paranoid family members that are overly protective and controlling.   

If she is really attached and cautious with you, it may take her some time to emotionally accept everything.  Our families transition along with us and it takes time for them to reach an accepting or comfortable spot (sometimes they don't even get there).  If she is really attached to you like mine, I'd suggest family counselling or maybe having your mother go separately so she can learn how to accept her child is an adult and has freedom and privacy without needing her permission.  Don't let anyone control you even if they are used to doing that.  You have to liive for yourself. 

It's still new to her. It sounds like she loves you and is afraid for your future. I went through the same with my own mom. I told her at 18, I am 32 now, and she still tells me I could change my mind about all of this. I ask her if she has looked at me lately, but some mamas never give up, lol.

I say that moving out isn't the answer. That is what I did. That is why at 32 years old I am just starting to get everything done. Trust me, life in your twenties will be hard enough just trying to make ends meet with bills. Trying to maintain a vehicle, pay rent, electricity, water, trash, food, etc is going to be hard without a College education. A College education gets harder to achieve once you're on your own and more worried about keeping a roof over your head. Then there's the dead end jobs or the roommates who don't pay their fair share.

What I am telling you all of this for is to think of the bigger picture. I understand you want to transition now and you want full acceptance now, but realize this takes time. Your mom has had barely over a month to digest the fact that she thought she raised a daughter who is really her son. Mama's mind is blown right now, lol. Give her some time and then ease her into it. In the meantime work on your education (if you're not already) because life isn't cheap...and neither is medical transition. Stay at home as long as you can and save money. The more money you can get under your belt to use for medical transition once you are ready to be on your own then the easier all of this will be for you.

Quote from: Simon on January 01, 2014, 03:22:53 PM
It's still new to her. It sounds like she loves you and is afraid for your future. I went through the same with my own mom. I told her at 18, I am 32 now, and she still tells me I could change my mind about all of this. I ask her if she has looked at me lately, but some mamas never give up, lol.

I say that moving out isn't the answer. That is what I did. That is why at 32 years old I am just starting to get everything done. Trust me, life in your twenties will be hard enough just trying to make ends meet with bills. Trying to maintain a vehicle, pay rent, electricity, water, trash, food, etc is going to be hard without a College education. A College education gets harder to achieve once you're on your own and more worried about keeping a roof over your head. Then there's the dead end jobs or the roommates who don't pay their fair share.

What I am telling you all of this for is to think of the bigger picture. I understand you want to transition now and you want full acceptance now, but realize this takes time. Your mom has had barely over a month to digest the fact that she thought she raised a daughter who is really her son. Mama's mind is blown right now, lol. Give her some time and then ease her into it. In the meantime work on your education (if you're not already) because life isn't cheap...and neither is medical transition. Stay at home as long as you can and save money. The more money you can get under your belt to use for medical transition once you are ready to be on your own then the easier all of this will be for you.

Yeah I know what you mean. I am in college right now. I just finished my first semester. Honestly, college isn't a problem cause I am going to school with a full scholarship. I don't think I want to move out now. I just might not come home for Christmas/summer. I am thinking about switching my insurance so that they will pay for my transition. (I really don't want to pay for it). The only reason waiting kills me is because I don't want to lose my chance to grow some more, and I don't want my hips to get bigger.

Quote from: Caleb18 on January 02, 2014, 09:00:40 AM
Yeah I know what you mean. I am in college right now. I just finished my first semester. Honestly, college isn't a problem cause I am going to school with a full scholarship. I don't think I want to move out now. I just might not come home for Christmas/summer. I am thinking about switching my insurance so that they will pay for my transition. (I really don't want to pay for it). The only reason waiting kills me is because I don't want to lose my chance to grow some more, and I don't want my hips to get bigger.

Good luck with everything.  Keep studying hard in college and you will be where you want to be in time. 

Just so you know, you're parents can't use their insurance to discriminate against certain forms of treatment if you are on the policy.  Coverage is determined by the insurance company themselves based on your policy.  Your parents can't refuse certain treatments if you are on the policy, though they will get the e.o.b.s and discover what your doing if you have their insurance.  And they could remove you from their policy altogether.