What am I, who am I?

I hardly know..

Sometimes I feel masculine. I walk down the streets, I wear male clothing, I am driving. I frequently feel masculine and I don't question myself. But then I go to bed and the thought keeps entering my mind.. why can't I be a girl?.. and.. why do I want to be a girl?. Is there a battle inside me? No, I don't experience it like that. All that I think and feel is part of me and I have accepted that now. Yet, it provides me no answer as to who I am, and how serious these thoughts and desires are..

I wonder, why do I keep having those thoughts? If I am often fine with being a man, why do these thoughts haunt me over and over again..?!!! There are times when I hardly have them, sometimes even for months. But it always comes back!! And then I wish I was a girl. Then I want to put on feminine clothes and make up, and I long for more. But at the same time I look in the
mirror.. I see masculine characteristics, it is all too clear. And then I think again.. what are you fantasizing about? You're just a man with a strange narcissistic fantasy! You don't even talk or behave in a manner like women do! There are plenty of men who are more feminine than you! You're just kidding yourself! Dream on..!

The fact that I find it socially easier with man than woman is one of the main reasons I think I could be kidding myself. If it would all be really serious, wouldn't I have an easier time to find connection with woman? I can live my life as a man.. I can manage it. Yet I always notice I envy women. Perhaps I am even jealous. I also strongly believe that had I been a woman I would have everything I have now, plus more. But going too far down the feminine route as a man just doesn't feel right. I would love to wake up and go outside as a woman. But with the body of a man and all too clear masculine characteristics, like facial things and broad shoulders, it just isn't an option to be ''more feminine'' outwardly. It only makes me realize about what I am not, and it makes me feel even more lost. It makes me realize what I long to be.. what I hope to be if there is something like a next life or a heaven. A dream.. just a dream. Looking in the mirror and seeing a real woman.. realizing that the movement you see in the mirror is your own movement. I daydream about it. I can live as a man, yet at the same time I wished this was all different.

I really don't know who I am. I feel different every day. Tomorrow I might read this and feel bad about it. Or maybe I'm just a man with a feminine side and is my mind over exaggerating stuff. I honestly have no clue.. but it always comes back. I was thinking about calling the doctor in order to seek a therapist. I thought about this before but you know, when it comes in phases you start to think it's just that, a phase??? A therapist would just go crazy if he or she heard a different 'me' each time. I have never told someone else and the thought of even going to the doctor and mentioning all of this, even in a short summary, is frightening. Posting it here feels good, it helps!  Thank you for reading.

Feather, it can be hard to figure out one's own sense of self, identity, gender. Just because you feel one way one day but different the next doesn't negate anything, it just means you have a more fluid approach to expressing yourself. The concept of fixed gender roles and what each gender is and isn't supposed to like, not like, want, not want is all fairly arbitrary and you don't need to believe you have to slot in one way or the other. Your comfort or otherwise in relating to men and women likewise reveals not much about your gender orientation, just your socialisation skills. Wow, I used to be the worst when it came to talking to women during my late teen, but going to an all boys school left me with few skills in relating to women even though I really wanted to be one. Anyway, good luck trying to find what suits you...I hope it is the answer you want!

I am kinda in the same boat...Sometime I feel super male and feel fine but I feel like I did everything I possibly could to reinforce the fact that I was not a girl...but during the times when your alone in your thoughts she comes back and makes you question everything.
Iam trying to deal with this now by slowing experimenting with my fem side and seeing how far I wanna take it.
If it means giving up my macho physique for a full figure then so be it 
Better than waiting till your older and regreting not acting on these feelings when I shouldve

Quote from: Ms Grace on December 20, 2013, 09:17:36 PMThe concept of fixed gender roles and what each gender is and isn't supposed to like, not like, want, not want is all fairly arbitrary and you don't need to believe you have to slot in one way or the other.

Hi Ms Grace Happy New Year! Yeah I get what you're saying and I say to myself constantly that many things we see as feminine/masculine are partly (or largely?) just cultural. Yet I can't seem to really accept that and when I go through such a phase I cannot think fluidly.

Quote from: Shawna777 on December 20, 2013, 10:02:56 PM
I am kinda in the same boat...Sometime I feel super male and feel fine but I feel like I did everything I possibly could to reinforce the fact that I was not a girl...but during the times when your alone in your thoughts she comes back and makes you question everything.

Hi Shawna, I wish you as well a happy new year!  :)I'm insanely confused whether my experience of 'maleness' is or isn't me trying to reinforce a male image. When it comes to personality I feel I am both, but on the outside I would definitely prefer to be female. I have that every time I look in the mirror, that thought of 'what could've been' if things happened differently in the womb. Again, I can handle that but at the same time I cannot. I do know for a fact that had I looked differently physically (not a heavy voice or not 1.80m tall) or had I felt no attraction towards girls things would've been easier.

Quote from: Shawna777 on December 20, 2013, 10:02:56 PM
Iam trying to deal with this now by slowing experimenting with my fem side and seeing how far I wanna take it.
If it means giving up my macho physique for a full figure then so be it  Better than waiting till your older and regreting not acting on these feelings when I shouldve

I'm doing that as well but I also feel I'm held back. I'd love to paint my nails but then I would be ridiculed if I showed it to others.. toes are different of course. Same with wearing feminine clothes underneath male clothes, or shaving body hair. I would love to go all the way with this but at the same time I'm very much aware that even as a male I just have too much obvious 'maleness' physically and it makes things worse.

Happy New Year Feather

Your story is very similar to my own. As Ms Grace said, gender can't be adequately described in black and white. Sure, everything can be reduced to a binary explanation, but when doing so much detail is lost. I used to think of gender as a male vs female dichotomy, as I was taught to growing up. Girls do/like x and boys do/like y. There were times when, growing up as a boy, I wanted to do what the girls were doing, to hang out with them, but was told no. There were also times when I wanted to do what the boys were doing, and I received encouragement from parents and peers.

It seems to me that our greatest thinkers will come up with a great explanation of a phenomenon, but their explanation is too simple. It works for awhile, but ultimately, becomes outdated. Everything in this universe is so complex and always changing. Scientists discover "constants" and later find that their constants are changing.

Just like how the line between good and bad isn't always clear, so too with gender. We all have characteristics that can ultimately be described in terms of masculine or feminine, but in the end, what does that even mean. When one group of people see something as good, and another see it as bad, it is just like how one group of people sees something as masculine while the other sees it as feminine. Over time, we've seen things that were once masculine become feminine. (Men wore high heels, pink was for boys and blue for women...) Things that were once thought to be good are now known to be be bad, and vice-versa. (Masturbation was largely thought to be bad, now any doctor will tell you it is healthy.)

I'm a long winded rambler, I apologize, but now is when I really go into left field theory. If I have a point though, it is that for society and for some people, thinking in 2(or is that one?) dimensions is a necessity. To make things simple and easy to understand in a binary makes many people feel safe and at home. This is an illusion that they create. For us living in the real world, we know that it is never day and night, for the sun always shines on this planet. It is never masculine vs feminine, since those distinctions vary between cultures and over time. There's not much use to us over simplifying things, we see the world as it is, we go against the grain and we help to break down the rigid thought patterns that keep individuals and societies stuck in a constant state. When societies and people get stuck being constant, that is when they begin to perish. In order to survive in this universe we have to be in a constant flux, being able to adapt to changes. We must also be able to see things for how they are, not for how we want them to be.

Ok, now to get back out of left field. It sounds like you have a strong connection to your true self. The most important thing is that you are listening. You should trust your self. I have come to understand and accept things about my self, yet my mind tries to fight it. I think the mind is just trying to take the "easy way out," or just looks at the shallow and short term. It seems like my mind is under the influence of all the societal programming I've received in my life, yet my true self is above all of that stuff.

Well, I should probably stop going on and on. Know that you are not alone, that how you feel is quite common, but most people do not share their feelings, or the are so out of tune with themselves they don't even come to the realizations that you have. Ultimately, the environment and culture we live in can make our lives great or horrible. Traveling the world did wonders for me. I was able to see that the "truths" of my homelands were nothing but assumptions. The world is wonderful land of mystery and we are part of it. We shouldn't try to squeeze all the colors of the rainbow into black and white. Identifying and letting go of all the internalized stuff we ate up growing up is a process that leads to freedom. I was surprised at all the misconceptions I learned growing up that were baseless...

I said I would stop typing so I better do that :x

Again, Happy New Year, I hope 2014 is better than all your past years combined!

-jojo

im going through finding myself also.
the best thing that helped me was going to someone and just letting it all out.

It's like you got into my head, Feather, and wrote exactly what I'm feeling too.

So I can offer - not that it'll help! - my own strategy for figuring this out.

First, realize that you don't have to do anything right now.  Nothing at all.  As long as you're safe and not going to hurt yourself over this, sit back and relax.  It's confusing, but not dangerous or harmful.  You have time to figure this out.  And at times your thoughts and feelings might seem foolish or uncomfortable or whimsical or absurd or whatever, but nobody else knows.  Explore those feelings.  You're allowed to have them.  Ignoring them is the only thing that I believe will be problematic in the long run.

My plan is therapy asap.  Until I've spoken to a therapist, I'm telling nobody else in real life (not that here isn't real life too, but you know what I mean.)  I'm not coming out to the spouse, friends, family, nobody.  I'm going to use the plentiful time I have to work through this.  I might find out, through therapy, that I would be best served just living as a man and keeping all of this locked up in my head, just keeping it private.  I might find that I'd be happiest undergoing some kind of transition to female.  I might find that the best place is right in the middle, or bouncing between the two (although I think that some kind of stability would be nice).

And then once I've figured out what's going on in my head, then I can figure out how to align my body and lifestyle.  Sort the head out first, in other words, and then work on the body later.

It's all just so up in the air.  I've been keeping a diary of sorts recently, tracking these cycles of male/female I seem to go through, recording a few thoughts.  That's helped a lot, not in terms of alleviating the symptoms, but in terms of feeling like I'm doing what I can to understand them.  And as I move into therapy, these notes might be of some use.  Who knows.

But yeah, it does seem like it's plain old crazy some days.  But I guess that's what the therapists are for: providing a safe, confidential place to talk through some of this stuff so a plan can be formulated to cope with the future.

As you may be noting, you are far from alone with the feelings you have. For a very good 3-4 years I've been wrestling a lot with the "What to do?" question. The more I achieve harmony within myself it seems the more difficult it is to know what is right.

After a couple of experiments in my 20's with transitioning I decided it wasn't for me. For 3 decades I did my best to enjoy being a guy. Afterall, it wasn't all that bad. In fact, by most peoples standards, I had a great life. Four or so years ago a crises came along. After much introspection I concluded being trans and how I handled it was behind this and many other crises'. So I took on the beast.

So know I sit and wonder most days; What to do?. I gained a ton of self-esteem. Feel worthy of the good things in my life. Much happier being in my own skin. While I also learned and experience peace, joy, harmony. To have those three feelings has been requiring me to fully be Joanne. While the others do not any more place that demand on me.

Will the rest freely come, givin time? Or, to achieve true joy, happiness, and to be at peace with myself should I take things into the full time transition realm? But at what cost for those benefits? Will my life be worse overall? Can I just muddle my way through the rest of my years with the lessons I have now....mastered?

I am at a crossroads in not really knowing what to do anymore?  I've been on HRT for nearly 7 months, but the last 2-weeks, I've fell-off the daily schedule.  I curse the way that I feel right now for many reasons, one of which, due to my gender dysphoria and reaching out to others, I met a male-to-fem TG who is in the process of transitioning.  She broke-up with me after nearly 2yrs together. 

If it weren't for what I call my affliction, we would never have met and the piece-of-my-heart that went with her would still be with me.  After the breakup, I sought out a gender therapist.  A month later, I was seeing an endo-doc who prescribed HRT.

I thought I was doing the right thing.  In actuality, HRT has brought me to a place where I don't really have any urges, not to crossdress, not to either envy or become jealous of other women. I don't really care for much at this point. 

My entire life has been lived with this underlying pain.  It has cost me two marriages, lots of parent/child time with my son.  I also have to deal with codependent behavior due to my alcoholic father. 

I honestly can say that if my life would end tomorrow, I wouldn't be sad right now.  I really get discouraged with these feelings.  I honestly don't think I'll transition, and I know that I won't fill that need by any cross-dressing episode.  So here I float in space, no force to pull me either way.  It's one hell of an existence.

Feather, reading what you wrote hit so close to home for me.  Reading that was  almost as if I had written it myself.  I've been kinda going through the same thing myself for long time, and only in the past year have i really fully accepted that it's not just a phase, and coming to terms with it being ok and accepting that it's just part of who I am.  It can be very frustrating, as you probably know, going back and forth, and that part I don't know how to deal with very well yet, so I can't give much advice on that.  I do know that when I am feeling the more feminine side of myself really is at the forefront, I allow it to shine(only in private though or with my gf at moment) and it really has been rather freeing in a huge way, and the more I have allowed myself to express that sidde of myself, I find that as time has passed, I slowly have been wanting to take it a little further and further, and I get comfortable with that, then I get those moments that I'm ok for a short bit with my maleness. I think talking to a therapist might help you maybe understand yourself a little bit better, even if the thought of telling someone seems scary, the possible gains can be great. Anyways, hang in there and if you ever have any questions feel free to ask.

Quote from: jojoglowe on January 01, 2014, 10:38:23 AMJust like how the line between good and bad isn't always clear, so too with gender. We all have characteristics that can ultimately be described in terms of masculine or feminine, but in the end, what does that even mean.

Hey Jojoglowe, happy New Year! 
I agree with what you are saying. Though, while a great many things may be cultural I think there's also truth in the more fixed approach. Different physiologies generally create different outcomes in character. I read the stories about those who are on hormones and it does seem to change them, not just physically but also mentally.

Quote from: jojoglowe on January 01, 2014, 10:38:23 AMWell, I should probably stop going on and on. Know that you are not alone, that how you feel is quite common, but most people do not share their feelings, or the are so out of tune with themselves they don't even come to the realizations that you have.

I'm not so sure about that. I think it would be hard to find others who fantasize about being the other gender then they're born with. Or when seeing women around, or on tv, or looking in the mirror.. When I go through a phase like this I'm having a hard time to fall asleep, and I don't want to get out of the bed in the morning. It eats me away from the inside. Strangely, while it increases a feeling of desperation and despair it also leads to me experiencing a sense of bliss when I'm far away in my thoughts.

Quote from: jojoglowe on January 01, 2014, 10:38:23 AM
Ultimately, the environment and culture we live in can make our lives great or horrible. Traveling the world did wonders for me. I was able to see that the "truths" of my homelands were nothing but assumptions. The world is wonderful land of mystery and we are part of it. We shouldn't try to squeeze all the colors of the rainbow into black and white. Identifying and letting go of all the internalized stuff we ate up growing up is a process that leads to freedom. I was surprised at all the misconceptions I learned growing up that were baseless...

I said I would stop typing so I better do that :x

Again, Happy New Year, I hope 2014 is better than all your past years combined!

-jojo

Thanks Jojo, I wish the same to you! Happy New Year

Quote from: Michele on January 01, 2014, 03:05:39 PM
It's like you got into my head, Feather, and wrote exactly what I'm feeling too.

So I can offer - not that it'll help! - my own strategy for figuring this out.

First, realize that you don't have to do anything right now.  Nothing at all.  As long as you're safe and not going to hurt yourself over this, sit back and relax.  It's confusing, but not dangerous or harmful.  You have time to figure this out.  And at times your thoughts and feelings might seem foolish or uncomfortable or whimsical or absurd or whatever, but nobody else knows.  Explore those feelings.  You're allowed to have them.  Ignoring them is the only thing that I believe will be problematic in the long run.

My plan is therapy asap.  Until I've spoken to a therapist, I'm telling nobody else in real life (not that here isn't real life too, but you know what I mean.)  I'm not coming out to the spouse, friends, family, nobody.  I'm going to use the plentiful time I have to work through this.  I might find out, through therapy, that I would be best served just living as a man and keeping all of this locked up in my head, just keeping it private.  I might find that I'd be happiest undergoing some kind of transition to female.  I might find that the best place is right in the middle, or bouncing between the two (although I think that some kind of stability would be nice). And then once I've figured out what's going on in my head, then I can figure out how to align my body and lifestyle.  Sort the head out first, in other words, and then work on the body later.

Hi Michele.. I was thinking along the same lines.. there's no point telling others close to me when I can't even understand it myself.
How does one go to a therapist? Do I have to see a doctor first for that and tell my story? That freaks me out, but I guess I'll have no choice. What about you?

Quote from: JoanneB on January 01, 2014, 04:58:25 PM
As you may be noting, you are far from alone with the feelings you have. For a very good 3-4 years I've been wrestling a lot with the "What to do?" question. The more I achieve harmony within myself it seems the more difficult it is to know what is right.
After a couple of experiments in my 20's with transitioning I decided it wasn't for me. For 3 decades I did my best to enjoy being a guy. Afterall, it wasn't all that bad. In fact, by most peoples standards, I had a great life. Four or so years ago a crises came along. After much introspection I concluded being trans and how I handled it was behind this and many other crises'. So I took on the beast.

Hi JoanneB.. may I ask what experiments you did in your 20s? And what caused you to quit? Did you go all the way back to being a guy (did you fight it) ? I'm curious.

Quote from: DuckyAlexis on January 01, 2014, 11:18:51 PMIt can be very frustrating, as you probably know, going back and forth, and that part I don't know how to deal with very well yet, so I can't give much advice on that.
I do know that when I am feeling the more feminine side of myself really is at the forefront, I allow it to shine(only in private though or with my gf at moment) and it really has been rather freeing in a huge way, and the more I have allowed myself to express that sidde of myself, I find that as time has passed, I slowly have been wanting to take it a little further and further, and I get comfortable with that, then I get those moments that I'm ok for a short bit with my maleness. I think talking to a therapist might help you maybe understand yourself a little bit better, even if the thought of telling someone seems scary, the possible gains can be great. Anyways, hang in there and if you ever have any questions feel free to ask.

Hey DuckyAlexis!  There's nothing more frustrating then going back and forth, that's why I'd rather be fixed. It's not just a matter of enjoying both sides all the time and loving it equally. One part feels doable but boring at the same time, and another part can't really be expressed. But at this moment I think mixing is the only option.

Have you visited a therapist or are you in therapy?

I have seen a therapist before for stuff other than gender stuff and it helped for what i needed it at the time.  Sadly, I currently do not have insurance, so can't afford to see a therapist right now, but I'm hoping I can find a way to see one eventually.  Moving to a different state at the end of the month, so will have to see what resources are available where i'm moving.

My "Experiments" (now remember we are talking late 1970's early 80's, also known as the Jurassic period for dinosaurs like me) were at times in my life, before it got too complicated by life. First was after graduation from university, the second after graduating from the school of hard-knocks (divorce). I had to see what life as a trans woman would be like for me. All 6ft, big boned, deep voiced, frog hands, super-extra-large feet rapidly balding me. I started low dose HRT, began venturing out into the world, went to some gay/T clubs, dated a few guys. Both times ghosts from my past haunted me. I didn't pass well in a world of 5'4" women, stood out for sure, which was a bad thing for me as a kid. I constantly felt like "some guy in a dress. So after about 6 months I said F this, I'll just try to be a guy. That I am probably just a CD, perhaps a tad more. Forget all those other hopes wishes and dreams. Aint happenin this lifetime.

So basically went back to being a guy. Not that I was horrible at it for the most part. Plus that I can easily fake, blend in. Applied talents honed over years of avoiding being a big, fat, stuttering mouth breathing, presumed idiot, four eyed target growing up.

Yet I never "purged". I knew better. No matter how much I can deny the TS aspect, no way could I really survive without some escape. Without some relief from constantly being just a fraction of the real me. Never seeing a dream become animated, at least in some small way.

I also created a world and a persona to further help me deny the female aspect within. I kept myself constantly off-balanced with Distractions, Diversions, and Denial. The Three D's as I call them. I tried the best I could to bury those dreams of another era as well as not allowing any time for dreaming. Too much more important, "practical" things to due. (Cue up Super-Tramp)

I had my chance years to decades ago to transition. It isn't practical, logical. Too much at risk. Yet so much of myself, my life, my wife's life were all being risked by my stuffing tactics. Once again my world self destructed. Worse then ever since that time also meant loosing all my safety nets. The basic underpinnings of my identity destroyed. My major sources of distractions and diversions vanished. Faced with a life of boredom and tedium denial was impossible. So I took on the trans beast.... again. This time with all the conviction and being truthfull to myself I could muster. This time with a far better.....spiritual(?) foundation. My wife worked hard to show and teach me how to be a person. I learned a little while fighting back hard, building a better facade of a guy. Apparently I did pick up the lessons I needed to learn to jump-start my own life review and how I can be better journey.

Eventually, if or when I finally come to the fork in the road, I'll take it. Rather than turning tail and running back home as I did in the past. The road I am on now is far better than the one I was on. Each turn I've taken so far put me on an even better road.

Reading about you is just like looking inside of me. I see almost all that I feel there. I don't have answers, may be i'm even more lost than you, but I believe that here is a place to find ourselves right???
Also, feel free to ask anything 

Thank you Joanna for sharing your story, sounds like a rough long road. Thanks for the posts, all of you

Yet another day of me feeling guy mode during the day,and then I come home and am alone in my room.. listening to music, and it out of nowhere it comes again. And then I grab female clothes, make up, and I wish for so much more. It feels so peaceful and sweet, but I can't seem to get it 'out' when I'm in various other situations or social context and maybe I don't feel a need? I don't know to be honest.

Well I'm off to sleep and tomorrow I'll have to work and I'm sure those activities will get me in another mood again.

Quote from: Luana on January 03, 2014, 05:48:46 PM
Reading about you is just like looking inside of me. I see almost all that I feel there. I don't have answers, may be i'm even more lost than you, but I believe that here is a place to find ourselves right???
Also, feel free to ask anything 

Hi Luana, maybe we can have a chat sometime, I'd love to talk to others who are sailing in a similar ship

Quote from: Feather on January 03, 2014, 06:01:54 PM
Hi Luana, maybe we can have a chat sometime, I'd love to talk to others who are sailing in a similar ship

Well, that would be nice, I've wanting soeone to talk about this feelings that we have but I haven't found anyone yet (Even in the "real life"), if you like, send a message and we can talk 

Feather, it took a while to figure out where I was as a transgender I began to question my gender when I was fifty-six. It took about two years for me to feel comfortable where I am today. The gender is still fluid from time to time and I find myself enjoying the journey. I'm sixty five now and still discovering more about myself.

Thanks for sharing your story, Gennee

I have some questions for you and the others here..

Did/do you also have moments of feeling genuinely comfortable as a male, yet strangely at the same time desire(d) to be female?
Did/do you also have those moments where you thought.. ''If only I looked less masculine I'd want to go on hormones?''
Did/do you have both lust and envy for women?

I experience all of these things and thoughts.. after each other, through each other, simultaneously, separately..

Quote from: Feather on January 04, 2014, 02:26:49 PM
Did/do you also have moments of feeling genuinely comfortable as a male, yet strangely at the same time desire(d) to be female?
Did/do you also have those moments where you thought.. ''If only I looked less masculine I'd want to go on hormones?''
Did/do you have both lust and envy for women?

I experience all of these things and thoughts.. after each other, through each other, simultaneously, separately..

I always wanted to be a woman. I've only recently began to feel genuinely comfortable as a male. I attribute this to all the self work these past 3-4 years taking on the trans beast and finally coming to accept myself... all of myself. Which is probably why the decision NOT to transition is even harder now then ever

Quote
Did/do you also have those moments where you thought.. ''If only I looked less masculine I'd want to go on hormones?''

I'm 6ft tall, balding since age 14, big boned, big hands and feet, super sized super orbital ridges etc.. Yet there was always the drive to have a woman's body, to go on hormones. Which I did, several times

Quote
Did/do you have both lust and envy for women?

Most definitely. Or so I thought till late. These days I'd have to say overwhelmingly it has always been envy. I never "lusted" about a woman like guys do. Even with T running full blast in my veins and in my brains