I need a little advice guys. I'm considering coming out as trans to everyone that knows me (via facebook) all at once, and here is why:

A little before Xmas my wife received a text from her cousin asking her out of the blue if I was a transsexual. My wife wouldn't out me (never has...even when we had a brief separation) so she let me know what was going on. I am not a liar and anytime someone has asked me I have been honest. I did the same in this situation. My wife's cousin promised she would keep it to herself...

Fast forward a few weeks later Xmas eve when I was at the hospital for my wife's surgery. I was approached by my wife's cousin's mother (hope that makes sense) about it. So now my wife's aunt and uncle know (who are both fine with it). Then today one of my friends I went to school with (and is married to my wife's cousin's brother ...again hope that makes sense lol) contacted me to let me know that on Xmas day my wife's cousin was at her house hinting around it ("I know about Simon").

The thing is I am sick of people feeling like they have this juicy piece of gossip because I shared that part of my life with them in confidence. While I am not embarrassed of being transgender I worry that people knowing may be detrimental to me in a sense. I don't know what to do.

Sometimes I wish I was a vengeful person. See I know that the same cousin running her mouth about me cheated on her husband a year ago...he doesn't know. I won't tell him (even though it would give me satisfaction about her) because they have a kid. I don't want the boy stuck in drama of my creation.

Any advice?

I wouldn't out myself en masse. I would pretty much appear clueless to the whole thing. And extracting a "I won't tell" from most people is straight up a recipe for gossip, they know they shouldn't, so it's even more tempting for them. Its best to take all the fun out of it for them by simply not caring.   

That's how I deal with it. If someone asks me, which has only happened like twice or I hear something, I usually turn it to where they feel dumb or awkward asking it or bringing it up. I view as no one's business even if I'm not actively hiding it from people since I do live where I transitioned. People get tired of old news after a short time and move on to other stuff.

And if you do feel that people knowing could be detrimental, then definitely don't out yourself. Let them wonder, sooner or later, they either forget or just realize that its not actually a big deal because you aren't making it a big deal.

I'm sorry that has happened to you.

As bhhf said I would ignore them. This sort of person is weak and seeking some sort of 'glory' by knowing something other people do not and want to use it as a center of attraction and self importance.

By ignoring them you counter that. If people ask I would explain as much as you wish to, and maybe quietly add that you are disappointed that some people cannot keep a confidence.

They then become known as an untrustworthy person.

Hey, Simon, I am sorry this is happening.  I would just ride it out at this point.  See how far it goes (people wise), it may just slide off the radar after awhile.  If you have been stealth all this time that must mean it is most comfortable for you; don't let others make the decision to come OUT for you.  Good luck.

Thanks for the advice so far. I sent her a text and once I know she has seen it I am done with her. If she continues to run her jaws I'll have to take it as it comes. This is the message I sent her:

Hey, didn't think it would come to this
but I'd appreciate you keeping my personal
business out of your mouth. Attempting to ruin
someone's life just to satisfy your insatiable need
for gossip is bull****. I've never done anything to you.
Multiple people have told me you've mentioned me. What you
fail to realize is I know that you cheated on your husband
who you're currently trying to conceive a child with. If
you don't want drama in your personal life don't try to start it in mine.

Hopefully that will be enough to get her to back off...

Somehow, the blackmail approach seems to be the wrong solution. I hope it works out the way you want.

Letting her know your disappointment in her behavior and the trouble she has caused should have been enough. She could just share the text proving what she said is true, then you are stuck with the words.

Quote from: LordKAT on January 05, 2014, 05:31:08 PM
Somehow, the blackmail approach seems to be the wrong solution. I hope it works out the way you want.

I think in this case it should work. She's terrified her husband will find out what she did. I typically don't use blackmail. I was thinking of it more as 'I know something about you and have kept my mouth shut so return the favor'. I've already received a message from her denying that she said anything about me.

Damn Simon, I'm sorry. You tried to take the high road by being upfront and trusting her to keep your private business private and she betrayed that. Sounds like you're past the idea of outing yourself to everyone, but if you're still considering it, I think it's a bad idea. It could just give her the satisfaction of knowing that she knew first. Plus it might make you feel like you didn't do it on your own terms and that could lead to more resentment and regret.

I actually think the blackmail was appropriate. She has personal business that she assumes people would have the decency not to share with others, so why should she start airing out your history?

To say in the below: you mus remove her from the circle by force.doing so will anger her because it is her prime source of her existance.after doing so,you yourself will set the record straight with as many people as possible.if enough people got wind of her actions (and being a circle based on drama) they will start to turn on her,they as well finding a new story to spread.doing so also will cause them to drop and forget their current one.only those obsessed with drama can be crushed by such.use it to your advantage.Aside from most people like that doing it for self satisfaction,most also do it for other reasons.being just another form of emotional/mental abuse,they use it for that reason and some out of some twisted obligation to the person they feel they know better then everyone else.I'm afraid to say that most of these do not care about counter actions (keeping a secret about them and using it) she will continue and do you know why that is? 'Knowing' you better then most,she knows you not only do not have the guts but don't have the heart -to say a word about what she has done and with that,will continue to abuse you/fullfill this personal obligation (which mind you is really to their selves and has nothing to do with anyone else) pure disrespect to anothers feelings,personal space and life-rarely get noticed or cared for by such people.being very used to this kind of thing most of my life,this is the only advice I can give.you must unroot her fou play.go to those directly that she has spoken about you to and directly call her out.in time,they will see her actions.this is the only way.go to those she has talked to and let them know the foul play and respectfully ask them not to entertain her actions any longer or they will only encourage her actions.you may take this time to out YOURSELF or make known that they are 'lies' being spread about you.either way,do it yourself and your way.

I'm really sorry to hear your situation.  While it's really wrong of her to discuss your personal information, I don't feel like that gives you the okay to distribute her information either.  Two wrongs don't make a right.  Regardless, I don't think the message you sent was bad.  Providing a warning and some food for thought isn't the same as actually outing her.  Hopefully that will send the message and make her think twice before. 

One last thing I would suggest is to be cautious of the fact that everything here is public.  You never know who is looking and whether they can put two and two together. Just a fair warning in case you want to keep her past cheating history private.  To be honest, I suspect people in my life may have read some of my threads, so I would exercise some caution if you don't want it out there. 

Yeah, you might want to edit that out since anyone can read this stuff. If your cousin asked out of the blue, it's possible someone else told her, even if she's the one that's telling other people. She might not have realized she shouldn't say anything (some people are really that lacking in the common sense department) if she heard it from someone. Still not an excuse, but what I mean is, she may not be only one.

Quote from: DCQ on January 05, 2014, 11:53:25 PM
Yeah, you might want to edit that out since anyone can read this stuff. If your cousin asked out of the blue, it's possible someone else told her, even if she's the one that's telling other people. She might not have realized she shouldn't say anything (some people are really that lacking in the common sense department) if she heard it from someone. Still not an excuse, but what I mean is, she may not be only one.

Nahh, I'm not editing out anything. If someone finds me on here I'll ask why they were looking around a trans site. She didn't hear it from anyone. She said that she guessed because my wife and I got married in DC last year (plus there were physical/voice changes). She is known to be a big mouth and I shouldn't have trusted her. She is almost 30 so I thought maybe, just maybe she had grown up and could be trusted.

Thing is I am honest to a fault, always have been. I'm one of those people you don't ask something unless you really want to know, because I'll tell ya. I might need to work on that, lol.

Quote from: Simon on January 06, 2014, 01:04:22 AM
Nahh, I'm not editing out anything. If someone finds me on here I'll ask why they were looking around a trans site. She didn't hear it from anyone. She said that she guessed because my wife and I got married in DC last year (plus there were physical/voice changes). She is known to be a big mouth and I shouldn't have trusted her. She is almost 30 so I thought maybe, just maybe she had grown up and could be trusted.

Thing is I am honest to a fault, always have been. I'm one of those people you don't ask something unless you really want to know, because I'll tell ya. I might need to work on that, lol.

I'm glad you know it's her so you can get it at its root. I hope she hasn't spread it around too much; sorry you're having to deal with this. I'd probably handle it the same way you are, to be honest.

Quote from: Simon on January 05, 2014, 05:18:24 PM
Thanks for the advice so far. I sent her a text and once I know she has seen it I am done with her. If she continues to run her jaws I'll have to take it as it comes. This is the message I sent her:

Hey, didn't think it would come to this
but I'd appreciate you keeping my personal
business out of your mouth. Attempting to ruin
someone's life just to satisfy your insatiable need
for gossip is bull****. I've never done anything to you.
Multiple people have told me you've mentioned me. What you
fail to realize is I know that you cheated on your husband
who you're currently trying to conceive a child with. If
you don't want drama in your personal life don't try to start it in mine.

Hopefully that will be enough to get her to back off...

Great job. I think you handled this beautifully well. Though I know others will disagree and thats their right, I would have done something like this as well if I was in your position. Some people need to be told straight up the way that it is because they are blinded by ignorance/jealousy/etc. If this doesnt work then probably nothing will. You didnt threaten to tell in your text so its not really blackmail, you just said you have dirt on them but chose to not say anything and you want them to do the same for you.