Can I get away with calling myself a girl at my age?
Anyway, we planned this trip in the first few weeks after I came outright my partner. Since then I've been out as myself for dinner or a walk around the neighbourhood, but this was my first time for such an extended period of time. Part of me was scared, part of me was wondering whether I would actually like it, but most of me was pretty excited about the 3 days to come.
Anyway, we left on Dec 31 and I travelled in male mode and changed on arrival. We went up to Asakusa to see the temple there, then went and had something to eat before going to a quaintly antiquated amusement park close by for the countdown to 2014 and the fireworks. In retrospect the slightly rough, slightly less 'cosmopolitan' Asakusa was perhaps not such a good choice.
I found at the start that I was very conscious of how I needed to walk and sit and carry my bag, and it seemed there were so many things to keep in mind. I felt like I was double guessing myself and kind of playing a role. This was a bit tiring.
Also, as I'm 6'2" and in a country where the average height for women is 5'2", I'm going to have a bit of trouble blending in. Add to that the ever more obvious beard shadow as time passed, and by 11pm people were beginning to stare, and as the alcohol took its effect on them some men began to point.
This didn't bother me that much, in fact I didn't really notice it, but it upset my partner and she began to cry. We decided to go back to the hotel around this time and regroup. 2014 arrived somewhere between these two places as we rode the metro. We got back to the hotel and went to bed.
I've tried everything but I can't succeed in hiding my beard shadow, so day 2 we decided to go with the surgical mask. We went shopping around Shinjuku, had some lunch (first lamb I've had since my last trip home - yum!), and this was a much more pleasant experience. People in shops and cafes were generally welcoming and friendly, I had no problems using bathrooms or trying on clothes and my confidence began to grow. I found I was thinking less about how to behave and just letting myself go about her business. I felt very free. My partner had also got past the day before and we had a really great afternoon.
I also found a really nice tailored jacket and a dress that almost comes to my knees (lol), so I was pretty happy about that.
After an early evening shave at the hotel we headed out again, this time to the LGBT area of Shinjuku looking for somewhere to drink. We found a gay bar that was open (most weren't), and although I didn't really feel like a part of that culture, and had a couple of guys gently chat me up, it was at least nice to be in a place where people took me for what I am and accepted that.
Day 3 we hit the January sales proper in my new tailored jacket
Oh, the people around Tokyo station! But by now I was on a roll, and it just felt so good, and so right being a woman there in amongst all of them, going about my business and just being myself. Any sense of consciously playing a role was gone, and I was looking people in the eye, talking to shop assistants, carrying myself with confidence. We finished off with a sushi lunch on the 12th floor at Daimaru, overlooking the imperial palace grounds bathed in beautiful winter sunshine.
Sadly our flight was early afternoon, so that was pretty much the end of that. I got changed, and we both shed a few tears that I had to go back to male mode.
So what did this trip teach me?
First, that I'm comfortable in this role. I don't think I really had any serious doubts, but it is good to have this certainty, and I'm looking forward to the start of HRT more than ever.
Second, that confidence is everything. Stand up straight and look people in the eye and they generally have no doubts about how to treat you. I realise people always say this, but now I've experienced it for myself.
Third, I'm strong enough to deal with the looks I'm going to get. This is probably the most important discovery.
I realize that 3 days and 2 nights is not a whole lot of time when compared to 24/7 full time RLE, but for me it was an important step forward, and a very affirming experience.
I can't wait to go back. In fact, as we still had some air miles left over we booked again for the end of next month. I'm hoping that laser will have given me a bit more help by then.
