My personal demon dysphoria has been doing it's voodoo magic on me the last week or so. In public I get nothing but 'sir, he, him' yet when I go home and see myself in the bathroom mirror I pic myself apart. I look and doubt how far I've come. It's subconscious but it's there. I try to tell myself it's like an anorexic looking in the mirror and seeing nothing but a fat person. It's not reality.

Yet, somewhere in my mind I don't feel 'worthy' (for lack of a better word) of being a man. A man society sees yet I don't validate him myself.

I wonder if this will ever end.

Quote from: Simon on January 09, 2014, 04:45:39 AM
I wonder if this will ever end.

Yes.

Quote from: Simon on January 09, 2014, 04:45:39 AM
Yet, somewhere in my mind I don't feel 'worthy' (for lack of a better word) of being a man. A man society sees yet I don't validate him myself.

What kind of man are you? What kind of man do you want to be? What can you do to be the man you want to be?

Quote from: Simon on January 09, 2014, 04:45:39 AM
My personal demon dysphoria has been doing it's voodoo magic on me the last week or so. In public I get nothing but 'sir, he, him' yet when I go home and see myself in the bathroom mirror I pic myself apart. I look and doubt how far I've come. It's subconscious but it's there. I try to tell myself it's like an anorexic looking in the mirror and seeing nothing but a fat person. It's not reality.

What aspects of your appearance do you like? What aspects of your appearance are masculine?

I think you need this. From me to you brother ( )!

I can relate to some of this post. I look in the mirror and I always see the female that I was born as, thinking everyone else must see that too even though I present as male. I'm not sure that part will ever end for some of us unfortunately though. Maybe if I transitioned much younger when I will still going through the changes of puberty because looks make a drastic child>adult change but I transitioned as an adult and for me anyways its difficult to look past that in my reflection.

I feel this so much. I've been on T for 21 months and I have days where I look in the mirror and think "barely anything has changed." Even though so many people, strangers who have no reason to consider my pronouns, give me indication that they just see me as a guy and don't even think anything else.

I'm wondering if it's related to your experience recently with your wife's....cousin was it? I know that when I get people who guess that I am trans, I go through these kinds of feelings even worse than I would normally.

Quote from: caleb. on January 09, 2014, 05:20:09 PM
I'm wondering if it's related to your experience recently with your wife's....cousin was it? I know that when I get people who guess that I am trans, I go through these kinds of feelings even worse than I would normally.

It probably does have something to do with it. One of the reasons she clocked me though was because of the changes on T. She and her mom both didn't see me for that year so all of a sudden they seen me at that year mark and remarked that I looked/sounded different. At the time I was just like, "uh, it's been awhile and you look a little different to me too...we must all be getting old".

I know I've changed physically on T. Before and in the first few months I'd pass a lot until I opened my mouth but I still got 'the look' from strangers on occasion. Now I pass flawlessly. Sometimes people will think I am younger than I am until they talk to me, and ask my age.

My wife says it's all in my head and I'm sure she is right. Being pre top surgery probably has the most to do with it. I don't bind at all around the house because I refuse to be uncomfortable in my own home. My bathroom has two huge mirrors and no matter if you enter the bathroom from the bedroom door or from the door at the hallway there is no way to get to the toilet/wash your hands without passing a mirror.

Quote from: Simon on January 09, 2014, 04:45:39 AM
A man society sees yet I don't validate him myself.

I wonder if this will ever end.

I really hope you find peace within yourself dude, its a rough place to be in, and hey at least you have a forum full of people that care about what youre going through, we are always here to talk to and listen to you

I realised something today, the mirror reflects the expectation.

I was in a boutique and turned by some stairs and saw another woman coming towards me, I smiled and said sorry for nearly barging into her.

It was a mirror.

I think for the first time I saw me as others do because I did not expect to see me!

To be honest I'm rather happy because I not only passed even in my eyes, but I thought she was cute

You are still looking at your mental image and not the image others see.

Quote from: Cindy on January 09, 2014, 11:34:52 PM
I realised something today, the mirror reflects the expectation.

I was in a boutique and turned by some stairs and saw another woman coming towards me, I smiled and said sorry for nearly barging into her.

It was a mirror.

I think for the first time I saw me as others do because I did not expect to see me!

To be honest I'm rather happy because I not only passed even in my eyes, but I thought she was cute

You are still looking at your mental image and not the image others see.

Exactly!

Quote from: Cindy on January 09, 2014, 11:34:52 PM
I realised something today, the mirror reflects the expectation.

I was in a boutique and turned by some stairs and saw another woman coming towards me, I smiled and said sorry for nearly barging into her.

It was a mirror.

I think for the first time I saw me as others do because I did not expect to see me!

To be honest I'm rather happy because I not only passed even in my eyes, but I thought she was cute

You are still looking at your mental image and not the image others see.

:claps:
I hope this happens to me someday..