I have a very similar story to Megumi.  I had wished I was born a girl starting at like age 4 or 5, and I did not understand much about that desire other than it being wrong.  For most of my life I had a large fear that if a single person found out it would spread instantly and I would be disowned by my family and then shamed to the point of suicide.  I did crossdress as a child when I was home alone and I did everything to keep it private, but one day I messed up and used an eyeshadow of my mom's that was a little too brand new.  She noticed new brush swipes in it and I overheard her confront my sister about how it's not nice to use things of others without asking.  When my sister denied it and my mom asked who else it could possibly be I heard my sister respond, "I dunno, maybe it was (skin)." I went to my room and curled up in bed, literally shaking in fear.  I stayed there for hours waiting for my mom to enter and confront me.  When I finally came out to her last year she said the same thing, where she didn't understand because there were no signs.  Maybe you missed a couple like her since you weren't looking for them?

Hi Mittens,

Firstly, thank you for being so open and suportive. It sound's like something you'd expect from a parent, but as many here will testify to, not all parents are willing to accept that their child would be happier if they could change *something* about their life.

I'd like to tell you where I am right now, as I think it could help.

I discovered my possible transgenderness (I don't even know if that's the word - I'm that new) last Thursday, and have swung back and forth. Like your son (apologies if this is the incorrect term now) I've never had traits of femininity, or showed any sort of desire to be the opposite sex. However, and I hate admitting this, I have previously cross dressed in secret, never really thinking it meant anything.

A few things come to mind with your sons story:

1) He does not yet know how to act, and is worried how to 'step in' to a new role if that makes sense.
2) He doesn't yet feel comfortable. What I mean here is, if you can imagine always doing the same thing every day, day in, day out then one day have this expectation that you must change. That's sort of what he'll be feeling.
3) He's mentally in denial. I know I am, it's confusing as hell when you start trying to work through everything, there's just too many thoughts to process at once. His mind will be saying 'no, stop this, we're comfortable now, dont do this' whilst also saying 'this is right'.

I'd imagine it'll take a fair amount of time for him/her to figure things out. It's nothing to stress over though.

All the best.

Quote from: kathyk on January 13, 2014, 12:43:18 PM
Hi Mittens.  Please understand that before transition many of us hide who we are, and how we feel.  And we learn to do this very well.  I lived 60 years in a self imposed prison to keep the person I wanted to be burried.  And in the end doing so deeply hurt me and many others, inclluding my wife, children and a large extended family.

That's so true. It's amazing how well you can do it as well, to the point that you believe the lie you've lived all your life. It's scary what the human brain is actually capable of when you think about it!

Mittens, thanks for being a great parent!  It's heartwarming to read that you're doing whatever you can to help and understand your daughter.

Give it time.  You're doing the right things.  Listening, seeking advice, trying to figure things out.  I would strongly recommend a gender therapist, but other than that just give her the time to process what's going on too.

Again, so many of us wish we had parents like you.  It's not an easy process for anyone, parents or children, and please always remember that we can offer support for you too. 

Thank you for all of the insights and personal stories!  It has really helped me gain a new perspective.  Thank you to the person who pm'd me too (I couldn't figure out how to reply.) It is more helpful to me to get the perspective of those who have gone through it.  I've done so much research on the topic over the past week my head feels like it will explode!  I need to back off a little I think.  I came to the realization that no matter if my son becomes my daughter all of the regular parent worries will still be there.  As a parent, we want our kids to be happy and find their way in life, find love, be content and productive...it's all the same.  He has a therapy appointment today...I'm hoping he feels able to start discussing this in therapy.  We shall see - kind of a "one day at a time" type thing! 

Mittens-

First of all - you are a great parent!

To answer your question about the lack of outward signs let me tell you a bit about my life.

As a small kid I never played with girl toys or wanted to dress feminine; nor did I have any overt feminine desires. I did all of the customary things that boys my age did in high school (drinking, street racing, chased girls, regularly dodged the cops, engaged in some risky things to boost my man cred, and so on). When I got older I married, had children, built a drag race car, started my own business, and worked out incessantly while taking steroid precursors to build muscle. I got quite bulked up too, to the point that my legs would not fit in my jeans anymore because my thigh muscles were so built up. I carried 50lb bags of fertilizer like they weighed nothing. My friends were the studly, manly man, all male, dudebro types.

I was clearly overcompensating......

During all of my life I had no clue that I had a female brain. Once I got into my 40s the dam burst. I'm now transitioning from male to female and I know that I'm going to absolutely shock people that know me because they never saw it coming - I was the archetypical manly man guy with the perfect marriage.

So yes, your daughter could be trans* and might not show outward signs of it, or she could be hiding it from the world and from herself - denial is a powerful thing that we all experience when we find out we are trans*. She is probably working through her new feelings and might not yet feel comfortable with her new found femininity.

I'd say keep doing what you are doing, be supportive, talk to her, and most importantly - listen to her - this is a very difficult, scary thing to go through, especially as a younger person, and she really needs you right now.

~Eva

Quote from: Mittens on January 14, 2014, 12:04:12 PM
Thank you for all of the insights and personal stories!  It has really helped me gain a new perspective.  Thank you to the person who pm'd me too (I couldn't figure out how to reply.) It is more helpful to me to get the perspective of those who have gone through it.  I've done so much research on the topic over the past week my head feels like it will explode!  I need to back off a little I think.  I came to the realization that no matter if my son becomes my daughter all of the regular parent worries will still be there.  As a parent, we want our kids to be happy and find their way in life, find love, be content and productive...it's all the same.  He has a therapy appointment today...I'm hoping he feels able to start discussing this in therapy.  We shall see - kind of a "one day at a time" type thing!

You are doing it right

Quote from: Mittens on January 14, 2014, 12:04:12 PM
Thank you for all of the insights and personal stories!  It has really helped me gain a new perspective.  Thank you to the person who pm'd me too (I couldn't figure out how to reply.) It is more helpful to me to get the perspective of those who have gone through it.  I've done so much research on the topic over the past week my head feels like it will explode!  I need to back off a little I think.  I came to the realization that no matter if my son becomes my daughter all of the regular parent worries will still be there.  As a parent, we want our kids to be happy and find their way in life, find love, be content and productive...it's all the same.  He has a therapy appointment today...I'm hoping he feels able to start discussing this in therapy.  We shall see - kind of a "one day at a time" type thing!

Just go one step at a time as you said.  It will be easier to digest and learn that way instead of taking everything in all at once.  And should you ever have doubts or concerns, make sure to maintain a healthy dialogue with your child.  I can't say this enough, but thank you for being there for your kid and not judging them.  It really warms my hear to read this. 

Hi Mittens!

  I never cross dressed because I was told it was shameful.  Instead I used my imagination,  or did it by playing video games as a girl.  I always felt more like a girl than a boy, and enjoyed toys from both sides- so long as they where fantastical in nature and distracted me from the feelings.

  The other aspect of dressing like a girl is that it reminds you of just how male your body and face is- which can trigger dysphoria.  It is embarrassing and you are already in a fragile place.

It is fantastic you listened to your child and did not dismiss it.  A gender therapist is the best bet for you both right now.

I wish you all the strength you need!

 

Quote from: Emmaline on January 14, 2014, 05:26:25 PM

  The other aspect of dressing like a girl is that it reminds you of just how male your body and face is- which can trigger dysphoria.  It is embarrassing and you are already in a fragile place.

how very true.   I have and still at times experience this and it can be very frustrating, depressing, and anxiety producing.

Hi Mittens.
I came out at 16ish, I by the sounds of it was very much like your child.
I was into sports, I never dressed as a girl, but I just knew.

I'm the parent of a 17 year old boy who has very recently come to the conclusion that he feels more like a girl.  I'm using his words.  He has thought about transitioning eventually and hrt but states he does not want surgery.  He has come to this conclusion very quickly - in little over 3 months. 4 months ago he was all "guy" like...working out for bigger muscles etc...I'm being supportive and basically just letting him talk to me about it.  I'm coming at this from the angle of "what does my child need from me."  He has a therapist but has not mentioned any of this to him yet.


You need to support him, my mother did a lot of research when I came out, she maybe went a little overboard, but the main thing was she supported me 100%.
In Australia we needed a court order just to start me on blockers. On the therapist, theres a chance that your child might not open up to a male one.

My confusion lies in the fact that he doesn't present as a girl at all.  He doesn't cross dress, doesn't enjoy "girly" things and doesn't even attempt to "act" like a girl (whatever that really means.)  He says he is bisexual as well.  I am taking him to an anime convention and figured this would be an opportunity he would take to dress as a female but he's not...he's going in a male character costume.

The first item of female clothing I wore was a pair of jeans that my mother bought.
I loved my sport, I loved my "guy things", but I loved them as female.
Theres also a chance your child will be worried about their friends and school peers.

Is there anyone out there with a similar story?  If I could see some type of feminine streak in him this would all make much more sense to me, but I've been watching him like a hawk and I don't see it.  He's always been very much a "boy"...not a super manly guy but a guy all the same.  He never played with girl toys, never enjoyed hanging with girls (he/she has a sister), really never did any stuff one would associate with a girl.  Should I talk to him/her about that?  I don't want to offend his/her emerging sense of femininity but I would also like someone's perspective on this if anyone has an idea.  After our talk we agreed that he should take things slowly and not rush...He stated that he needs to concentrate on school and relax about all this a little.  It's great if he can relax a little now but I'm now the one that is super confused!  Thanks for any input.

You've made a great first step, show your child that you will love and support them no matter what.