Hello again my beautiful and wonderful sisters.  I have a questions that has probably been asked many many times somewhere in history by many curious trans women.  Unfortunately I was not there for any of those answers.

Okay.  Before transitioning I was coming to terms with the idea of being a gender queer or gender fluid.  Partially out of a compromise with a lifestyle that doesn't agree with a transition and partially because I was just scared.  No let me correct that I was terrified!  I wasn't really happy but I was getting by.  Just a healthy dose of permanent depression.

Now, I am transitioning and plan on going full time whether I pass or not.  I LOVE how I feel on hormones and love all the changes that are taking place within my body.  I'm only about 2 months in and haven't started full doses yet.  For the first time I really feel happy.  The downside?  There are those moments where I look at myself or catch a glance of my reflection in the sliding door at the grocery store.  I HATE what I see and that happiness is contrasted by a crippling depression.  Maybe after a year in, I may think differently about my appearance but that really isn't guaranteed.

Is it worst to constantly be at least a little depressed and not transition or to have happiness brought down by crippling depression every once and a while during transition.

Okay, Ill be honest here.  Although I am curious about your answers (I always love to hear from all of you!) I am hoping to hear some "it gets better in time" stories.  Hopefully I'm not the only one and the billions of lurking transwomen that visit this wonderful forum can gain from your encouragement as well!

Thank you!

Well you may like this:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,157368.0.html

Quote from: Cindy on January 14, 2014, 02:19:36 AM
Well you may like this:

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,157368.0.html

As usual, you hit the nail on the head!  Your awesome.  When you talk about the old you, it reminds me of me right now!  Hating the mirror sooooo much!  Then when you talk about the you of today you say things like, "I look good!"  I love that so much!  I hope I can take a piece of that confidence and place it in my soul like a puzzle piece.  I really really looking forward to being more like you.  I also look forward to seeing more of your posts.  You're like a cloud that only rains joy and encouragement.  For this shower, I need no umbrella!

It will happen honey!!

Quote from: Just Lara on January 14, 2014, 03:26:48 AM
As usual, you hit the nail on the head!  Your awesome.  When you talk about the old you, it reminds me of me right now!  Hating the mirror sooooo much!  Then when you talk about the you of today you say things like, "I look good!"  I love that so much!  I hope I can take a piece of that confidence and place it in my soul like a puzzle piece.  I really really looking forward to being more like you.  I also look forward to seeing more of your posts.  You're like a cloud that only rains joy and encouragement.  For this shower, I need no umbrella!

That is our Cindy. I think you just wrote the piece for the dedication thread.

Ahh you are both too sweet!

To my mind and limited experience is that passing is between the ears. You know who are and when you accept that it radiates on the outside.

There are more woman that don't look like Heidi Klum or whoever but they are all gorgeous and demand respect. That respect comes from within. You can be the prettiest girl in the world but if your soul is ugly you are ugly. If you are a plain looking woman and your soul is beautiful it shows.

If you are a KAT that guides you in the dark and chases the demons away you are a man beyond any movie star or hunk in a magazine.

Beauty is within, acceptance is within, passing is within, our shells are just that: a shell.

At least I hope so, because this shell has too many whorls to be pretty

Quote from: ♡ Emily ♡ on January 14, 2014, 03:59:22 AM
One very nice member of this board once told me that "You will keep looking in the mirror and seeing guy there. Until, one day, You will look again and he will be gone. And You will realise that he has not been there for months."
And just to "reassure" You - I still see him, but he is now slowly fading out.

Your avatar is wonderful sis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

it takes its time. I'm 4 months in and can catch a glimpse here and there , especially in certain degrees of lighting. Its very frustrating though , but it does seem to get better.

As others are saying, it's tough in the in-between times, but the thing is... once I finished transition and my body precisely matched my mind, ALL the depression went away.

(To be fair, so did the euphoria; now it's just like living a normal life. A normal, comfortable, content life in which there's nothing left of the old dysphoria and depression.)

I still see the dude in the mirror on occasion, but he's beginning to fade away, and Eva is stepping now up to replace him. Like you I also struggled for a long time with the image I saw in the mirror, but that image changed over time and it's just me now, not some guy that's trying to fake looking like a woman - I have accepted the way I look and I no longer hate it. HRT has helped a bit with that, but only a bit. It is a process of learning how to love and accept yourself as you are, and to heck with what other people think.

It just takes time, so be sure to give love to the person that you are becoming on this journey. Shes been inside of you and has been neglected for a very long time 

This is totally normal.  It just takes time to get there.  My avatar pics were 14 months apart, one pre-everything, one from last month.  One thing that transitioning taught me is patience.  The guy in the mirror WILL disappear eventually. 

I love you all so much.  Just being reminded that I am not the only one going through all this just saves me every time.  Especially those of you that have been through it all and endured to see the prize at the end.  I just want you to walk closer to me so I can ride your coat tail just for a little while.

Thank you.

Quote from: Cindy on January 14, 2014, 03:55:10 AM
Ahh you are both too sweet!

To my mind and limited experience is that passing is between the ears. You know who are and when you accept that it radiates on the outside.

There are more woman that don't look like Heidi Klum or whoever but they are all gorgeous and demand respect. That respect comes from within. You can be the prettiest girl in the world but if your soul is ugly you are ugly. If you are a plain looking woman and your soul is beautiful it shows.

If you are a KAT that guides you in the dark and chases the demons away you are a man beyond any movie star or hunk in a magazine.

Beauty is within, acceptance is within, passing is within, our shells are just that: a shell.

At least I hope so, because this shell has too many whorls to be pretty

  I blame the tree.

Quote from: LordKAT on January 15, 2014, 12:49:30 AM
  I blame the tree.

I thought is was cat pee on it

I did it. 

I did it today for the first time in a looooong time.

I looked in the mirror and smiled. I really smiled. 

Thanks again, all of you.

Quote from: Just Lara on January 16, 2014, 04:26:43 AM
I did it today for the first time in a looooong time.

I looked in the mirror and smiled. I really smiled. 

That's the way to do it!

To be honest, these days I find it better to smile at myself in the mirror everyday - even if I'm a bit down - it really helps me feel so much better.

Quote from: Ms Grace on January 16, 2014, 04:49:14 AM
That's the way to do it!

To be honest, these days I find it better to smile at myself in the mirror everyday - even if I'm a bit down - it really helps me feel so much better.

YES YES!! It's so true!!

Quote from: Just Lara on January 16, 2014, 04:26:43 AM
I looked in the mirror and smiled. I really smiled. 

I took all the mirrors out of my house when the Dysphoria hit hard.

Yesterday I bought and installed three mirrors and also smiled.

It does get much, much better! I see me now, not the past.