I'm really looking for some support right now; I know I'm sort of venting here, but I really need to vent right now 

These past few weeks have just been hellish.  I've always been dysphoric, but lately...It's like it was for me during my last year of high school all over again; when I was certain that I needed to do something, but powerless.  I left for college, with a more femme identity and a new name.  I was still finding myself but I thought that I was out of the woods somehow.  I'm not.   I took a personal leave from school for unrelated health problems, and I started this androgynous phase- I cut my hair short and wore women's button shirts, vests, boy-cut jeans, bow-ties.  And I was HAPPY.  I started hormones right before all this.  And I thought that I had figured it all out-neutral pronouns, butch clothing, and no need to worry so much about everything, suppression suppression.   I thought I had found myself, but lately all of that certainty has just gotten away from me and I feel like I'm drowning.

I'm at my one year mark for hormones today.  I remember when I was first discovering this part of myself, when I was just fifteen or sixteen, I had this idea of where I would be when I turned twenty.  I didn't think I was being that unrealistic.  I wanted to pass, to grow my hair out, and to be able to walk around in public without getting stared at and insulted.  I know I must sound like a hypocrite saying this next to a whole plethora of people who want the same things...but I feel like I was so close to reaching these goals, and now here I am, well into year nineteen, and I know that none of this is coming.  I should have started sooner, before my bones set and puberty finished up with me.  I'm a year into the HRT literally and NOTHING has changed-my skin is a bit softer, and that's it.

I'm going back to school in a few days, and I feel like I'm still not ready.  When I took this leave, I told myself "ok, I'm going to find myself" and now that I know exactly what and who I am, I just feel so powerless to act on any of it.  I'm transsexual for one thing; I always knew I was transgender, but I never committed to being transsexual until now. I'm finally certain that I want to become the girl I should have been from the day I was born.  Now I'm just heading back into the same sixteen-hour-a-day madness and it feels almost like high-school again.  Like I can't move forward anymore, not in terms of my transition, and I need to finish that transition if I'm going to survive.  Right now, I'm not surviving...I just can't sobbing, I can't sleep, I almost smashed my mirror earlier today.  For the first time in my life I know exactly where to go, and don't think I can get there.  I don't have a way out.

I'm so sorry to just vent like this, I know I probably sound like a child, but I just can't deal with everything.  I have literally no support at all.  My folks think I'm crazy, my girlfriend is in her own crisis right now...I'm just totally overwhelmed.  I just can't stop crying 
Anyhow, thanks for putting up with this; I just need some support right now.

It sounds like you have a good idea of what you want to do. You do have a lot of changes going on in your life while going to school and starting out. Hormones are going to take some time, it might benefit to let them do their magic and focus on studying. Also if you're not talking to a counselor or therapist it might help to start so you have an outlet to unload some of your stresses, and they can some times be great "cheerleaders". Its impossible to be happy all the time, but if you take your mind off being sad sometimes you might accidentally find yourself being happy.

Age has nothing to fo with HRT. It will just make a younger person, look yunger and possibly work a little better on that person. Meaning if it doesn't work on 18 year old you, it wont work on 24 year old you. I'm 31 and I had changes right away. I know this is the last thing you want to hear but I just want to point out the dangers of every thinking 18 is some magical age to start. 12 is.

To your problem, see another doctor, Something should have changed. But you dont looka like a man in ur avi. Some people just have no E receptors and its all about E receptors.

What is it your so upset about? I'm a tad confused but then again im a tad stupid lol

It sounds like you need to sit down with some one like a good therapist to help you sort things out . That's where I did most of my therapy while going to college. I didn't talk about gender issues because I was still hiding ,but I did get help sorting things out. I waited a long time to get to the gender issue , but finally made it and doing pretty good.

Is your T fully suppressed? I didn't pass as well as I do now, and I have not had laser and sometimes don't shave and still get miss'd, until my T was suppressed. Your testes should be atrophying by this time. If not, changes will not occur as the E is competing with the T. And you're young so your T will be much harder to suppress. I would ask for some P or IM estrogen. That might do the trick. The levels need to be right. You look like a chick to me though, like i said, so sometimes it's in your head. I know I have some serious BDD going on and think I look totally manish yet people look at me like im nuts if I say that. My BF said I couldnt pass as a guy for this job and you need to go as a female and tell them. Thats the first time I saw myself as others see me.

I'm sorry this is such a hard process and you feel like you have no support in your life.  I think that sometimes the worst part of being transgender is the feeling that you are all alone in this and are apart from the rest of society.  Coming here is a good start.  Most of the folks are kind and you can find some good advice.

If you are on HRT I assume that you have a therapist of some sort and an endocrinologist.  If not, there's a whole 'nother discussion we need to be having.  If you haven't seen any changes in a year on HRT then there is something amiss with the regimen you are on. You'll want to get that fixed immediately.  Just because you are 19 doesn't mean puberty is finished with you.  It's still possible to grow out into your late 20's.

Although having a therapist is nice,  they don't really have the time to act as day to day support for what you are going through.  The forum here is nice, but you should consider finding a Trans support group in your area. Your profile mentions DC.  There's are a number of Transgender support and social groups in the DC area.  You can either google "DC Transgender Support" to find one that appeals to you or ask the members here if there is one that they would recommend. I'm sure that there are other folks here from your area.

Sorry for being nosy, but you've been on HRT for a year but only just recently decided that you are transsexual rather than simply transgender... I can't help but wonder what sort of regimen you're on,  especially since you haven't seen any changes.  "HRT" is a very handy term but not a very precise one.  Personally, I'm not going to judge you if are doing this without medical supervision... but DC has a lot of options available and there is no reason to not go to your local clinic for this.  In any case... if what you are doing is ineffective then it's time to try something else.

I hope things look up for you and your girlfriend.

Hello all,

Thanks for the kindness.  I know I seemed a bit unhinged before, and just your responses make a huge difference.  Just to be clear, I'm not taking my hormones in a back alley; I am doing this properly, under a qualified physician's care (though not an endocrinologist, he has extensive experience with transgender patients).  I'm in the market for a new therapist, so I will have that as well, even if they can only provide limited support.  I've never really been to a support group before, but it's something I've always wanted to try.  I'm relocating to school outside of New York city, and I know of a few groups there.  If the commute is not too bad, I might look into it, so thank you for the advice.

I really don't know why I'm not any farther along; I didn't get my T under control for a number of months, but even since then I haven't noticed any notable breast or hip growth or growing pains, and no changes in my face either.  The one thing it did do was curb my hair growth a little bit, but that's not really much given the cost.  I'm on 4mg a day of oral estradiol; my physician referred to it as a "maintenance dose", but he hasn't said anything about increasing it.  Is that a typical dosage?   All I know are the results I should expect, and that I'm not seeing them.

Anyhow, thanks for all of the support.  This has been a hard time for me, perhaps a bit of a reality check.  But, life goes on.  All any of us can do is hope for a better tomorrow

I think your maintenance dose is a bit low for the results that you are expecting. For a feminizing regimen I'd also expect you to be on some form of anti-androgen.
I can't recommend what meds or dosages you should be on... you really need to see an endo for that... but here is a link you might be interested in.    Look up regimens at   www.transgendercare.com/medical/resources/tmf_program/default.asp  The site has a lot of good information. 
Afterwards you may want to talk to your physician about the changes you want to see and make a plan for how to get there.

the amount she is on, if taken with a norml dose of S, is NOT a maintenance dose. It's the most commonly prescribed dosge. I go to Mazzoni and this is exactly what my PCP said. Now, if there no AAs, then of course, you will get almost no feminiztion unless ur intersex.

I would still say that the dose is low, especially as it's pills. I highly recommend changing the delivery method from pills to patches, and adjust the amount of E slightly higher. If your endo does pellets even better!

Quote from: Joanna Dark on January 18, 2014, 08:23:46 AM
Age has nothing to fo with HRT. It will just make a younger person, look yunger and possibly work a little better on that person. Meaning if it doesn't work on 18 year old you, it wont work on 24 year old you. I'm 31 and I had changes right away. I know this is the last thing you want to hear but I just want to point out the dangers of every thinking 18 is some magical age to start. 12 is.

To your problem, see another doctor, Something should have changed. But you dont looka like a man in ur avi. Some people just have no E receptors and its all about E receptors.

What is it your so upset about? I'm a tad confused but then again im a tad stupid lol

That's really upsetting, because I'm restricted from taking HRT until I'm older

Quote from: Bardoux on January 19, 2014, 01:37:42 PM
I would still say that the dose is low, especially as it's pills. I highly recommend changing the delivery method from pills to patches, and adjust the amount of E slightly higher. If your endo does pellets even better!

From anecotodal data pills are far superior to patches as the patches don't either stick well enough or deliver a good dose. You need AAs. Point blank. Or an orchi. The dose she is on is perfect if she is taking AAs. I bet 95 percent of the people on this site are on that dose are maybe a tad higher, as I am, but that's only cause that's the dose I was on when I went to Mazzoni.

I was on patches for a while, but they aren't much good for anything besides filling up a trash can, not when you move around as much as I do.  They'd last a day, two if I was luck.  I am on spiro, forgot to mention earlier.  But I've been on this higher dose for about ~three, four months and I'm not seeing anything new.  My mother is flat as well, so that might be the problem.  You know how you get that pain in your breasts when they are growing?  I stopped having any of those pains half a year ago.  I trust that my doctor knows what a working dose is though...anyhow, I'll bring it up when I see him this summer.

Chic, I'm so sorry you're stuck where you are. I know just what that feels like.  Depending on where you live, it might be possible to get on a blocker, or perhaps even something more if you know a very LGBT friendly doctor and/or can get a parent to give consent.  I have a friend who started a blocker at sixteen, and it worked wonders for him.  Just don't try and get any of these without a doctor, but I'm sure you already knew that.  Hang in there!

Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on January 19, 2014, 03:50:15 PM
I was on patches for a while, but they aren't much good for anything besides filling up a trash can, not when you move around as much as I do.  They'd last a day, two if I was luck.  I am on spiro, forgot to mention earlier.  But I've been on this higher dose for about ~three, four months and I'm not seeing anything new.  My mother is flat as well, so that might be the problem.  You know how you get that pain in your breasts when they are growing?  I stopped having any of those pains half a year ago.  I trust that my doctor knows what a working dose is though...anyhow, I'll bring it up when I see him this summer.

Chic, I'm so sorry you're stuck where you are. I know just what that feels like.  Depending on where you live, it might be possible to get on a blocker, or perhaps even something more if you know a very LGBT friendly doctor and/or can get a parent to give consent.  I have a friend who started a blocker at sixteen, and it worked wonders for him.  Just don't try and get any of these without a doctor, but I'm sure you already knew that.  Hang in there!

I live in New York so there are tons of LGBT-friendly therapists and doctors here. Unfortunately, my dad refuses to consent to me getting any of the medication (and he's also very uneducated on the subject) so I have to wait until I can do it on my own, or until he finally gives in to giving me consent (this could be after seeing a therapist, where they might suggest getting on blockers/E ASAP. I would never try to self-medicate, that's a dangerous thing to do. I'm just not sure what to do because I don't want to press the issue with my dad. He considers me gay and supports that but not the transgender part. So hopefully I can convince him to get me an LGBT-friendly therapist based on me being gay, and then get things figured out there.

Well, good luck to you.  Looking at your profile picture, you have really great facial structure, so if you DO wait a few years, it might not be the end of the world.  And for what it's worth, sometimes the folks come around.  Two years ago my mother tried to have me "cured", and now she's basically paying for my SRS.  It's amazing how much people can sometimes turn around for you.

Where are you in New York?  If you're in the city, I know that Callen-Lorde offers LGBT friendly therapists for almost nothing if you're under a certain age and aren't insured (or if you can't bill them to your insurance for other reasons).

Quote from: androgynouspainter26 on January 19, 2014, 04:04:37 PM
Well, good luck to you.  Looking at your profile picture, you have really great facial structure, so if you DO wait a few years, it might not be the end of the world.  And for what it's worth, sometimes the folks come around.  Two years ago my mother tried to have me "cured", and now she's basically paying for my SRS.  It's amazing how much people can sometimes turn around for you.

Where are you in New York?  If you're in the city, I know that Callen-Lorde offers LGBT friendly therapists for almost nothing if you're under a certain age and aren't insured (or if you can't bill them to your insurance for other reasons).

Thank you so much! I can't tell you how many people have looked at me and told me that my facial structure is great and that I look feminine, I'll be a babe, I'll look like a really hot chick, etc.! It really brightens my day each time. And yeah, it's funny how parents change their outlook on these kinda things sometimes. I'm glad your mom came around to the idea!

I live in the capital region, and I'm pretty sure my insurance plan covers HRT and/or surgeries. Not sure though. I heard it from two different places, so it's altogether possible. I think it's more likely that the HRT is covered, and I'm hoping at the very least to just have to pay co-payments.

I'm planning on the sublingual pills (they're relatively inexpensive compared to other options except the injectibles) and I'm guessing they'll put me on a low dosage at first. Just hoping for blockers right now, honestly, I can wait for E as long as I'm not growing, lol.

Well, good luck, things will work out

Quote from: Joanna Dark on January 19, 2014, 02:19:00 PM
From anecotodal data pills are far superior to patches as the patches don't either stick well enough or deliver a good dose. You need AAs. Point blank. Or an orchi. The dose she is on is perfect if she is taking AAs. I bet 95 percent of the people on this site are on that dose are maybe a tad higher, as I am, but that's only cause that's the dose I was on when I went to Mazzoni.

Depends what brand, some are known for being quite bad at staying adhered, and it also depends on where you put them. I found putting them on my bottom (best for absorption anyhow) and waiting till the skin cooled after bathing was useful. When you say pills are far superior to patches Joanna, do you really mean that? I'm sure this topic has cropped up numerous times since we both joined the forums and i'm certain that pills are bottom of the pile, basically because of how much is worked by the liver (even if taken sub-lingually).

I stand by my recommendation to new people starting out on HRT, to ask your endo for patches, gel or pellets and avoid pills.