Hi, four months ago I came out to my wife and kids (14b, 13b, 12b, 5b, and a baby girl), my mom, dad, and many of our friends. My parents and friends accept me, and my wife accepts the reality of the situation, however she freaks out at any form of feminine expression from me. The kids are not as threatened by it, but they are not thrilled either. Simply shaving my face will cause my wife to get upset. After I completed 3 months of therapy and felt ready to start hormones she was very upset, but we have started couples therapy with a very qualified gender therapist who has a transgender son. We have only had two visits to this therapist, but they seem to be going very well. We left the last visit with the understanding that I have been holding back a lot because I don't want to upset her or my kids. That I'm going to need to move forward with things and she is going to need to learn to try to deal with them as they come. There is a battle of the sexes going on in my mind. I'm trying to convince myself that maybe I don't need to start hormones and I should do everything in my power to avoid disrupting my family. I love my family and wife very much and absolutely do not want to split us up. It seems transition with hormones is my wife's line, however that is what I need to do. For what it's worth I'm a lesbian top, so SRS is not even on the table. I'm very confident that my dysphoria can be drastically reduced with starting HRT and that I can restore my focus on work and my family. I'm not always present with my family these days and I'm worried that I'm going to lose my job any day now if I don't get my focus back. I just don't know what to do. I'm facing extreme conflict in my head all the time and really want to get rid of it.

Genzen,

You need to do for yourself what you feel is needed. As no one can tell you what to do in turn you can not tell someone else what the must do. If your wife will come along with this path you will walk great. If she feels she can not then let her go her own way. Yes it is hard but she also has the right to be happy.

Lots of luck in what every path you walk. It is a very hard path but you can get to a happy place with time.

Hugs
Izzy

Hi Genzen! The power of constantly rising Dysphoria caused me to make a decision such as the one you face. I lost a wife of 16 years and both kids (15 and 16) who want nothing to do with me anymore. I simply could not deal with the internal battle any longer and it was affecting my health with depression, high vital signs and stress. Was it worth it? I hate to say it like this, but YES! I dressed to go to my therapist and ended up going Full Time the same day because I could not let "him" come out anymore. I feel free for the first time in my life and actually enjoy each and every day now. I notice things I used to ignore, feel things I never felt and feel alive to a point I never have. I have to never again apologize or hide my true self from anyone. My vitals are now normal, have not had one PTSD attack and feel relaxed every day. I am no longer ultra alert, guarded or afraid of being outed by my actions. I feel that the love I have for my kids will make them come back some day when they get a little more life and maturity under their belts and see not everything is black and white. REMEMBER, the only person you are accountable to is YOURSELF. No one else lives your life, but you, make it count and be true to yourself. 

Genzen,  Hugs.

I am married and have a 16 yo (G). she does not know. My wife is coping but does not like me being trans, on HRT, shaving and wearing panties. Currently I want hair on head work and hair removal on my face. She is not happy with my needs verses her needs but we love each other and I can take a lot of flack.  I will overcome and be myself.

HRT quieted the dual identity battle in my head. I made a promise to myself mid December last year. Had I not seeked help and HRT and therapy I could not go on. My deception, my life, my choice and my consequences.

I wish you luck, support and acceptance.

Thank you everyone for your helpful responses! We had the most unexpected night of extreme intimacy and closeness last night. I cooked her favorite meal and made her chocolate cake while she watched the game! We talked about what I need to do next and I told her I want to make the appointment at the Endo. She didn't get mad and seems to be accepting it and thinking about it although I didn't exactly get an OK to call the Endo yet. So I guess I wait until therapy this week and bring it up again. I feel blessed to be with someone that does love me enough to work through this with me. She is an amazing woman! I love her so much!

Hi Genzen,

I came out to my wife a year ago today, after a lost round against my dysphoria brought me to the ER.

At that time she could not accept me doing anything more than therapy.  So I started with therapy.

Once she learnt that HRT would work slowly, & that it could be stopped within the first few months without any permanent changes, she agreed with my therapist that I should just start on them & see how I felt.  It became very evident within only a few days that they were having a significant positive effect on my emotions & behaviour.

Over the past year she has gradually accepted the changes that have occurred.  Initially she thought she wouldn't be able to stay with me the instant I started growing boobs.  Now she is OK with the B-cups on my chest.  People change over time. 

My wife has been very happy with the emotional & behavioural changes HRT has given me.  I am more pleasant to be around & often agree with her on things that had formerly involved arguments.  She has been able to see such obvious positive benefits of HRT, that she has become willing to accept everything else.  We are still very much in love with each other.

I also have no plans for any surgeries.  The hormone treatment has been enough to ease my dysphoria, at least for now.  We are aware that that may change, but "for now" is enough for both of us.

I tried hard to move slowly.  Partly so that my wife could keep pace with me, partly because my own internal transphobia is & always has beeen very strong.  We do not transition alone.  Everyone in our lives gets to transition with us.

Very early on, I was told that the most I should do, is the least that will ease the dysphoria.  This has helped me a lot.  As has an acceptance that it seems likely that I may never transition any more than I already have.

May you find the best way forward for all of you 

Tessa

I fought this for years, too many years. Every time it would come back, it would be worse and worse. I'd try to distract myself by burying myself in some single thing. My obsessions (to distract myself from my own pain) made me a poor father, a poor husband, and eventually I stood on the brink of suicide anyway.

Each of us is different. But if you are unhappy, depressed, and potentially even suicidal, this does no one any good keeping such a "marriage" together.

As TessaMarie notes, do what you need to do, whatever that turns out to be. "Transition" is a generic word. Figure out what you need and do that, whatever that is.

HRT changes everything so don't think you and everything around you will stay the same after say a year on HRT.
Plan for serious changes and losses if just shaving your beard off is such a big deal now.

In the grand scheme of thinks I think HRT, as scary as it sounds, will certainly have less of an impact then most other interventions. I've been on/off low dose HRT several times in my life. It does help emotionally and provides a sort of brain reset. To qualm her fears you may want to try low-dose as way to help you refocus rather than opting for the usual feminizing dosages. With either approach the biggest effect on her will be the distinct possibility of ED, if that is even a factor for a lesbian top.

Quote from: lilacwoman on January 21, 2014, 02:54:19 PM
HRT changes everything so don't think you and everything around you will stay the same after say a year on HRT.
Plan for serious changes and losses if just shaving your beard off is such a big deal now.

While HRT may not change "everything", it will likely change so much that it will feel like everything.  I am 7 months on HRT & already some people who have known me for years are failing to recognise me.  Neither I nor my wife think the changes have been all that major (other than the boobs, which are well camoflaged by winter clothing), but I was just told again today that my physical appearance has altered dramatically over the past few months.  As Joanne said, your libido will likely crash once on HRT, although I am noticing that mine is returning at the moment.

LilacWoman's comment about planning for serious changes is advice any one of us needs to take to heart.  Once we have admitted being trans (even to ourselves), there is no putting that genie back in its bottle.  Change will happen.  This is a given.  We always need a plan B, & even a plan C.

As LilacWoman said, if shaving your beard is a big deal now, it seems likely that you will definitely need a damage control plan in place, even as you fight hard to keep your marriage & family intact.

Be gentle with her and with yourself, but, more importantly, be honest, especially with yourself.  That said, it is good to recognise those times when prudence is a far better option than reckless honesty. 

Be well.  I am wishing you much luck & success.

Tessa