I always hear the saying "It gets better" when it comes to people in the LGBT community who are struggling but does it really get better?

For the past week or two I've been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts because of the relationship I have with my family. I came out to them this summer and they reacted violently to the fact that I'm transgender (FTM but pre-everything) and that I have a girlfriend who I've been sexually active with. To them homosexuality is a disgusting sin and I should just accept that I was born a woman.

I've tried to accept that I was born as a woman but I can't. Before I knew transitioning was a possibility I would get depressed just watching TV and seeing a guy because it would bring up feelings of jealousy from wishing I could have been born a man, hatred for my female body and social roles and hopelessness in thinking that I never would be a man so my life was a waste. I never knew there were terms for what I was feeling and I knew that people cross dressed but I never knew it was possible to actually change genders. When I discovered that it was, it gave me hope that I could one day lead a happy life but that hope has been taken away again.

I feel as if I'm being forced to choose between being myself and being a part of my family and regardless of what I choose, I'll never be happy because either way I'm going to have to sacrifice something that means everything to me. If I transition I'll have gained a new, healthy life but I'll have lost the family members I love so much (or they'll have lost me since they're the ones turning me away). If I deny that I'm transgender and don't transition my family will still love me but I'll have lost myself.

I feel like I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't, no matter which I choose I can never fully be happy. There will always be some regret or doubt.

I should also mention that my family dynamic has been built upon abuse and I've been the victim of my family's scapegoating ever since I was born. My father often laments that I was born and has said that my only purpose in being alive was to test him and my mother and drive a wedge between the two of them. He's homophobic, transphobic and racist. He's abusive in almost every form; mentally, physically, verbally and emotionally. My mother is verbally and emotionally abusive and she has a tendency to be racist even though I don't think she intends to be, I think my father has just warped her. She's also very religious though. I had a difficult time getting her to accept that I'm transgender, she finally has but now her new conviction is that I should just live as the woman god made me and accept it. She also wants me to "let go of" my girlfriend and be celibate, especially if I have "homosexual tendencies".

After knowing all of that it might seem like an easy choice to just let go and live my life free from my family but it isn't that easy. Despite the bad in them, they still have a lot of good and that's what I'll miss. I'll never be able to make any more happy memories with them and never get to know the better sides of them. I want to be there and be part of their lives. I would like to be there when my siblings graduate college, get married and things like that.

My original plan was to find a job out of state so I would have to move away. I commuted from home to a small local college so I'm long overdue for moving out anyway. I want a little distance from them, I think it would help all of us, but I don't want to lose them completely. Basically, I wanted to be around for their good times but be able to leave when/if the abuse starts. That plan was destroyed when I came out to them this summer though. I have two jobs but they're only part time so I can't afford to move out yet. All I do is work then come home and go straight to my room, the same room I've had since I was 7. It's so depressing. My family is around but they want nothing to do with me. The only friends I had are gone because they either moved away after we all graduated from college or they have their own lives and are getting married, etc. so we don't talk or see each other anymore. The only person I have is my girlfriend who is states away and can usually only communicate with me via text. My family wants me to stop talking to her and that's been a point of contention in my relationship with my family members.

I don't want to die, I would like to experience and enjoy life but sometimes the realization that no matter what choice I make, I'm never going to be happy is too much for me. I'm currently looking for a therapist who I can talk to about my gender issues and my family's abuse but my family doesn't want me to see one.

I'm not really sure what to do with my life. I think my family members may be going through a grieving process because my mother at least has been asking me things more openly, trying to include me in the family more and understanding things very slowly. I hope that when that's over they'll all understand and accept me. But what if they don't? Do things really get better?

Quote from: Contravene on January 23, 2014, 12:48:54 PM
Do things really get better?

Not on their own.

But some people do find the right path toward improvement. No one's journey is going to be the same as anyone else's. But here are things that seem to help:

* Distinguish the people in your life who are tearing you down and those who are building you up. Among the first group, try to position yourself to they do not have control or hold over you. The more damaging they are to you, the more distance you need to put between them.

* Develop a long term plan. Where can you be a month from now? A year from now? Five years? What do you need to do now to make those things happen? Can they be made to happen faster?

* Develop ways to cope with the waiting. Find things in your life that help you stay true to yourself. What do you enjoy? For me, it was reading, writing, taking walks, talking with friends, and listening to music. For you it might be other things. When you find out what those things are, do as many of them as you can.

* Realize that depression is an illusion. It tries to distract you, to distorts your perceptions, twists what you see to match our mood. Learn to recognize it, its symptoms and its effects.

* Look for ways to bring joy into other people's lives.

* Finally, recognize, that "it gets better", doesn't mean "it'll be perfect." There will always be triggers, always be people who are more manly than you, things that you wish you could change about yourself, things that won't quite be the way they would if you were born with a Y-chromosome in the mix. When you learn to accept and love your own imperfections, a lot of the rough edges become smoother.

And please don't succumb to the suicide song. That's one way to guarantee it will never get better.

Good luck, Contravene. Give yourself credit for enduring under difficult circumstances with little support. You're as tough as you need to be, though it may not feel like it now.

We're here if you need us.

Suzi has good advice.  Also, with transitioning, I have found there is no instant gratification when it comes to acceptance.  I dealt with the pain of my family disowning me for 10 years.  In fact I had one sister that would never talk to me.  she passed away in 2010, and even when she knew she was dying, would not allow me to see her....to say good bye....and I love you.  It's been only in the past 2 years that my parents now talk to me, and in their own way, accept me.  For my Dad, I know he didn't have much of a choice.  He suffered a severe stroke in 2012 and knowing all he had was me, asked for my help.  I told him I was more than willing to help him as long as he saw me for me.  Took some time, but we now have a great father-son relationship.  As the saying goes, " All good things take time."  Don't give up on yourself or the ones you love.  It might take some time apart, but yes....it does get better.  Unfortunately, sometimes, it takes a lot of perseverance. 

Things will always get better dear! Hang in there! And no matter how grim things get, don't take the easy way out.

That being said, I think you are approaching your situation all wrong. Not in terms of what you are doing, but how you are viewing the situation.

Abusive relationships are not healthy nor fruitful. In all honesty, it sounds like the abuse of your family has made you think of yourself in need of taking some kind of corrective action. (This is poorly worded, I mean that you blame yourself for your family's shortcomings)

Sometimes we just can't have the family we'd hoped for. It is a sad reality that we all must face on our journey. Your situation is easily understood by you because it is yours. Your parents were raised at a different time held to different beliefs. After doing things for years on end, you can get pretty hard headed. Your mom seems like she is coming around already. Maybe only slightly, but she seems like she could be a very important support for you if your father refuses. And hey, if not, you can always talk to me! She can offer advice about who you can fornicate with and whatnot, but it is really not her decision. Neither is transitioning, or more importantly, your right to be happy.

I think it seems so horrible because the abuse has put you in a bad place and the fact that you are not living on your own makes you feel as though you are trapped there, but you're not. Give it some time for things to improve, but if they don't, get outta there because you don't deserve to carry around their burden in addition to your own. Transitioning is not easy!

And seriously, if you need someone to talk to about anything, please don't hesitate to send me a message!

It does. I like the "it gets better" campaign in some ways, but in others, I feel it's kind of lacking. People seem to think that once you come out you're on the fast track to peachiness, but honestly it can take a long time.

Things could get better with your family, and they may not. I can't tell you whether or not you should remain in touch, as that's your decision - but I can tell you from personal experience that sometimes you have to leave bad situations in order to take care of yourself. Really, I think Suzi's advice is right on the mark.

My understanding of the phrase, "It gets better", is that particularly for teenagers, life gets better when everyone has grown up and are living in the adult world where people aren't so cruel.  The problems don't disappear necessarily, but you have more control over your life and who you associate with.  When you're younger, you have to live in a certain place, you have to go to a school with certain people, and you just get no control over the factors that can alleviate some of your suffering.

But over time, I firmly believe that it gets better.  We can't all leave our mean families behind and move across country to start again, but we can make incremental changes to our lives that cumulatively make a positive, measurable difference.  And we all have our ups and downs and it's important to realize that the downs are not permanent.

I hope some of this helps, and I hope things do start to get better for you.