Hi all,

Ok, I'm trying to work through the thoughts in my head, trying to process everything and basically trying to work out what to do next. I've spent a lot of time reading the forums, watching youtube videos, and basically researching.

This leads me to ask the question: For those who did not know from a young age that they were trans. How, and when did you figure it out (i.e what really confirmed your feelings), and how long after figuring it out did you take action?


I'm asking this primarily to try and get a sense of what to do next. I wont lie, half my brain's saying I'm trans, the other half's saying I'm not. When I allow that second half to have it's way, I feel a sense of loss. Logically this leads me to then think I am trans, then the thought process repeats itself over and over. I'm stuck in an infinite loop, which as any programmer know, is never a good thing!!

I'm sure that this thread already exists elsewhere.
I can say that I have thoughts about which gender I am and I don't consider myself 100% male, but I don't know and I'm not ready to go and talk to somebody about my thoughts yet. I'd say that I did began having these thoughts at the same time as my puberty started, which was when I was about 13 years old. I couldn't stand the thought of being hairy all over my body, an worst of all have a beard! I'm currently 20 years old and I'm trying to kill every single hair that pops up below my eyebrows.

I never knew when I was young, but looking back as an older person (thirties) I can see the signs.  And it wasn't some "Eureka!" moment either, but rather a ho-hum "guess I'm trans" process over a year or so of reflection.  After that, it's taken me a few months to start to take steps.  Nothing major, but slowly working towards becoming more feminine.

Every step is a step forward! 

All my life I felt that I was different. I came out as a cross dresser 8 1/2 years ago at age fifty six. I felt relieved, but soon sensed that my experiences ran deeper than clothing. After much research, I read about transgender and it immediately connected with me. A few years later, I was reading some old stories I had written years before. I was shocked  to discover that I was struggling with gender issues for several years.    

I'm not sure how helpful my story will be, because it felt like a bolt of lightning the summer I was 32 - I literally said to myself "I'm a woman."   And I started transition about a month after that moment (went to see a gender therapist, which is probably a good start for you too).

FWIW, I approached transition for a long time as "let me see if this next step makes me happy," since all the people who'd known they were trans since they were toddlers made me feel like I had to be faking it. So instead of saying definitively that I had to transition 100%, I decided to try each new step and see how I felt. I was consistently thrilled, so somewhere around a year on HRT I admitted I probably was trans and in it for the long haul. Heh.

The fist signals I remember about my female tendencies are from when I was around 8 years old. At that time I liked to wear my mom shoes and clothes, but I think that was more of a kid thing than anything else...I mean, I don't remember having this feeling at that time...but who knows?

I don't remember why I have stopped doing that, but I secretely restarted to crossdress when I was around 15 years old and from there since I always felt envy of women and I always had this desire of wanting to be a female, but as I though that was impossible I buried that feeling deeply in my mind until last year..... when with 26 years old, I finaly realized that my "problem" had a name and a solution.. I seeked help immediately and could find a therapist really fast.

Everything made sense after that.

I was completely oblivious to any sort of dysphoria as a kid.

I finally did start feeling it right around puberty... and the way that I realized that something was wrong was when I noticed that every single one of my guy friends was looking forward to the changes of puberty, but I was dreading them. They wanted the deeper voice, they wanted the body hair and facial hair and bulkier muscles. I didn't. I was terrified of my voice changing, I was completely disgusted by the prospect of growing body hair, and I felt like a hideous lumbering hulk of an animal due to the male muscles. Plus when I started seeing my pudgy young face become more adult, and people called me "handsome" and a "little man," I HATED it. Whereas what I saw the girls going through, for some reason it was what felt right to me. I wanted to have that smooth skin back. I wanted to be hairless again. I wanted more than anything to have my unchanged voice back. I wanted to be able to wear revealing clothes and show off my body instead of constantly hiding it because it was ugly. And most of all, I realized that erections and the entirety of my male anatomy felt wrong to me, while every single time I saw a girl, and realized what she had, I just felt so lonely because I felt trapped in a body that was fighting against me.

I harbored these desires, knowing full well that they were transgender feelings, for 13 years before finally doing something about them. And it took me to the point where I realized how miserable I was... how I had trouble talking to people, how I didn't seem to be capable of a normal sex life, how every single facet of my life was being hindered by my gender issues. And finally I decided that it was at least worth a try to change my physical body to the form that I had always wished it could be. And once I went on hormones, that was it, I was done, I knew that I had made the right decision. And now here I am a year later, becoming happy with my body again for the first time since I was 13 years old.

My suggestion is, quite sincerely, don't worry just yet about figuring out if you're Truly Trans [tm] and will need to sign up for the whole gamut of possible transition interventions. That can wait, seriously.

Figure out what you want *now.* Would you like to try cross-dressing and going out that way? Is there a friend you trust enough to test out different pronouns? (Do you like being perceived as another gender on message boards like this one, to test the waters?) There is no rule that says you *must* make a decision about the rest of your life, the sum total of your psyche, or every possible transition decision now, or in the near future. It's perfectly fair to focus on a few small things, see how you feel, and go from there.

I could look back through my past and put together a narrative of hints and clues, too... but we shouldn't have to. I decided that I wanted to transition NOW, and proving who I'd been in the past wasn't necessary as a permission slip first. I was a cis boy who grew up into a trans woman.  It happens; there are a lot more stories out there than the standard trans narrative of someone who knew from the time they could talk and was bent on transition since puberty. (To be clear, I'm not saying those stories aren't *true* for many people. Just that they're not the only possible story out there.) If you want to seek out a therapist, or explore a bit on your own, you can. In my experience, cis people don't spend this much time overthinking things, anyway.

Here's my story and where I'm at to give you an idea of why I consider myself transgender.

It was never a eureka moment by any means. It has been a cumulative effort over the years that first "manifested" around puberty. It wasn't until much later that I actually realized what these signs and symptoms meant to me.

When I was very young I used to ride around in one of those motorized plastic vehicles. For some reason I chose a pink Barbie jeep. I think this may have been the first sign that something wasn't quite right although it took me 23 years to think of that.

Right about when puberty started I started having crazy mood swings. I started cutting myself, contemplating suicide, and depression out the arse. The worst part about the whole thing is that I didn't understand why I felt this way or what was wrong with me.

I was at the same grade school from 4th through 8th grade. I had a class of 13 people so I didn't really understand that there was more than just jocks and nerds and girls lol. When I got to high school, it was a school of 2000! I instantly clicked with those emo kids. Probably because I desperately wanted to paint my face and look pretty. I say probably but I struggle to find another reason. My Christian parents threw the bible banhammer down on my new image. I don't think I got to paint my nails enough times to even realize why I wanted it so badly. At this time I was struggling with popularity issues and everything was very difficult and confusing anyways. This exact time is when I started to be extremely depressed. I gave up on school and didn't look back. I lost all motivation in life and I almost killed myself on multiple occasions. I'm glad I didn't; life has a funny way or working itself out.

On a lighter note, one thing that always struck me as odd. I'm sure plenty of people do this, but I always choose to be a woman when I play videogames. Every single time. It's not a sexual satisfaction thing whatsoever. I can't give a better reason than it is a preference 100% of the time. I didn't think it any different until recently playing with my friends and they chose to be guys every time. I just said I liked looking at boobs and booty. It's out of envy and not desire. :/

Anyways, I broke countless girls' hearts with an uncontrollable lack of interest that always gets me sooner or later. I think that once that infatuation stage wears off I just don't care the way I should. This applies to just about every aspect of life. I can't find motivation in anything in life really other than for videogames or drugs. They are means of escape from a very stifled reality. I have been this way since puberty. I have always described it that it feels like a part of me has died. Coupled with a lack of creativity and motivation and drug "addiction, it isn't hard to see if you look hard enough.

So you don't have to figure out an answer for this right away; discovering your true self can take years of time and analyzing subtle clues. I tell you what though, I still get introverted and don't talk to even my closest friends or girlfriend for even weeks on end. I guess I just never really knew why I acted that way until now.

I think everyone feels "different" from everyone else and it's not really a good judge of whether or not you are trans. We all have a need for individualism. I've had only what I can I can describe as a yearning to be a woman. I can just feel it. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to figure out.

Now I just need the strength to tell my family. Thanks for reading my novel. I think I shall write a book about this. Lol

The more I talk about it the more it solidifies my yearning. Lol sry for double post

Quote from: nether on January 23, 2014, 05:22:22 PM
The more I talk about it the more it solidifies my yearning. Lol sry for double post

Don't worry about it - I know exactly what you mean with regards to talking about it. The more I read peoples posts, the more it brings thoughts that I didnt even know I had, right to the front of my mind. In the last week or so I've had so many "oh I forgot about that...hmmm..." moments it's unbelievable.

Writing seems to help HUGELY. I managed to smash out something like 25 pages on the DAY I started questioning everything, compiling all my thoughts. I'm not a writer - I never write. Yet I felt I needed to do so for some reason.

There's even more if you care to hear it. I'd definitely be interested in your 25 page report. Lol send me a pm

Yeah, I remember feeling the same way at first, and I'm a bit of a hypocrite since I didn't do a great job of "one step at a time" thinking either. And, hey, you *do* have an answer to what you want to do now!! It's "sit with this and think about and absorb it for a bit." And that is TOTALLY FINE. Let yourself adjust to the whole idea for as long as you need. There's no rush, and no guaranteed set of milestones you need to check off a list, either.

For now, just breathe. Yep, it's true that if you're putting this much effort into thinking about it and trying to prove something, you likely are some flavor of trans. But that, too, can wait until you've let the idea sink in a bit.  You're absolutely right that you can take as long as you need.

(As an aside, there are also people who do some "transition things" but not others, or take 15 years to finish their personal journey, and so on. You do what *you* need to do, and there's no wrong way to be trans. I promise.)

Short version-  I sort of always knew, but it got ridiculed and beaten out of me from the ages of 4 to 14 to the point where I had fully assimilated into the dudebro culture.  I wasn't a crossdresser at all but, OMG did I always wish I could just be a girl.  I had long hair and pierced ears as soon as I got out of my parents' house, I was female in a lot of dreams, and that was that.  I never could quite get myself to cross the line and open that big ugly can of worms until late 2012 when it REALLY got to me, I started drinking myself to death and my wife knew something was seriously wrong.   She suspected a hormonal imbalance...   

Plan "A" was to do whatever I could to die with my deepest, darkest secret intact. FAIL.

Plan "B" was to just wear what I wanted in private, no hormones, maybe take antidepressants and antianxiety drugs, carry on as if no problem.  FAIL.

Plan "C", at my therapist's suggestion, was to take a low dose of estrogen to see if it made me feel better and maybe I wouldn't actually have to transition. WIN... well, mostly. At least the E was working wonders for my mood.

Plan "D" was to try going out my front door and being myself in public once in awhile to see if transitioning was even feasible for me. WIN. BIG WIN.

Plan "E" happened after I stopped caring what everyone thought.  I came out and transitioned.  BEST WIN EVER.

So yes, it was a process that happened gradually from October to March, with a successful positive reaction to HRT in January.  I didn't choose transition as much as it chose me.

I lived the first 45 years of my life knowing that I was "different" and that I didn't fit in anywhere, but I had no clue what the difference was. So I just kept living my guy life. The bad thing about that was that I was drinking more and more as the years slipped past - I was very unhappy but could not put a finger on why, so I drank to escape the mental anguish.

Around 45 I started having occasional feminine feelings and thoughts. I manned up and ignored them.

Around 46 I felt compelled to search the internet to see what I could find out, because the feelings got a little bit worse.

Around 47 I figured out that I was probably an androgyne. I started experimenting with herbs and stuff to change my body. The feelings grew stronger. I think I joined Susan's about this time. I also switched from the herbs to a low dose of HRT which mitigated the feelings a lot. My unhappiness still continued in full force.

Around 48 the feelings increased. I decided I was more bigender than androgyne. I started buying a small collection of feminine clothes and eventually started experimenting with makeup. I had wild swings between feeling male and female, and when I felt female I was fearless and did things I'd never do in boy mode while daring anyone to say anything about it. That kind of behavior scared the poop out of me when I was back in boy mode.

Around 49 I went out publicly as Eva for the first time. The feelings grew more and I began to consider that I might be out of control. Every waking thought was something about my gender, and something about being a girl.

At 50 the drinking and the feelings were definitely out of control. I was going through a 30 pack of beer about every 4 days and was going to work still buzzing hard on most mornings. I took an assessment of the sorry state of my life, realized that I was killing myself, and decided that I had hit near rock bottom and needed immediate help. I knew my issues were gender related so I made an appointment with a gender therapist. I dreaded what I thought that she was probably going to help me figure out.  Right before I turned 51 I accepted that I am a transsexual and moved up to a transitioning dose of HRT.

On the full dose of HRT the urge to drink pretty much stopped. I go through each day mostly happy now. My mental state is like the difference between night and day. I never knew that my life could be like this 

I didn't know until I was 14. I don't remember caring that much about the differences between boys and girls when I was little, although I always had little girlfriends and was perfectly fine to hang out with the girls when all the boys were running around or whatever. It was probably once I become physically attracted to girls that I started to be jealous of them and wishing I was like them. I spent the next bunch of years trying to figure out how to use make up and cross dress and stuff like that. I figured I was over it by the time I moved out to college, but a year later I had my own place and my quest to fill up my closet with girl clothes returned. It took a couple more years to learn about transgender stuff that wasn't horrible daytime tv. After a while, I learned about hrt and everything and while it seemed very far away, I desperately wanted it. In the meantime I did a lot to shed my masculine features including massive amounts of LHR. I guess that started around 22-23. I had a job and could afford to get involved in this. I could also afford to build up my wardrobe and make up and stuff. It would be a while later before I started HRT.

I guess it has been a step by step process for me and I'm still working at it. Every day I work more on my body and my presentation and building my confidence.

But I do distinctly remember those nights when I was 14 when I would wish so hard I would just wake up a girl. I guess that's when I knew I wasn't like my friends. Learning what/how to deal with it would take me a lot longer.

I didn't come to the real conclusion I could be TS until I was twenty years old. I was just different and girly younger(which lead to extreme bullying and dropping out of school etc), but certainly not insistent I was a girl. I CD'ed from six years old or so, but was very closeted.

I can remember wanting to be a girl at 7 (1964) but not knowing how to but knowing I would be somehow.
Age 13 I first cross dressed (1971) and also read about "sex change" operation but it was in an April 1 st edition of the paper and I didn't believe it!I started drinking,cutting and skipping meals to cope and got into a ton of fights at school
Age 14 I wished I was the girl on the back of an older boy at school's BSA motorbike (1972)
Age 15 I saw a short film of Roberta Cowell and knew it was possible and there were others like me (1973)
Age 20 I had long hair and pierced ears (1977)
Age 21 I read about a transexuals life story in a seedy newspaper and it was like a bucket of cold water was thrown over me.I realised this wasn't going away (1978) My drinking and consumption of speed and weed went up as I lacked the confidence to transition
Age 31 I sought help (1989)
Age 32 (1990) started HRT,electrolysis and living/socialising in role at nights and weekends
Age 33 (1991) went full time
Age 37 (1994) GRS
Age 43 (2000) lost virginity for 2nd time!

Quote from: ConfusedHumanUK on January 23, 2014, 02:03:03 PM
I wont lie, half my brain's saying I'm trans, the other half's saying I'm not. When I allow that second half to have it's way, I feel a sense of loss. Logically this leads me to then think I am trans, then the thought process repeats itself over and over. I'm stuck in an infinite loop

You've just described my life. And while I agree that a stint of HRT is a great diagnostic tool for some people (and I have enjoyed my two stints of HRT), it didn't help me decide one way or the other. As a result, I've had to accept that I'm neither "completely" trans* nor "completely" cis, but somewhere in the middle (wherever that is). It's not that the goal posts keep moving, but rather that there are no goal posts.

To be honest, I really didn't have a crisis about my trans-ness until I found out what being trans really meant. When I found out I was a bit like you, "Well, am I trans or not?" As it turns out, you don't have to commit to either of those binary states.

Wait, we are trans*, but, hm... damn, it's difficult isn't it?

Put it this way, I've cross-dressed since the age of seven. I have a huge fantasy of living as a female. But I identify and live as a male. Whenever I've begun to transition (I've had two 6-month stints on HRT between 2012-13) I end up missing my male side -- and then the cycle starts again. After seeing this pattern, I took stock and realised that I was not going to transition (even though some part of me wants to).

Clear as mud?