So, the situation is, I came out to my dad as transgendered in November and at first he seemed slightly receptive to it. But I've been getting mixed to negative feelings from him lately, and earlier this month he basically shunned the idea and told me that he won't give me consent to obtain HRT from an endocrinologist, so I have to wait until I'm older.

Thing is, I don't technically need consent under certain conditions where I live, but it would be damn near impossible for me to get a therapist, get diagnosed with gender dysphoria, get a referral to an endocrinologist, and then get HRT. Puberty blockers are currently inaccessible to me because I don't have any means of transportation that isn't overseen by my dad.

He's basically forcing me to wait to start HRT. He said that when I'm older, I can make any decision I want, but he doesn't want me to be seen with him in public, at all, because that would draw attention to him. Which I understand completely.

But he also told me that he wants me to go to the therapist because he wants them to condition me to be comfortable in the skin I'm in. First of all, that is NOT happening. Secondly, that's completely outrageous. I've wanted to transition since I was 11 years old, and nothing is going to stop me now.

My dad is non-negotiable. I've shown him before and after pictures, I've told him prices, he doesn't believe a word I say. He says that only one or two people in the world look convincing as a female if they already looked feminine in the first place and cake makeup on. He also says I'll look like an ugly drag queen and get influenced by older men and then thrown out on the street. He says I look nothing like a woman (completely disregarding the effects of HRT that I told him) and that I'm a man and always will be a man. Nothing I say to him about HRT or transitioning works, as he is completely uneducated about the subject (my uncle is the same way, and what's worse is that my dad listens to him, and they both agree that this is not a plausible option).

I'm lucky enough to have an insurance plan that covers HRT, but God forbid I ever mention it in front of my dad, because he'll say it's untrue and tell me there's no adequate proof and that I'm lying and have no basis for my argument. He says that HRT is unaffordable, but if indeed my insurance plan does cover HRT, I will literally only have to pay co-payments of $5-$20 a month. My dad does not understand this concept.

He also believes that the surgeries cost a lot, which in actuality, they do, but at the same time, my insurance plan apparently does cover these surgeries (SRS, FFS) because it does not consider them an elective for some reason. The price I pay could be significantly reduced by this. Thing is, I don't think I really need that much FFS because my face is naturally more feminine than a lot of other guys that I know, and SRS is something that I want but am not entirely interested in until a bit later because I do see it as something that isn't immediately necessary. I want to pass on the outside first and foremost.

Like I said, my father is non-negotiable. I'm afraid of waiting because I don't want to become any more masculine, and as I said, neither HRT nor puberty blockers are accessible to me at this time, nor is therapy or an endocrinologist. I live in New York State, in the capital region, by the way.

What do you suppose I do?

Go to therapy. They have confidentiality. They can not tell your dad what you discuss. They will tell you what they can by law do and, what they can't during your first meeting.

Your dad wants you to get therapy.

If your therapist is not versed in trans issues, you can always ask them for a referral to another.

Listen closely. Your dad does not get to make your therapist do anything when it comes to you. NO THERAPIST CAN MAKE YOU DO ANYTHING YOU DO NOT WANT TO DO.

Just because your dad doesn't get being trans, doesn't mean he is wrong about therapy.

Well, I'm pretty sure you're going to have to wait. I wasn't aware GnrH antagonists, puberty blockers, are covered as they are mad expensive but even if they were, or are, you need to see a therapist. If you want to transition, you need to see a therapist. Really, they're just therapists. Who doesn't need one? In fact, you'd have a head start. But I would be looking for a job if I were you and I'd stop discussing this with your dad as for now. Let it sink in. It's been like, what, two months? That's nothing.

You SHOULD go to a therapist, but one who is qualified to deal with and treat Gender Dysphoria.  In the United States, the APA (American Psychatric Association AND the American Psychology Association) have BOTH determined that it is UNETHICAL to try to convince someone who is transsexual - especially type 5 or type 6, to accept their birth gender.

My book, "Debbie's Secret Life" talks about the adverse consequences of trying to live in "Stealth mode" rather than transitioning.

Since 2010, there has been a LOT of research into transgenders and in surveys with up to 1 million transgender respondents, more than half have attempted suicide at least once before their 30th birthday.  Now that police are investigating suicides for possible cyber-terror or cyber-bullying, they have discovered that more than HALF of all successful teen suicides involved LGBT youth, usually after they were involuntarily outed, rejected by a lover, or shunned by their parents.

In addition, because so many transsexuals are rejected by their parents, many transsexuals, especially MTFs end up in self-destructive behavior and resort to criminal behavior including prostitution, drug trade, or other criminal enterprises to survive, often being forced to do so by someone who forces them to do so.

When you combine numbers from suicides, AIDS, being murdered, and "accidents", the prognosis for forcing an MTF to "be comfortable in their own skin" in dismal indeed.

If you dad knew you had a disease that had a 75% chance of killing you before your 30th birthday, wouldn't he want you to get the treatment that could save your life?

On the flip side, of those who DO transition, more than 95% are happier, healthier, and more productive after transition.

Talking with a qualified therapist (internet or LGBT community center is a good source for a list), is critical for a number of reasons.  The first is that she can properly assess where you are on the scale today, and where you are likely to go.

The transgender scale is very broad, ranging from 1 - completely cisgenic to 6 - likely to become self destructive if not transitioned.

The thing is that so many of us become masters of deception, living the lie of pretending to be OK with our male bodies even though we know that this is not who we are.  My father used to always say "you're so phony, why can't you be yourself".  Yet when I told my family that I was transsexual - SEVERAL TIMES - he couldn't believe it.

Sadly, there was very little scientific information for many years.  Christine Jorgensen had her operation in the 1950s, and many thought she was the first.  She wasn't, but she was the first to have her story made public.

Harry Benjamin's paper didn't come out until 1969, and was disputed as "quack science" when it first came out (as were Kinsey, Masters & Johnson, and Hite).

In many states, doctors could lose their licenses if the performed Orchiectomies or SRS operations.  Even today, many doctors refuse to recommend HRT or SRS because they could lose their privileges in faith based hospitals.

Empirical Research on large populations of transgender MtF and FtM people wasn't even possible until 2010.

Maybe suggest he joins here as a SO?

I just want to say that I hope the best for you and listen to the people commenting because they know what they're talking about. I had a father who loved me and I know I was lucky to have him. The problem was I was in such internal pain from my gender issue and no body but my self knew.  Therapy saved my life.

Yes, go see a therapist.  But make sure the first thing you discuss is gender dysphoria, and ask for a referal if the therapist isn't fully versed in gender issues.  Preadolecsent teens have legal rights to mental health care in most states, and in emergencies there are no questions asked.  But I'm sorry to hear you need your father for access to that care, so play along and see the therapist and use that to your advantage. 

By the way, there are resources available in New York for trans-youth. Here's a link to some very good  information, but you may have already checked into these.
http://www.nytransguide.org/community#toc2

You can discuss issues with the local Help and Resource Centers listed in the link.  And they can advise you about rights to care, and access to medical treatment.  I admit I don't know the specific laws in NY, so those centers are a good place to start.  Call or send an email to them.  They're goal is to help the transgender public who have nowhere else to turn.  And I'm sure they hear from a lot of girls like you.

Hugs hun, and take care. 
Kathy 

Quote from: Chic on January 24, 2014, 10:48:18 PM
Puberty blockers are currently inaccessible to me because I don't have any means of transportation that isn't overseen by my dad.

It sounds like you already know what you want to do and some of the options available to you, the only real issue is that you depend on your dad for transportation.
I think the best way to deal with parents who are unsupportive is to start working towards being independent.  Go out and find a part time job if you have to.  Even if it's only enough to get you bus fare, it's still a measure of freedom that will let you pursue the things you want to.

Sure... it would be nice if your Dad came around... but there is no guarantee that he ever will.  To me his statement that "you can do whatever you want when you are 18" sounds more like... "you can move out of my house when you turn 18 and do whatever the hell you want, but I'm still not going to support you."    If that sounds about right to you, then you should start planning now.  You don't want to be looking for your first job when you're 18 and need it to live on.

There are a lot of posts on this forum from college students and 20-somethings complaining that they still can't transition because their parents won't let them.  It basically boils down to "I'm living on their money so I have to play by their rules."  Please don't let this be you. 

There are also a lot of young trans youth living on the street without any way to support themselves.  I don't want you to end up there either.

If you are committed to doing this you need to have a financial plan as well as a transition plan. 

I use to work in an area of town where all the homeless trans kids hung out. They just roamed the streets and tried to survive. This is definitely not the life you want to end up at.

I feel self diagnosis is as or more dangerous then self medicating.

Seeing a therapist is important. Find out where you stand in the process and what path you must walk.

If you are in the states you could try planned parenthood for services in therapy. I know here in Montreal there is a special place just for teens that can go for there support. See if you have a local LGBT group that might have information or a local College sometimes has a group.

You need outside professional help and now is the time to seek it out, do not waste time walking the wrong path. Make it the path of happiness.

Isabell

I suggested my own book, but you might also have your father some of the books by Katie Leone.
Her "Jenny" series is outstanding, even though it's a bit of a long read.

The thing to remember is that your father loves you and wants you to be happy.  He has no concept of what it's like to grow up trapped in a man's body when all you have wanted for as long as you can remember was to be a girl.  In his mind, being a man is "better", he can't imagine why you would want to give that up.

It's not his fault.  Think about it.  There are almost no books, movies, or literature on the the experience of young transsexuals going through transition.  There aren't even many documentaries on the subject.  When I got my Kindle for Christmas a few years ago, I was astonished that there were so many books with transgender themes.  However, even there, it is easy to get lost in the maze of "Sissies" and forced feminization, forgetting that many of these stories are written by transsexuals who wished that they had someone loving and supportive who could give them support in looking, dressing, and acting like a woman as firm and decisive as the forces that forced the boy to dress, look, and act like a man.  To a cisgender man, such "forced" feminization would be his worst nightmare, but to a transsexual, it would be a dream come true.

What's great about Katie's books is that she addresses the period when the transsexual first becomes aware of her desires to be a girl, and in the case of "God Bless the Child", even covers some of the extreme measures that some transsexuals, especially young one, will do to become a girl.

Some other good books include:
"The Squirrel Cage".
"Undercover Girl" - Jill Davidson
"Confessions of a transsexual physician" - Jessica Angelina Birch
"When I Count to Three" - Katie Leone
"Luna" - Julie Anne Peters

All of these are available via Kindle/Amazon and can be read on Kindle devices, Kindle software, or on Amazon cloud.

You should also have him join a few of the boards, including this one,
Take a look at this link as well
http://www.lauras-playground.com/transsexual_transgender_research.htm

You might also want your father to check out PFLAG, which is a support group for parents and families of LGBT people.

What is your father going to do when the therapist he sends you to tells him that you are trans and should be at least on hormone blockers, if not HRT? Will he deny the very medical professional he chose?

If your therapist is receptive and believes you need to transition, perhaps a joint session with the three of you will make your father understand?