Quote from: Brandon on January 19, 2014, 10:30:09 PM
Since I am a Christian I go to church every sunday and alot of the mothers their have babies, And sometimes this feeling of not nessicarily jealousy but more of a feeling of I should have had that. I mean I'm happy they don't have to deal with what I'm dealing with but, No matter how hard I try to not get down depressed it doesn't work. It hurts me to know that I can never be mommies little man, They even have bibs that say it, And I seen some of the male babies with them on, Not even just that but the fact that my mom dressed me as a girl when I was baby and in pink makes me mad. Or even getting told that there gonna be a handsome young fella or he's gonna be a heartbreaker when he gets older,  I feel I'm missing something that was taken away from me, Yea.... I somewhat get a teen boyhood because I have three male friends and we boys, And that's all they see me as but being a really young boy, I never got to experience that,  Or even growing into a man and my family saying he's grown into a handsome man without having to go through all this. Ill never here that, most guys do when they hit puberty as a bio male. I know ill never here that from my mother or any other family members. I love my mom, I am a mommas boy and knowing that she will never see me as her son is killing me on the inside. Theres know real way I can just quit thinking about any of this when Ive missed out on so much because of who I am and it sucks!!!! Sometimes I really just wanna end it, I don't even know what I'm here for anyways, I would have rather been just not born to be honest.... .

I know exactly how you feel. I have a son on the way and I am completely envious of him and he's not even here yet. He gets to experience everything I didnt. Everything from learning to aim to actual puberty and just having the right anatomy. I pray he doesn't have to go through what Im going through. Raising him will be a real challenge for me because I cant just run away when Im feeling dysphoric or envious. I know eventually he will encounter his own problems in life like everyone else but its the simple fact that he'll have what I don't and theres NO way of getting it. Yea theres surgeries BUT FOR ME it doesn't compare to having it be biological. 

I often catch myself watching the high school boys playing sports out around my apartment complex and wishing that I could have had that life growing up. I was never feminine at all, but I was never able to play sports with the other boys. I was always envious of that, but I realized that I did start my transition younger than some people, so I still have youth left in me (just not so much as to have been brought up as a male). I am not angry over being raised female though. It taught me a lot of valuable life lessons that I doubt I would have learned had I been raised male. It's made me the person I am today, and I think that's a pretty good thing.