Hi Robin,
In answer to your question; No, you are NOT crazy for investigating every avenue prior to the inevitable. However, be aware you don't fall into the "Can't see the forest for the trees Syndrome."

Have you considered  the possibility you don't, "want to want to be a woman," because you are already? What we are talking about here is all to do with your brain gender.

And yes, if the inevitable is true in your case, then a total rebuild of your life is part of the price that has to be paid to placate your brain gender. HT may make this somewhat clearer.

Huggs
Catherine

The "inevitable" is your own word. I would never encourage transition(it's documentably problematic) Certainly exhaust all possibilities for you. Do remember the vast majority of gender variant people never transition and the majority that do transition don't make it surgical.

Robin, I have been exactly where you are for decades. I have thought long and hard about what it means to tear down my life, and replace it with something completely unknown. That thought has utterly terrified me. I believe subconsciously, I have done things and made decisions deliberately to sabotage my ability to easily transition, because I didn't want to be even confronted with the possibility. But the war within myself has become so painful, that I must do something. I have made the decision to start hormones, and that will begin in a couple of weeks. I am going to start out with a fairly low dose to see if it feels right for me. If the verdict is yes, I gradually increase it. I have not fully committed to full transition yet, but I am planing for it, and doing a number of things to put my life into a better position for me to do it. My suspicion is that the hormones will feel absolutely right, and I will want to accelerate things.

Keep forgetting to change my avatar.

It weird because I've been vaguely TG my whole adult life and known it, but the actual realization that my gender may just be female is mind blowing.  I'm taking it slow.

Quote from: RobinTheAmazon on January 31, 2014, 06:35:31 AM
Wow.  I really surprised myself.

My answer was an emphatic, absolute yes.

It seems to me that you are not afraid of being female. You are afraid of having to tell people you are female.

I do not blame you. Transition is horribly destructive, however you will never achieve any peace if you fail to be honest with yourself.

Quote from: RobinTheAmazon on January 31, 2014, 06:35:31 AM
Wow.  I really surprised myself.

My answer was an emphatic, absolute yes.

If that is the case, then it really does simplify things a bit. Then the question starts to become "is it worth it to attempt to be that which you want?", because as I alluded to in my previous post some people define their happiness, and at times even their sense of self from other people. As strange as it would seem transition requires at least a certain amount of love for oneself, since it is almost always easier from other peoples point of view not to transition.

I remember when I asked myself the same question I asked in the previous post, I came up with yes as well, but also had some incredible misgivings about the repercussions. At the time when I got to the point that I realized that I would only really be able to be happy as a woman, I was in a terrible state to actually do so. I wasn't out to my wife at the time, only one of my friends knew, I didn't have a job, or transportation, or parents who could take me in. I was so worried about being homeless or getting into a situation with such despair that I would take my own life. I sense this might be a bit of the driver of your trepidation as well.

I wrote a blog post here, years ago now Called "research suggests, don't jump the gun" https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,100573.0.html and basically I followed that an it really saved me. I never moved quicker than I thought safe, When I wrote that 2 and a half years ago, I had just got a part time job at a retail store but I was still totally dependent on other people, but the idea alone that I could transition and do so successfully if I just planned things out and didn't do anything faster than I should really has seemed to work out okay for me.

Now, that has been moving really, really slow in my view, I am not a patient woman, I want a body that conforms to my mind; but I did gain total independence, I tripled my income, I bought a car, I came out to everyone who was important to me and when I did no one hated me for it, and I got on hormones. Sure, some people have completed their entire transition in less than 2 years, and I suspect it will be another 2 for me before I have SRS, but really it seems outcomes are pretty heavily tied to planning and having the resources to accomplish what you need to accomplish.

I really hope some of this helped, it is a very legitimate worry that upending your life could just leave you worse than you started, stuck somewhere mid transition, but if you are careful you can really do a great deal to minimize any problems like that, and have a much better chance to having great outcomes.

Robin, I struggled with the girl for decades. It was bloody awful. After years of psychotherapy, I came out to my wife when I was 58. Not much intimacy any more, but at least we are still together. When I was 59, I started HRT. I still present publicly as male more or less, mostly as a compromise for the love of my life, but the hormone therapy has lifted the tremendous stone from the slope in front of me. I know I would be happier with electrolysis (over waxing), FFS, a tracheal shave and vocal fold shortening, but I don't know if I can go that far comfortably at 60.

As was pointed out severally in the thread, no one wants to be TG, but if you are, eventually she will express herself, the world about you will observe certain casual signs, tokens and words; your best choice- embrace the girl, somehow. You can't ignore her. She isn't going away. The last couple of years I have been getting to know Ellie. I like her. I'm sorry I didn't let her out a lot sooner, but late is better than never

Quote from: Hikari on January 31, 2014, 02:17:17 PM
wrote a blog post here, years ago now Called "research suggests, don't jump the gun" https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,100573.0.html

Great post! Great thread!

I think I've gotten to the point where I can admit that I'm a girl doing a terrible job of pretending to be a man, but operating in a male body.  This is big.


I'm just trying to let it wash over me

Good place to be Robin.
I can see that boulder getting much smaller. Soon it'll disappear completely and the slope will diminish. Just keep doing what you're  doing. Moving forward.

Huggs
Catherine

Resistance is futile !

Quote from: peky on January 31, 2014, 07:46:25 PM
Resistance is futile !

Amen to that, Sistaaaaa.

Quote from: peky on January 31, 2014, 07:46:25 PM
Resistance is futile !

And that can be quite sad to watch. I'm watching the marriage of a friend be destroyed as she fights to hold onto two worlds. As I said to my therapist, I don't mean to be presumptuous, but the girl will win and she'll end up transitioning eventually.

"I have made the decision to start hormones, and that will begin in a couple of weeks. I am going to start out with a fairly low dose to see if it feels right for me. If the verdict is yes, I gradually increase it. I have not fully committed to full transition yet, but I am planing for it, and doing a number of things to put my life into a better position for me to do it. My suspicion is that the hormones will feel absolutely right, and I will want to accelerate things."

To April:  I did this gradually, but with shrinks letter, endo guy, etc, although my dysphoria would have driven me to desperate measures to get them.  It is imperative to work with the shrink/docs if you are not already.

Hormones for me we started and stopped because I couldn't control myself well in the begining.  Far better to do it right.  It did however confirm quickly my mental love of estrogen.  Huge difference.

To all - what a thread.  Huge help to me too.

"I think the prudent question for the OP is that if you didn't have to explain it to people or pay for it or start over if you could just magically wake up to being a female you, but you couldn't go back would you do it?"

This was an eye opener thanks for posting it.  It confirmed my decision which is not to do SRS indefinitely and to continue living stealth - male presentation until I get behind closed doors, a preop TS in disguise, and happy about all of it.

Stage 4 Benjamin, loosely.  Some of that doesn't fit well but I'm not a TV either.  We are all very different is all about finding yourself and getting rid of self deception.  I needed a lot of help with that one.  I work construction as an estimator, I race professionally, professionally act, do lots of mentally male stuff, and feel totally physically girl under all of that.  And my reaction to what I see in the mirror is intense.  Another Danika LOL.

I think its great to have that immediate yes.  You wont be as conflicted as I was.  For me, I hate seeing the balls and the beard but I can tolerate it, and have to learn that it is part of my beauty - from the neck down.  And at 5'9 and 138 on 8 months of hormones, I look pretty delicious.  One shave and I'm free!  But the wife and kids needs that small sacrifice and my dysphoria is such that  I can handle it since I know the beard is just a disguise, another role to play, for a season.

Everyone sounds so wise!  So helpful! So mature!

One reason for the maturity of this thread is that it's us older girls who've invested too much time in our outer shells that have more to lose.  I'm glad other people got a lot out of this thread.

Quote from: peky on January 31, 2014, 07:46:25 PM
Resistance is futile !

This is me. I must transition fully to be happy. I know this now more than ever after a month on hrt. I won't rehash what I've said in other posts. But I'm one of the older girls too at 50 and I've just lived too long trying to pretend to be someone I'm not. I make a very poor male anyway. I couldn't look male if I tried even before hrt unless I wore shoulder pads to make my shoulders wider, and wore the baggyest clothes I can find. I'd have to wear a ski mask too cause my face would give me away as a girl every time, lol!

If I didn't have to explain it, pay for it, etc., and wake up tomorrow as the girl I know I am with all the right parts with no going back, would I do it? My answer is a very emphatic YES!