I had this dream last night that my mother accepted that I'm trans and allowed me to start hormone therapy. I woke up of course, and have been feeling depressed ever since.

So of course my depression was obvious. Normally I know how to mask it but I had to go with her to walmart to get my happy pills and a new inhaler for my asthma. She kept asking me what was wrong, why am I so down and out, etc. So I let her play the guessing game, and she wasn't getting anywhere. When she said, "I don't understand why you're so afraid to tell me" I said because last time she nearly kicked me out of the house. She knew right then.

So we talked a little about it. Of course she doesn't understand, and I don't expect her to right away... But it was progress in of itself. There was no screaming or yelling or GTFO! Which is the better than I feared part. I ended up telling her I was approved for transition and have a prescription for testosterone waiting to be filled and that it's something I really need. She won't let me while I'm living with her. That's the worse than I hoped part.

I don't know how to make her understand this is something I need and not just something I'm wanting. I mean ya I want it, but I need it more than I want it. If that makes sense. I tried explaining how it feels to be stuck in a body I don't feel is right for me, and she doesn't understand that either. I don't really blame her, sometimes I don't understand it either. I'm just wondering what I should try next... Short from dropping college and working full time to make ends meet and do my transition.

What would you guys suggest..?

This may sound drastic but this is what I did. Back in 2007 when I was on the verge of starting HRT, my mom kept insisting that I shouldn't do it and would come up with any excuse possible. They ranged from "Taking estrogen will increase your risk for cancer" to "You won't look or sound like a woman just because to take Estrogen" and everything in between.

I just put it to her straight up: "Look...I NEED to do this. If I don't start HRT I am going to end up dead within probably the next six months at the most. This NEEDS to happen because I've spent the last 25 years (at the time) letting this ruin my life. I need to be myself and taking hormones is going to be a part of that. What do you want: a dead pseudo "son" or a live daughter that you always had but you chose to ignore? If I don't start taking hormones this will be the only choice you have."

She had actually threatened to have me committed when I brought up suicide but I knew there was no way it would actually happen. But after a lot of bickering back and forth that lasted for weeks, she finally got it through her head that I needed to start HRT. Of course, this opened the door for her to argue that I should not take any extra steps (Buying women's clothes, starting electro, changing my name.) But each and every time, I was able to get through to her that, yes these steps need to be taken as well.

Now, things are in a much better place but it sure was a pain in the ass having to fight so damn much over every little step that was taken.

Quote from: Laura Squirrel on February 02, 2014, 01:35:38 PM
This may sound drastic but this is what I did. Back in 2007 when I was on the verge of starting HRT, my mom kept insisting that I shouldn't do it and would come up with any excuse possible. They ranged from "Taking estrogen will increase your risk for cancer" to "You won't look or sound like a woman just because to take Estrogen" and everything in between.

I just put it to her straight up: "Look...I NEED to do this. If I don't start HRT I am going to end up dead within probably the next six months at the most. This NEEDS to happen because I've spent the last 25 years (at the time) letting this ruin my life. I need to be myself and taking hormones is going to be a part of that. What do you want: a dead pseudo "son" or a live daughter that you always had but you chose to ignore? If I don't start taking hormones this will be the only choice you have."

She had actually threatened to have me committed when I brought up suicide but I knew there was no way it would actually happen. But after a lot of bickering back and forth that lasted for weeks, she finally got it through her head that I needed to start HRT. Of course, this opened the door for her to argue that I should not take any extra steps (Buying women's clothes, starting electro, changing my name.) But each and every time, I was able to get through to her that, yes these steps need to be taken as well.

Now, things are in a much better place but it sure was a pain in the ass having to fight so damn much over every little step that was taken.

I've actually thought of saying similar things because that's about where I'm at. I feel like I really am slowly dying inside. Like the depression has gotten so bad. Like I about committed myself last december.

I just wonder if I'll get that chance to fight and argue with her over it, or if she'll just straight up toss me out of the house. I mean I could stay in a hotel for a little bit but the money isn't going to last long in that situation.

Quote from: Jerred1985 on February 02, 2014, 01:41:32 PM
I've actually thought of saying similar things because that's about where I'm at. I feel like I really am slowly dying inside. Like the depression has gotten so bad. Like I about committed myself last december.

I just wonder if I'll get that chance to fight and argue with her over it, or if she'll just straight up toss me out of the house. I mean I could stay in a hotel for a little bit but the money isn't going to last long in that situation.

Well, I've been living on my own for quite some time, so I didn't need to worry about it. Actually, my plan was start about 8 years sooner once I moved out, but by that time I was deep into drugs and booze to run away from the GID so that made me waste a lot of time. That is my only real regret, not starting back then. I try not to think about that much these days, though. What's done is done.

Quote from: Laura Squirrel on February 02, 2014, 01:44:45 PM
Well, I've been living on my own for quite some time, so I didn't need to worry about it. Actually, my plan was start about 8 years sooner once I moved out, but by that time I was deep into drugs and booze to run away from the GID so that made me waste a lot of time. That is my only real regret, not starting back then. I try not to think about that much these days, though. What's done is done.

I'm a full time college student with no real transportation so finding a job that works around the bus schedule is hard and I don't really wish to drop out of school... but I guess if I had to.. Well I'd rather be alive and kicking than dead.

Is there a dorm room available on campus or friends you can stay with? How about finding someone to split rent on a small apartment until you graduate? Surely there is an option somewhere.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on February 02, 2014, 02:10:42 PM
Is there a dorm room available on campus or friends you can stay with? How about finding someone to split rent on a small apartment until you graduate? Surely there is an option somewhere.

I would quickly be glad to live in a dorm but they won't let me have my cats.. x.x; which is ->-bleeped-<-ty

Quote from: Jerred1985 on February 02, 2014, 02:14:28 PM
I would quickly be glad to live in a dorm but they won't let me have my cats.. x.x; which is ->-bleeped-<-ty

Is there anyone that could take care of the cats so you could move in to the dorm?

Quote from: Jerred1985 on February 02, 2014, 02:14:28 PM
I would quickly be glad to live in a dorm but they won't let me have my cats.. x.x; which is ->-bleeped-<-ty

Please don't take this wrong, OK? I love my cats as well, but cats or out on your own and transitioning? That is not showing a great deal of sense right now. I lost a 16 year marriage, two kids and quite a lot of other things to transition as my Dysphoria would not allow anything else. Can anyone watch the cats for you? I just think I would be happier finishing school which could make my career, be on my own and transition successfully. Not judging just looking at it with a fresh perspective. 

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on February 02, 2014, 02:24:32 PM
Please don't take this wrong, OK? I love my cats as well, but cats or out on your own and transitioning? That is not showing a great deal of sense right now. I lost a 16 year marriage, two kids and quite a lot of other things to transition as my Dysphoria would not allow anything else. Can anyone watch the cats for you? I just think I would be happier finishing school which could make my career, be on my own and transition successfully. Not judging just looking at it with a fresh perspective. 

Honestly, I thought the same thing. But, I thought that I would suggest an alternative first. If it were me, I would get rid of the cats but this is just how I would go about it.

Quote from: Jessica Merriman on February 02, 2014, 02:24:32 PM
Please don't take this wrong, OK? I love my cats as well, but cats or out on your own and transitioning? That is not showing a great deal of sense right now. I lost a 16 year marriage, two kids and quite a lot of other things to transition as my Dysphoria would not allow anything else. Can anyone watch the cats for you? I just think I would be happier finishing school which could make my career, be on my own and transition successfully. Not judging just looking at it with a fresh perspective. 

I know this is incredibly stubborn, and perhaps selfish and stupid... But I refuse to give up my cats. Hiroki is nearly 11 years old and is attached to my hip. He will not be able to adjust to a new home and would literally die of depression. I had to give him up for a few months once and he nearly starved himself to death. I cannot let him die that way, and I just won't put him down. My youngest, Xena, is 8 months and I took her in from a family friend so I'd feel awful for giving her up as well cause I promised her I'd take good care of Xena.

I know that's not the best of choices, but they're my cats and I'm responsible for them and I wouldn't just give them up. Not without a fight first.

Anyways I just signed up for public housing and I've decided I'm filling out my prescription anyways. I'll have a couple months at least to deal with ->-bleeped-<- as it happens and then... Well we'll see what happens. She won't notice for a little bit anyways.

Hugs Jerred.

You have made some really tough choices and I know things have been really difficult for you. You found a way to keep your pets who depend on you. You kept a promise to take care of a pet. You said you want to be yourself and you made a decision about HTR; you made plans to be on your own. Wow, you are a very strong and deliberate young man, congratulations!

Quote from: Cynthia Michelle on February 02, 2014, 04:08:02 PM
Hugs Jerred.

You have made some really tough choices and I know things have been really difficult for you. You found a way to keep your pets who depend on you. You kept a promise to take care of a pet. You said you want to be yourself and you made a decision about HTR; you made plans to be on your own. Wow, you are a very strong and deliberate young man, congratulations!

Thank you. Not sure about strong lol. Perhaps stupidly stubborn =P

But on a serious note my cats can't help what's happening around them and they shouldn't have to pay the price for it. I'm not giving them up, they don't deserve that. I'll do what I have to, but I'll do it with them.

Hi Jerred, there are some excellent articles to be found on the web meant for the loved ones of transgender people, including this one right here at Susan's.

An Open Letter to The Parents of Transsexual Children - https://www.susans.org/reference/gfam3.html

It's very difficult for those who don't suffer from gender dysphoria to appreciate what we are going through every day of our lives, but hopefully if you can get your mother to read this article she may have more of an understanding.

I wish you luck...

I remember reading that letter in the summer of 2006. It was a pretty emotional experience for me at the time.

Quote from: debpossible on February 02, 2014, 10:22:33 PM
Hi Jerred, there are some excellent articles to be found on the web meant for the loved ones of transgender people, including this one right here at Susan's.

An Open Letter to The Parents of Transsexual Children - https://www.susans.org/reference/gfam3.html

It's very difficult for those who don't suffer from gender dysphoria to appreciate what we are going through every day of our lives, but hopefully if you can get your mother to read this article she may have more of an understanding.

I wish you luck...

Thank you for linking me that letter. I will try to print it off and give it to my mother in the near future. Now that the door is open I hope she doesn't try to close it again. The fact that she actually spoke with me on decent terms (The lack of yelling, screaming and threats to kick me out), was a relief in of itself, despite she doesn't like the idea of me transitioning.

Maybe that letter will help, if she's willing to read and listen to its words.... Maybe it won't. I can only hope it does.