My husband is an non transitioned MTF.  Not on hormones but that may be our next step.  We have gone through many changes in the last few months with our personal lives .  When he (yes we are still using he or him) came to the conclusion that fighting who he really was was impossible (knowing that he wanted to be female) our lives changed irrevocably.  We are doing our best--we are seeing a counselor.  But here is my trouble.  When he is dressed up he is REALLY affectionate and touchy feely.  He just always wants to get into my personal space.  I have such a hard time with it because he really looks like a woman and I am so uncomfortable with it because I am not attracted to women.  The counselor says to close my eyes and feel that it is just my husband, not a girl, but I can't seem to do this.  I know I am probably offending some people here, but I am a really visual person.  I can't help seeing this girl, all made up and sitting next to me in a skirt and shaved legs, coming on to me (really heavy!!)  It is so so hard!!  I love my husband no matter what!  I do love to hang out and watch TV or shop or eat or talk about everything with him when he's dressed.  I just don't want to make out with him when he's dressed.   He is still moderately affectionate with me when he is in "man mode" but no where near as much when he is in "girl mode" (as he affectionately calls it).  I want to be ok with him no matter what mode.  I want to live in comfort in my home but right now I feel anxious no matter what.  Right now my SO is cranky and unhappy and I know it's because I'm not accepting the affection from him.  It's really snowy and cold here and we can't get outside.  I feel like our house is closing in on us!!  HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!

I think asking him/her to not bring up anything girl on girl as you put it when she is dress would be a start.

I can understand that you know you are a hetro female. I bet if you ask her she would say she is a lesbian.

She has no right to ask you to change your Sexual orientation as you can not do the same for her. You need to be honest with her and set your limits. Yes i am glad you are trying to work on keeping a marriage together.

Be honest where and how your love life will be acceptiable.

Wish you luck,
Hugs
Isabell

I agree 100%with mind is quiet now. What you described is pretty much how I'd feel is a guy came on to me. You can't help your sexual orientation. And eventually that is going to have to come up in discussion...some people can remain in a marriage even when their orientation says otherwise, and others can't.

My marriage of going on 20 years survived my transition.  It's not the norm, I'll admit, but the way my wife put it, she fell in love with a person, not a gender.

Your husband (wife) is obviously much happier as a person expressing herself en femme and likely feels oppressed in guy mode.  Let her explore.  I'm guessing that if/when she starts HRT, her sexual behavior will evolve.   Your spouse will also probably be much happier overall once she gets her hormones corrected.   I was depressed most of the time before HRT and damned near killed myself more than once.

My wife and I don't have intercourse anymore.  I have no desire to penetrate.  We have toys, I go down, it's all fine.  After I get SRS, I have no idea what she'll end up doing, but we'll cross that bridge when we get there. 

Like it or not, you've been in a same-sex relationship this whole time and she clearly loves you more than anything.

I appreciate all of the replies.  In response to Jill F, I do see what you say about HRT.  I know that will probably be the answer eventually but I would like to give you an insight into what  I am going through.  I really haven't felt like I've been living in a same sex relationship.  Up until 6 months ago I've had a beer drinking, duck hunting, mans man husband who loved to proposition me for sex at least once a day when I was making dinner.  He never missed the chance to comment on my figure or try to get my nightgown up at night to snuggle up against me.  Yes, he liked to cross dress but that was just about as far as it went.  Then, BOOM!  He wants to dress all of the time, he hates sex, he only pees sitting down, he finds every excuse he can to not take his son hunting, he shaves all of the hair on his body off, he wears all of my underware all of the time (even to his job).---so can you see where I am a little bit confused and frustrated??

Quote from: cecile1973 on February 07, 2014, 08:11:02 AM
I appreciate all of the replies.  In response to Jill F, I do see what you say about HRT.  I know that will probably be the answer eventually but I would like to give you an insight into what  I am going through.  I really haven't felt like I've been living in a same sex relationship.  Up until 6 months ago I've had a beer drinking, duck hunting, mans man husband who loved to proposition me for sex at least once a day when I was making dinner.  He never missed the chance to comment on my figure or try to get my nightgown up at night to snuggle up against me.  Yes, he liked to cross dress but that was just about as far as it went.  Then, BOOM!  He wants to dress all of the time, he hates sex, he only pees sitting down, he finds every excuse he can to not take his son hunting, he shaves all of the hair on his body off, he wears all of my underware all of the time (even to his job).---so can you see where I am a little bit confused and frustrated??

I get it completely.  You just had the rug pulled out from under you, just like my wife did.

If your spouse is anything like me, then he has been living a hellacious, tortured existence his entire life based on the false premise that he is male.  It's not his fault that he was born with what is essentially a woman's brain.   For a long time I thought I could put up the beer drinking, manly man front indefinitely and I could take my deepest, darkest secret to my grave with nobody being any the wiser.  When it all started to unravel in my early 40s, I had never once crossdressed, but the urge to do so began to consume every waking moment, then every sleeping moment as well.  I tried to overcompensate even more, sometimes hitting my wife up for sex more than once a day.  It turns out I really didn't want to have sex with her as much as I wanted to BE her.  One day I had to break down, admit it to her and let the chips fall where they may.  I told her that I had to start presenting myself as female before I went completely nuts.  I still wasn't ready to admit defeat, but the logical thing to do was hit the next release valve down.  After a few weeks, dressing still wasn't quite doing it for me, and I finally had to get therapy after I tried drinking myself to death a couple of times.  I was shocked when my therapist told me I'm actually transgender and needed hormones whether I transitioned or not.  Some people can live without transitioning fully, I could not in the end.  I tried everything I could to not have to go there, I fought it tooth and nail, kicking and screaming, but it was my only route to finally knowing what happy actually is.  Nobody wants to be trans- trust me on this one.  I didn't choose to transition as much as transitioning chose me.   And it's the best thing I ever did for my own sanity.

Please buy your spouse some clothes, find a good therapist for both of you and give her space to explore.  I know it's not what you signed up for, but you may end up liking the new, improved version better.   My wife and I are closer than ever now, and it turns out we have the same shoe size!

I think Mind is Quiet really said it best. You are a heterosexual woman, your SO is a lesbian (and a lipstick one at that). He wants everything his way and IMHO what your counsellor is asking you to do is only an interim suggestion to explore whether you are comfortable trying a bisexual relationship or just fantasizing about men while making love with a woman. I hope you can find what you need in a sexual relationship. Everyone needs that.

I just want you to know that we are all very sympathetic to both of you, but especially to you, because you are confused and frustrated by this, and honestly, who wouldn't be!

Your SO sounds like they are in the middle of a redefining stage. This is very hard on spouses, because, yes, it seems like the world is being turned on its head, and like the person you knew and loved has been replaced by a space alien. From what I gather, some people get through this stage quickly, and for others it takes longer. Anything with male or masculine underpinnings probably seems terrible to your SO, but maybe not entirely because they always secretly hated them. I have practiced very masculine sports both pre and during transition, but there are women I practice with who are both feminine and very VERY good at them. I needed to seperate in my mind the masculine side of this, which I felt was oppressive and caused me depression, from the essence of the thing. Doing that helped me realize that most things in life may have a gender leaning to them, but that is only a small aspect of the whole. SO may benifit from doing that kind of analysis with regards to beer, hunting, and ESPECIALLY interacting with your son.

I don't know about sex and intimacy, though, since those are issues I am trying to work out myself. It will probably be a roller coaster ride. Please do voice your needs, though. Although your SO is going to be demanding on you so far as evolving needs go, please don't forget about you. You are every bit as important as anyone else!

Sorry this is so long. I just saw a bunch of common threads in your posts, and felt I might be able to at least offer a little moral support.

I did not know and did not care so much about the feeling of wife about my crossdressing. She has always been supportive, but later she said it was embarrassing and difficult to accept, at least initially. IMHO, transgendered people are basically ego-centric, as the society does not accept them well and they, including me, think they are a kind of victim. I think that is why I cared less about the feeling of my wife. My wife especially disliked my wearing tub tops. She also did not like my long hair, but accepted it anyway later.

Fortunately, we have 3 lovely kids, and I become very masculine when educating them. My wife think I play a role as dad very well.

Sex is not an important issue, as we are aged, and my crossdressing did not affect it. Most part of my body anyway look feminine whether I wear something or not. Even when naked, usually I need to wear high heels to be turned on, and my wife does not care about it. Initially, she purchased heels for me.

Frankly speaking, I became disliking penetration. Sometimes fancy about being penetrated. If your spouse is less interested in penetration, you may find an alternative way of sex, which can satisfy both of you.

barbie~~

And, I already gave up HRT because of my wife and kids, although I got the approval letter.

barbie~~

Quote from: Jill F on February 06, 2014, 01:44:00 PMLike it or not, you've been in a same-sex relationship this whole time and she clearly loves you more than anything.

I think this is important - she's been this person the whole time, just not letting her out before.  You did fall in love with her, and you've probably been making out with her too.

So...you may want to ask yourself whether you love the person on the inside or the person on the outside.  No right or wrong answers - it's okay if you're uncomfortable having that kind of attention from another girl, although it does seem like a rather small hurdle to overcome though, seeing as you've accepted pretty much everything else.

I have to say I don't think it's as simple as loving the person on the inside instead of the person on the outside. If it were, I don't believe sexual orientations would exist. Even if it were really that simple, it sounds like her partner's entire personality is drastically different, which goes way beyond appearance. That's a lot to deal with.

Quote from: me on February 09, 2014, 08:00:04 PM
I think this is important - she's been this person the whole time, just not letting her out before.  You did fall in love with her, and you've probably been making out with her too.

So...you may want to ask yourself whether you love the person on the inside or the person on the outside.  No right or wrong answers - it's okay if you're uncomfortable having that kind of attention from another girl, although it does seem like a rather small hurdle to overcome though, seeing as you've accepted pretty much everything else.

I see this in many posts when it come to the girl has always been there.

Yes in a way she has always been there, but she never left out all the feeling and emotions so who someone falls in love with is only the person they got to know on a emotional level. That is the true person who they know inside.

I felt the same way but now i see we can not make someone love the girl because she was always there. She was and has been only there for us and no one else.

I have always said no one has the right to make someone accept them as we do not have the right to make someone accept us. Everyone has and holds that right. We are humans with emotions not some pre programed robot.

Isabell

=/ it sounds like you are going through something really difficult.

I think the bottom line is that consent is consent and you don't have to offer yours. If your SO is making you uncomfortable, it's your right to say no to his advances. It's not fair that he hid this all from you to begin with, you know?

So sorry you had this happen to you. I can only imagine how frustrating and hurtful this could be. Hugs to you and hope you are well.

Hi,

I'm Jen and a MTF who has been in transition for almost two years.  I am still married and it looks like I will stay married.  The road was not and is not easy, being hard both on my wife and myself.  Part of our success thus far has been both of us putting the others needs ahead of our own and at times, waiting for the other to catch up.  The other part has been communication.  Yea, it starts, it stops, sometimes great, sometimes hard but we will both stop whatever we are doing to talk.

When I decided to start dressing, I took it slow and I did not push her into acceptance.  After a while, she was ready and I was still uncomfortable getting dressed in front of her.  I decided that we needed to do things together that are independent of our sex: we shop together, we eat together, we play together, we were friends and we became even closer.   

Sex?  I was ready, she was not.  I have never pushed her.  It really started with my giving her messages so she became used too and enjoyed touching.  Then, it was hugging and cuddling.  From there, kisses, cuddles and being playful.  We kept the light off so she didn't have to look at my rapidly changing body.   Then, we made love, for the first time in over a year.  She had a hard time dealing with that for a while, she had to sort out her feelings.  I was there and didn't push it.  We kept going, one step forward, two steps back, wait, two steps forward etc.  Now, we play in the dark and with lights on.  She is mostly comfortable with everything but a little unsure about my breasts (I'm a 38DD).  I can understand that.  She has said that I am better in the bedroom now than I was before.  I do like that.

I have delayed going full time and have delayed SRS for her.   Last week, my totally into men heterosexual wife told me to go for both.  That was unexpected and very nice.

Your SO needs to think of herself but she needs to think of you more.  This really can be positive for you both.

Hugs,

Jen

My wife and I have been together one way or another for over 30 years. She knew about my gender issues from day one. About 20 years ago was when she first started staying home those days I needed my escapes from maleness. She sure wasn't interested in romance at all with a woman. In fact, for days afterwards she wasn't. It took days for her not to see me as a woman.

Not a lot has changed beyond her not seeing me staying as a guy. Post HRT is even more difficult as the hormones do their work. It is still "weird" for her when we spoon and she gets a handfull of boobie in a nightie.