I know stuff like this is probably a daily occurrence but I could use some help. I don't know how many people here use ->-bleeped-<- but I posted on there a couple weeks back(for reference if any one cares,
http://redd.it/1uv34g &
http://redd.it/1v9fg7). But I thought I would post here this time because talking to new and different people on something you're unsure about is helpful. I really don't know how to type this out so if I start to ramble at any point I'm sorry. Also sorry if I kinda go on at some points, I feel like I need to vent a little too.
I'm a 19 soon to be 20 yr old male. The problem is I've been having these doubts for a couple weeks now. Yes I know a couple weeks is nothing but those doubts are there and in my opinion somewhat strong. I know I said a couple weeks but the weird thing they other day is I remembered a dream I had when I was 6-7 yrs old. The dream had always struck me as odd and stayed with me for years until I was about 10-11 and seemingly forgot it. The dream was pretty much a gender flip, all the boys were going in the girls bathrooms and all the girls were going into the guys bathrooms. Is that normal for a 6 yr to dream about? I can also remember being a kid and when walking always feel like I was walking odd. Like how a girl should walk with hips moving more than they should for a guy. It just came more natural to me. I've since "corrected" it to walk more like a guy. Also when I was a kid when I'd go to any clothing store I always glanced at the woman's clothing. I would look at it more intently then the clothes I was there to buy for myself. I know these may seem like isolated incidents but I really don't know. I mean growing up I was always in a depression and I would put a fog over most of my childhood. My problem is that I think more things might become more apparent because it feels like some of the fog is going away since questioning myself. I mean I'm now able to remember a dream I had when I was 6, lol.
I may get a little TMI here and I'm sorry for it. But when I was about 13 I found trans porn. For some odd reason it stuck with me. Like I felt like I should go watch "normal" porn. I mean anytime I would masturbate it would be to trans porn since I was about 13. I have no idea why. Was it because I was identifying with them in some way? Also weird thing that has happened to me is since questioning myself is I kinda lost sex drive. More TMI sorry. But since I was about 13 I would masturbate everyday. I have no idea why, but I did, pretty much up until I started question myself. Personally I think it may have to do with living vicariously through them without even realizing it. Would something like that be out of the question?
No more stuff like that I swear. Another problem I've had forever is not liking my body. Like I've never liked what was staring me back in the mirror. I have no idea if it's because I'm overweight/low confidence or whatever but I don't think it's normal for someone to hate the body they have. It's gotten really bad. I can always remember being so rude to people in school who were just trying to be nice. I would always question what they could like in me, when I hated myself. Is it normal for a person to go through something like that? I mean personally I'd like to believe I'm a sweetheart but something like that says otherwise. Also since questioning myself, I've been hating my body even more than normal. Like one day I saw a simple picture of a girl, it was for some photo editing software. But just seeing the girl set something off in me, it was just this really bad overwhelming sensation. Another things that's been getting to me is how appealing woman's clothes look to me now. I mean I can go to any website that sells both woman's and men's clothing but nothing out of the men's section catches my eye or make me feel like I need to own it. But on the flip side just the other day I browsed the woman's section and found myself loving a teal dress, shoes, panties, shirts, pretty much everything was making my eyes light up. But after looking at that and feeling a somewhat happiness which is really rare for me dies instantly once I realize I'm not a girl and I'm not supposed to want those cloths. Then I get really hard on myself for being fat, hairy, having broad shoulders, pretty much anything that makes someone a guy sans genitalia and it just kinda eats at me. I mean since questioning myself when I close my eyes and picture how I'd like to look I picture a thin/average size long blonde haired woman and again I get this overwhelming sensation of I'll never look like this and I'll never be happy.
I'm really sorry for making this so long. But I really needed to vent and need help. I just have no idea what to do and I don't even have friends in real life to turn to for it. The only real people I could turn to are two girls I know on Twitter and I don't want to weird them out because they're really the only 2 people on there I care about. Again thank you for reading the ramblings of a person in distress.
