Hello ,

I have a question for MTF girls who are not full time yet : How do you manage to go out in 'boy mode' and still continue transition ?
I am also not full time , but because of my job I am practically isolated , I only meet a few people a year , and when I meet some it drives me crazy , acting like a boy and being treated like one .
It is true that I acted more or less like a boy for many years before , but now I have this uncontrollable desire to act how I feel , to be cute sometimes , silly other times , to not restrain myself , to talk like a girl ,........ ,to become a girl .
I feel all the trauma inside me from all those years when I inhibited myself just to fit the social standards  , and I am scared that behaving and presenting myself as a boy would 'confuse' my brain . Many of the things , live voice and walking , posture ... , have to be trained and repeated in order to become better and naturally looking/occurring , and if I mix the boy - girl styles , I am worried that the result would be less of a girl in the matter of style than I expect .

I am specifically asking this now , because in about one week and a half I should be 'home ' , living between people and interacting with more of them , and I am so stressed up , I don't know if to go out as a girl , which is a little early as I don't really pass , or as a boy which I hate and it makes me worried .

How do I? I just perpetuate the old act. It's like playing chess sometimes and thinking moves ahead.

As to the emotional factor, I just consider the clothes to be the costume for a role. The uniform at work is not who I am, just my costume for my part. When people treat me like a man, I consider it praise for my portrayal of the part.

And for what it is worth, it is stressful... I loathe doing it, and look forward to never having to do it anymore. But everything takes time. And yes, I have bled through into the role I'm playing (I've had to really pay close attention to my walk and word choice). I just shrug it off and keep going.

For what it's worth, no one knows what nailpolish I have on your toes in my oxfords.  I look for little ways to stay connected to myself as I step back into the role. No one can see my transgender pride pendant under my dress shirt. I know who I am, no matter what I'm wearing. Eventually my body will conform to my mind and everyday it changes just a little bit more.

Good luck Claudia. I know every situation is different, and I hope yours gets better. I don't know what "home" means for you and if it means trying to fit yourself neatly back in the closet for a brief duration or if it's a matter of knowing when it's safe to let your family know. I just hope whatever it means, it goes as well as it can for you.

I really don't have much of a boy mode left hahaha.
I circumvented a lot of issues by coming out to everyone I knew as gay a couple years ago. Its amazing what you can get away with when people  think that you're just a stereotypical feminine gay man. I wouldn't recommend this method as the right one for everyone. I'm lucky enough to live in an area where things are pretty good for gay people so I haven't had many issues. I will say though that it has made relearning mannerisms pretty easy since I don't have to try to be masculine ever.
You could always try a more androgynous style of presentation. Wear some women's jeans, socks, and underwear. People won't notice that the jeans aren't men's; especially if you get boot cut ones. You can also try wearing a unisex top like a turtleneck. You can even wear a women's one with a men's shirt over it and people won't notice that it is hugging you body more. Depending on style, you can get a way with certain women's shoes and jackets as well.
If this is really different than your current style, than you might get some questions. But you can always play it off like your trying out something new. If your careful there is a lot of women's clothing you can get away with in everyday life without people questioning it.

That's true Alexis, but at that point can it be called "boy mode"?

I did the same thing for "boy mode" and all I came off was as a butch lesbian. I almost call it "girl-light" instead of boy mode. To make it boy mode I had to switch back to my teaching voice. When I did that, I think I just made people worried.

Quote from: Yukari-sensei on February 08, 2014, 02:16:53 AM


Good luck Claudia. I know every situation is different, and I hope yours gets better. I don't know what "home" means for you and if it means trying to fit yourself neatly back in the closet for a brief duration or if it's a matter of knowing when it's safe to let your family know. I just hope whatever it means, it goes as well as it can for you.

Thanks,

'Home' means , that I will settle somewhere , I will have a home , also that I will go temporarily back in Romania , where I was born .
For the moment I work in France , but I don't have a house ,a place to return in the evening ,  I just live in the truck cab for months  .
So it is like I am a savage , going to live in a city for the first time 

I am worried , as , although I hate this job and it was a bad choice , for me , considering that I am over sensitive and easy to get embarrass , it was a step forward in my transition . Here I could let my hair grow , also I could behave a little more freely than in a regular city job , with people I know around . Not knowing the people around me gave me some courage , to start emerging as a girl .
But now it is long overdue to leave this job , and go trying  to have  a life , make some real world friends .
That makes me very excited but very very scared too , I don't know how it will go , finding a regular job and coming out as a girl in front of them . When I think at that I get so nervous and scared , so I try avoiding those thoughts and just take my life step by step as it comes . Sometimes surprise events happen , so it is possible that I could be happy .

About my family , I don't plan to let them know , at least not actively , it doesn't make any sense as I know their position against LGBTQ of any type .I plan to  go and take all my stuff left , and then go get a place just for me , I guess I won't give them any reason . Even know I didn't talk to my parents in a long time , and that is great for me , as when I talk with them I feel their psychological abuse on me
It is time for me to live my real life , leaving the past behind

Quote from: Alexis Paige on February 08, 2014, 02:19:37 AM
I really don't have much of a boy mode left hahaha.
I circumvented a lot of issues by coming out to everyone I knew as gay a couple years ago. Its amazing what you can get away with when people  think that you're just a stereotypical feminine gay man. I wouldn't recommend this method as the right one for everyone. I'm lucky enough to live in an area where things are pretty good for gay people so I haven't had many issues. I will say though that it has made relearning mannerisms pretty easy since I don't have to try to be masculine ever.
You could always try a more androgynous style of presentation. Wear some women's jeans, socks, and underwear. People won't notice that the jeans aren't men's; especially if you get boot cut ones. You can also try wearing a unisex top like a turtleneck. You can even wear a women's one with a men's shirt over it and people won't notice that it is hugging you body more. Depending on style, you can get a way with certain women's shoes and jackets as well.
If this is really different than your current style, than you might get some questions. But you can always play it off like your trying out something new. If your careful there is a lot of women's clothing you can get away with in everyday life without people questioning it.

Hi , thanks for you reply

Personally , I really don't want to come out as anything relating to ' boy '  , it is what I feel , It hurts me inside beside making me worry as I say about getting myself confused .
I am planning / hoping that i could have some basic ffs procedures done , so i will appear more feminine , and then try mingle in a regular girl job , most probably in the western Europe or in another continent , as in Romania , beside commonly unemployment  and bad payment , people won't ever let you feel 'normal' if you are trans .
The problem is that , i will have to go in Romania , to finish the things i have there , to take my stuff from my parents house , to make some new documents , also i was planning having some therapy and maybe even some classes in photography or something , in order to get some new job . But that implies i will have to stay for months ,and paying rent and taxes will lower my budget for ffs . So the problem seems that can't be solved so easy or soon . Maybe i will win the lottery though 

I had the same questions a few years ago when I was starting hrt... I honestly can't do boy mode anymore. For me its just soul crushing. And on top of that, don't think I could even if I tried. Since about 4 months ago even when I would go out in male clothes people still saw me as a woman . As soon as the male failing started, it was the moment boy mode ended for good. But before that I dressed in an androgynous style. It was the only way for me to feel comfortable out in public when I had started hrt.

I guess one of the problems is that  have an idea , in fact it is more a mental image of an androgynous boy , and it is about a young boy , shorter than 5'8" lets say  , with slim feminine body and small narrow frame . Me , I am like 5'11" . not that young anymore (almost 25) and with thick bones , and my mental image about me is even worse , it gets me crazy : when I don't see in mirror , I have this image of a bulky boy , that I hate .
When I am alone and I am looking in the mirror , I get so happy , as I  seem to look  beautiful . But when I am on the street , with cis girls around , I feel so bad , as I clearly see that I am nowhere near the passing  .
I don't know how others really see me , but I am clearly aware that my full-thick-big-meaty face is holding me back from passing . That is why I really need FFS , meantime I guess I will stay indoors most of the time . I am hoping that I will go to some LGBT  clubs I found , and get a feel on how do I mingle , what people think , ... . Maybe I will get some confidence or maybe I will loose it all .

At work I dress androgynous, I don't have to wear a uniform or anything. My iPhone has a Hello Kitty case, and keep my hair long, and down, and some people are a bit confused as to what gender I am. I guess I just don't mind their confusion all that much, because I can't quite figure out how to transition in such a way where people will identify me as one gender most of the time, and still eventually get to my goal of 100% female presentation.

I drive a truck too, but where I work I stay in a 600 miles zone, and I move bacon and ham produced by one company. This means I know the security guards, office people, and other drivers at every place I go. I am only home on the weekends, but it isn't really possible for me to avoid socializing with other people at work, so I do what I do without offering any sort of explanation.

When other coworkers press me on why my phone is so cute, or why I have pro-LGBT stickers on my Toyota Prius, I just say "I do what I want". This probably doesn't make me a bunch of friends at work, but it generally lets people who have a problem with the LGBT community to back off. It does however endear me to the few other people there in the LGBT spectrum. Also, I find when I am confident and do my job, it is rarely an issue how I appear or what I like, despite the fact that my company is totally legally allowed to fire anyone for being homosexual, or representing a gender identity or expression that isn't in line with their "family values". Truth is, even in a company ran by conservative Mormons they value productive employees, and I find that offers me a deal of protection.

Quote from: Hikari on February 08, 2014, 09:12:08 AM
. Also, I find when I am confident and do my job, it is rarely an issue how I appear or what I like, despite the fact that my company is totally legally allowed to fire anyone for being homosexual, or representing a gender identity or expression that isn't in line with their "family values". Truth is, even in a company ran by conservative Mormons they value productive employees, and I find that offers me a deal of protection.

I once worked as a driver at  a company , and basically we worked 3 months in the cab then we were allowed 2 weeks at home . And when I left , my hair was growing , but it was still in 'boy' area , but when I came back after almost 4 months , it was considerably bigger . And they said to me to cut it or they would fire me . So I quitted 

Anyway  , I was productive , but that is because I am responsible and also I don't like when people show that they were disappointed . But I definitely don't like this job , or any other manly jobs , so by 18 of February I should be permanently out of this . I think I will throw my driving license , so many bad memories and a constant reminder of a wasted youth , a wasted life .

I am not out yet at work (hopefully that will happen sometime around July) and I don't want anyone at work to be any the wiser before then so I go to work in guy mode. They don't see my painted toenails or my boobs hiding under my loose shirts. My face has changed a lot and if anyone was paying any attention they would begin to figure it out; i don't discount the fact that some may already be on to whats happening with me but no one has said anything about it so far.

The harder part for me is remembering which role I am in. I have to remember to go into the men's room and not the lady's room, and I have to remember to use my guy voice. When I get up from somewhere I find myself looking for my purse, and sometimes I panic for a minute thinking that I forgot to put on makeup that day. I also have to watch the girly mannerisms and remember to talk about guy stuff (cars, football, etc) and not girl stuff - complementing women in the office on how they are dressed and accessorized is a big no no in guy mode. Every once in a while I'll slip up but so far no one has noticed.

Like someone else said - it is playing a role. I've played it for so long now i'm pretty sure that I can keep it going for these last few months.

Quote from: Claudia_FF on February 08, 2014, 09:25:00 AM
I once worked as a driver at  a company , and basically we worked 3 months in the cab then we were allowed 2 weeks at home . And when I left , my hair was growing , but it was still in 'boy' area , but when I came back after almost 4 months , it was considerably bigger . And they said to me to cut it or they would fire me . So I quitted 

Anyway  , I was productive , but that is because I am responsible and also I don't like when people show that they were disappointed . But I definitely don't like this job , or any other manly jobs , so by 18 of February I should be permanently out of this . I think I will throw my driving license , so many bad memories and a constant reminder of a wasted youth , a wasted life .

I am sorry to hear though, it might have something to do with culture though, in most of the United States, it really seems money is more important than anything else, and while that isn't a good thing it can be used to your advantage sometimes. Of course, I am actually trying to get into the IT field, I don't want to drive a truck either, I want to be home everyday so that I can be with my friends and maybe even find someone to date. A nice office environment sounds really good to me.

As I said , I am alone for most of the time , I mean I talk in 3 months less than 1 person in a normal day . So at the moment , I basically have my regular voice , I tried to enhance it but is sounded a little weird , I think I will check with a voice therapist  first .My mannerism is also boy-ish , I didn't worked much on it . But that is the problem , after I started understanding me more , and took the decision to transition to full time , I  am really worried that it will be a major step back , psychological , to start my new life acting like a boy .
I feel these urges to behave in a childish-girly way sometime , and I don't want  to inhibit them anymore because that is how I  had to grow , as a macho boy .I somehow let myself loose a few days ago , behaving how I felt inside , and it made me so happy . But other days the inhibitions come back , and I feel embarrass to behave and speak the way I want .
Now I don't have social interaction , but when I will start getting some , I really don't want to start it still as a boy .

I think HRT will help loosen you up. It sounds odd but as the months pass by you may find yourself naturally becoming more comfortable and confident with yourself that you find yourself dropping the act. Issue i have now is not to flirt with some of my male colleagues... lol. So hard.

The idea of boy mode while transitioning may not be the best idea... It's the incongruent nature between your general physical appearance and dress which will get unwanted attention. Matching them is hard, but you'll get the least attention that way. Of course places like school or work may limit what you can wear, but there are always little things you can do.

Imagine the attention in boy mode once your boobs are noticeable! But soften to an andro appearance... You know.

I guess this comes down to some simple advice. Dress appropriately for where you are in transition and for your body.

I've been wearing girls clothes pretty much all of the time. If I can't do my make up and wear my wig for whatever reason I just go in clothes that don't look overly feminine.

@Yukari: It's true, I can't really call that boy mode hahaha . I consider myself to only have two modes. One is my true female self, and the other is an androgynous mode. Its actually when I'm androgynous that I get the most trouble from people.

@Claudia: I can see why you wouldn't want to come out as anything "boy". It would just be another lie about your true identity to have to be undone. I'm really grateful that my method worked for me, but it is definitely not one that would work for anyone.
When I went home before my dad died, I would go home in a true boy mode. It was always very stressful. I ended up taking daily walks. It gave me a couple hours a day to just be myself.
I wish you the best of luck on your journey and I hope that you are able to get the ffs procedures that you feel you need. I was 24 when I started planning my transition, and its taken me almost two years to get to the point of starting hrt soon. You can never tell when the universe is just going to make everything possible.

I've been having the same issue!  Recently I just said screw it.  Without restraint I just found the things that I like to wear regardless of how it would look to other people.  I ended up wearing a zelda t-shirt, fairly tight jeans, my hair down, eyeliner, a scarf i knitted, a black hoodie, and these cool angel wing earrings.  Confidence is sooooo important with this kind of thing.  People look at me weird sometimes and I have little kids stop in front of me and stair and the sort of feminine sort of masculine person in front of them.  Today, I walked into a restaurant to grab some plastic forks and the ENTIRE RESTAURANT look right at me with the weirdest expression.  It was bizarre.... I simply smiled at them and kept going. 

I had to balance the attention I get while androgynous with my need to express my femininity while still not passing.  Heck, I may never pass!  I really don't know.  Still, I have to in some way express what is inside.  This way is not for everyone and sometimes I wish I just waited until I was more passable until I started this trend but it is so liberating to express myself that for me it is worth it.

I'm early in my transition just like you so I hope my story helps....

Quote from: Just Lara on February 09, 2014, 04:11:51 AM
I've been having the same issue!  Recently I just said screw it.  Without restraint I just found the things that I like to wear regardless of how it would look to other people.  I ended up wearing a zelda t-shirt, fairly tight jeans, my hair down, eyeliner, a scarf i knitted, a black hoodie, and these cool angel wing earrings.  Confidence is sooooo important with this kind of thing.  People look at me weird sometimes and I have little kids stop in front of me and stair and the sort of feminine sort of masculine person in front of them.  Today, I walked into a restaurant to grab some plastic forks and the ENTIRE RESTAURANT look right at me with the weirdest expression.  It was bizarre.... I simply smiled at them and kept going. 

I had to balance the attention I get while androgynous with my need to express my femininity while still not passing.  Heck, I may never pass!  I really don't know.  Still, I have to in some way express what is inside.  This way is not for everyone and sometimes I wish I just waited until I was more passable until I started this trend but it is so liberating to express myself that for me it is worth it.

I'm early in my transition just like you so I hope my story helps....

Maybe they were all thinking.... "those forks are... for paying customers only!! How dare she come in here and grab one! Look she is even smiling, she mocks us i say!"
Ok i joke , I get that all the time, i tell people how strange it was with a whole bunch of people staring at me at some place etc, and without fail most people would say, 'really? i can't think why they would stare, maybe they were looking at something else?'... right... lol

QuoteI guess this comes down to some simple advice. Dress appropriately for where you are in transition and for your body.

This is sound logic, realistic advice. Sadly most health professionals and transition pathways think the exact opposite, and expect you to wear a dress and makeup when your at your height of masculinity. Personally myself, I'm beginning to think that they're all just taking the p*ss out of us, really.

QuoteAs to the emotional factor, I just consider the clothes to be the costume for a role. The uniform at work is not who I am, just my costume for my part. When people treat me like a man, I consider it praise for my portrayal of the part.

That's an excellent mantra. As is;

QuoteI almost call it "girl-light" instead of boy mode.

That's brilliant! And sounds like a whole ad-campaign could be made out of that slogan