I should start off with my situation first so the rest will make sense.  I am doing my transition on a very slow pace.  As far as my work is concerned I cannot present female so I spend most of my time in male mode.  When I am away from work I present female as much as I can but I am not out to most of my friends, my family, or anyone that knows me professionally.  I'm not totally sure if I will ever go full time but if I do it will have to be at least 6 years from now.

My wife has known I'm trans for awhile.  In the past I would say that she was tolerant of it but I would not have used the word supportive.  However, for the past few months things have been different.  We've gone shopping (for women's clothes), she went to a transgender support meeting with me, she even said that she likes my personality better since I have been on hormones.  It's really been great. 

So she asks me if I had told this one friend of mine and I said NO ARE YOU KIDDING?  I said no one knows but you and a couple of other trusted friends.  Then she said that she told a few people.  WHAT?  She fricking outed me!  As she was telling me who she told I started to feel a little relief.  It was her friends. And they don't know any of my friends or family.  So even  if they blab who cares.  She need to talk to someone about it sometimes.  I get it.  I was relieved until she said she told her sister.  AHHHHH. Her sister?  Her sister is going to tell her boyfriend for sure and whether or not it spreads around her whole family...well god only knows.  She may say nothing to anyone for all I know.  All I know is I was pissed.  She feels I should tell everyone.  She said no one she has told has any issue with it at all.  And if someone does have a problem with it too bad for them.  I kinda know she's right but still it's not her place to do it. 

Anyway, once it has been said it can't be unsaid so I guess I'm OK with it.  Maybe she is right and I should just get it over with and tell everyone and let chips fall where they may. 

I am encouraged by your wife's acceptance. Please give her a big hug and kiss from the community here. She deserves it. Give yourself a lot of credit as well for being patient and developing your relationship. When seeing the glass half full, her outing you may show how comfortable she is with you and your relationship. Maybe it is time for you to manage the information versus having people hearing about it second hand?

For me, I want to be out because it would be a big burden lifted from my shoulders, but my wife is not ready yet. That day is coming soon I think.

Julia

QuoteWhen seeing the glass half full, her outing you may show how comfortable she is with you and your relationship. Maybe it is time for you to manage the information versus having people hearing about it second hand?

I didn't think she was comfortable with it, at least not at first, but I was wrong.  She seems totally comfortable with it maybe even more than I am.  Lately she seems to be encouraging me to be free...be myself.

Of course, I know you're right I do need to manage the information as you put it. 

From experience, once a few people know then very quickly a lot of people know. And that experience is from years before social media let alone the internet!

Stochastic raises a point of resonance, that of having the burden lifted. I remember the sensation of being able to breathe again after I told my wife, of course it was not exactly a smoothe ride, but, it was better on the other side of that revelation. If you feel comfortable telling people, you should start letting it out. I envy the freedom this will ultimately bring you. My only concern here is that in your opening paragraph, you said that you can't present as female at work. Why not?

I've been in the same situation, though to a lesser extent. My wife told a coworker when we had an understanding that we would discuss it before telling people. I was very hurt and felt quite betrayed. I couldn't even recall meeting this coworker and didn't know whether it would start spreading like wildfire before I was ready. I understand your feelings and totally sympathize. It should be something you discuss first before telling people.

On the other hand I sympathize with the need for a partner to have people to talk to about what they are going through. It doesn't sound like it was done maliciously (it wasn't with my wife either), but just talk to her and say you weren't quite ready and that you'd like to discuss it before telling people.

At a certain point I told her she could tell people freely, and that was when I felt more comfortable in my appearance and was ready to tell the rest of the world.

I think it is a good thing.  Once most people know, you don't need to hide it anymore so you can just be yourself.  It is also a help in that it gives them more time to adjust.

I believe that once you're out, the ball is in the other person's court as to whether or not they accept you. I've came out to many people in my place of worship and was accepted with open arms.

Hi Julie! If you are on Hormones I don't think the "girls" would have let you stay in the closet for 6 years anyway!*giggle* This could be one of those mixed blessing kind of things. Bad that it did not wait for you, but now you can relax and enjoy it. Maybe this was your wife's way of saying "get on with it" or something also. I hope it works out well for you. Full Time is simply amazing!

Julie, I only wish my wife was so accepting. However, being outed is not comforting. Perhaps a coming out plan is in order at this time. What would you gain if you came out? How would your work handle the news?

Julie, my questions and concerns are this. why do you say you can't be yourself at work? Why do you say you can't be yourself full time 100% for at least 6 years from now? And finally, I have to agree that it probably is time you came out to your friends and family providing you don't need to depend on anyone and can fend for yourself. I came out and now everyone has been told that's currently in my life, I'm very lucky none have dropped their relationship with me and while "some" are having a denial and tough time of it, they're still here for me and such. It has had its ups and downs of course but, I can now be myself even at work and it's awesome. The stress, tension and relief I have now is so much better than what I was having to deal with and go through with before. I've still got a long road ahead of me but I hope my story helps encourage you to come out sooner than later.

QuoteMy only concern here is that in your opening paragraph, you said that you can't present as female at work. Why not?

QuoteJulie, my questions and concerns are this. why do you say you can't be yourself at work?

I own my business.  Which you would think is a good thing.  I'm the boss and I can do what ever I want, right?...but it's not that simple.  I'm in a male dominated field for starters.  Some of my work comes from repeat business but mostly I need to convince each new client to hire me.  I have no proof but I believe the majority of people would still hire me if I were to present as female.  I'm very good at what I do and have a great reputation. However, there would be some people that would not hire me. Let's face it there is still discrimination and there are not laws protecting me from someone doesn't wish to do business with me.  My other worry is that I get all of my business comes from referrals.  I feel some of my clients may not have a problem with me as Julie but might be reluctant to refer me to their friends. Now there is always the possibility it would create some new opportunities for me. At this point I can't take the risk that I will lose too much business.  As we all know it's expensive being transgender.

QuoteIf you are on Hormones I don't think the "girls" would have let you stay in the closet for 6 years anyway!

The "girls" have already arrived!  I don't think I'll get much bigger.  I'm and A cup so they are not noticeable in the winter when I am wearing bulky clothes unless I'm wearing a bra.  It's a little more of a problem in the summer when I am wearing just a tee-shirt.  And it's not so much the size of my boobs but the nipples are always poking out.  I'm sure some people notice but so what?  If you noticed a male that had bigger than usual breasts would you say anything to him?

I think people see what they expect to see and don't really notice the details most of the time.  There are a lot of other clues that one can observe.  I have both my ears pierced and wear ear rings.  I'm getting laser on my face and when I'm done with that I'm going to get electrolysis to get rid of the white hairs.  I shave my arms and legs.  It really shouldn't be that hard to put it all together.   

I think you have a great wife! Her support and encouragement to come out is a great "problem" to have. Way better than having someone who is ashamed you and wants to hide you. So count your blessings

It certainly is understandable that you want to protect your business. Now that the genie is out of the bottle, maybe is it is still possible to keep your work life separate from family/friends that know. Here's hoping that someday you will be in a place financially to continue your business under your preferred terms.

Quote from: JulieC. on February 22, 2014, 09:34:36 AM
I own my business.  Which you would think is a good thing.  I'm the boss and I can do what ever I want, right?...but it's not that simple.  I'm in a male dominated field for starters.  Some of my work comes from repeat business but mostly I need to convince each new client to hire me.  I have no proof but I believe the majority of people would still hire me if I were to present as female.  I'm very good at what I do and have a great reputation. However, there would be some people that would not hire me. Let's face it there is still discrimination and there are not laws protecting me from someone doesn't wish to do business with me.  My other worry is that I get all of my business comes from referrals.  I feel some of my clients may not have a problem with me as Julie but might be reluctant to refer me to their friends. Now there is always the possibility it would create some new opportunities for me. At this point I can't take the risk that I will lose too much business.  As we all know it's expensive being transgender.

It's not every day I meet someone who owns their own business so I wasn't expecting that but, congrates are in order I guess. Yeah, not so simple but hey, perhaps you could try looking into some other type of self employed work (as in try having a side job while working your other job or at least look into it and maybe invest in it) as a fall back for the day when you come out 100% and that way, if something happens at least you'll still have a job but, I'd like to believe people these days are more open to us and less discriminatory as they used to be. (I also think it depends on the area you live in the world too of course) Either way I trust it'll work out for you somehow.

Quote from: JulieC. on February 22, 2014, 09:55:11 AM
The "girls" have already arrived!  I don't think I'll get much bigger.  I'm and A cup so they are not noticeable in the winter when I am wearing bulky clothes unless I'm wearing a bra.  It's a little more of a problem in the summer when I am wearing just a tee-shirt.  And it's not so much the size of my boobs but the nipples are always poking out.  I'm sure some people notice but so what?  If you noticed a male that had bigger than usual breasts would you say anything to him?

I think people see what they expect to see and don't really notice the details most of the time.  There are a lot of other clues that one can observe.  I have both my ears pierced and wear ear rings.  I'm getting laser on my face and when I'm done with that I'm going to get electrolysis to get rid of the white hairs.  I shave my arms and legs.  It really shouldn't be that hard to put it all together.   

Even guys shave, have laser hair removal, wear ear rings and yes some of them have breasts too. (Makes it harder for people to notice the details lol) You're certainly right though that people only see what they want to see, partly to blame for that is humans automatically categorize people by gender based on many factors, it's in our nature. Another part of the blame goes to the fact that people just don't always pick up on things or notice stuff, as in we go about our lives without thinking too much on other stuff/details. As for the nipples, have you tried putting a band aid over them? That should keep them from poking out.

I just discussed the OP with my wife.  She isn't so much supportive as very accepting.  On the support side, if I was having huge issues moving forward, she would help but doesn't seem to see any need. That said, I beat myself up and stress over things but once I get to the decision stage, she usually just says "get going then".  She has only told one workmate whose response was "and you are still together?"  While surprised, I just let it go.  I have decided I am not trying to stop my family talking about it.  If they need to, they should. I have only asked that they use some level of judgement - preferably a high level!

Apart from the trans/health support industry (psych people, hair removal, physio, GP etc) the biggest challenge I have faced is an initial group voice session at a university last week.  The challenge for me (I do not present as female much and had rushed from work to get there) was to be identified as trans to the whole 4th-year class.  These are the people who will be conducting the therapy sessions in a supervised environment.  Wasn't expecting to have to walk into a room with all the students sitting there.  Oh well, another 20-odd people in the know!

My point is that lotsa people will know sooner or later, it will just spread or it won't.  I refuse to stress over who does or doesn't know.  I don't imagine it will be a surprise to some when it happens if the "girls" carry on.  Work disclosure will be interesting and I may have to tell my manager as soon as tomorrow since I want leave to attend voice therapy over the next few weeks and perhaps a nose fix later in the year. 

The risk of taking a hit to my income is not as obvious for me (I am a specialist and there is no career path at my current employer and don't desire any change but the insidious slow marginalisation may happen), and I sympathise with Julie.  A bit of a dice-roll that one and not something you can plan for except to be as good as you can be at servicing customers so that there is no good reason for them to leave you post-transition.

Women like to talk each other. That is a noticeable different between ordinary women and me. I usually do not talk so much. Women are different. Talking is a kind of emotional exchanges and sharing sympathies among women. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

I started crossdressing while I was in the U.S. The news of my crossdressing went beyond the boundary of the state where I lived, even to my home country, South Korea. People who work at my research areas know each other very well, regardless of nationality. That is actually a small group of people. That caused some problem for me when I applied for a job position in Korea.

Nowadays, everybody knows that I sometimes wear skirt and heels. It was a kind of rite of passage. Yes. At first, I worried that if my crossdressing is known to everybody, then I might have great difficulty in getting job and sustaining my family.

Fortunately or not, my colleagues and friends were mostly supportive of me, not because of my beauty or unique charateristics, but of my professional achievements. As long as I perform well at my working place and sustain my family well, my crossdressing is a minor issue for my colleagues and family members.

I post my photos of wearing skirts and heels in Facebook. Most people working at my area can see them. Nobody ever gave a negative comment.

barbie~~