Hello, my name is Evelyn. I have known there was something different about me at some of my earliest memories, when i remember it's not really pleasing. I started dressing and stealing my sisters clothes and dressing up in the bathroom and in my room at maybe age 7. Now I'm grown up and living as a woman, and living healthier!

I have just about everything down, but my voice! I have a therapist who is looking into small group voice trainings. It's an embarrassing face of my daily reality. It seems as though it's not too off though, considering being addressed correctly (ma'am, her, she). But in my lonely head it's a big problem. My therapist told me it was a slow and potentially lonely ride. Now I am living just that... yet being the outlandish child i was, not many friends were made. Women seem to accept me more, and that reduces self hatred. And my family not so much, due to my past fight with addiction.

I believe for not having much support, and still dealing with addiction, that i am doing well. I am doing less drugs and taking care of myself with a better hygiene, along with a side of therapy and art.

I have an issue that is lingering, the acknowledgment of being raised as a boy and the cravings for a childhood. I feel like a stray child, even sound like a strange baby at times. I feel alone and expired in this life of blissful nothingness. The transition has saved my life from myself and my constant suicidal ideation. Being hospitalized and over medicated without being of age for consenting i thought i would end it, and still have thoughts with no action besides the casual smoke break.

I find it easier to deal with life with the idea of possible happiness in sight. Hrt has saved my sanity! My photo timeline is uplifting and a jar of butterflies for my soul. Never have i felt like i needed something, forgotten something, like i do now. What could it be?!

It's the envy lingering! The sight of a biological woman makes me cringe with envy. The sight of my hairy body is enough to send me into a month long sleep with no water or food. I've stopped that since following my hormone doses and cleaning. The hormones and feet took away a little bit of my body hair yet not enough to make a difference visually to me. It's almost like a tease, cat with a string out of reach. As for breasts, it's not my most wanted change so the development I am fine with. One bigger than the other and hard balls behind the nipples, I'm all good with this growth. It's the reduction...i have a doctor appointment Tuesday so i hope it goes well. I am beginning to believe i STILL have too much T, nothing is reduced, just development happening! So frustrating!!!!

<(*~*)> Eve.

Not feet, i meant Veet the hair removal cream.

how long have you been on HRT

I started a year and 5 months ago.

You should have very little body hair (except for facial -once these evil things are triggered into existance only laser or electrolysis will defeat them), if any at 1 year and 5 months hrt unless your on an extreemly low dose. Yea I'd check with my endo if I were you.

My doctor is not working with me, he just gets angry because i have no idea what I'm needing. I want to get someone more educated and understanding. I think smoking and the condition i was in beforehand that might have delayed my transition. Sleeping for a month with no food and very little water is no good for the body nor mind and spirit.

Quote from: Elegant_Evelyn on February 24, 2014, 02:47:47 AM
My doctor is not working with me, he just gets angry because i have no idea what I'm needing. I want to get someone more educated and understanding. I think smoking and the condition i was in beforehand that might have delayed my transition. Sleeping for a month with no food and very little water is no good for the body nor mind and spirit.

No, starving is not the answer. Right now I weigh 120 but I'd do just about anything to lose the last 5 lb's I want to but one thing -starve myself. Your body needs nutrients. If your Endo's not working with you maybe you need to seek out another. Do you have a therapist? If you do maybe she or he may be able to help.

If your 'doctor' is not working with you, why is he your doctor? Why didn't you find a different doctor/endo? Come on... if you had a little crash in your car and you took it a body shop to get it repaired, and they wouldn't repair it, would you leave it there? Of course not - you'd take it somewhere else. And if they were pissed at you for being in an accident, what right would they have to be? You'd tell them to F' off, and you'd still take the car somewhere else and get it fixed.

How much more important is your body than your car? It sounds more like your doctor is being abusive, than being your doctor.

Quote from: Suziack on February 25, 2014, 11:23:55 AM
How much more important is your body than your car? It sounds more like your doctor is being abusive, than being your doctor.

Agreed, you need another doctor/endo. I'm going through the same problem. My PC just tells me what I want to hear and nothing gets done, so at the moment I'm searching for another Doctor. I took a break from my search to write this reply, now I'm getting back to it. As Suziack so plainly put it: "If your doctor's not helping, why is he your doctor?"

I wish you the best of luck in finding a better doctor that will more better serve your needs.

You're progressing about the right tempo for transition-related changes. You'll do well to try opening up a little more to new knowledge yourself and doing some research on your own.

For the hair, well, if you're developing breasts, you're blocking T most of the way. Your T count should be below 70 or so, according to most studies. The hair might just be a thing. If you had hair on your chest before, it'll stay there. Ditto back, face, buttcrack, whatever. If you want it gone, you'll have to get laser/electro. Some girls on here have had good results with doing it themselves but... I still have reservations about that, personally.

For the rest of things, the next couple of years are going to be a bit of a head-case for you. You'll question and figure things out and everything will keep becoming more and more clear the longer you live your authentic life.

Be well, cupcake.

quote:
And hey you don't know me there is no loss.
Unquote.

Yes there would be a loss. There would be one less person in this life to love. That would be my loss.

And yes I do not know you, but I don't have to know people to love them.

Sorry, like the headline said, "i will (try) to keep it sane". I just need to understandthis life more and maybe like myself. I've just been alone with my thoughts too long and missed my last appointment along with boredom. I've been dealing with these thoughts constantly for a few years and maybe it could be the answer or it could be the stupid view. Either way nothing has helped. The only joy i have is food. I haven't had a hug in months and haven't had a friend to casually talk to in a lot longer period. I even feel like on top of being socially awkward I'm losing all social skills. I want something to make me happy but then i know i would forget it and move back to the high pile of insults beatings and thoughts held as memories.

Quote from: Victoria Mitchell on February 25, 2014, 10:17:27 PM
For the hair, well, if you're developing breasts, you're blocking T most of the way. Your T count should be below 70 or so, according to most studies.

I wouldn't take that at face value... I started growing boobs with my T over 700 and E like 40 :S I mean they grew more when T got below 200 but even before then I was at a 32D. :/ Also shows you can't take HRT lightly lol.

Quote from: Victoria Mitchell on February 25, 2014, 10:17:27 PM
For the hair, well, if you're developing breasts, you're blocking T most of the way. Your T count should be below 70 or so, according to most studies. The hair might just be a thing.

I agree too that while this might be true about the hair for some girls, it isn't always the case. Though I was never very hairy, Only two months on hrt (well, close enough to it, lol!) has reduced my arm hair to nearly nothing, and same goes for the legs. I only had very very little chest hair right in the center between my boobs and that is now gone as well. What little I had on my hands, gone, same for my feet, gone. As for my face now that is my trouble area because of my age cause I have a few grays, and have to use charcoal dye on them for my lasers to be effective. But luckily here again I never could grow a beard, and I have had very good success with my two laser devices and one pulse flash device (Flash -n -Go) Now my one professional grade laser treats up to 60 hairs at once, it cost me a fair amount of $$. And though it will treat singles I also purchased a single hair laser with a constant beam for my eyebrows. I only use it to shape them though and you must be careful to not shine the beam in your eye. Over the last year I've gotten pretty good with them.

I realize everyone's results are different. But you should at least be getting a noticeable thinning of your chest hair. Now I'm not saying it will go away as mine did. But it should thin, and become more of a feminine type of hair.

If you'd like, feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to. A couple of girls here on Susan's have reached out to me and their caring has made a big difference in my attetude and hopes for my future. If I can help you in any way I'll be glad to. As for boobs my biological mom (I was adopted following her passing -I miss her dearly beyond words) was kind of flat chested so I can only hope I don't have the "A" cup gene, lol! However I do have her delicate bone structure and when I look in the mirror I look more and more like her every day. I won't complain cause my Mom was very beutiful. My girls are growing though and remind me of it every minute of every day, especially if I brush up against something, Ooo-cH!, lol!

Take care for we here wish only the best for you.
Ally

I agree with others on this. Remove the hair. Get a different endo. It might help to focus on things you like. Try meditation techniques.

Ok, i feel better after looking at before and after photos. My chest hair is thinner but it's still a lot.

Quote from: Elegant_Evelyn on February 26, 2014, 10:15:58 PM
Ok, i feel better after looking at before and after photos. My chest hair is thinner but it's still a lot.

Hrt affects us all differently. For some it might take longer to achieve the same results as others have in a shorter amount of time. The general belief is it takes approximately 2 years for hrt to achieve optimum results, however for some girls it may take a little lomger, and for some girls it may take a little less. My point is we are not all the same and that you may just need to be a little more patient regarding your chest hair, or,  have it removed by laser or electrolysis.

However I will affirm that if as you say your doctor is not working with you then maybe you need to find another Doctor that will. Again I wish you the best of luck.

Quote from: Allyda on February 26, 2014, 11:18:42 AM
I agree too that while this might be true about the hair for some girls, it isn't always the case. Though I was never very hairy, Only two months on hrt (well, close enough to it, lol!) has reduced my arm hair to nearly nothing, and same goes for the legs. I only had very very little chest hair right in the center between my boobs and that is now gone as well. What little I had on my hands, gone, same for my feet, gone. As for my face now that is my trouble area because of my age cause I have a few grays, and have to use charcoal dye on them for my lasers to be effective. But luckily here again I never could grow a beard, and I have had very good success with my two laser devices and one pulse flash device (Flash -n -Go) Now my one professional grade laser treats up to 60 hairs at once, it cost me a fair amount of $$. And though it will treat singles I also purchased a single hair laser with a constant beam for my eyebrows. I only use it to shape them though and you must be careful to not shine the beam in your eye. Over the last year I've gotten pretty good with them.

I realize everyone's results are different. But you should at least be getting a noticeable thinning of your chest hair. Now I'm not saying it will go away as mine did. But it should thin, and become more of a feminine type of hair.

If you'd like, feel free to pm me if you need someone to talk to. A couple of girls here on Susan's have reached out to me and their caring has made a big difference in my attetude and hopes for my future. If I can help you in any way I'll be glad to. As for boobs my biological mom (I was adopted following her passing -I miss her dearly beyond words) was kind of flat chested so I can only hope I don't have the "A" cup gene, lol! However I do have her delicate bone structure and when I look in the mirror I look more and more like her every day. I won't complain cause my Mom was very beutiful. My girls are growing though and remind me of it every minute of every day, especially if I brush up against something, Ooo-cH!, lol!

Take care for we here wish only the best for you.
Ally

wait you can dye it? god I've been living with this downy white hair way too long lol. i just thought they can't laser it (not that I ever tried) :/ it's completely wHite to the roots...

Quote from: sad panda on February 27, 2014, 04:22:49 AM
wait you can dye it? god I've been living with this downy white hair way too long lol. i just thought they can't laser it (not that I ever tried) :/ it's completely wHite to the roots...

I have a friend who works as a stripper. She's quite tanned and her very blonde body hair is quite obvious.. She's quite attractive and the hair really doesn't detract from that.

Quote from: sad panda on February 27, 2014, 04:22:49 AM
wait you can dye it? god I've been living with this downy white hair way too long lol. i just thought they can't laser it (not that I ever tried) :/ it's completely wHite to the roots...

If your talking about real real real reAL fine baby type hairs no. These are vesidual, and even cis women have them. Now if your talking about facial hair that has turned white or gray, yes you can use the charcoal dye to make lasers and pulse flas devices effective. Just go to the "hair removal" section under "health & beuty" on eBay and either scroll pages until you find it or tpe in "charcoal dye+hair removal" in the search box............ Oh hell just click here: http://www.ebay.com/itm/Carbon-Dye-For-Laser-Hair-Removal-Machine-IPL-Effective-Light-Hair-Treatment/171214488141?_trksid=p2047675.c100011.m1850&_trkparms=aid%3D222006%26algo%3DSIC.FITP%26ao%3D1%26asc%3D20888%26meid%3D5130534492649744828%26pid%3D100011%26prg%3D9311%26rk%3D4%26rkt%3D10%26sd%3D261340293410
Should fix you right up!
P.S: I'll warn ya of one thing, -it's messy, so have plenty of paper towels handy when ya get ready to use it!