As far as my day-to-day life goes, I'm pretty much indistinguishable from your run-of-the-mill camp gay guy. Obviously I receive some flak for that, and also for being comparatively open about my mental health struggles (well, except for the sex dysphoria, naturally). But on the whole, I'm a very privileged person, and I fully acknowledge that I don't have to go through as much ->-bleeped-<- as many (even most) people do.

With this in mind, I have to consider something important - is it worth pursuing transition, or would I be better off dying?

I've been suicidal for approximately 5-6 years now (around the time my voice broke, in fact), and have frequent major depressive episodes. I also have anxiety which ranges from slightly discomforting to borderline unbearable, leading to rather paranoid behaviours such as refusing to use zebra crossings (among other things). At my worst, I hate absolutely everything about my body, to the point where I deliberately silence myself solely so I can't hear my voice. I'm hyper-aware of everyone around me (and even when there's no one around me).

As mentioned above, I face some discrimination, though not much in the grand scheme of things. Transitioning, of course, would enormously amplify the discrimination thrown my way. Even in an absolute best-case scenario where I'm eventually able to pass consistently (unlikely given my height, shoulder width, shoe size etc.), I'll still face more ->-bleeped-<- than I would otherwise. And I can barely keep my head above water (figuratively speaking) now.

I've never managed to obtain a paid job so far (ignoring cash-in-hand stuff), and greatly fear for my prospects after I graduate from university (which will happen in a matter of months!) There really doesn't seem like there's that much to live for.

In fact, literally the only reason I didn't kill myself at, say, 15, is because I greatly feared the prospect of failing (and potentially being so greatly harmed that you can never attempt again). But now I know what method to use (it's annoyingly hard to find websites which give you information on how best to commit suicide), and I know a rough time-frame. I'd like to get my degree done first, and (in light of the achievement) "go out on a high note", so to speak.

I realise telling this to an internet community of complete strangers is rather silly, but there are very few people in my real life who could hear this sort of thing without panicking and forcing me into medical help I seriously couldn't handle.

So I have to wonder - should I transition... or should I die? I used to think the former was the only reasonable route, but then, maybe death is more so. I just don't know...

I see this as a "no-brainer."  Transition.

Death is an adverse, permanent solution, for a treatable condition.

You are not being silly - and you have a future, if you are brave enough to grab it with both arms.

First, best wishes and call a hotline or 911 before taking your life.

I am so happy I was a failure at suicide.

Take steps to get on HRT. Most transitioners will swear up and down that it is a miracle cure for suicidal depression. It has worked wonders for me.

Here is a question, would you rather end it all without risking an opportunity for true body/mind happiness?

Keep in mind, nobody here would suggest you end your life, and even further, we are not allowed to if we wanted to. Please don't. Feel free to drop me a PM if you ever need to chat.

Aloha,
Tori

Baby, as a Paramedic I can tell you transition! I have run a LOT of people who were still alive and I could see HUGE regret in their eyes before they died. They realized much too late life does have meaning. Yes, you could end up a whole lot worse though by harming your body so you would live a long life incapacitated for good. Please get this thought out of your head. Everything you listed (mental health issue's, depression, etc.) can be treated by HRT. Find you a good Therapist with Gender experience right away. They can and will help you through this. If these thought's persist, please call a hotline. There is a better world out there and a reason to live in it, I promise. Since starting transition I see this now.

I'l  just say my life was totally at the end . I was in the psyche ward and the over night doctor got me thinking about transition and here I am going on 5 months and it feels great.

Don't go. You seem so awesome and smart even with just this little bit I hear of you. It's just that you may not be seeing your situation realistically and you need to at least give it a chance. Hopefully you have health services at your university who can help you.

I was a femmy gay guy so I know how it feels and I know what it's like to be bullied and ridiculed. But you know, it's a lot easier to deal with the bs when you know you're in the body that feels comfortable for you. It's much easier to fight for something you believe in and struggled to become rather than something you were born into. So what you're not factoring is the person you're going to be after you transition. You're looking at the situation from the perspective of your current rather than your future self.

Do please pm me. We seem to have similar experiences. You'll be okay.

First of all, +1 to what everyone else has said.

And I have a question.  If your current femme/gay persona invites discrimination, why would passing as a woman invite more discrimination?  Yes, transition can be awkward.  But once you pass as a woman and can blend in, I'd expect discrimination to decrease pretty dramatically.  And besides, on HRT you stand a good chance of enjoying the mood/mind altering benefits that so many of us have experienced.  That alone will help you to blend in.

And I'd say that with your finishing college soon, now is a perfect time for transition.  If you can get your papers in order, and have the name changed on your college transcripts, then starting your career as a woman will be so much easier than transitioning mid-career as I'm doing.

Be safe, and best of luck.

Quote from: Cassandra Hyacinth on February 23, 2014, 06:35:28 PM

I realise telling this to an internet community of complete strangers is rather silly, but there are very few people in my real life who could hear this sort of thing without panicking and forcing me into medical help I seriously couldn't handle.

If there are people in your life that would panic if they thought you would kill yourself think what would happen to them if you did kill yourself. It would absolutely shatter those who are closest to you. Other lives apart from your own would be ruined.

I have felt like I didn't want to live before, when I was younger. Things will get better if you seek help to overcome your problems.

I think you need to urgently seek some professional help. A doctor or maybe a counselor at school.

I'm not going to tell you to stay alive.  I'm not going to tell you that your alternative to transition is morally wrong, or that you shouldn't end your life.  What I am going to tell you is this: Existence is a precious thing, even if it is unbearable.  I have two attempts on my record-the first while waiting for high school to end so I could transition, and a second time after my family almost disowned me.  Now, I've been presenting full time for two years, I pass roughly fifty percent of the time (not bad, considering I haven't had FFS), my mother and father are coming around, and I'm in a really fantastic community who accepts me.  Things can improve, and death prevents that possibility.

So do what you feel you need to do; I'm just going to tell you that it can get better, and it's worth trying before you throw in the towel.

As someone who has opted for the death option in the past as a result of not having known there was any other solution (including the fact that I didn't even fully comprehend the problem other than i found life to be unbearable to live another 70 years), I can say that I'm so glad now that I failed at it, or fought against my urge to do it, because then i would've never been the person I am slowly becoming. Since transitioning, I've actually thought to myself "man, it would suck if i died now" lol, my life is in no way easier than it was before, but its bearable now, its livable, and i look forward with excitement of my uncertain future, instead of dread and misery.

I dont know if you're religious, but if you're not ~ consider the following: after you die there is absolutely nothing, you become energy without any form of consciousness; the fact alone that you are on this planet is a phenomenon within itself, and you have been chosen by some infinitesimal chemical reaction that brought you into this world by CHANCE, when millions of other attempts failed, your life was the 1 in a million chance that brought you into existence. You have 100 years to enjoy this life before its all over, might as well enjoy all of it and fight for what makes you happy.

I dont dare say that its wrong to choose death ~ im one of the few people who believes that its your body, you can do what you want; but in my personal experience and brushes with death, i can honestly say that I'm SOOOOO glad i survived to get to where I am now. Since transitioning, i've felt more outcasted and put in awkward situations than I ever imagined, but I am so proud to tell anyone who opposes me that I'm embrace what I am, and most of society cant so much as admit to petty desires. I dealt with depression for 23 years and saw multiple doctors, took multiple pills, and often felt like my life was pointless, but then I realized "I'm gonna die in maybe 70 years or sooner, might as well cause a little chaos " (i obviously don't mean anything crazy, i mean go against societal norms and just do what makes me happy without caring about the petty societal consequences)

It gets better! I promise. Not saying life gets easier, or less difficult, in fact life gets harder, but your ability to handle it will get so much better that those problems will seem like mosquito bites compared to the walls they use to feel like.