OK Riven, I am going to be VERY direct here and you might not like it, but there are things you need to hear and they cannot be said kindly

Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AM
I appreciate all the love and sentiment, but I just don't see any real hope for myself on this.

You are stuck at the minute. To a certain extent you are wallowing in self-pity and it is understanable why. You cannot see the path clear, but there is one.

Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AMSure I can practice the walk and talk for three years, but then where does that get me?

It gets you in a MUCH better position to transition. Transition takes money and time. You should be viewing the next three years as an investment in your transition. You can even start it now by getting laser treatment for bristles and body hair - they cannot toss you out of the military for that and it takes YEARS.

Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AMmy bone structure and voice will be way beyond repair.

Complete rubbish. Your voice and bone structure are already set and a few more years will make VERY little difference. Voice training will take care of your voice whatever age you are.

Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AMI should have stayed true to my course when I first felt this instead of joining the military. but on the other hand, my mother would never allow me to take estrogen under her roof and I didn't have any means of making it to college OR paying for what I needed.

Well then, stop dwelling on it. You cannot change the past but brooding on "What if...what if..." will give you depression or black moods or lassitude and then you will have another problem to deal with.

Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AMIf our military could just stop being so proud for just a while and look at other countries to maybe validate ourselves I wouldn't be stuck in this stupid predicament. I could be happily transitioning and never know what it feels like to have suicidal thoughts.

This is not your battle. Your battle is start your transition now. Start laser treatment, see CIVILIAN therapists when on leave and work towards a successful discharge so that you get all the medical and financial benefits that will make your transition better.

Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AMI'm disappointed and angry to the point where I don't want to deal with it anymore.

That will not work. You MUST deal with it.

Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AMI can leave now and hope to god my future employer doesn't know anything about the military

Wishes are not reality. Hope is not a plan. Do not make the mistake of confusing them or they will really screw up your life.

Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AMor I can stay in and let me body mindlessly destroy itself for the next three years

Stop believing that. It is total cr*p and there is no other way to put it. You are WAY past puberty. Three years will make little difference and people transition well in their 30s, 40 and 50s and if you look on this site you will see that. There are plenty of nay-sayers who will jump up and down and scream "No! It is too late!! You need to have transitioned at 14". Pay them no heed.

If you leave now and lack the resources to transition well, then you will do yourself more damage than another three years of T.

Quote from: Riven on February 22, 2014, 03:45:34 AMuntil I'm out and decide it's not worth the attempt and waste all that time anyways. It is so tempting to just do it, and show my mother and the military the pain they're going to cause a family because of their own proud ignorance.

What about your proud ignorance? Do you really think that standing there in front of them flaunting some victimhood will make a difference? The military will be glad to be rid of you because they do not want any trans people and your family will just think you are mad.

You need to take control here. You need to drive this forward and stop caring about what others think. Transition is for YOU and you can start it today in preparation for the full commencement in three years. Start laser on your body hair. Start saving for SRS / FFS. Get your benefits and your education. Take something like Finasteride as an anti-androgen. It is a common drug against hair loss and even the military cannot complain about that.

You can start now. But only you can start it.

Thanks for all the kind words, I'm feeling a bit better. Looking at it through clearer eyes makes it easy to see suicide doesn't benefit anybody and even the colonel that has to deal with the paperwork couldn't care less. I think the key to my survival to is get more friends and family behind me as a physical support. If I can just focus on my Education and being me on my time I think I'll get through this. I'm angry and I'm upset but I'll use it as fuel to get through this and I'll feel much better in the end I think. I just need a good physical group of people who I can look in the eye and tell what's going on in my mind. I love you all, but there's only so much words on a screen can do to calm me down. Thanks for keeping me here.

I was recently hospitalized for attempting suicide. And the best advice given tovme has been why would you want to end your life before you get to be who you want to be.
Stay with us be latient everything will work out.

Quote from: Riven on February 24, 2014, 12:45:21 AM
I love you all, but there's only so much words on a screen can do to calm me down.

That's very true.