I think others might feel similar...

I'm in a female's body. I look very femme. However, in general, I feel weird calling myself a girl and it hurts just a little female pronouns. And most of all I like men as if I'm a guy. Since 13 I was aware of my sexuality. As a child I'd rather be a boy I was socially comfortable with boys. I feel sometimes like I'm crazy then I realize this is me. And then I shut the door cuz it's scary. I feel weird like a creep especially my sexuality. I just want to go in a hole or put this in a hole and never feel this way again.

Unfortunately this type of feeling will never go away unless you try to become the person you know that you are inside .Sometimes that seems like an impossible Dream with all of lifes expectations and the expectations that the existance you where born into force onto You.All I can say is no matter how long it takes to get to the stage you can actually take charge of your own body and outwardly show the world the real you inside .It will never be too late .Just hang onto the thought that you know who you are reguardless of how other people see you

Hugs Anita Brown

Nick, your identity, WHATEVER that is, is valid. Just keep reminding yourself. I'm a gay man and I don't think that makes me a creep. If that's what you are, you're not a creep either. You should give yourself all the time you need to get to know yourself and figure out who you are but give yourself the freedom to explore it openly and discuss it with others in a safe place, like here at Susan's, and hopefully also with a good therapist who understands trans issues.

Don't be disheartened. There is transphobia within the gay community as well, unfortunately, but acceptance of both gay people and trans people is growing by leaps and bounds and I think we're doing a pretty good job of chiseling away at it within our own gay communities though we still have our jobs cut out for us. Maybe I'm just lucky to find myself within the right circles, but my anecdotal experiences have been pleasantly surprising in that regard.

Someone loving you for something you're not is empty. Acceptance and love as our REAL SELVES are basic human needs. There is nothing creepy about it. The people out there pushing the gender binary are the creeps, IMHO. That's a perversion of reality and it's making a lot of people really miserable.

Quote from: Nickrose20 on February 24, 2014, 04:51:43 AM
I think others might feel similar...

I'm in a female's body. I look very femme. However, in general, I feel weird calling myself a girl and it hurts just a little female pronouns. And most of all I like men as if I'm a guy. Since 13 I was aware of my sexuality. As a child I'd rather be a boy I was socially comfortable with boys. I feel sometimes like I'm crazy then I realize this is me. And then I shut the door cuz it's scary. I feel weird like a creep especially my sexuality. I just want to go in a hole or put this in a hole and never feel this way again.

You are neither weird nor a creep for feeling that way. Have you ever heard of tranifesto.com ? The author is a gay trans man who spent a few decades as an ultra femme straight woman, but always felt off in a way as well. You may get some benefit from reading his works.

There's nothing wrong with being yourself, whatever form that takes.

I think many have simular experience or felt something simular. I can relate from myself or others I know.
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it pretty normal as we all have diffrent sexualety and gender identity,
you are neither wierd nor abnormal but as you are quit scared of it I think its good you can get to talk to others about how you feel here on Susan or by suport groups or friends.

I got the feeling maybe you are frustrated because you cant simple join in a box. at least for myself I remember when I was younger I identifyed as a guy it was fine, being gay was also okay, but ME liking guys was NOT okay. I felt like this was quit a thread for my own manhood, that "if you are a guy you should be a real guy"
gay guys are femenine, straight guys are real men, bla bla label label steryotypes...

we all deal with these and somethimes it just easy to jump into one category and everything is simple, but when you dont quit fit it can be scary and confussing, on where do I go now?

I could be wrong, this was just a thouht. as mention I think it good you get out on your feeling, and I think only time will help on you talking and explorying.

Gay guys are arguably a lot more masculine than straight guys. Think about it. There was a comedian who talked about it. He was Australian. I'll try to find it. It went something like this...

"I like girls. They're soft, and pretty, and small, and delicate."

"Yeah? Well, I f**k blokes!"

Always take your time. It took me a long time to figure things out myself, but I think it's all worth it.

I spent a bunch of years feeling the way you do, trying to hide how I felt. It seemed like it should have been easier to admit to wanting boys and continue pretending to be a straight girl, having a female body, but it wasn't easy and it only got more difficult as time went on. I always thought like a man who liked men, and that wouldn't go away no matter how much mental gymnastics I engaged in.

Now, I'm fully accepted in public as a gay man, and I'm not always welcome among gay men who know that I'm trans, but the social acceptance part will never be as frustrating or powerful as fighting with myself was.

This was actually one of the key factors to me figuring out I was trans* when I first read about it. I liked other people not as a female, but as a male. I saw myself being in relationships only as a male. It made things awfully difficult. However, it's not bad or strange of you! A lot of people feel this way, it seems to be a common part of being FtM.

Quote from: Crowley on February 25, 2014, 02:28:25 AM
This was actually one of the key factors to me figuring out I was trans* when I first read about it. I liked other people not as a female, but as a male. I saw myself being in relationships only as a male. It made things awfully difficult. However, it's not bad or strange of you! A lot of people feel this way, it seems to be a common part of being FtM.

For me it seemed better or more acceptable if I thought of myself as a guy with a girl. But with girls that's how I see myself it's just like I can't personally take any interest but my outlook is as if its male to female attraction. I've never really been able to think of myself as a female. I just feel pretend. And like physically this is the only way. But overall it's like myself I'm too small.

Is it a little ironic that, as a cis guy, my first two boyfriends and a number of others after that treated me like "the woman" in the relationship and I actually got pretty comfortable with that? It makes me wonder if I'm not where thought I was on the gender spectrum. I think I might be androgenous-leaning but definitely male-identified.

I found it odd and a bit too headache inducing to define the first time I came out to a friend.  And trying to find the terms to best describe me became way too muddled.

So I just stopped trying, and basically threw out any definition or label to define my orientation.  I decided I would just be attracted to whoever I will be attracted to whichever gender or sex they happen to be.  This actually opened my orientation up a bit and allowed it to evolve.  I've actually felt a lot more content once I did too.

It actually slowed me down. I was a born girl who liked guys. Seemed normal until I realized I didn't want to be a girl.

Quote from: dalebert on February 25, 2014, 11:50:51 AM
Is it a little ironic that, as a cis guy, my first two boyfriends and a number of others after that treated me like "the woman" in the relationship and I actually got pretty comfortable with that? It makes me wonder if I'm not where thought I was on the gender spectrum. I think I might be androgenous-leaning but definitely male-identified.

I've always liked being validated that I'm the girl because I don't feel it personally.