Hello, everyone.

I come to you today as someone who is starting to become genuinely confused about my desires, because frankly they are starting to make no sense to me whatsoever anymore.

Basically, as of this week, I've now officially hit the stage of transition that I originally told myself I'd go full-time once I hit... the stage where dressed androgynously, most people are gendering me female.

I was expecting that by this point, after hearing female pronouns a thousand times, and after several weeks of trying to present as female at every minute of every day, my doubts would have finally been erased. But they haven't been. And now I'm just genuinely confused.

Here's the problem.

I'm having a hard time crossing the mental barrier of seeing myself as a woman. I still can't imagine it for some reason. There's still just this block in my mind where, when I think of myself as legally female, think of myself presenting as female full-time, and asking people to accept me as female and changing my legal name into my female name and give me all the legal rights that women have, I can't imagine it. For some reason, it feels wrong.

And here's where it gets really confusing. This does not mean that I'm doubting my gender identity. My gender identity is very clearly female.

I LOVE LOVE LOVE having a completely female body thanks to HRT, and there is no way in hell that I could ever go back to the way things were before. I love having boobs. I love having soft skin. I love having a waist and hips. And in every single way that I used to hate my body, I actually like it now. I'm smiling when I look in the mirror for the first time in my life, I LOVE seeing a girl there, and I NEVER want to see a guy again.

Even weirder... I know that I identify as female socially. I HATE it when people gender me male, and I smile every time they gender me female. I love being treated like a girl, and I hate being treated like a man. My social expression and mannerisms are naturally very feminine, and I love acting feminine, doing hand gestures, and a high voice, and being cute, and doing feminine things like wearing earrings and nail polish. I love my long hair. I love being able to wear clothes that actually show off my body instead of hiding it. So again, my social gender identity is definitely female, and I feel free to express myself as a girl in a way that I never was as a guy. I'm already tucking and wearing a bra full-time, and presenting in a feminine manner full-time, and I don't ever want to stop that either. I love every second of being feminine, where I REFUSED to act masculine before, and hated it when people expected me to act as such.

But again, for some reason, I just can't imagine myself as a full-time woman. Even though I never want to be male. Even though I always want to be gendered female. Even though I want a completely female body and am still dealing with genital dysphoria and wanting SRS. Even though I never have ANY doubts whatsoever about never going back to the way things were. I still just can't seem to mentally cross that barrier of seeing myself as actually being a woman.

I can't think of a single reason why my gender identity is not female. And I can't think of a single logical reason why I shouldn't go full-time. And I never want to be male again, and I want a completely female body, and I want to be gendered female by people socially. So why am I having so many doubts about it? I really don't get it.

I could use some serious advice on this. Because I'm going to be honest, I don't understand it at all. And I've never heard of anyone else having this big of an issue with the full-time barrier. Usually full-time is something that trans girls immediately jump into regardless of whether they look the part or not yet. Whereas even after 13 months of hormones and loving every single second of having my new feminine body and all of my female genderings and feminine social expressions, I still can't seem to cross that barrier.

Help?

Set a date. A hard, no-nonsense date. It doesn't have to be today or this week - set it as close as you feel comfortable with.
Tell someone who knows about you - your boss - what that date is.


This will all make it much easier to plan for, and to execute when the time comes. I did something very much like this, and it worked splendidly.

I don't mean to be funny or mean, but if those are your real breasts I think your already beyond full time. Unless you've found a way to hide them some how.

Just my opinion of course, but I think you are simply thinking about it too much. I know because in the past I over analyzed a LOT of things to the point the event was over before I made a decision on what to do. When I started transition beside losing the male part of me I promised myself to lose the over thinking thing as well. It has worked out amazingly! It feels so good to just be spontaneous and go with the flow. I find I don't obsess about transition or any other events in my life and just live. Forget about being trans and think about the future and things you would like to do. It helped me a lot to get this mind set by doing a daily 6 mile walk. I don't allow myself to think about anything. All I do is walk, listen, look around, smell the air and act natural. Distraction is a wonderful thing.

Quote from: stephaniec on February 24, 2014, 09:19:35 AM
I don't mean to be funny or mean, but if those are your real breasts I think your already beyond full time. Unless you've found a way to hide them some how.

Lol, yes, those are completely real. That picture is just wearing a basic non-padded bra. And no, I make no effort to hide them whatsoever when I'm at work or out in public.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on February 24, 2014, 09:25:28 AM
Lol, yes, those are completely real. That picture is just wearing a basic non-padded bra. And no, I make no effort to hide them whatsoever when I'm at work or out in public.

I wear my bra all the time I'm a c cup. I don't dress in dresses or skirts yet but I going to try by summer.  But given just the way were breasts are I don't know but I would consider that being full time with or without a dress on. Most woman were slacks or jeans and a sweater. I mean if you were covering up all the time I would say yea your not full time , but what is full time other then people seeing you as female.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on February 24, 2014, 07:21:59 AM
So why am I having so many doubts about it? I really don't get it.

I could use some serious advice on this.

Carrie, I totally understand. I don't feel female either. I've been living full time for more than 8 months, and I still feel like a male "in disguise".

But I love every minute of it.

It was scary. I was worried about the restrooms, how I would be taken at work, how I would appear in public. I would have no safe male identity to fall back on.

As it worked out, all of those turned out to be non-issues. I have been tempted to return to my male presentation exactly ZERO times since going full time.

I don't know if this helps, but it's my experience.

You can't imagine what it is like to be a woman full-time because you just don't know what that is like yet. I'll go out on a limb though and suggest that the only real difference between full-time and what you are doing now is your own state of mind.

Something that I found to be difficult in my transition was to believe in myself as a woman. After I had SRS I'd sit around and wonder why I didn't feel like a woman yet. News flash! There's no such thing. Feeling like a woman is experiencing life as a woman, and that takes time. You can sit around on your ass till your hair turns gray, but you'll never ever get anywhere until let go and move on, regardless of how you at the moment.

I think you'll find that once you go ft it'll all work out on it's own. Personally I think the most liberating aspect of transition was to be able to let go of my fear and just go with it. You can't go back to where you've been, and you can't stay where you are right now. This is your life, and it is happening right now. There's no next time or tomorrow. Fear and uncertainty is irrelevant, so stop wasting your time and move on.

Perhaps I'm not being helpful, idk. Transition was so long ago that it barely feels real anymore. My feeling back then we're very different from what they are today, but what I remember most vividly was how I'd be scared of things to come. In hindsight though I could never really understand why.

One of my all time favorite movies is Fight Club. There's a scene in which Tyler Durdan tells Jack to "Just let go!", and that quote has just stuck with me. It has become my reminder in life to consider whether something truly is important or not. I really liked that movie because a large part of the message, or how I interpreted it anyway, to not let the things that don't matter control your life. Your transition is not for the benefit of others. So, as scary as it may seem, you have my permission to move on.....today

Best regards, Maria

I would like to offer my opinion if I may? I think it is the lack of planning. I don't think it is something to take lightly.  As in well I pass now, time to go full time. For me I felt the same way. But, I was able to pass from the beginning, pre her. I don't think passing should be your determining factor of going full time. I think as someone else said it helps to set the hard date and work towards that date. What people need to do to prepare for full time is situational. But it sounds to me like you just need to work out to logistics of actually being full time. I.e. the legalities and telling who you need too. It sounds like your pretty much full time anyways, just need to make it official. 

-Liv

LOL i didnt pass for years, but i was a hot ->-bleeped-<- mess I probably still dont 100% of the time but i dont really care.

I think it's entirely possible to stay in androgynous mode as long as you feel comfortable there. 

You have spent many years pretending to be male, even though you knew that was a facade.  Maybe you can drop that pretense without "acting" as a female.

My personal goal is to be my authentic self, whatever that really is.   I think of myself as definitely "not male", but not exactly female either.

I want to stop pretending.  Trading a male act for a female one is still acting.

Randi

Quote from: Randi on February 24, 2014, 01:43:31 PM
I think it's entirely possible to stay in androgynous mode as long as you feel comfortable there.

That's just it... I don't feel comfortable there. I'm tired of being there. I'm tired of people gendering me male, I'm REALLY tired of not knowing whether people are seeing a girl or a guy when they look at me, tired of constantly feeling like I'm not female enough to do feminine things, and I want it to freaking end. But at the same time, I'm just having this serious stigma about going full-time and getting it over with, and I don't know whether it's because of genuine doubt, or just feelings of fear and inadequacy.

Quote from: MariaMx on February 24, 2014, 09:53:24 AM
You can't imagine what it is like to be a woman full-time because you just don't know what that is like yet. I'll go out on a limb though and suggest that the only real difference between full-time and what you are doing now is your own state of mind.

Well, kind of. You're right, right now I basically am trying to be female full-time, and be recognized as such. I'm tucking full-time, wearing a bra full-time, and trying to use a female voice and mannerisms full-time. But to me going full-time, making the official legal switch, officially changes the gender-presentation thing from just being a way of expressing my femaleness to the world, into being a world of constant pressure where those feminine behaviors are now an expectation, and I'd constantly have to prove my femaleness to the world in order to be accepted as a girl, rather than it still being okay to be a bit genderqueer presentation-wise because I'm still using the bathrooms and private areas and social circles and whatnot of my birth sex. That's the big difference, is that I'd basically be taking my big 6'2" 230-lb body with some very masculine facial features, and expecting women to be totally okay with me using the same private areas as them, and accepted as one of them. And that admittedly makes me really scared. And I'm sure that's where some of the doubt is coming from, is that feeling of "ME? Socially accepted as female? With THIS body?" and feeling inadequate, which makes me feel like an outsider intruding who doesn't belong there, even though it's what I want.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on February 24, 2014, 02:17:09 PM
Well, kind of. You're right, right now I basically am trying to be female full-time, and be recognized as such. But to me going full-time officially changes the gender-presentation thing from just being a way of expressing my femaleness to the world, into being a world of constant pressure where those feminine behaviors are now an expectation, and I'd constantly have to prove my femaleness to the world in order to be accepted, rather than just being someone who it's okay to be a bit genderqueer presentation-wise because I'm still using the bathrooms and private areas and social circles and whatnot of my birth sex. That's where some of this mental stigma is definitely from, is in that feeling of inadequacy, of having to overcome my not-naturally-female appearance to prove to the world that I deserve to be accepted as female.

It looks like the only way to go is to do it and succeed or fail. At least the torment of not knowing will have ended

Mental barriers are really hard to overcome.  I had the same thing as you.  I simply could NOT imagine going full time.  I just couldn't.  It was something that I couldn't do!  Then one day, I was gendered female after conversations with multiple people and had a guy do a heel-face turn as I exited the men's bathroom.  After that, it was just stupid to ever imagine going out in androgynous boys' clothes ever again!  You are exactly who you feel you are (and what you look like!).  Envision exactly what you want.  Exactly the person that you ARE in your future minds' eye.  You don't have to jump 100% right into it and never look back.  Take baby steps.  Take a walk dressed as your true self.  Go shopping.  Walk your dogs or cats or goldfish.  Build your confidence up and you'll baby step over the mental wall.

Hello Carrie, I certainly don't know you personally, but I'd say you appear as if you could go full time now.  Reading your story, I'd say you just need to take that next step.  I don't say that lightly or even assume it to be an easy step to take.  Is it your fear of being discovered as having once been living as a male?  You look very much like a female in your pic and you should, because that's exactly what you are.  I'm nowhere near where you are.  When I dressed and went to the mall I was scared to death I'd be "discovered".  Turns out nobody really cared.  There were a few looks, but I was never approached by anyone, they just left me to myself.  My own fears finally caused me to cut my shopping trip short and return home.  I wasn't on hrt, I certainly didn't have breasts, and I'm sure my makeup was suspicious looking at best .  Despite my fears, I just had to get out even for a short while and be me, take that step.  I think you are beyond that and just need someone to say go ahead, it's okay, you're a woman so go live your life.  Sorry for rambling, but I really do suspect you are ready to live your life and I envy you for that.  Take care sweetheart.

Just this past weekend me and my wife were discussing me going/being full time actually. I had mentioned that I thought it was time to start living full time. I said I never get sired anymore and that I had stopped using the mens restroom when in public because of all the odd looks I had been getting when I did. We also talked about the fact that I didn't own any clothing that would not be seen as womens. She then ask me when the last time I had gone outside the house that I wasn't wearing make up, jewelry , and didn't have my hair fixed. And to be honest, I couldn't remember. What I'm getting at is she made me realize I was full time without even knowing it. There was no set date, no big revolution moment, no fireworks, nothing. I guess you could say "He" just sort of faded away and "She" took his place. Now I guess it will be official as soon as get my name legally changed. Now I'm not saying this is what has taken place or should take place with you, its just something to think about. You could be like me and be full time and not even know it.

Quote from: kountrygurl on February 25, 2014, 01:04:44 AM
Just this past weekend me and my wife were discussing me going/being full time actually. I had mentioned that I thought it was time to start living full time. I said I never get sired anymore and that I had stopped using the mens restroom when in public because of all the odd looks I had been getting when I did. We also talked about the fact that I didn't own any clothing that would not be seen as womens. She then ask me when the last time I had gone outside the house that I wasn't wearing make up, jewelry , and didn't have my hair fixed. And to be honest, I couldn't remember. What I'm getting at is she made me realize I was full time without even knowing it. There was no set date, no big revolution moment, no fireworks, nothing. I guess you could say "He" just sort of faded away and "She" took his place. Now I guess it will be official as soon as get my name legally changed. Now I'm not saying this is what has taken place or should take place with you, its just something to think about. You could be like me and be full time and not even know it.

Problem is, I'm still too scared to go out wearing makeup or jewelry, because I'm afraid that I don't look female enough.

I usually just end up wearing androgynous things that, while they're technically female clothes, the only thing remotely feminine about them is that they hug the body a bit more than men's clothes would. I definitely have an inadequacy issue with wearing blatantly-feminine things. Despite all of the female genderings that I get even while wearing men's clothes, I still always feel like people are staring at me, and am always scared to present in a manner that's blatantly feminine.

So in a way I guess I'm still clinging to "him" because I'm too scared, too afraid that people won't see "her" for who she is.

I understand what your saying. I was stuck in that in between mode for months. It can be exhausting. I would get so discouraged, I would put on something, whether it would be cloths, make-up, jewelry, or what ever, then take it right back off. I just couldn't do it. And finally I decided, ok I have to do something. So every so often I would push myself just a little bit out of my comfort zone, not much, but just a little. And every day I would do that same thing until it to became part of my comfort zone. Then pick another small step and start doing that. Before you know it, all the stuff you used to find so scary really are just part of your everyday routine. Don't get me wrong it wasn't easy. Each and every small step I would take was terrifying. But the more comfortable I became with each step, the more confident I would become and the more things would just sort of fall into place. Even the slightest move forward is a lot better than standing still. And for me anyway, I was so scared if I stood still too long I might start going backwards, and I sure as hell was NOT letting that happen. 

I really relate to that.

Quote from: Carrie Liz on February 25, 2014, 02:04:48 AM
Problem is, I'm still too scared to go out wearing makeup or jewelry, because I'm afraid that I don't look female enough.

I tend to set very low expectations. If they are exceeded, great. If not, I avoid some disappointment.

When I first went full-time I didn't pass. People knew I was male bodied. I made a decision that I'd rather been seen as a male trying to look female, than as an ordinary male - that would be more true to my identity. I was prepared to live a life as a non-passing woman. I listened to the stories of women I knew who didn't pass. None of them ever complained about their transitions. They were just as thrilled to live as women as the totally passable women I knew. In fact, they seemed more chill, since they didn't have to worry about whether they were being read. I decided that if the best I could do was live like them, that would still be an amazing way to live compared where I was.

When I did start passing, it was the most amazing feeling. I walked around on a cloud for weeks. But at that point I already knew I wanted to remain fulltime, passing or not.