This is just my opinion. When we go through stages of transition or even when we think about the possibilities, I think we often fall into a self-critical mode. I do that. I think about my masculine traits or how I need to do this or that to get to a passable state.
      I think the ultimate goal (for me) is to get to where I am not thinking about myself. A state where I accept myself as I am and then I can focus on my purpose in life. Gender is not my purpose. The most amazing people in life are not successful at being a man or woman. It has more to do with how they affect other people and often that can be through her work. Rarely do I think, Oh she is amazingly good at being a woman. It's more of Wow she is so talented or generous or gracious or artistic or sympathetic or.........  Hey just sharing an idea here. I'd like to get to the stage of losing myself and just having a worthwhile purpose.

Your opinion is intelligent and valid. You are wise!

That was sweet! Thanks. I was just thinking that lots of cis women do spend a lot of their time maintaining their 'femininity'. Plucking and shaving and coloring and primping and they have such an advantage because they start at an early age. We have to put even more time into that stuff, like finding out how to do different looks, what fashions work. On and on. A lot of effort can go into appearances and passing and that's not even my true goal in life. It's like a woman is able be an activist or a doctor. A man can do that too. Those vocations might just be more important than the goal of transitioning or passing. Gender and sexuality do not impress me much, but I have to laugh because being comfortable in one's own skin is not a minor thing. It's important. I think it might lead to an inner peace, a happiness that can emanate outward, boosting all of our endeavors. That inner comfort is probably very soothing. Inner peace is connected with confidence and that's connected with attaining valuable goals. Right? 

Gina_Z

A lot of what you say resonates with me.  I won't even try to describe or to define gender much less describe my gender which I usually classify as GQ (but for me it would be better classified as GR or Gender Right i.e. where I am is unusual but it feels right for me).

Back Story.  For a long time I thought that I was broken, that I had a disturbing fetish or perhaps was a paraphiliac given my often over powering urge to cross dress.  When I did cross dress I enjoyed the whole gender performance. and was certainly ok with this.  But after hrt  my intense and persistent GD just disappeared.   Post hrt , I am in such a great mental and spiritual place that the whole gender performance no longer seems relevant.  I am happy being me - my only challenge has been to control what feels like an addiction to or a dependence on hrt (and constant urge to increase my dose) with the desire to enjoy all the benefits of hrt but with a minimal or low rate of physical change and try to evolve towards a more androgynous presentation.  In short physical transition no longer feels important and is in many ways extremely unsettling and feels quite dangerous in terms of its potential to upset my carefully constructed life and key relationships.

So for me an emotional and spiritual transition works but the physical and relationship transition or change in gender presentation now seems a whole lot less necessary or indeed compelling.  Now this may change as I journey onwards but for the moment gender (as in performance) is indeed not everything.

Safe travels

Aisla

It is extremely obsessive for me right now.  The HRT helped, and I am simply trying  now to feel honestly without fear.  I am trying to  not think about it.  I don't worry about my outward appearance, I worry about my inward feelings and state of mind.  I am quite sure the answer is in helping others - to battle with the obsessive part of this.

But it is a big problem for me.  I can drive myself crazy with it, fast.  I am learning to think with my heart - to follow my heart and allow myself to feel.

I see what your seeing and it makes a lot of sense. On the other hand, I think the reason that trans people obsess a bit more is that the confidence to just be yourself isn't really there until you not only feel comfortable in your own skin (which takes time as we all know) but also to be confident you're being clocked as the correct gender by people in many cases. For me it was difficult to go out in public with confidence when I didn't pass as male because I felt everyone was staring at me or even trying to figure out if I was male/female. Of course nobody really was doing this but its hard to get past when not being correctly identified most of the time for some trans people anyways.

However, what you say is valid and if we could get past that and focus on just being who we are and letting the pieces fall into place, things would be much easier!

I think sometimes trans people obsess about this and this is normal in are particularly place. I am to the point, post top surgery, where I'm thinking about other things.

--Jay