I'm so shakey and insecure. I feel like I am male. I don't feel transgender I just have always leaned more male with neutral and feminine traits.when living as a female, I constantly have this outward perception and desire and need for people to say I am really pretty and femme. That I fulfill what a woman should be because in myself I don't feel it. Like I don't like relationships with guys as a girl. But I like being validated but then it just goes into a hole inside me because i dont feel it. but i feel like if i try hard enough maybe eventually I would it never seems to work. Girls I love it when they're jealous. It makes me feel better about this situation who I really am but like no matter how many people tell me how perfect I look on the outside I still don't feel it don't own it. I think this is why I started to love my boobs because of what the reaction I get from others. Idk has anyone ever gone through a stage likethis?

I did go through a bit of a stage where I tried to fit in with all the other girls in my school and neighborhood. I thought about going goth because at least I could be masculine in a way. I liked wearing black, baggy clothing and I wanted piercings, tattoos and short hair. I tried straightening my hair and wearing cute girly clothes to fit in and get compliments from people but it just felt really awkward. I've never had the body for dresses or cute tops; I look a lot better in guy mode.

I don't know if that answered your question in any way but I've felt similar to what you're feeling. I've tried to fit in with girls, impress all the guys, make the girls jealous and all that but it didn't work. It started when I tried to impress this guy I fell hard for a few years ago and he said he didn't like me because I was too boyish. I do think I better suit a masculine role in relationships.. sorry for the rambling but yeah.

There was a period where I had to have people call me female. It passed pretty quick when I realized I was a guy. Though back then I didn't know about trans* so you are already farther along in figuring yourself out.

Quote from: Mr Hockey on March 02, 2014, 12:34:50 AM
I did go through a bit of a stage where I tried to fit in with all the other girls in my school and neighborhood. I thought about going goth because at least I could be masculine in a way. I liked wearing black, baggy clothing and I wanted piercings, tattoos and short hair. I tried straightening my hair and wearing cute girly clothes to fit in and get compliments from people but it just felt really awkward. I've never had the body for dresses or cute tops; I look a lot better in guy mode.

I don't know if that answered your question in any way but I've felt similar to what you're feeling. I've tried to fit in with girls, impress all the guys, make the girls jealous and all that but it didn't work. It started when I tried to impress this guy I fell hard for a few years ago and he said he didn't like me because I was too boyish. I do think I better suit a masculine role in relationships.. sorry for the rambling but yeah.

I tried being very feminine and physically I'm pretty successful at it. It's just mentally I don't see anything in common with the image and person I'm trying to be really. I have a bratz doll look with a lollipop smaller shorter figure. So I was fine pretending the part physically. It's just mentally... Not so much. And it's like no matter how much validation and how beautiful people say I am I still can't call it my own and be comfortable with who I am on the outside. Really.

Quote from: Alexthecat on March 02, 2014, 12:41:33 AM
There was a period where I had to have people call me female. It passed pretty quick when I realized I was a guy. Though back then I didn't know about trans* so you are already farther along in figuring yourself out.

I always have known inside I'm just male. It's just I'm scared to let it out. I just want belong and be the best person I can be. Which is why I've tried to look my best in presentation. But I always go ba k to just stuffing my feelings and trying to move forward.

Yes. When I reached college I had a phase of trying to be a pretty girl. I wanted boys to notice me because I wanted to feel like I belonged, like I fit in. I didn't know I was trans at that point and had spent my whole childhood feeling out of place and not feeling like I belonged anywhere, so as a desperate attempt to feel like I knew who I was, I dressed up in skimpy skirts and showed off a lot of my body. I had a girl's body and I constantly felt I needed to emphasise on that in order to 'fit in'.

But underneath, subconsciously, all I ever wanted was to feel like a sexy tart of a boy trying to attract attention of other boys. If only I could look like a girl, but be the boy that I am then that would be perfect, I thought. And it was that thought alone that fuelled my desire to do something about it, because I would have never felt true to myself if changes could not be made.

Quote from: Nickrose20 on March 02, 2014, 01:18:21 AM
I tried being very feminine and physically I'm pretty successful at it. It's just mentally I don't see anything in common with the image and person I'm trying to be really. I have a bratz doll look with a lollipop smaller shorter figure. So I was fine pretending the part physically. It's just mentally... Not so much. And it's like no matter how much validation and how beautiful people say I am I still can't call it my own and be comfortable with who I am on the outside. Really.

I see what you're saying.

Well, do what makes you comfortable is the best I can tell you.

I went through stages like this. I especially relate to your description of a hole and feeling like if I try hard enough, maybe... It didn't work for me either. I used to like my boobs because of the reaction to them as well, but now that I've decided to prioritize what I want and not what others want, they're the parts of my body I probably hate the most.

I was in denial until a year ago. I did a lot of things that would get a girl labeled as a 'slut'. I was always looking for validation in being uber 'sexy' and i always tried to be extra girly.

Oddly enough I get more compliments now that I pass!

Quote from: randomroads on March 02, 2014, 01:37:35 PM
I was in denial until a year ago. I did a lot of things that would get a girl labeled as a 'slut'. I was always looking for validation in being uber 'sexy' and i always tried to be extra girly.

Me too. Oddly enough, it was triggered by getting raped which seems more than a little backward.

It's actually a fairly common thing for people to become 'over sexualized' after rape. I'm not saying everyone goes through it, and not everyone acts on the impulses, but many do and then sink into serious depression or worse because of all the conflict. The mind is a strange universe.

When I was in high school I always started out each school year trying to be a girl. I would wear shirts that were tight and put gel in my hair. That always lasted a week or two at most. Lol.

Socially I always put myself in all female spaces kinda on the margins. Girl Scouts, lesbians, etc. I was the manliest Girl Scout.